The Darwin Awards

by Northcutt, Wendy; Kelly, Christopher M.

• ISBN13: 9780525949602
• ISBN10: 0525949607
• Format: Hardcover
• Copyright: 2006-10-24
• Publisher: E P Dutton

Summary

The first new Darwin Awards book in three years, The Darwin Awards 4: Intelligent Designis the latest addition to one of the most popular and successful humor franchises on bookshelves today. Named after Charles Darwin, the father of evolution, The Darwin Awards pays homage to those who improve our gene pool by removing themselves from it.Most of us know instinctively that the phrase trust me, light this fuse” is a recipe for disaster. Darwin Award winners do not. Most of us have basic sound judgment that eliminates the need for NO SMOKING signs at gas stations. Darwin Award winners do not. No warning label could have prevented evolution from creeping up on the homeowner who filled his house with natural gas to kill termites, the easy rider who decided to steer his motorcycle with his feet, or the winner who tried to weld a hand grenade onto a chain. Filled with more than one hundred new tales of evolution in action, and complete with essential science and safety discussions, The Darwin Awards 4: Intelligent Designshows that when it comes to common sense, natural selection still has a long way to go.

Author Biography

A graduate of UC Berkeley with a degree in molecular biology, Wendy Northcutt began collecting the stories that make up the Darwin Awards in 1993. Her award-winning Web site www.DarwinAwards.com is one of the most popular humor pages on the Web. The Darwin Awards have been profiled in USA Today, The Wall Street Journal, Entertainment Weekly, and on NPR-'s All Things Considered. Wendy is the author of the international bestsellers The Darwin Awards: Evolution in Action, The Darwin Awards 2: Unnatural Selection, and The Darwin Awards 3: Survival of the Fittest.

