Dead Sexy : A Novel

by Kathy Lette

• ISBN13: 9780743456883
• ISBN10: 0743456882
• Format: Hardcover
• Copyright: 2004-06-22
• Publisher: Atria

Summary

00

Why do men like intelligent women?
Because opposites attract.

That's what Shelly Green thinks when she meets Kit Kincaide...on their wedding day. Unwittingly entered by her students in a Desperate and Dateless reality show contest, Shelly, a London music teacher, is caught off guard when she wins. Although the show's computer has predicted that she and Kit would make the perfect match -- physically, emotionally, and intellectually -- Shelly has some serious doubts about the hunky, boisterous American when she joins him at the altar. But not for long. A steamy limo ride proves that they have at least one thing in common. Suddenly, amid all the hype, there seems to be some hope for Shelly and Kit's ramshackle marriage, or at least for their honeymoon.

Cut to the tropical island of Réunion where newlywed Kit seems to be spending a lot of time on his own or with a French floozy...anywhere but with Shelly. Will Shelly discover the truth about Kit? Can she find romance in spite of a civil war, a natural disaster, and a crew of television staffers of the most dubious character? Do she and Kit have a chance for a real marriage in the surreal world of reality TV?

Clever, racy, and laugh-out-loud funny, Dead Sexy proves that love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Why do men like intelligent women?
Because opposites attract.

That's what Shelly Green thinks when she meets Kit Kincaide...on their wedding day. Unwittingly entered by her students in a Desperate and Dateless reality show contest, Shelly, a London music teacher, is caught off guard when she wins. Although the show's computer has predicted that she and Kit would make the perfect match -- physically, emotionally, and intellectually -- Shelly has some serious doubts about the hunky, boisterous American when she joins him at the altar. But not for long. A steamy limo ride proves that they have at least one thing in common. Suddenly, amid all the hype, there seems to be some hope for Shelly and Kit's ramshackle marriage, or at least for their honeymoon.

Cut to the tropical island of Réunion where newlywed Kit seems to be spending a lot of time on his own or with a French floozy...anywhere but with Shelly. Will Shelly discover the truth about Kit? Can she find romance in spite of a civil war, a natural disaster, and a crew of television staffers of the most dubious character? Do she and Kit have a chance for a real marriage in the surreal world of reality TV?

Clever, racy, and laugh-out-loud funny, Dead Sexy proves that love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Author Biography

Kathy Lette first achieved literary success as a teenager with Puberty Blues. After several years as a newspaper columnist in Sydney and New York, and as a television sitcom writer for Columbia Pictures, her novels Girls' Night Out, The Llama Parlour, Foetal Attraction, Mad Cows, Alter Ego, and Nip n' Tuck became international bestsellers. She lives in London with her husband and two children

Table of Contents

The Charm Offensive	p. 3
Detente	p. 23
Conscription	p. 33
The Preemptive Strike	p. 41
Rules of Engagement	p. 57
State of Siege	p. 77
Aquatic Maneuvers	p. 91
War Footing	p. 115
Cease-fire	p. 135
The Cold War	p. 155
Biological Warfare	p. 167
Declaration of War	p. 179
Double Agent	p. 193
Classified Information	p. 209
Coochi Coochi Coup	p. 223
The Firing Squad	p. 239
Booby Trap	p. 257
The Ambush	p. 273
Mobilization	p. 289
Retreat	p. 297
Kamikaze	p. 311
Terms of Surrender	p. 323
Casualty List	p. 335
Table of Contents provided by Ingram. All Rights Reserved.

Excerpts

Chapter 1: The Charm Offensive God, apparently as a prank, devised two sexes and called them "opposite." For 5,000 years the sex war has raged, with still no truce in sight. While birds, beasts of the field, invertebrates even, all pair off happily, breeding away without the aid of French ticklers, nipple-window bras, videos entitled Moist or Thrust, Viagra, She-agra, clitoris-orientation classes or Internet dating sites listing GSOHs -- the male and female of the human species are constantly at war. We're supposed to be the higher animal life form, but you don't see octopi going on dating-quiz television programs to get laid, now do you?This is what Shelly Green thought to herself as she waited at the altar of a church on Euston Road, on a dark, damp February day, a sweat stain the shape of Ireland beneath each armpit of the posh frock she'd been tricked into wearing on the pretext that she was going to play classical guitar at a Valentine's Day wedding. She just didn't know it was going to be her own. The TV presenter, sporting a tangled, unruly hairstyle that few men outside a heavy metal band would dare to contemplate, was relaying events via a handheld microphone to his viewers across England. "And we can now reveal that the winners of our computerized matchmaking competition here at Channel Six are...Shelly Green and Kit Kinkade!" he announced with lunatic fervor. "Their prize? Each other! Plus one hundred thousand pounds. Each!! A white wedding in Gretna Green, a reception in the faaaab-ulous Balmoral Hotel, a honeymoon on the sensaaaa-tional, unspoilt Reunion Island, a two-bedroom flat in the Docklands and -- " he verbally drum-rolled " -- a Honda hatchback! All of which the little love birds get to keep if, and I underline if, they can stay hitched for one whole year! What do you think, viewers? Has the computer played Cupid? Have two soul mates been united? Or will we watch as Kit and Shelly break up in a frenzy of mutual recrimination and toxic incompatibility?..."The maps beneath Shelly's armpits now grew to encompass all of the British Isles. She glowered at the gaggle of sixth-form pupils in their prime position in the front pews. They were the ones who'd tricked her into this debacle. An acned, teenage crew, they'd taken up music to get out of Home Ec and Woodwork, but had lucked upon the only teacher who didn't make them feel like pond-scum. These students liked their beloved music teacher enough to realize that she, a late and only child, was still grieving for her mother who'd succumbed to ovarian tumors three years earlier. To kick-start Shelly's life again they'd secretly entered her name into this reality television marriage competition, a crime for which, Shelly silently swore, they could expect detention involving a lot of trigonometry for the rest of their natural bloody lives. "So, isn't this every little girl's dream, Shelly -- to be married on Valentine's Day?" The coiffured presenter thrust the mike into her startled face. "I don't like the idea of getting married on any day," Shelly replied, stunned. "I don't even like the idea of men all that much!" Shelly's music students, overhearing this blurted confession, looked stricken. There was bound to be some legal penalty for forging their teacher's signature on the entry form. The announcer looked equally alarmed. He abruptly reclaimed his microphone and launched nervously into an upbeat spiel, for the benefit of any new viewers, on the program's premise. Basically, having been matchmade by computer from thousands of entries, after this "gorgeous" photo opportunity, bride and groom would be chauffeured by limousine to Gretna Green. This village just over the Scottish border, he explained, was a traditional elopement destination which didn't require the usual month's notification of the intention to marry. During the five-hour trip, the nation