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Chapter Four
Romance
Dear Paul,
This romance thing is making me crazy. I'm dating a wonderful girl named Valerie and last night I took her to a romantic night out at an expensive restaurant. I spent more than $100 for the two of us. She seemed to be having a good time. I figured that before the night was over my Little Willy would be seeing some serious action. But when I took her home all I got was a thirty-second good-night kiss. At this rate, I'll have to spend at least $2,000 on a weekend in Acapulco just to get a hand job. Do you have any suggestions?
Randy from Norfolk
Dear Randy,
You might be confusing romance with prostitution. This is a bad mistake, unless the woman you are romancing also enjoys turning tricks on the side. If what you are looking for is sex, you shouldn't have any trouble finding a woman who will give you more than a hand job for $100. If what you are looking for is romance, then sex should not be the goal. That's because romance has its own special universe that resides somewhere between Platonic love and carnal lust. Sure, romance can evolve into sex, but it's just as possible to have a perfectly romantic evening and still end up in bed alone, lathering up Little Willy with his favorite brand of hand lotion and romancing him that way. In case you find this answer confusing, please keep reading. You'll get the concept by the end of the chapter.
How the Free Market Has Given Romance a Bad Name
Dear Paul,
Romance is that mushy stuff that fills Harlequin novels. It is an entirely feminine construct. Men only become romantic when sheer raw sex is assured. Every time I see those pathetic diamond commercials, I nearly throw up on my television. What I want to know is if any guy has ever been romantic without the possibility of sex hanging in the balance?
Lennie from Leadville
Dear Lennie,
Do you realize there is not a single solitary woman in the entire universe who would date you if she knew you submitted this question? Were you abused as a child? Does your own penis cringe with fear whenever it sees your cynical hand approaching? And for another thing, research done in Atlanta shows that women who read romance novels have sex twice as often as women who thumb their noses at the bodice-ripping genre ( Archives of Sexual Behavior : June 1984; 13(3):187-209).
In your defense, you make the same mistake that many men and women do: you associate romance with capital outlay the proffering of diamonds and stuff. Although you probably consider yourself to be a free thinker and quite the amazing philosopher, when it comes to romance you appear to be a witless puppet of the mass media.
TV and magazine ads constantly distort the notion of romance, given how we hardly see it portrayed without some credit card being hyped in the process. The fact is, none of the huge corporations (or small ones for that matter) make a single dime when you do something simple but thoughtful for your partner.They don't want you to know that the possibility even exists.
Contrary to what your television is telling you, romance does not need to cost a thing. Romance has a lot more to do with thoughtfulness, kindness and fun than spending tons of money. It has to do with special gestures, like taking the time to help your partner do taxes, or scouring the tile in her skanky-looking shower, or getting him a bottle of his favorite imported beer, or taking a whole day to help her organize a troublesome closet or garage. Maybe it's washing her car and getting its oil changed, or just leaving a note on the refrigerator or car seat saying "I love you." Maybe it's telling him how much you appreciate how hard he works. Of course, there's no reason to trust the Goofy Foot Press. Consider instead what some of our guy readers have to say about the subject of romance:
"Romance is being kind, gentle and thoughtful. Sometimes intense as when making love, sometimes only on pilot light, but never off." male age 70
"Romance is when we go rollerblading together at the beach." male age 32
"Romance is kissing at every red light while on a date, or feeling tingly when you see each other again after being apart for hours or days." male age 38
"Romance is when she and I can absolutely forget that the rest of the world exists. Just today we both had a million things to do to prepare for the coming work week but I turned on the CD player and played a great Spanish song about a bull that falls in love with the moon. Soon we had dropped our work and were spinning each other around the living room like two people who had no idea how to dance flamenco..." male age 25
"Romance is being naked in the sun." male age 42
There's not a single thing these guys mention that will require the folks at MasterCard to increase your credit limit. Of course, maybe they are deluding themselves, thinking they can be romantic without seriously increasing the national debt. So let's check with what our women readers have to say.
Women Readers on Romance
"What is romance? Stroking my hair, holding my hand, helping me with the housework, cooking, talking, sharing the day with me." female age 43
"Romance is waking up in my partner's arms and being told that he loves me." female age 27
"Romance is sitting on a hammock together reading our books." female age 26
"Romance is talking to each other when we are frustrated or upset and then making love." female age 27
"It's bringing home a single rose or a little something to say I was thinking of you today." female age 34
"Doing things that show he values me as a life partner and not just a bed partner." female age 45
"Being a friend AND a lover!" female age 37
"For romance, I enjoy a great bubble bath together with candles and wine, lots of great smelling scents whether it's perfume, incense or just the smell of my man."
female age 36
"If he brings you flowers or jewelry and he's not there in any other way, it's not romance." female age 45
Getting the Mix Right
When it comes to long-term relationships, all the romantic gestures in the world are meaningless if you aren't trustworthy and don't help maintain the mutual nest. Cooking a special dinner or sending an unexpected card won't get you far if you didn't do any of the chores that your partner was counting on you to do.
For romance to work in a long-term relationship, it needs to be based on a foundation of reliability and trustworthiness. Then, the kind and thoughtful gestures have a footing on which to stand. They help take your relationship beyond the functional and into the sublime.
On the other hand, when you hear people who have been together for a long time say that the sparkle is gone in their relationship, they have sometimes worked so hard on being reliable that they forgot about the little gestures that help make a relationship fun.
Dear Paul,
My husband of fifteen years is the most trustworthy and hard-working man on the face of the earth. He's a great father to our kids and I love him dearly, but the romance in our relationship is gone. I can't remember the last time I received flowers from him that weren't for Mother's Day. The big trouble is, I've been noticing the pool man a lot more than I should. He compliments me on what I am wearing, asks me about the projects I am working on, and makes me laugh. By the time he leaves every Wednesday, I find myself wetter than the pool deck! It's not that he's some sort of physical ten or that we've had sexual contact, it's just his wonderful attitude and the way he takes the time to notice me. How do I get my husband to do the same?
Waiting In The Sun
Dear Waiting,
I'll be hand-delivering this reply next Wednesday afternoon, right after Mr. Chlorine pulls out of your driveway... Here are some things to consider: It's quite possible that in your husband's mind, his way of being romantic is by working his rear off for you and the kids. Worse things have happened. Be sure that at least a couple of times a week you tell him how much you appreciate how hard he works. Do this from now until the end of time. Next, think back over the past fifteen years and come up with a couple of things that both you and he have enjoyed doing together--without the kids. Hopefully, it will have nothing to do with his work or yours. Maybe it's river rafting, maybe it's shopping for antiques or going to a carnival. Whatever it is, plan it for just you and him. Don't expect much from the first five or ten excursions; rusty wheels take a long time to loosen. At the end of each of your special outings, give him the best blow job he's ever had. It might help to pretend you are doing the pool guy. When you're done, tell him something like "When you work so hard for us, it makes me love you deeply. And when you spend time with me like you did today, it makes me want you to fuck me. I'd really love to do this again next week." Come up with your own variation of this theme, but do something that will help thaw the glacier that your relationship has become. Of course, if you and he are locked into some kind of unconscious struggle where you are acting out stuff from your respective childhoods, best to get marital or individual counseling. Some of you might say that in this example, sex is being used to get romance. Perhaps, but what better reinforcement for reconnecting emotionally.
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