DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME Culinary Catastrophes from the World's Greatest Chefs A hilarious and heartening collection of kitchen disasters. In this raucous new collection, over forty of the world's greatest chefs relate outrageous true tales from their kitchens. From hiring a blind line cook to flooding the room with meringue to being terrorized by a French owl, these behind-the-scenes accounts are as wildly entertaining as they are revealing. A delicious reminder that even the chefs we most admire aren't always perfect,Don't Try This at Homeis a must-have for anyone who loves food or is fascinated by those who masterfully prepare it. Ferran Adria on when lobsters go bad Jose Andres on asking for help Dan Barber on talking to your fish Mario Batali on the perfect risotto Michelle Bernstein on the many uses of chocolate Heston Blumenthal on the angriest maitre d' in England Daniel Boulud on one thousand bowls of soup Anthony Bourdain on beating up the customers Jimmy Bradley on drinking games Scott Bryan on too many salamanders David Burke on hiding the laundry Samuel Clark on cooking for royalty Tom Colicchio on sneaking through customs Scott Conant on the persistence of eels Tamasin Day-Lewis on how not to store a pheasant Tom Douglas on the strange destiny of snowstorms Wylie Dufresne on birds of prey Jonathan Eismann on the healing powers of electricity Claudia Fleming on runaway meringue Gabrielle Hamilton on second sight Fergus Henderson on the far from ordinary Paul Kahan on caller ID Hubert Keller on tempting fate Giorgio Locatelli on the art of the French ambush Michael Lomonaco on feeding Pavarotti Pino Luongo on summer school in the Hamptons Mary Sue Milliken and Susan Feniger on getting away with it Sara Moulton on how to destroy a food processor Tamara Murphy on the misuses of foie gras Cindy Pawlcyn on eating at home Neil Perry on unexpected showers Michel Richard on how to rescue a wayward cake Eric Ripert on getting to the kitchen Alain Sailhac on salty coffee and solitary confinement Marcus Samuelsson on the languages of gelatin Bill Telepan on the Fish Guys versus the Meat Guys Laurent Tourondel on rib-eye rush hour Tom Valenti on the grounds for revenge Norman Van Aken on Key West hi-jinks Geoffrey Zakarian on a license to eat dangerously

Kimberly Witherspoon is a partner at Inkwell Management, a literary agency based in Manhattan. She is very proud to represent four of the chefs in this anthology: Anthony Bourdain, Tamasin Day-Lewis, Gabrielle Hamilton, and Fergus Henderson. She and her family live in North Salem, New York.

Andrew Friedman is a writer who specializes in all things culinary, with a focus on chef and restaurant culture. In addition to his own work, he has coauthored more than a dozen cookbooks with some of the most successful chefs and restaurateurs in the country, including Michael Lomonaco, Pino Luongo, Alfred Portale, Bill Telepan, and Tom Valenti. He lives in New York City with his family.

Introduction

(2)

FERRÁN ADRIÀ

Horror in Gerona

(6)

JOSÉ ANDRÉS

All by Myself

(4)

DAN BARBER

Meet David Bouley

(6)

MARIO BATALI

The Last Straw

(7)

MICHELLE BERNSTEIN

Two Great Tastes That Taste Great Together

(6)

HESTON BLUMENTHAL

Lean Times at the Fat Duck

(7)

DANIEL BOULUD

On the Road Again

(6)

ANTHONY BOURDAIN

New Year's Meltdown

(17)

JIMMY BRADLEY

Ship of Fools

(9)

SCOTT BRYAN

If You Can't Stand the Heat

(8)

DAVID BURKE

White Lie

(5)

SAMUEL CLARK

A Simple Request

(6)

TOM COLICCHIO

The Traveling Chef

(9)

SCOTT CONANT

This Whole Place Is Slithering

(5)

TAMASIN DAY-LEWIS

Euphoria

104

(13)

TOM DOUGLAS

Hope for Snow

117

(8)

WYLIE DUFRESNE

Beastmaster

125

(9)

JONATHAN EISMANN

The Curious Case of Tommy Flynn

134

(7)

