The Darwin Awards Evolution in Action

by Northcutt, Wendy

• ISBN13: 9780452283442
• ISBN10: 0452283442
• Edition: Reprint
• Format: Paperback
• Copyright: 2002-04-30
• Publisher: Plume

Summary

With over a quarter million copies in print and six months on The New York Times bestseller list, The Darwin Awards shows that readers crave humor. And what better place to find it than in the stories of those human beings who improve the gene pool by removing themselves from it in a sublimely idiotic fashion. Marvel at the thief who tries to steal live electrical wires. Gape at the lawnchair jockey who floats to a height of 16,000 feet suspended by helium balloons. And learn from the man who peers into a gasoline can using a cigarette lighter. All contend for Darwin Awards when their choices culminate in magnificent misadventures. These tales of trial and awe-inspiring error-verified by the author and endorsed by website readers-illustrate the ongoing saga of survival of the fittest in all its selective glory. The Darwin Awards vividly portrays the finest examples of evolution in action, and shows us just how uncommon common sense can be.

Author Biography

A graduate of UC Berkeley with a degree in molecular biology, Wendy Northcutt began collecting the stories that make up the Darwin Awards in 1993. Her award-winning Web site www.DarwinAwards.com is one of the most popular humor pages on the Web. The Darwin Awards have been profiled in USA Today, The Wall Street Journal, Entertainment Weekly, and on NPR’s All Things Considered. Wendy is the author of the international bestsellers The Darwin Awards: Evolution in Action, The Darwin Awards 2: Unnatural Selection, and The Darwin Awards 3: Survival of the Fittest.