Table of Contents

Introduction	1	(24)
True intelligent design is the unerring scythe of natural selection.
What, Me Worry? Why There Are Darwin Awards	2	(2)
The Rules	4	(3)
Reproductive Dead End
Excellence
Self-selection
Maturity
Veracity
The Categories	7	(1)
Darwin Awards
Honorable Mentions
Personal Accounts
Picking the Winners	8	(4)
History of the Darwin Awards	12	(2)
Survival of the Fittest	14	(3)
Origin of the Novel Species Noodleous doubleous: Evidence for Intelligent Design	17	(7)
Cleaning the Gene Pool	24	(1)
CHAPTER 1 Vehicles	25	(40)
Motorcycles, trucks, trains, cars, snowmobiles, mopeds, a wheel-chair, and one mountain bike—wheels spark a powerful urge to test mechanical limits.
The stories in this chapter show that humans still have a long way to go, in evolving to cope with the ubiquitous dangers of our transportation system.
Discussion: AIDS, Bubonic Plague, and Human Evolution	26	(4)
Darwin Award: Daring Feet	30	(1)
Darwin Award: Rutting Contest	31	(2)
Darwin Award: 4-1-0 Club	33	(3)
Darwin Award: Auto Blotto	36	(1)
Darwin Award: Stepping Out	37	(2)
Darwin Award: The Nuisance of Seat Belts	39	(1)
Darwin Award: Terminal Creativity	40	(1)
Darwin Award: Jack Up	41	(1)
Darwin Award: Tree vs. Man	42	(1)
Darwin Award: Tunnel Vision	43	(2)
Darwin Award: Dope on a Rope	45	(3)
Darwin Award: Death Valley Daze	48	(2)
Darwin Award: Tree Hard, Head Empty	50	(1)
Darwin Award: Heck on Wheels	51	(1)
Darwin Award: Self-Demolition Derby	52	(1)
Darwin Award: Asphalt Tattoo	53	(1)
Honorable Mention: Overheated Engine	54	(3)
Honorable Mention: Clean Brake	57	(1)
Honorable Mention: Happy Camper	58	(1)
Honorable Mention: Picture-Perfect Cop	59	(1)
Honorable Mention: New Hog	60	(1)
Personal Account: Blast from the Past	61	(1)
Personal Account: Brake Care	62	(1)
Personal Account: Wild Wheelchair Ride	63	(2)
CHAPTER 2 Water	65	(24)
Water covers 70 percent of the Earth's surface, so it's little wonder that this is the medium in which many Darwin demises occur.
We herein encounter the dangers of "snowmoboating," the tide, frozen rivers, raging rivers, two waterfalls, one bungee cord, and even the kitchen sink!
Dive into stories featuring water, where one soon sees that our evolutionary adaptations are not yet complete.
Discussion: Aquatic Apes Are People, Too!	66	(5)
Darwin Award: Snowmoboater	71	(2)
Darwin Award: Second Time's the Charm	73	(2)
Darwin Award: Man Drowns in Kitchen Sink	75	(1)
Darwin Award: Tide Waits for No Man	76	(1)
Darwin Award: Cold Call	77	(2)
Darwin Award: Bottom of the Barrel	79	(2)
Darwin Award: Hurricane Blumpkin	81	(1)
Darwin Award: A Closer Look at Victoria Falls	82	(1)
Honorable Mention: Catching the Boat	83	(4)
Honorable Mention: Go with the Floe	87	(1)
Personal Account: Do-It-Yourself Bass Boat	88	(1)
CHAPTER 3 Women	89	(28)
Few women win Darwin Awards, but this book is lucky enough to have a strong selection of female applicants.
We have a spy, two explosions, pilot sex and street sex, a desperate smoker, a gymnast, an amateur mechanic, and a thief.
We also have a Jet a hurricane, a raging river, a roller coaster, gasoline, and an aerosol can.
It is with great pleasure that I introduce these stories about feminine wiles....
Discussion: Love Bites	90	(5)
Darwin Award: Military Intelligence	95	(2)
Darwin Award: Mile High Club Failure	97	(4)
Darwin Award: Ultimate Quest for Airtime	101	(1)
Darwin Award: Right Over the Dam	102	(1)
Darwin Award: Love Struck	103	(2)
Darwin Award: Hurricane News Junkie	105	(2)
Darwin Award: Dying for a Ciggie	107	(2)
Darwin Award: Off-Road Driving	109	(1)
Darwin Award: What I Can Still Do	110	(1)
Honorable Mention: A Fast Escape	111	(1)
Personal Account: Gas Spill	112	(1)
Personal Account: Stupid Car	113	(2)
Personal Account: Air Freshener	115	(2)
CHAPTER 4 Animals	117	(32)
An animal might win a Darwin Award if it migrated in the wrong direction.
But in this chapter, animals are not the winners; they are the backdrop against which humans lose to Mother Nature.
Enjoy these stories about elephants, snakes, raccoons, chickens, bees, bugs, birds, eels, sharks, toads, horses, and bison—animals that have the misfortune to share the planet with clueless Homo sapiens.
Discussion: "Brother, Can You Spare a Banana?"	118	(5)
Darwin Award: Mining for Elephants	123	(1)
Darwin Award: Snake Man	124	(3)
Darwin Award: Elephant Tail	127	(1)
Darwin Award: 'Hazard Befell Him"	128	(1)
Darwin Award: Chicken to Go	129	(2)
Darwin Award: A Honey of a Buzz	131	(1)
Honorable Mention: Kills Bugs Dead	132	(1)
Honorable Mention: Parrot Hunter	133	(2)
Honorable Mention: Eel Enema	135	(2)
Honorable Mention: Warm Snakes	137	(2)
Honorable Mention: Wades with Sharks	139	(2)
Personal Account: Bufo marinus	141	(2)
Personal Account: Dodging the Draft Horse	143	(1)
Personal Account: Watch Where You're Going	144	(1)
Personal Account: Shortcut Cut Short	145	(4)
CHAPTER 5 Alcohol	149	(32)
