Essential Manners For Couples

by Post, Peter

• ISBN13: 9780060776657
• ISBN10: 006077665X
• Format: Hardcover
• Copyright: 2005-01-01
• Publisher: HarperCollins Publications

Summary

Post takes on couples' flashpoints, explaining the little things that make a big difference in relationships and how to head off hostilities before even the most well-intended behavior causes problems.

Table of Contents

Acknowledgments	p. ix
Preface	p. xv
Introduction: That's When the Lightbulb Went On	p. 1
Private Life
Public Life
The Two of You Together
Etiquette-The Pathway to a Better Relationship	p. 9
So, What Exactly Is Etiquette?
The Three Factors That Affect Every Relationship
The Three Principles of Etiquette
When Manners Are No Guide
Not Thinking Versus Thinking
Etiquette Behind Closed Doors	p. 21
Letting Etiquette Guide the Way
Making It Work-Just the Two of You
Communication-The Glue That Holds a Relationship Together	p. 31
The Importance of Saying "I Love You"
Beyond "I Love You": The Etiquette of Effective Communication
The Art of Listening
Your Tone of Voice Matters, Too
Written Communication
The Importance of Nonverbal Communication	p. 43
The Signals We Send
Communicating Through Touch
Thoughtful Gestures Make All the Difference	p. 55
Making Coffee for Your Partner
Massages and Rubbing
Hugs
Flowers
Giving Your Partner Time Off
Going Along for the Ride
Be an Active Listener
The Power of Sharing
Milestones and Special Days	p. 63
Celebrating Anniversaries and Birthdays
Valentine's Day and Mother's/Father's Day
"It's Tuesday"
Ladies Snore, Too (Bedroom Etiquette)	p. 71
Our Bedroom...or My Bedroom?
Sex and Etiquette
Children Change Everything	p. 85
Relationships and Pregnancy
"There's No Time for 'Us' Now"
Resolving Child Care Inequity
Discipline: The Importance of Being on the Same Page
The Empty Nest Syndrome?
Financial Issues	p. 99
Bank Accounts: Joint or Separate?
Stress and Finances
Making Decisions the Hard Way
Divvying Up the Chores	p. 107
Chores Strengthen Your Relationship
Appreciating Each Other's Contributions
The Importance of Flexibility
Survey Says: It's All a Matter of Perception!
The Bottom Line
Leisure Time	p. 123
The Importance of Doing Things Together
The Importance of Doing Things Alone
The Importance of Doing Things Together Alone
Your Special Place
Date Night, Part 1
Date Night, Part 2
The Power of Surprises
Negotiating Your Social Schedule
A Night at the Opera
Leisure Time at Home
The Art of Compromise: It Won't Always Be Fifty-Fifty
When Reasonable People Disagree	p. 139
Pick Your Battles Carefully
Bridges You Don't Want to Cross
When Mount Anger Erupts
Not Always Fifty-Fifty, Revisited
Don't Let Peas Turn Into Boulders
How to End It and Move On?
Four Steps to Resolving Disagreements
The Two of You in the World
The Public Couple	p. 151
The 24/7 Partner
Why Manners Matter, Revisited
Dissing Doesn't Work
Your Friends, My Friends, Our Friends
Staying in Touch When You're in a New Relationship
Making New Friends Together
Boys'/Girls' Night Out
Out on the Town	p. 167
Who's-Going With Us?
Deal-Breakers
Failing to Observe the Niceties
Paying the Check
When It's Time to Go
At a Party	p. 183
Before You Get There
Avoiding Conversational Blunders
Being Good Partners
Being Good Guests
"Say Good Night, Gracie"
Entertaining at Home	p. 199
Planning Your Party
The Devil Is in the Details
Being the Gracious Host
Entertaining Houseguests
Extended-Family Dynamics	p. 217
Smooth Merge, or Crash and Burn?
The Holiday Season
Work-The Other Significant Other	p. 229
Working Together
Work Life Versus Home Life: A Constant Struggle
When Careers Collide
Office Parties and Other Events
Business Trips
The Home Office
Vacations and Leisure Time
All Work and No Play Makes for a Dull Relationship
On the Road	p. 245
Trains, Planes, and Automobiles (Being Considerate Travelers)
Memo to Selves: Have Fun With Each Other
The Ugly American
Traveling With Other People
Special Occasions	p. 255
Getting Hitched
The Honeymoon
Afterword	p. 265
Index	p. 266
Table of Contents provided by Ingram. All Rights Reserved.

Excerpts

Essential Manners for Couples
From Snoring and Sex to Finances and Fighting Fair-What Works, What Doesn't, and Why

Chapter One

Etiquette -- The Pathway to a Better Relationship

The elegant Manhattan restaurant was packed, with the tables so close together that the couple next to my wife and me might as well have been sitting at our table. As a result, it was impossible not to notice what was occurring between them.

