Be Happy Without Being Perfect How to Worry Less and Enjoy Life More

by Domar, Alice D.; Kelly, Alice Lesch

• ISBN13: 9780307354884
• ISBN10: 0307354881
• Edition: Reprint
• Format: Paperback
• Copyright: 2009-03-24
• Publisher: Harmony

Summary

Do you have trouble going to bed at night when there's a mess in the kitchen? Do you think you would be happier if only you could lose weight, be a better parent, work smarter, reduce stress, exercise more, and make better decisions? You're not perfect. But guess what? You don't have to be. All of us struggle with high expectations from time to time. But for many women, the worries can become debilitatingand often, we don't even know we're letting unrealistic expectations color our thinking. The good news is, we have the power to break free from the perfectionist trapand internationally renowned health psychologist, Dr. Alice Domar can show you how. Be Happy Without Being Perfectoffers a way out of the self-imposed handcuffs that this thinking brings, providing concrete solutions, practical advice, and action plans that teach you how to: Assess your tendency toward perfectionism in all areas of your life Set realistic goals Alleviate the guilt and shame that perfectionism can trigger Manage your anxiety with clinically proven self-care strategies Get rid of the unrealistic and damaging expectations that are hurting youfor good! Filled with the personal insights of more than fifty women,Be Happy Without Being Perfectis your key to a happier, calmer, and more enjoyable life. From the Hardcover edition.

Author Biography

ALICE D. DOMAR, Ph.D., is executive director of the Domar Center for Mind/Body Health in Boston; director of mind/body services at Boston IVF; assistant professor of obstetrics, gynecology, and reproductive biology at Harvard Medical School; and senior psychologist at Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center. She serves on the board of experts for LLuminari, a women’s health education company, and on the editorial advisory board for Parents and Health. She is the author of the national bestseller Self-Nurture, as well as Healing Mind, Healthy Woman and Conquering Infertility. Dr. Domar lives in the Boston area with her husband and two daughters.

ALICE LESCH KELLY is a freelance writer specializing in health and psychology. Her work has appeared in many publications, including the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times, Shape, Health, Reader’s Digest, Fit Pregnancy, and Woman’s Day.


From the Hardcover edition.

Excerpts

CHAPTER 1

In a Perfect World

I'm sure some people would look at me and never guess that I am a perfectionist. I don't keep a perfect house, I'm overweight, and my career path is bumpy, to say the least. I am always looking for another job, something more challenging and better paying, something that is more rewarding. I have had a rough time getting to a place where I could perform my best and enjoy what I do.

I think my attitude stems from the perfectionist ideal I was raised with. My mother was very concerned with outside appearances--house, clothes--while Dad focused on his accomplishments. I take after him in that respect. When I was in school, it was imperative that I receive straight A's. If I got an A-minus or, heaven forbid, a B, I would be very upset with myself. In graduate school, I got sick and was hospitalized shortly before midterms. I felt awful and didn't do well on one of my tests. I got a B for my final grade. It was the only B that I received, but I still think about it.

I have always been overweight. Even though I try to talk myself into not worrying about what society thinks, I am still always thinking about it, trying to diet, and feeling disappointed that I can never get the weight off. My mom has always been a pain about my being overweight. She has always been thin, and I take after my dad, who is also heavy. It bugs me less as I get older, but like most children, I want my parents to be proud of me and feel that they did a good job raising me. Now, at age forty-seven, it has become a health issue, which causes even more stress.

I suffered from postpartum depression when I gave birth to my third child--I was completely overwhelmed when she was born. We were moving to another state. My husband went ahead without me, and I had to take care of my two older children and sell the house. It was an extremely stressful time, and I was not happy about being pregnant because I had planned to go back to school after we moved. My husband loved his new job and was not home much. I was lonely and unhappy. I slept only a few hours a night. The PPD came upon me a few days after giving birth. It felt like the world was ending. After some rest and some meds, I was OK, but it took me a long time, about six months, to feel like myself. I hope I never go through something like that again.

When it comes to making decisions, I am the regret queen. I still think about mistakes I made when I was nineteen, and I wish I could do things over again. This is a problem I have dealt with for years and have had many long, expensive talks with my therapist about. My number-one decision that I regret is getting married when I did. I grew up in a very religious family and when I got pregnant, my mother and father felt the best thing for me was to get married. I am still married to the same man, but maybe my life would be different--better?--if I had married someone else, or if I had married him at a more convenient time.

I like to feel like I'm in control of things. That's why I don't drink much alcohol, because I don't like being at all out of control. I hate to drive with anyone else, too. I feel that I am the best driver, although I suppose that has to do more with control issues than with driving.

Hoping everything will be perfect is an insane way to live. There is nothing perfect in this world, and continually trying to attain perfection leads to so many problems. I never quite feel that everything is OK, and I think that stems from my unreal perception of how the world should be.

--Cynthia

A hundred years ago, a woman's job was clear: Have children, keep them alive, get meals on the table, and take care of the house. If your house was clean and your kids were fed, people thought you were doing a good job. Now, in addition to those responsibilities, today's women have numerous others. Many work outside the home. We worry about our jobs, the quality of our relation

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Excerpted from Be Happy Without Being Perfect: How to Worry Less and Enjoy Life More by Alice D. Domar, Alice Lesch Kelly
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