Table of Contents

The Darwin Awards: What Are They?	1	(1)
Survival of the Fittest	1	(1)
Rules and Eligibility	2	(5)
Charles Darwin's Theory of Evolution	7	(4)
Uncommon Common Sense	11	(2)
History and Internet Culture	13	(2)
Advice on Reading the Stories	15	(2)
Natural Selection: Animal Misadventures	17	(34)
Can Animals Win Darwin Awards?	17	(4)
Darwin Award: In a Pig's Eye	21	(2)
Darwin Award: Killer Whale Rodeo	23	(3)
Darwin Award: Playing with Cats	26	(1)
Darwin Award: Hungry Python Kills Owner	27	(2)
Darwin Award: Poisonous Pets	29	(1)
Darwin Award: Snake Charmer?	30	(2)
Darwin Award: Burmese Python	32	(1)
Darwin Award: What's New, Pussycat?	33	(1)
Darwin Award: Wild Animal Lesson	34	(2)
Darwin Award: Smarter Animals	36	(1)
Darwin Award: Running of the Bulls	37	(1)
Darwin Award: Silenced by the Lambs	38	(1)
Darwin Award: Human Hitching Post	39	(2)
Honorable Mention: Nine Times a Loser	41	(1)
Honorable Mention: Revenge of the Gopher	42	(1)
Honorable Mention: Woman Disarmed by Tiger	43	(2)
Honorable Mention: Don't Mess with Mama Bear	45	(1)
Urban Legend: Man Glued to Rhino Buttocks	46	(2)
Personal Account: Bug Repellent	48	(2)
Personal Account: Why Kids Leave the Farm	50	(1)
Relatively Dangerous: A Family Affair	51	(20)
Children and Evolution	51	(3)
Darwin Award: Go, Speed Racer, Go	54	(2)
Darwin Award: Wife Tossing in Buenos Aires	56	(1)
Darwin Award: Count Your Chickens	57	(1)
Darwin Award: Father Knows Best	58	(2)
Darwin Award: Laughing Gas	60	(1)
Darwin Award: Murderous Affair	61	(2)
Darwin Award: Avoiding a Fight	63	(1)
Darwin Award: Maine Chainsaw Romance	64	(2)
Honorable Mention: Trash Compactor	66	(1)
Urban Legend: Missionary Miscalculation	67	(1)
Personal Account: Accidental Safe Sex	68	(1)
Personal Account: Wives with Chloroform	69	(2)
``I Fought the Law. . .'': Stupid Criminal Tricks	71	(32)
If Evolution Works, Why So Many Idiots?	71	(3)
Darwin Award: Junk Food Junkie	74	(1)
Darwin Award: Copper Caper	75	(1)
Darwin Award: Good Trumps Evil at Church	76	(1)
Darwin Award: Jumping Jack Cash	77	(1)
Darwin Award: Tired of It All	78	(1)
Darwin Award: Modus Operandi Misfires	79	(1)
Darwin Award: Restaurant Thief	80	(1)
Darwin Award: Dum Dum Boutique	81	(1)
Darwin Award: Scrap Metal Thieves	82	(1)
Darwin Award: Wrong Time, Wrong Place	83	(1)
Darwin Award: Clumsy Canadian Burglar	84	(1)
Darwin Award: Escaping Conviction	85	(1)
Darwin Award: Rob Your Neighbor	86	(2)
Honorable Mention: Pick Your Target	88	(1)
Honorable Mention: Armed and Dangerous?	89	(1)
Honorable Mention: Poor Sense of Direction	90	(1)
Honorable Mention: Airbag Weapons	91	(1)
Honorable Mention: Mis-Steak	92	(1)
Honorable Mention: Wile E. Coyote of Burglars	93	(1)
Honorable Mention: Limo and Latte Burglar	94	(1)
Honorable Mention: Spare Some Change?	95	(1)
Honorable Mention: Three Times a Loser	96	(1)
Honorable Mention: Sunny Side Up	97	(1)
Honorable Mention: Official Drug Test	98	(1)
Honorable Mention: Klutzy Crook	99	(1)
Personal Account: Compacted Ignorance	100	(2)
Personal Account: Gangster Blues	102	(1)
Up in Smoke: Fire and Explosions	103	(30)
Awards for Priests and Gays?	103	(3)
Darwin Award: Living on Zionist Time	106	(1)
Darwin Award: Firefighters Ignite!	107	(1)
Darwin Award: Igniting Fireworks the Easy Way	108	(1)
Darwin Award: Justice Is Served	109	(1)
Darwin Award: No Smoking? Ha!	110	(2)
Darwin Award: Dynamite and Boats Don't Mix	112	(1)
Darwin Award: Up in Smoke	113	(2)
Darwin Award: Cigarette Lighter Triggers Fatal Explosion	115	(1)
Darwin Award: Lights Out	116	(2)
Honorable Mention: Chimney Safety	118	(1)
Honorable Mention: I Just Flicked My Bic!	119	(1)
Urban Legend: Scuba Divers and Forest Fires	120	(2)
Urban Legend: Cow Bomb	122	(1)
Urban Legend: Raccoon Rocket	123	(2)
Urban Legend: Hydrogen Beer Disaster	125	(3)
Urban Legend: Cell Phone Destroys Gas Station	128	(1)
Personal Account: Elemental Mistake	129	(1)
Personal Account: Is It Loaded?	130	(1)
Personal Account: Final Flick of Bic	131	(2)
Leaps of Faith: Fatal Falls	133	(28)
John F. Kennedy Jr.	133	(5)
Darwin Award: Don't Drink and Fly	138	(2)
Darwin Award: Lawyer Aloft	140	(1)
Darwin Award: Stoned Sleep	141	(1)
Darwin Award: Homegrown Parachute	142	(3)
Darwin Award: Yosemite Parachute Safety	145	(2)
Darwin Award: Shocking Fall	147	(1)
Darwin Award: Bungee Jumper	148	(1)
Darwin Award: Bridge Bonzai	149	(1)
Darwin Award: One for the Birds	150	(1)
Personal Account: Leap of Faith	151	(2)
Personal Account: One, Two, Three, Heave!	153	(2)
