The Government Manual for New Wizards

by Brozik, Matthew David; Weinstein, Jacob Sager

• ISBN13: 9780740757327
• ISBN10: 0740757326
• Format: Paperback
• Copyright: 2006-05-01
• Publisher: Andrews McMeel Publishing

Summary

The Government Manual for New Wizards is a hilarious, mock-official handbook for wannabe witches and warlocks who need advice on recognizing the onset of wizardolescence, understanding the laws of magic (and the magic of laws), choosing (or being chosen by) the right magical items and enchanted artifacts, dealing with the dead (grateful and otherwise), successfully hosting magical exhibitions, and the proper care and feeding of magical creatures.Wands, charms, cloaks of invisibility, shoes of stealth (or "sneakers"), and other otherworldly accoutrements-it's all here, discussed tongue-in-cheek but with the utmost Governmental authority.This entertaining guide offers such sage advice as: " A demon is just as afraid of you as you are of it-provided, of course, that you are eight feet tall, composed of living fire, and capable of destroying a small village with a single angry thought. Otherwise, it doesn't find you frightening at all." When selecting educational programs, do not be tempted by solicitations from wizardry parchment mills. A so-called degree from such a place is not worth the scroll on which it appears to be inscribed. The ink will disappear not long after the school itself does.The Government Manual for New Wizards is a sidesplitting spoof of all things wizard-y.

Author Biography

Matthew David Brozik lives on Long Island, N.Y. He has studied writing with Joyce Carol Oates, Russell Banks, Leslie Epstein, and Steven Wright and has written for a number of literary publications.




Jacob Sager Weinstein has written for The New Yorker, McSweeney's, and Cracked.com, and is a former contributor to The Onion. He's also written for HBO, NBC, and the BBC.

Jacob and his wife live in London with their two children, neither of whom has ever been lost at sea or stuck in the middle of a buffalo stampede. Also, that one time he wasn't paying attention and the baby carriage rolled into the Regent's Park Duck Pond, neither of his kids was in it. What more could you want from a parenting expert?

