The Complete A**Hole's Guide to Handling Chicks

by Marks, Karl; Indante, Dan

• ISBN13: 9780312310844
• ISBN10: 0312310846
• Edition: 1st
• Format: Paperback
• Copyright: 2003-05-01
• Publisher: St. Martin's Griffin

Summary

Ever wonder why the a**hole always gets the girl? The answers are all here in this cradle-to-grave primer outlining how women can be manipulated, frustrated, and ultimately dominated through-out the course of a man's life. With no political correctness, no B.S., and no holds barred, who else but an a**hole could teach guys the essentials: -Dating in college (i.e., getting blackout drunk and having sex) -Women give sex to get love, men give love to get sex -Breaking up is not hard to do-if you do it first -How to cheat on your wife without getting caught -Everything that pornos are afraid to teach men about sex -And much more! With 'practical' advice throughout (inclu-ding tests, trivia, charts, and sidebars) and tons of hilarious tips to read aloud at parties, men will never be intimidated by women again!

Table of Contents

Introduction: Chicks, What the Fuck?	ix
Fifty Tips on Being a Better Asshole	xiii
From Birth to Beating Off	1	(7)
The Birth of an Asshole	1	(1)
The Purest Form of Asshole	1	(1)
Gimme My Toy, You Bitch!	2	(1)
Crossing the Dance Floor	3	(1)
How Do I Get Her? The Beginning of the End	4	(2)
Roughing Up the Suspect	6	(2)
High School	8	(26)
Welcome Mat	8	(1)
Firsts	9	(6)
The Back-Seat Boogie	15	(1)
Chicks Are the Enemy	16	(4)
Watch Your Back---Your Friends Won't	20	(2)
Pecking Order	22	(7)
Your First Pincushion	29	(2)
So You're Looking to Get Laid	31	(1)
High School Final Examination	32	(2)
College	34	(39)
Welcome Mat	34	(1)
Your High School Girlfriend	35	(3)
You're Not in Kansas Anymore	38	(4)
The Chick Roster---Understanding the Enemy	42	(9)
The Male Pecking Order	51	(1)
Whither the Chicks?	52	(4)
Building Your Rep	56	(7)
Dating (i.e., Getting Blackout-Drunk and Having Sex)	63	(6)
Buttering Her Biscuit	69	(1)
College Final Examination	70	(3)
Ages 21-27	73	(63)
Welcome Mat	73	(1)
You're Not in College Anymore	74	(5)
Do Not Compromise Your Morals	79	(1)
Picking Up Chicks Like an Asshole	80	(14)
Wingmen	94	(3)
One-Night Stands---The Asshole's Coronation	97	(6)
Dating (Lobster = Blowjob)	103	(14)
Girlfriends---Because Your Sock Doesn't Wash Itself	117	(5)
Breaking It Off---Trading Up for a Newer Model	122	(2)
Female Friendship and Other Oxymorons	124	(4)
E-mail-You've Got Puss!	128	(2)
Cybersex---I Wonder If [e-mail] Lives Nearby?	130	(3)
Ages 21-27 Final Examination	133	(3)
Ages 28-35	136	(56)
Welcome Mat	136	(1)
Turn Out the Lights, the Party's Over	137	(2)
What's Your Sign? Closed	139	(5)
Cocktail Chatter Always Starts with a Cock	144	(6)
Her Place	150	(2)
Avoid the ``M'' Word at All Costs	152	(6)
Giving It the Old College Try	158	(5)
Respecting Your Elders	163	(3)
How to Keep Mama Happy	166	(2)
Banging a Wife Who's Not Yours	168	(3)
Who Will Be Mrs. Asshole?	171	(6)
What-Girl-to-Marry Test	177	(10)
Proposing Like an Asshole	187	(2)
Ages 28-35 Final Examination	189	(3)
Marriage	192	(48)
Welcome Mat	192	(1)
Taming the Shrew	193	(2)
You're Married---Stop Sucking in Your Gut	195	(1)
Dating Your Wife	196	(4)
Money and Sex	200	(4)
How Not to Listen	204	(5)
Becoming Your Wife's Psychologist	209	(8)
Jailbreak	217	(2)
Cheaters Never Prosper. . . Unless They're Married	219	(11)
One Wife + One Baby = Way More Than Two Headaches	230	(3)
Asshole, Junior	233	(4)
Marriage Final Examination	237	(3)
Divorce and Death	240	(11)
Welcome Mat	240	(1)
What Else Did You Expect?	240	(1)
Don't Give Her a Cent	241	(1)
Unload the Kids	242	(1)
Fat, Bald, Broke and Single---What in God's Name Are You Going to Do Now?	243	(1)
Don't Screw Up Again---Marry the Rich Chick This Time	244	(2)
Old Age---Finally, You Can Get Blown by a Woman with No Teeth	246	(5)
Appendix: Everything Pornos Were Afraid to Teach You About Sex	251