Urban Legend: Misadventure at the Metallica Concert	155	(3)
Urban Legend: Power Plant Fitness Freak	158	(2)
Personal Account: Leveled	160	(1)
Military Intelligence: Uninformed Men	161	(20)
Historical Darwin Awards	161	(3)
Darwin Award: Intelligence Blunders	164	(1)
Darwin Award: Hanging Around Jail	165	(1)
Darwin Award: Peeper Plummets	166	(1)
Darwin Award: Dead Spitter	167	(1)
Darwin Award: New Dating Technique	168	(1)
Darwin Award: Resistance Is Futile	169	(1)
Darwin Award: Wait for Me!	170	(2)
Personal Account: Industrious Brain-Dead Private	172	(2)
Personal Account: 5 Soldiers, 6 Police, 0 Brains	174	(2)
Personal Account: Jet Ski Jock	176	(2)
Personal Account: North Pacific Deckpecker	178	(2)
Personal Account: Flack Vest Testing	180	(1)
Testosterone Poisoning: Macho Men	181	(32)
The Issue of Offspring	181	(3)
Darwin Award: JATO	184	(2)
Darwin Award: Fatal Footsie	186	(1)
Darwin Award: Guy Gulps Goldfish	187	(1)
Darwin Award: Dry Spell	188	(3)
Darwin Award: Sequined Pastie	191	(1)
Darwin Award: Gun Safety Training	192	(1)
Darwin Award: The Winner Gets. . . A Postmortem	193	(2)
Darwin Award: I'm a Man, I Can Handle It	195	(1)
Darwin Award: William Tell Overture	196	(1)
Darwin Award: Sink the Cue Ball	197	(2)
Darwin Award: Repairs on the Road	199	(1)
Honorable Mention: Right Tool for the Right Job	200	(1)
Honorable Mention: Kiss Bites Back	201	(2)
Urban Legend: The Dog and the Jeep	203	(3)
Personal Account: One Cool Dude	206	(3)
Personal Account: Out of Their Heads	209	(1)
Personal Account: Round Lake Shortcut	210	(2)
Darwin Award: Chute Boy	212	(1)
Dangerous Liaisons: Unsafe Sex	213	(16)
Evolutionary Hall of Shame	213	(2)
Darwin Award: Love Crushed Sex	215	(1)
Darwin Award: Baby, You Drive Me Crazy	216	(1)
Darwin Award: Sex and Suffocation	217	(1)
Darwin Award: Fatal Flasher	218	(1)
Honorable Mention: Chimney Manners	219	(1)
Honorable Mention: Betrayal of Trussed	220	(2)
Urban Legend: Lightning Date	222	(2)
Urban Legend: Gerbil Rocket	224	(1)
Urban Legend: Hedonist Air Pumpers	225	(2)
Urban Legend: Romeo and Juliet?	227	(2)
Davey Jones' Locker: Watery Demise	229	(24)
Divergent Evolution	229	(3)
Darwin Award: Hurricane Hangover	232	(1)
Darwin Award: Gone Fishin'	233	(1)
Darwin Award: Polar Bear Swim	234	(2)
Darwin Award: Crappy Driving Award	236	(1)
Darwin Award: Can Duck Shooters Swim?	237	(2)
Darwin Award: Yosemite Hike	239	(1)
Darwin Award: Wet Will He	240	(1)
Darwin Award: Hard Work Rewards	241	(1)
Honorable Mention: Loch Ness Monster	242	(1)
Urban Legend: Darwin Beach Death	243	(2)
Personal Account: Quarry Story	245	(3)
Personal Account: The Iceman Exitech	248	(1)
Personal Account: Rub Dub Dub, Men in a Tub	249	(1)
Personal Account: Surprise Flush	250	(2)
Personal Account: Tide-ally Impaired	252	(1)
Man's Favorite Toy: Penis Envy	253	(24)
Losing the Family Jewels	253	(3)
Honorable Mention: Zany New Zealand Contest	256	(2)
Honorable Mention: Mr. Happy's Vacuum	258	(2)
Darwin Award: Priapism Takes a Penis	260	(2)
Darwin Award: Man Slices Off Penis	262	(2)
Darwin Award: Love from the Heart	264	(1)
Honorable Mention: Scoutmaster Snare	265	(1)
Honorable Mention: Scrotum Self-Repair	266	(2)
Honorable Mention: Horse Drug Experiment	268	(1)
Urban Legend: Frog Giggin' Accident in Arkansas	269	(2)
Personal Account: Jump Rope Blues	271	(2)
Personal Account: Disco Dork	273	(1)
Personal Account: Bridge Bowling	274	(2)
Personal Account: Pissing into the Wind	276	(1)
Foolish Ingenuity: End of the Line	277	(32)
Evolution in Action	277	(3)
Honorable Mention: Lawnchair Larry	280	(3)
Darwin Award: The Last Supper	283	(2)
Darwin Award: Ultimate Price for Smelling Nice	285	(2)
Darwin Award: Midnight Special	287	(1)
Darwin Award: Deadly Reading Habits	288	(1)
Darwin Award: Breatharianism	289	(2)
Darwin Award: Roller Coaster	291	(1)
Darwin Award: Mental Eclipse	292	(1)
Darwin Award: No Bike Lane at the Airport	293	(1)
Darwin Award: The Bumbershoot	294	(1)
Darwin Award: Lemmings in a Well	295	(1)
Darwin Award: Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow	296	(2)
Darwin Award: Death of Dracula	298	(1)
Darwin Award: The Daily Grind	299	(1)
Urban Legend: Christmas Roast	300	(1)
Urban Legend: The Laundry Was Clean. . .	301	(2)
Urban Legend: Unfortunate Husband	303	(3)
Urban Legend: Overkill	306	(1)
Personal Account: Team Spirit	307	(1)
Personal Account: Cleaning the Head	308	(1)
Appendices	309	(4)
I. Website Biography	309	(2)
II. Darwin Haiku	311	(1)
III. Author Biography	312	(1)
Story Index	313

