Gripes

by Kaufmann, Jean-Claude; Morrison, Helen

• ISBN13: 9780745643618
• ISBN10: 0745643612
• Edition: 1st
• Format: Hardcover
• Copyright: 2009-12-14
• Publisher: Polity

Summary

We all know what it's like to be annoyed by little things that our husband, wife or partner does leaving the cap off the toothpaste tube, leaving the toilet lid up, leaving dirty clothes on the floor and we know how easily these little grievances of everyday life can spin out of control. In this brilliant new book the sociologist Jean-Claude Kaufmann shows us how and why sparks can suddenly fly even in the most well-adjusted couples.They see themselves as being in total harmony but they are mistaken! The clash between their uniquely individual attitudes to life rumbles on in silence until suddenly erupting in emotional outbursts each time an object or an attitude reveals for the thousandth time the unbearable and incomprehensible otherness of the partner.When this occurs, a whole panoply of tactics is deployed, ranging from the combative (secret acts of revenge) through the neutral (sulking) to the subtly loving. But these stormy episodes within relationships can have a happy ending, for it is through learning to overcome these irritations and aggravations that love is ultimately strengthened.

Author Biography

Jean-Claude Kaufmann, Professor of Sociology, University of Paris V, Sorbonne

Translated by Helen Morrison

Table of Contents

Introduction	p. 1
1 + 1 = 4
The conjugal adventure	p. 9
Domestic emotions	p. 11
1 + 1 = 1?	p. 14
Sparks start to fly	p. 16
The comfort zone	p. 22
Doubly irritating objects	p. 25
Key episodes	p. 28
Men and women - different or complementary?	p. 34
The different approaches	p. 36
Glitches	p. 39
Are men less irritated?	p. 45
Irritated by a spectre	p. 50
Millions of Peter Pans?	p. 52
Stubborn macho reactions	p. 57
In the Eye of the Storm
The causes	p. 65
The symbolic toothpaste tube	p. 66
Forced proximity	p. 68
A waltz in double time	p. 73
Traces of the self	p. 77
Money matters	p. 79
Secret worlds	p. 81
Too close	p. 82
Too distant	p. 85
The mechanics	p. 89
The list	p. 89
Crystallization	p. 95
Letting off steam	p. 97
Aspects of identity	p. 100
'Passion killers' and the magic of love	p. 102
Confused feelings	p. 105
A certain notion of the truth	p. 107
Dissonance	p. 109
The wider picture	p. 112
Family baggage	p. 112
'Mummy's boy'	p. 114
'That slut'	p. 121
Inattentiveness and humiliation	p. 125
Dissatisfaction	p. 131
Disgust	p. 133
Pathological irritability	p. 135
Aggravating social circumstances	p. 137
Part 3
Communication difficulties	p. 143
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth	p. 143
Hot and cold	p. 145
The language of gestures	p. 147
The use of laughter	p. 150
Inside the mind of the irritator	p. 153
Secret acts of revenge	p. 156
Love's secret ways	p. 163
Minuscule victories	p. 163
The about-turn	p. 165
When irritation melts away	p. 167
Physical therapy	p. 169
Judicious use of sulking	p. 172
Seeing reason	p. 176
Reframing the scene	p. 178
The little private cinema and voice off	p. 180
Accentuating the positive	p. 183
Conclusion	p. 186
Methodological appendix	p. 191
A new research technique	p. 191
My direct correspondents	p. 194
A research project cannot be emptied out like a bag	p. 212
My other sources	p. 213
Bibliography	p. 215
Index	p. 219
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