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And inspiring advice on troubleshooting the small problems before they get too big to solve. This book transforms a marriage's painful moments into "growing pains" -- creating a relationship that is strong, stable...and glowing with good health.
| Acknowledgments | ix | ||||
| Foreword | xiii | ||||
| Introduction | xvii | ||||
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1 | (30) | |||
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31 | (34) | |||
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65 | (36) | |||
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101 | (37) | |||
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138 | (33) | |||
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171 | (33) | |||
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204 | (36) | |||
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240 | (32) | |||
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272 | (35) | |||
| Conclusion | 307 | (2) | |||
| Further Reading | 309 | (3) | |||
| Index | 312 | (6) | |||
| About the Author | 318 |
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The Used, Rental and eBook copies of this book are not guaranteed to include any supplemental materials. Typically, only the book itself is included. This is true even if the title states it includes any access cards, study guides, lab manuals, CDs, etc.
Chapter One
A Vital Connection
IF men and women make one mistake in their relationship, it's that they underestimate the importance of maintaining a solid connection between one another. Many think that living together under the same roof with a marriage license and a joint bank account ensures them of a blissful, lifelong relationship. It doesn't matter if you're a billionaire and your marriage license is signed by the Pope himself, if you and your mate don't have a functional system for communicating with each other, your relationship hasn't a chance of lasting a lifetime.
Communication, whether it be verbal or nonverbal, is what I consider to be the most important element in any relationship, especially between a husband and wife. Words, gestures, facial expressions, tone of voice, and touch are the connective tissue between you and your partner.
As "far out" as this may sound, think of your relationship as a NASA space project. On any given day, you and your mate switch roles as mission control and the astronaut in space. In an actual space mission, there must be open communication between the space craft and the people running the control center in Houston. Without it, the lives of the astronauts are at major risk.
This intergalactic situation is no different than marriage. If you and your partner don't maintain an open line of communication, your relationship will drift aimlessly just as sure as any space capsule left unattended in outer space.
Keeping your channel of communication open is not easy when there are so many ways it can be shut down. There isn't a couple walking the earth who hasn't sabotaged their relationship by screaming at each other, interrupting one another's conversations, or blaming each other. Throw in jibes of sarcasm and periods of silent treatment and you've got a surefire recipe for communication failure.
Miscommunication in any relationship is normal and is going to happen. You and your mate aren't mind readers and never will be. When signals get crossed or lost in the translation, your relationship won't be any worse for the wear and tear as long as your basic line of communication remains wide open and you can talk about what went wrong and how it can be avoided in the future. Any situation, whether it be about life's minutiae or life's catastrophes, can be dealt with when two people know they have each other to talk to.
Don't worry if you don't consider yourselves conversationalists. It's not how much you talk that matters, but how open your mind and heart are when you do talk.
Imperfect Timing
Tact is after all a kind of mind reading.
SARAH ORNE JEWETT
THERE are good times to talk to your mate. There are bad times to talk to your mate. Knowing which is which can make the difference between having conversations graced with ease or fraught with tension.
Unfortunately Blanche had a habit of picking the worst times to engage her husband in a conversation. Because she was a morning person, Blanche often tried to discuss important issues with Hal when they first woke up. Because her energy level was high and her mind was sharp, it made perfect sense to her to approach Hal at dawn.
What Blanche failed to realize, however, was that when her husband awoke he was focused on getting dressed, fed, and out of the house in time to catch the 7:45 A.M. train to work.
Whenever Blanche followed him into his walk-in closet to express her worries about their son's grades or her father's health, Hal concentrated more on which color tie to wear for the day than Blanche's anxiety. Frustrated with what she perceived to be her husband's lack of attention, Blanche usually became aggravated, making the start of their day stressful. Although she and Hal often talked later in the day about Blanche's concerns, her habit of bad timing took a toll on their relationship.
Whether or not an authentic, meaningful conversation occurs between you and your mate has as much to do with the timing as it does with the words. If you time it right, you can talk to your partner about anything from your opinion on politics and religion to your feelings on finances and raising children. If you time it wrong, discussing whether or not to change brands of toilet paper can escalate into a controversy.
If you are the least bit unsure about whether or not it's the right time to talk to your mate, be courteous enough to ask him or her first. Many people practice this technique as part of telephone etiquette. As soon as greetings are exchanged, the caller asks the person being called whether or not it's a good time to talk. "Hi, Bob. I need to talk with you about tonight's meeting. Is this a convenient time for you?" Without interrupting a conversation, Bob is given the opportunity to say if he can talk. It's a simple gesture, but it speaks volumes.
The same courtesy that is extended to friends and even strangers should be extended to your mate. If your mate tells you that it's not a good time to talk, it's fair for you to ask him or her when would be a better time and to agree on exactly when you will talk.
We all know that it's difficult to have a coherent and significant conversation when feeling rushed, distracted, or fatigued. You can save your relationship from unnecessary stress and tension if you pay attention to your timing, and ask your mate if the time is right.
Think About It:
Think about the last few times you asked your mate to talk about something. What was he or she doing at the time? What you may have labeled as your mate's inability to listen may have had more to do with your timing.
Yackety-Yack
There is no such thing as conversation. It is an illusion. There are intersecting monologues, that is all.
REBECCA WEST
JUST as the silence between notes turns music into a song, silence between words or sentences makes for meaningful conversation. Think about what talking with your mate would be like if your partner never stopped conversing long enough to take a breath. You might stay in the same room with him or her out of courtesy, but your mind would check out after five minutes of his or her talkfest.
I am guilty of such talkathons. Usually when I feel strongly about something my attempts at conversation turn into a monologue. At times like these I want so much for my husband to see my point of view that I tend to beat my point into the ground.