Excerpts

The Darwin Awards: What are they? Darwin Awards illustrate Mark Twain's observation, "Man is the only animal that blushes-or has reason to." Survival of the Fittest Most of us know instinctively that the phrase "trust me, light this fuse" is a recipe for disaster. Darwin Award winners do not. Most of us have a basic common sense that eliminates the need for public service announcements such as, WARNING: COFFEE IS HOT! Darwin Award winners do not. The stories assembled in this book show that common sense is really not so common. There are people who think it's practical to peer into a gasoline can using a cigarette lighter. There are people who throw beach parties to celebrate an approaching hurricane. We applaud the predictable demise of such daredevils with Darwin Awards, named after Charles Darwin, the father of evolution. No warning label could have prevented evolution from creeping up on the man who electrocuted fish with household current, then waded in to collect his catch without removing the wire. Darwin Awards show what happens to people who are bewilderingly unable to cope with obvious dangers in the modern world. The terrorist who mails a letter bomb with insufficient postage wins a Darwin Award when he opens the returned package. As does the fisherman who throws a lit stick of dynamite onto the ice, only to see his faithful golden retriever fetch the stick. As does the man caught stealing from a church. Darwin Award winners plan and carry out disastrous schemes that an average child can tell are a really bad idea. They contrive to eliminate themselves from the gene pool in such an extraordinarily idiotic manner, that their action ensures the long-term survival of our species, which now contains one less idiot. The single-minded purpose and self-sacrifice of the winners, and the spectacular means by which they snuff themselves, qualifies them for the honor of winning a Darwin Award. Rules and Eligibility To win, nominees must significantly improve the gene pool by eliminating themselves from the human race in an astonishingly stupid way. All races, cultures, and socioeconomic groups are eligible to compete. Contenders are evaluated using the following five criteria: The candidate must remove himself from the gene pool. The prime tenet of the Darwin Awards is that we are celebrating the self-removal of incompetent genetic material from the human race. The potential winner must therefore render himself deceased, or at least incapable of reproducing. If someone does manage to survive an incredibly stupid feat, then his genes de facto must have something to offer in the way of luck, agility, or stamina. He is therefore not eligible for a Darwin Award, though sometimes the story is too entertaining to pass up and he earns an Honorable Mention. Heated philosophical discussions have sprung up around the reproduction rule. If a person or group gives up sex, are they eligible for a nomination since they are no longer willing to breed? Must the candidate be utterly incapable of reproduction? Can the elderly be ruled out because they are too old to have an impact on the gene pool? Should those who already have children be banned from winning? These are complicated questions. For example, frozen sperm and ova are viable decades after the donor's demise, and sheep and humans can be cloned from a single cell. It is almost impossible to completely eliminate an individual's genes. And it would take a team of researchers to ferret out the full reproductive implications, a luxury the Darwin Awards lacks. Therefore, no attempt is made to determine the actual reproductive status or potential of the nominee. If he no longer has the physical wherewithal to breed with a mate on a deserted island, then he is eligible for a Darwin. The candidate must exhibit an astounding misapplication of judgment. We are not talking about common stupidities suc