A minute or so after the couple sat down, the waiter brought them menus. I noticed, to my puzzlement, that the woman was talking -- but not to her husband. Then I realized she had her cell phone to her ear and was conversing with a friend. One by one, she read off each item on the menu, then discussed it at length with her unseen pal. Meanwhile, her husband sat there with his head buried in his menu.

That was bad enough. What happened when the main course arrived, however, was truly astonishing. In the middle of eating, the woman again took out her cell phone, called the same friend, and launched into a long discussion about how good the food was -- leaving her husband to eat his own entrée in silent isolation. This time, I could tell that he was getting frustrated and annoyed.

You think etiquette doesn't matter when you're part of a couple? Besides leaving an unfavorable impression on everyone around her in the restaurant, the woman's rude behavior turned what should have been a lovely, shared experience for that couple into a serious disappointment on the husband's part. That evening, his wife's lack of etiquette directly affected their relationship -- and not in a good way.

So, What Exactly Is Etiquette?

When I first took on the role of spokesperson for the Emily Post Institute, I read all of my great-grandmother Emily Post's books and interviews in an effort to find out what she truly thought about etiquette. I was surprised to discover that Emily actually disliked the notion of rules. What she was a proponent of was people having a wonderful time together -- engaging in spirited, interesting conversations, getting to know each other well, and doing fun, interesting things together.

In my quest, I came across a perfect description of etiquette that my great-grandmother had given to a magazine writer. It captures the essence of Emily's attitude toward etiquette:

Whenever two people come together and their behavior affects one another, you have etiquette. Etiquette is not some rigid code of manners, it's simply how persons' lives touch one another.

That's it: no manners, no rules -- just behavior, and how it affects relationships. Or, to put it another way: The more people's lives touch each other, the more important etiquette is to the relationship. And what better example is there of lives being intertwined than that of a couple?

The Three Factors That Affect Every Relationship

A relationship is a pretty amorphous thing -- tough to grab hold of. If someone simply told you to go out and start doing a better job in your relationship with your SO, you'd probably look at them as if they were nuts.

But what if I were to tell you instead that just by improving your specific, day-to-day actions, appearance, and words, you can materially affect your relationship with your spouse, partner, or boyfriend/girlfriend for the better -- starting immediately? That sounds a lot more doable, doesn't it?

Can it really be that simple? To find out, let's take a closer look at what can happen when things go wrong in these three areas.

Actions. When the woman sitting next to us at dinner picked up her cell phone to call a friend, she instantly cut her connection with the very person she was supposed to be sharing that moment with -- her husband. Her behavior shouted, "I'm not considerate of your situation, I don't respect your feelings, and I don't value our time together." Her thoughtless actions spoke volumes.

Appearance. Even if you don't do or say anything, your clothes and grooming send a clear message about what you're thinking and feeling. Another night, while eating in that same Manhattan restaurant, I glanced up to see a couple arriving for dinner. She was dressed very nicely in a skirt and blouse, with a scarf providing an accent of color and style. Her hair was washed and attractively styled -- she really looked good. He, on the other hand, was wearing rumpled jeans and a black T-shirt with an inane slogan on the back. "They've got to be married to each other," I said to my wife. "Otherwise, there's no way she'd be out with him."

Words. Misunderstandings come from poor word choice as much as anything else. One of the simplest words to misuse is the we. The ubiquitous we often really means you -- "Should we call and check the time for the performance tonight?" translates into "Why don't you call and check the time for the performance tonight?"

I can just hear it now: "What do you mean, ‘we'? If you want to ask me to do something, just ask!" Better yet, why not simply offer to make the call yourself?

As these examples show, whenever a questionable action, appearance, or word rears its head, it abruptly shifts the focus from whatever activity you are engaged in -- whether it's an intimate dinner together, a public event, or an important discussion -- to the question "Why is he doing (or looking like) (or saying) that?" When this happens, reversing course and returning the focus to where you want can be difficult.

The Three Principles of Etiquette

Etiquette is governed by three principles: consideration, respect, and honesty. These provide the framework for defining every manner or "correct" behavior that has ever been formulated. These principles are timeless, transcending cultural and socioeconomic boundaries. They apply equally to all ages and all types of relationships -- including your closest relationship.

Consideration
Consideration is understanding how other people are affected by whatever is taking place. To be considerate is to show empathy for those around you. Consideration, above all, requires thinking before acting. In order to consider the effect of your actions, appearance, and words on your SO, you'll ask yourself, "How's he going to feel or react if I do that?" It's when you just blindly go ahead and do something without thinking that you're not showing consideration -- and stuff is likely to hit the fan.

Essential Manners for Couples
From Snoring and Sex to Finances and Fighting Fair-What Works, What Doesn't, and Why. Copyright © by Peter Post. Reprinted by permission of HarperCollins Publishers, Inc. All rights reserved. Available now wherever books are sold.

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Excerpted from Essential Manners for Couples: From Snoring and Sex to Finances and Fighting Fair-What Works, What Doesn't, and Why by Peter Post
All rights reserved by the original copyright owners. Excerpts are provided for display purposes only and may not be reproduced, reprinted or distributed without the written permission of the publisher.