Alcohol plays a role in many Darwin Awards, but this is the first chapter devoted exclusively to the boneheaded things we do while inebriated.
Get ready for a spy device, freeway calisthenics, saliva, bar bets, sunglasses, revenge, a beer-filled condom, window glass, a drinking glass, auto repair, firecrackers, and a submarine.
Here are stories of inebriated innovations that make mice and monkeys cringe when we say we're related to them....
Discussion: Endogenous Retroviruses and Evolution	150	(5)
Darwin Award: Homemade Wine	155	(2)
Darwin Award: Freeway Dangler	157	(1)
Darwin Award: Spy vs. Self	158	(1)
Darwin Award: Failed Frame-up	159	(4)
Darwin Award: Aim to Win	163	(2)
Darwin Award: Damned if You Do...	165	(2)
Darwin Award: Killer Shades	167	(2)
Honorable Mention: A Medical First at Oktoberfest	169	(2)
Personal Account: Power Over Plate Glass	171	(2)
Personal Account: The.
Man with the Iron Stomach	173	(8)
Personal Account: Volunteer Fireman	175	(2)
Personal Account: Bullet-Brain	177	(2)
Personal Account: BlackCats in the Pants	179	(2)
CHAPTER 6 Explosion/Fire	181	(44)
Pyrotechnics aren't just for professionals; amateurs frequently find the allure of explosives too great to pass up.
With grenades, bombs, dynamite, gasoline, a mine detonator, electricity, ammunition, acetylene, chemicals, methane, lots of fireworks, a fire-breather, a bungee cord, and even a lava lamp, there's never a shortage of examples for fire-safety courses!
Discussion: Chicken Little Was Right	182	(6)
Darwin Award: Chimney-Cleaning Grenade	188	(1)
Darwin Award: Unsafe and Insane	189	(1)
Darwin Award: Do-It-Yourself Land Mine	190	(1)
Darwin Award: "Plug Me In"	191	(1)
Darwin Award: Workin' at the Car Wash	192	(3)
Darwin Award: Rocketing to Glory	195	(2)
Darwin Aware: The Army's a Blast	197	(2)
Darwin Award: Human Torch	199	(1)
Darwin Award: Lava Lamp	200	(2)
Darwin Award: Amateur Bomb inspector	202	(1)
Honorable Mention: Firewalls	203	(1)
Honorable Mention: Welding Warning	204	(1)
Honorable Mention: Crotch Rocket	205	(2)
Honorable Mention: Hot Pants	207	(2)
Honorable Mention: Exploding Boat	209	(1)
Honorable Mention: Exploding Outhouse	210	(1)
Honorable Mention: Flaming Bungee Jump	211	(2)
Honorable Mention: Cooking with Gas	213	(2)
Personal Account: Cleaning Solution	215	(1)
Personal Account: Tight Wad	216	(3)
Personal Account: Medieval Flambé	219	(3)
Personal Account: Pocket M80	222	(3)
CHAPTER 7 Weapons	225	(24)
Whether wielded on the right side of the law, the wrong side, or side of the law at all, weapons tend to bite the hand that feeds them.
Guns, grenades, knives, bullets, and axes all hold a grudge against those who abuse them.
In the following stories, misused weapons themselves act as judge and jury to mete out their own form of justice....
Discussion: Forensic Analysis: Achieving Justice	226	(5)
Darwin Award: Surprise Attack Surprise	231	(2)
Darwin Award: Exploding Ex-Tortionist	233	(1)
Darwin Award: Shooting Blanks	234	(1)
Honorable Mention: Shoot'em Off	235	(1)
Darwin Award: Slaughterhouse Robbery	236	(1)
Darwin Award: Sharp Landing	237	(2)
Honorable Mention: Nighttime Fun with Bullets	239	(2)
Honorable Mention: Baked Bullet Surprise	241	(1)
Honorable Mention: Self-Protection	242	(1)
Honorable Mention: Testosterone, Chickens, and Guns	243	(1)
Personal Account: Village Idiot	244	(2)
Personal Account: Gun-Safety Nonsense	246	(1)
Personal Account: Do What I Say, Not What I Do	247	(2)
CHAPTER 8 Miscellaneous	249	(34)
Some innovative Darwin Awards don't fall into predictable categories.
Enjoy the miscellaneous methods man has invented to bedevil himself, using thallium, an ice maker, trees, scaffolding, a confession, a nail gun, a homemade parachute, chocolate sauce, eletromagnets, an innocent paper-towel dispenser, and an auger—two different ways.
They are all examples that one should avoid emulating, if one wants to keep the body's metabolism running efficiently—or running at all!
Discussion: The Skinny on Fat	250	(7)
Darwin Award: Watch Out for That Tree!	257	(1)
Darwin Award: Bannister to Heaven	258	(1)
Darwin Award: Flying Dutchman	259	(1)
Darwin Award: Caught in the Auger	260	(2)
Darwin Award: Pancake Thief	262	(1)
Darwin Award: All Wound Up	263	(1)
Darwin Award: Catapult to Glory	264	(3)
Darwin Award: Sizzling Scaffolding	267	(1)
Honorable Mention: Serbian Tsunami	268	(1)
Honorable Mention: Hammer Head	269	(3)
Honorable Mention: Oops, Did It Again	272	(1)
Honorable Mention: White Russians	273	(1)
Personal Account: Icarus	274	(1)
Personal Account: Hot Hot Chocolate	275	(1)
Personal Account. The Bigger the Better	276	(1)
Personal Account: Captain Magneto	277	(501)
Persona! Account: Human Paper Towel	778
Personal Account: Juice Me Up!	280	(3)
The End of the Universe	283	(4)
Appendices
Website Biography	287	(1)
Author Biographies	288	(1)
Biographies of Contributors	289	(7)
Location Index	296	(1)
Story Index	297