Whenever you engage in a nonstop discourse, you not only throw your mate into information overload, you make it nearly impossible for him or her to interact with you. Say what you have to say and let silence carry your message. Your silence does two things. First it gives your mate an opportunity to participate in the conversation. Secondly, it gives your partner the time he or she needs to absorb what you've said.
Inviting silence into your conversations takes faith. You must believe that you can relinquish the steering wheel long enough to let your partner drive for a while. The weight of your message can only truly be felt in the silence. If you talk your message into the ground, your mate will tune you out and not hear what you have to say.
If one of your complaints about your mate is that he or she never listens to you, then it's time you listen to yourself talk. If you are what I call a "go- oner," someone who goes on and on and on... you may not realize it, but you're teaching your mate how not to listen to you.
One of the keys to healthy communication in any relationship is learning how to use silence. More happens in the few seconds or minutes that we keep our mouths shut than in all the hours we spend chattering and pontificating. Give silence a chance, and the sound of your voice will become music to your mate's ears.
Just Do It:
Pay attention to how you sound and what you say when you talk to your partner. If you tend to soliloquize, practice using silence when you speak. If you've become so immune to the sound of your own voice, you might want to try tape recording yourself to help you realize what you sound like.
A Closet Tirade
The test of a man or woman's breeding is how they behave in a quarrel.
GEORGE BERNARD SHAW
WHETHER it came from a parent, a teacher, a neighbor, or a sibling, the sound of someone yelling at you when you were a child evoked a terrible, unforgettable feeling.
In many instances, the words alone were not half as harsh as the intensity, tone, and volume with which they were said. Take for instance, the sentence, "I said, sit down." If said in a calm, yet firm manner, these words would compel you to take a seat. On the other hand, if these words were bellowed at you like a military order, the impact on you would be extremely different.
When you and your mate disagree, you both have complete control over how you react to what each other says. If you feel yourself raising your voice, you have the power to avoid a highly charged conversation and maintain a low voltage discussion. If you hear your tone becoming accusatory, stop yourself in mid-sentence if you have to, take a deep breath, and change your tone. Practice listening to how you sound when you're angry. Observe yourself.
Developing an awareness of how you sound when you are angry is the first step to defusing your tirades. As hard as it is to be an objective observer of your own voice when you're on the edge of lashing out with your tongue, it is possible. When you feel an argument coming on, do two things. First, take a few deep breaths, inhaling through your nose and exhaling from your mouth. Second, practice silent self-talk. When you feel yourself heating up to the point where you begin to raise your voice, gently remind yourself that screaming will only make the situation worse. Tell yourself to remain calm and to keep your voice at a firm, but even level.
If you think you absolutely cannot control your temper, do what I do to avoid a shouting match. Excuse yourself from the situation, let your partner know you will be back momentarily, and head for the nearest closet. Although you can vent your anger by writing down your feelings or punching a pillow, a closet provides a private space to air your frustrations at the moment you feel them.
My walk-in bedroom closet has been my best friend at times of uncontrollable anger. I can close my closet door, rant and rave to my heart's content, and know that whatever I say won't be directed toward anyone. The value of letting off steam at my double-breasted blazers and high-heeled shoes is priceless. Once my rage is sufficiently vented, I can return to the conversation with my husband with a clearer mind and calmer voice.
Screaming is something that must be left out of your conversations with your mate. Shouting at your partner only ensures that he or she will not hear a word of what you're saying. Your verbal blastings will do nothing but make your mate feel berated and you will feel rotten for doing the berating.
Just Do It:
In preparation for the next time you might raise your voice to your mate, have a closet or other receptacle ready and waiting to house you when your emotions run rampant.
Time Larceny
A burglar who respects his art always takes his time before taking anything else.
O. HENRY
While it may sound strange, in order to communicate in a relationship you have to learn to act like a thief, a burglar, or a robber.
You and your mate are given the exact same amount of time as every other couple walking this earth. You don't get twenty-one hours in a day while the couple down the street gets twenty-six hours. Regardless of how much time you have together, the time will eventually run out.
Between working, sleeping, parenting, and all of the other zillion things you find yourself doing, it doesn't take long for your allotment of hours to be devoured. In order for you and your mate to talk about anything, whether it be your grief over a lost parent, your frustration with your city's school system, or the baseball score, you have to become an expert at time larceny in order to communicate with each other.
If you own the luxury of having dispensable time on your hands to have a lusciously long conversation with your mate, take advantage of it. But if you're like the rest of us who can't seem to find time to go to the bathroom, let alone converse with our mate, then you need to join the ranks of "time snatchers."
To become a proficient time snatcher you have to make yourself aware of abundant conversation opportunities. Waiting in line at a grocery store, in a doctor's office, or at a car dealership affords you the chance to talk to your mate at a time when you might otherwise zone out. Although this probably isn't the time for intimate sharing, you can certainly talk, or even whisper about something that will make you feel connected.
You are each other's captive audience while driving in a car together, and you wouldn't think you'd have to steal time with your mate, but you do. How often have you and your partner driven somewhere and between the time you leave and the time you arrive, you haven't said two words to each other? My guess is that in situations like these, the sound of the radio, cassette tape, or CD creates more noise than either of your voices. If you're not careful, your mobile entertainment center will rob you of precious moments with each other. Turn off the outside world and reclaim what is rightfully yours--uncluttered time.
You have more "down time" in your life than you may realize; time when you're with your mate and not doing anything in particular. Pay attention to these unscheduled, unobligated moments. Snatch them for your relationship before they disappear.
Think About It:
Think about your schedule this week. When will you and your mate be in the car together? Will you be anywhere that you'll have to wait? If so, snatch that time to connect with each other rather than letting it slip away.
(Continues...)
Copyright © 2000 Kathy Gould Dawson. All rights reserved.
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