CLAUDIA FLEMING

The Blob

141

(6)

GABRIELLE HAMILTON

The Blind Line Cook

147

(7)

FERGUS HENDERSON

Genus Loci

154

(4)

PAUL KAHAN

(Not) Ready for My Close-Up

158

(5)

HUBERT KELLER

Just Add Water

163

(7)

GIORGIO LOCATELLI

An Italian in Paris

170

(9)

MICHAEL LOMONACO

A Night at the Opera

179

(12)

PING LUONGO

A User's Guide to Opening a Hamptons Restaurant

191

(16)

MARY SUE MILLIKEN & SUSAN FENIGER

Our Big Brake

207

(8)

SARA MOULTON

A Chef in the Family

215

(6)

TAMARA MURPHY

For the Birds

221

(6)

CINDY PAWLCYN

Chef's Table

227

(5)

NEIL PERRY

Our First Friday

232

(5)

MICHEL RICHARD

Alibi

237

(6)

ERIC RIPERT

You Really Ought to Think About Becoming a Waiter

243

(7)

ALAIN SAILHAC

You're in the Army Now

250

(6)

MARCUS SAMUELSSON

The Big Chill

256

(9)

BILL TELEPAN

Neverland

265

(10)

LAURENT TOURONDEL

Friends and Family

275

(9)

TOM VALENTI

The Trojan Cookie

284

(6)

NORMAN VAN AKEN

Shit Happens

290

(10)

GEOFFREY ZAKARIAN

The Michelin Man

300

(7)

Acknowledgments

307

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Excerpts

“In my long and checkered career I have been witness to, party to, and even singularly responsible for any number of screw-ups, missteps, and over-reaches. I am not Alain Ducasse. The focus of my career has not always been a relentless drive towards excellence. As a mostly journeyman chef, knocking around the restaurant business for twenty-eight years, I’ve witnessed some pretty ugly episodes of culinary disaster. I have seen an accidentally glass-laden breaded veal cutlet cause a customer to rise up in the middle of a crowded dining room and begin keening and screaming with pain as blood dribbled from his mouth. I’ve watched restaurants endure mid-dinner rush fires, floods rodent infiltration—as well as the more innocuous annoyances of used band-aids, tufts of hair, and industrial staples showing up in the Nicoise salad. Busboy stabbing busboy, customer beating up customer, waters duking it out on the dining room floor—I’ve seen it all. But never have a I seen such a shameful synergy of Truly Awful Things happen, and in such spectacular fashion, as on New Years Eve 1991, a date that surely deserves to live in New York restaurant infamy…”--Anthony Bourdain, “New Years Meltdown”

"After looking at the fries, the chef decided that I had cheated, making them the day before and stashing them in the walk-in. I assured him that I hadn’t cheated. In fact, I invited him to walk across the kitchen where he could see the evidence of freshness for himself: the spent potato peels, still in the garbage can. But he didn’t want to hear this. He so didn’t want to hear it that he call me a name he had never called me before: navvy. To this day, I’m not sure what it means. But when he called me that, a hush fell over the restaurant staff, as though Marco had just slapped me with his gloves and I was supposed to challenge him to a duel…" --Mario Batali, "The Last Straw"

“My chef and I were charged with making one dish that night: Smoked salmon served with a thin sliver of avocado terrine. To make the terrine, you prepared a béchamel, then folded in an avocado puree. The mixture was poured into a mold and a gelatinous liquid was poured over it. It was then refrigerated so the gelatin would set up and suspend the beautiful puree. My chef took the salmon for himself and assigned me the terrine. Eagerly, I went to get some gelatin from the supply room, but discovered that all they had was the powdered variety. Having only used sheet gelatin, I turned the package over to read the instructions. On the back of the box there were what I’m sure were very helpful tips, written in not one but three languages: German, French, and Italian. This was about the time when I realized that this wasn’t going to be my day…”--Marcus Samuelsson, ‘The Big Chill”

Excerpted from Don't Try This at Home: Culinary Catastrophes from the World's Greatest Chefs
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