The Darwin Awards III

by Northcutt, Wendy

• ISBN13: 9780525947738
• ISBN10: 0525947736
• Format: Hardcover
• Copyright: 2003-10-13
• Publisher: E P Dutton

Summary

One of America's most popular humor series returns with a brand-new collection of hilariously macabre mishaps and misadventures. Honoring those who improve our gene pool by inadvertently removing themselves from it, The Darwin Awards III: Survival of the Fittestshows once more how uncommon common sense still is. Featuring science and safety discussions, and filled with illustrations depicting inspiring examples of evolution in action, The Darwin Awards IIIincludes over one hundred all-new stories. Readers will celebrate Darwin Award winners who made the "ultimate sacrifice," wonder at the misguided pluck of Honorable Mentions who survived their own bad judgment, and look on in awestruck amusement at Personal Accounts shared with the world by the perpetrators themselves. From the sheriff who inadvertently shot himself twice, to the highway robbers who blocked traffic with their car and were hit by a truck; from the artist who strung a "shell" necklace of live ammunition, to the man crushed by the branch he'd just severed, The Darwin Awards IIIproves again that when it comes to stupidity, no species does it like we do.

Author Biography

A graduate of UC Berkeley with a degree in molecular biology, Wendy Northcutt began collecting the stories that make up the Darwin Awards in 1993 and founded www.DarwinAwards.com soon thereafter. Her award-winning website is one of the most popular humor pages on the web, and has been profiled in USA Today, The Wall Street Journal, and Entertainment Weekly, and on NPR's All Things Considered. She is the author of the international bestsellers The Darwin Awards: Evolution in Action and The Darwin Awards II: Unnatural Selection.

Table of Contents

Survival of the Fittest

Introduction

Darwin Awards are not for everyone+only a select few earn this dubious distinction. Review the rules, the categories, and the evolutionary concepts underpinning the Darwin Awards. The Darwin Awards

Defined 2 The Rules 4 The Categories 9 Survival of the Fittest 11

Law Enforcement

Crime Does PayIn this chapter lawbreakers and law enforcers bump elbows in an informal competition to see who is best suited to lose the fight between good and evil. Inept bunglers from both sides of the law, from con artists to beat cops, from judges to crooks, astonish us with their casual disregard for the +natural laws+ of physics. Discussion

Picking the Winners 16 Darwin Award

Convince the Jury 21 Darwin Award

Faulty Aim Fatal 23 Darwin Award

Chain Saw Insurance 24 Darwin Award

Truck Stop 26 Darwin Award

Antlers Ahoy! 27 Darwin Award

Skeleton Key 29 Darwin Award

A Rocky Roll 30 Darwin Award

Booby Traps Trap Boob 31 Darwin Award

Caveat Emptor 33 Darwin Award

Jet Ski Spree 34 Darwin Award

Risky Reenactment 35 Darwin Award

Return to Trees Fails 37 Darwin Award

Flamingo Gunfight 38 Darwin Award

Tired Ammo 39 Honorable Mention

Short Arm of the Law 41 Honorable Mention

Familiar Knickers 42 Honorable Mention

I Shot the Sheriff 43 Honorable Mention

Parole Calling Card 45 Honorable Mention

West Virginia Alibi 46 Personal Account

Copper Clod 47

Men

Omega MaleIn this chapter men meet their inner idiots as they test their testosterone levels by petting sharks, kissing snakes, and chasing beer cans. Only when it+s too late do these would-be alpha males unexpectedly realize they+re actually ... omega males. Discussion

Glowing Green Monkeys 50 Darwin Award

Slip Sliding Away 53 Darwin Award

Foolish Courage 55 Darwin Award

Mortal Insult 56 Darwin Award

I Can+t Swim! 58 Darwin Award

The Smoking Gun 60 Darwin Award

Library Return 61 Darwin Award

Cactus Crunch 63 Darwin Award

Well Trained 64 Darwin Award

Roadkill 65 Darwin Award

Blowhole 66 Darwin Award

Fuzzy Fights Back 68 Honorable Mention

Beer Chaser 71 Honorable Mention

Shark Petting Zoo 72 Honorable Mention

Student Film Folly 75 Honorable Mention

Twice the Pain 76 Personal Account

Rectum Nearly Killed+m 77 Personal Account

Repeat Offender 79 Personal Account

Wag the Dog 80 Personal Account

Sexy Snack Slays 82 Personal Account

Stag Party 83 Personal Account

Uncle Rick+s End 85

Explosions

Short Sharp ShockThe destructive nature of fire and explosives has long been a lure for the more adventurous among us. But a fascination with all things flammable can lead to trouble, as shown by these eyebrow-searing tales of grenades, gelignite, bombs, gasoline, and flaming alcoholic desserts. Discussion