Table of Contents

Prefatory Communication from Herbert Dunn, Registrar of Enchanted Persons	xv
Prolegomenon	xvii
CHAPTER ONE: The Onset of Wizardry	1	(24)
Wizardolescence	1	(1)
When Does Wizardry Begin?	2	(1)
"Am I Normal?"	3	(2)
Physical Changes	5	(2)
Wizard, or What?	6	(1)
Birthmarks and What They Mark You For	7	(2)
Marks That Are Not Magical	8	(1)
Scars	9	(1)
Changes in Your Brain	10	(1)
Hearing Voices	11	(1)
Seeing Visions	12	(1)
Remembering Things That Never Happened	13	(2)
Making Things Move, Explode, Melt, etc., Without Even Touching Them	15	(1)
Diet and Exercise	15	(2)
Wizard Training	17	(1)
Accredited Schools	17	(1)
Apprenticeships	18	(1)
Distance Learning	19	(3)
How to Recognize Fly-by-Moonlight Operations	20	(2)
Financial Aid	22	(1)
Leaving the Nest (On a Wing and a Spell)	23	(2)
CHAPTER TWO: The Laws of Magic, the Magic of Laws	25	(30)
Asimov's Three Laws of Magic	26	(4)
The Big Spooky Bang Theory of Magic	27	(3)
Types of Magic	30	(1)
Methods of Casting Magic	31	(1)
Magic Spells	32	(1)
Charms	32	(2)
SASEs	34	(2)
Science Tricks—Don't Be Fooled!	34	(2)
The Registrar of Enchanted Persons	36	(1)
Preventing Undesirable Activities	37	(1)
Illicit Magical Substances	37	(1)
Involuntary Transubstantiation, Insubstantiation, or Ratiocination	38	(1)
Magical Fraud	39	(3)
Wizards Prison: Myths and Truths	40	(2)
Thwarting the Schemes of Evil Sorcerers	42	(2)
A Note to Young Readers	42	(2)
Encouraging Socially Responsible Magical Behavior	44	(1)
Saving It for Marriage	44	(1)
The Urban Thaumaturgy Initiative	45	(1)
Magical Addiction Prevention	46	(1)
Staying on the Right Side of the Law	47	(1)
Annual Safety Inspection for Brooms	47	(3)
Haven't You Heard?	48	(2)
Licensing Requirements for Witch Doctors	50	(1)
Filing Your Enchantment Taxes	50	(3)
The Motto of the IRS's Magical Affairs Branch	51	(1)
The Philosopher's Stone	52	(1)
Consulting a Magician-at-Law	53	(2)
CHAPTER THREE: Keeping a Leash on Your Familiar	55	(16)
Classification of Animals	55	(2)
Some Familiar Familiars	57	(2)
Avoid Unfamiliar Familiars	58	(1)
Breeding and Population Control	59	(2)
Purebred Certification	61	(1)
Spaying/Neutering/De-Sporulation	62	(1)
Local Regulation of Familiars	62	(1)
Humane Treatment of Familiars	63	(1)
Vaccination	64	(1)
Transportation	64	(1)
Using Familiar as Means of Transportation	65	(1)
Alteration (removing or adding fangs, claws, tails, eyes)	66	(1)
Sale or Transfer of Animals	67	(1)
Injuries by Familiars	67	(1)
Defenses of Owners of Attacking Familiars	68	(3)
CHAPTER FOUR: Magical Items and Artifacts	71	(14)
Basic Equipment	71	(1)
A Wizard's Wand	71	(1)
A Wizard's Knife	72	(1)
A Wizard's Other Items	73	(1)
Finders Weepers?	74	(1)
Certain (Un)Common Items of Enchanted Clothing	75	(2)
Magical Jewelry	77	(1)
Assorted Otherworldly Accoutrements	78	(1)
Magical/Mysterious Musical Instruments	79	(2)
Cursed Magical Items	81	(4)
CHAPTER FIVE: The Dead (Grateful and Otherwise)	85	(18)
When to Expect the Dead	85	(2)
Getting Along with the Dead	87	(3)
Earning the Gratitude of the Dead	90	(6)
Where Next, Voyager?	93	(3)
Getting Rid of the Dead	96	(1)
What to Do If You Discover You Are Dead	97	(6)
Rattling Chains—Classic Technique or Tired Cliché?	99	(4)
CHAPTER SIX: Magical Creatures: Part-Lion/ Part-Tiger/Part-Bear—Oh, My!	103	(18)
First Contact	105	(4)
Passport to and/or from Adventure	108	(1)
Specific Creatures	109	(1)
Elves	110	(1)
Leprechauns	110	(1)
Trolls	111	(1)
Fairies and/or Faeries	112	(1)
Ogres	113	(1)
Ores	113	(2)
Mermaids	115	(2)
The Church of the Water-Day Saints	116	(1)
Werewolves and Their Kin	117	(1)
Miscellaneous Combinations	117	(4)
Here There Be a Sidebar on Dragons	119	(2)
CHAPTER SEVEN: Magical Amusements and Exhibitions	121	(12)
Permits	121	(3)
Particular Common Events	124	(3)
All the World's a Stage	125	(2)
Tickets	127	(1)
Advance Sales; Refunds; Transfer	127	(1)
Warning!	128	(1)
Scalping	128	(1)
Admission or Exclusion/Ejection of Certain Persons from an Event	128	(1)
Common Ticket Abbreviations and Language	129	(1)
Magical Sports	130	(1)
Bribery and Tampering	131	(1)
Betting on Magical Sports	132	(1)
Magical Creature Fights	132	(1)
CHAPTER EIGHT: Black Magic Is Not the New White Magic	133	(16)
Mauve Magic: Harmless Fashion Statement or Gateway Drug?	136	(2)
The Dangers of Black Magic	138	(2)
A Warning	138	(2)
Demons	140	(3)
The Temptations of Black Magic	143	(1)
Defenses Against the Dark Arts	144	(5)
Afterword from Senator Leonora Bitterman	149	(4)
Appendix A: Suggested Further Reading	153	(2)
Appendix B: Useful Forms	155	(6)
Index	161	(7)
About the Authors	168