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Introduction
'Tis the season to put aside petty differences, like restraining orders and outstanding warrants, in favor of the time-honored tradition of sending and receiving Christmas letters that truly reflect the spirit of the season.
Spanning the generations, it's easy to imagine our founding fathers taking time to pen a report on the accomplishments of, say, their livestock, with aJefferson Family News Roundup. Certainly, what better way than amateur journalism to chronicle in detail the big summer vacation RV excursion through thirty-eight states, who in the extended family has taken up tap dancing, got that all-important promotion to waste-treatment-plant supervisor, or is heroically battling a bladder condition?
More than just a braggarts' trip to bountiful, where even middle schoolers are touched by greatness at the science fair, only Christmas letters can serve readers a steaming, savory holiday blend of family news, holiday cheer, stretched truth, and alleged humor that can depict all of the pulse-pounding excitement of day-to-day life in North Dakota, or the indomitable spirit of a distant relative's neighbor who recently conquered shingles. These Yuletide epistles ask us to look deep within ourselves, and take inventory of our lives. Often, the result is some boldly crafted, hard-charging, if highly fictitious, alter egos printed on red or green paper.
What follows is a collection of the best of the best collection of do-gooders and go-getters of the past, present, and future. So, sit back, relax, and ask yourself, "What if my Christmas tree were home to killer bees?" or "What if dear old Saint Nick presided over a multinational corporation?" or "What if bin Laden had been a high-school exchange student in Minnesota?" or "I wonder what Global Warming has been up to?" Indeed, "What if Thoreau wrote a holiday blog from Walden Pond?" or "What if a child's letter to Santa crossed paths with that of a Nigerian scam artist?" And, while you're at it, "What if the family dog used the Christmas letter as a platform to discuss his recent neutering?" And, of course, "What if Satan kept everyone abreast of his latest goings-on?"
I'm not saying none of these events actually happened, although the killer-bee scenario grows ever more likely. No one can say for sure. I'm just saying, "What if?"
Merry Chrisnukwanzaakah!
Copyright © 2005 by Michael LentCopyright © 2007 by Con Leche, Inc.
Excerpted from Christmas Letters from Hell: All the News We Hate from the People We Love by Michael Lent
All rights reserved by the original copyright owners. Excerpts are provided for display purposes only and may not be reproduced, reprinted or distributed without the written permission of the publisher.
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