Flames 88 Darwin Award

Blown Away 93 Darwin Award

Wrong and Wronger 95 Darwin Award

Rocket Tester 96 Darwin Award

Saw a Grenade 98 Darwin Award

Fir Kills Tree Trimmer 99 Honorable Mention

Shell Necklace 101 Honorable Mention

Wet +n+ Dry Shop Vac 102 Honorable Mention

Phenomenal Failure 103 Honorable Mention

Pumped Up! 104 Honorable Mention

Hunger versus Fear 106 Honorable Mention

Baked Alaska 107 Personal Account

Famous Last Words 109 Personal Account

Acetylene Fun? Not! 111 Personal Account

Backyard Body Surfing 112 Personal Account

Blasting Expertise 114 Personal Account

Chemistry Lesson 116 Personal Account

Christmas Fireworks 118 Personal Account

Firebug 120 Personal Account

Flashy Chef 123 Per

Table of Contents provided by Publisher. All Rights Reserved.

Excerpts

Introduction Darwin Awards are not for everyone—only a select few earn this dubious distinction. Review the rules, the categories, and the evolutionary concepts underpinning the Darwin Awards. THE DARWIN AWARDS: DEFINEDDarwin Awards are bestowed upon individuals who improve our gene pool by removing themselves from it in a spectacularly stupid manner. They involve themselves in situations that a person with even a modicum of common sense would avoid, and their subsequent and predictable demise removes a set of judgment- impaired genes from circulation, thereby ensuring the long-term survival of the human race—which now contains one less idiot.Every time a Darwin Award winner eradicates himself (or, occasionally, herself) from the population, we can breathe a sigh of relief, knowing that our descendants won’t have to deal with—or breed with—the descendants of this mental midget, who lacks the ability to survive his own appallingly ill-conceived ideas.Of necessity this honor is awarded posthumously, except in rare instances where a nominee eliminates only his ability to reproduce.These stories are not mere tragic accidents. They are astonishing misapplications of judgment of such magnitude that the observer can only shake his head ruefully at the poetic justice dished out by fate to a deserving recipient.The Darwin Awards commemorate the not-so-unexpected demise of a wood thief crushed by the overhead tree branch he methodically sawed in half while standing beneath it (page 37); two men competing to see who’s the bravest of them all by holding lit fireworks in their mouths (page 55); a judge who pulled the pin of a live grenade introduced into evidence (page 41); and all the absentminded catastrophes caused by those who repeatedly stump us with their cluelessness.Want to feel like a genius? The next time you feel foolish, stupid, or incompetent, seek out the Darwin Awards and read a few of these true tales of misadventure. You’ll soon realize how brilliant you really are, compared with the morons featured on these pages.And you will probably find yourself taking a few personal pledges while reading this book, such as: I will keep pointy metal objects away from electrical wires.” I will not suck gasoline into a vacuum cleaner.” I will hold no fireworks in my mouth.” No sleeping in the road for me!”There is an especial danger in new technology, which presents challenges that some people find insurmountable. The cover illustration shows the quintessential modern Darwin Award winner, holding a cell phone, intent on the wrong signals, and clueless in the face of impending doom. The image of a squashed cell-phone user typifies the absentminded human animal, unaware of dicey circumstances and headed for trouble.Cell phones have become ubiquitous, but humans are still singularly ill equipped to use these devices safely. Although we have been communicating for millennia, we have not yet evolved the multitasking aptitude needed to talk on a cell phone while driving. Put one of these lethal instruments to the ear of the average driver, and a traffic accident is quite likely to occur. In fact, accidents involving cell phones are too common to be eligible for a Darwin Award unless additional stupidity is present. What’s That Sound?” on page 160 and (un) Armed and Dangerous” on page 190 are two sterling examples.As more and more people remove themselves from the gene pool while using cell phones, the species as a whole will become better equipped to safely coexist with this new technology. As the population of cell- phone idiots is slowly depleted, one can imagine a golden day, far in the future, when cell phones are considered as safe to use as a faucet. A 2002 Harvard study estimated that 6 percent of U.S. traffic accidents are caused by drivers talking on cell phones, resulting in 2,600 deaths and 330,000 injuries