Healing Conversations: What to Say When You Don't Know What to Say

by Nance Guilmartin (Ipswich, Massachusetts)

• ISBN13: 9780787983369
• ISBN10: 0787983365
• Format: Paperback
• Copyright: 2006-02-01
• Publisher: Jossey-Bass

Summary

We're often faced with uncomfortable situations where we're at a loss for words. A friend calls to tell you she's lost her job. A colleague's test results confirm it: he has cancer. The neighbors-who are like family-are moving. Your best friend's mother has Alzheimer's. Your spouse's father suddenly dies; she didn't get to say goodbye. Can you help? Should you help? What would be useful? What kinds of boundaries do we respect or lower? How do we pause to listen between the lines of silence to comfort someone who is afraid or in pain? Can we ask for what would comfort us when we are the one having a rough time? And are we able to receive it with grace? Healing Conversations enables us to provide or ask for a new level of support when facing life's inevitable challenges, transitions, and losses-at work, at home, and in our community. It is a practical guide to help you step into someone else's shoes so that you can offer, ask for, or receive comfort. Reflections at the end of each chapter help you think more deeply about how to incorporate the principles of healing conversations and intentional kindness into your life.

Author Biography

<i>Nance Guilmartin</i>is a four-time regional Emmy award-winning broadcast journalist, business advisor, and community service advocate. As a Westinghouse Broadcasting senior executive, she helped launch national awareness initiatives, including the Designated Driver Program and the For Kids' Sake and Time To Care campaigns. Prior to her television career, she served as press secretary to the late U.S. Senator Paul Tsongas. Her listening skills developed as a young news writer at CBS radio in Boston. Today she challenges organizations and executives to achieve breakthroughs and unlock hidden opportunities.

Table of Contents

AN INVITATION TO HEALING CONVERSATIONS	XV
GETTING STARTED	XIX
Supporting others without fixing, rescuing, or judging
1 WHEN YOU NEED A FRIEND	2	(54)
Please, Don't Ask Me How I Am, Unless...
Beginning a healing conversation	4	(4)
Using the Rule of Six
Asking for help	8	(5)
Just Listen
After a sudden loss	13	(3)
Rediscovering Empathy
What comforts you may not comfort someone else	16	(4)
It'll Be OK, Sugarplum
Being a light at the end of the tunnel	20	(2)
Mommy, Will He Be OK?
Helping children face their fears and yours	22	(5)
Asking One Friend to Help Another
When you don't have the answers	27	(5)
Unexpected Gifts
Accepting help from a stranger	32	(3)
Before and After the Move
Emotional attics and new road maps	35	(5)
It's Not What You Think
The hidden hurts of bankruptcy	40	(5)
Who Am I If I'm Not Who I Was?
After a life-changing event	45	(4)
It's Over
A relationship ends	49	(4)
REFLECTION: TUNING OUT OF YOUR HEAD, TUNING IN TO YOUR HEART	53	(3)
2 HEALTH MATTERS	56	(64)
Test Results
Getting the news or waiting to hear	58	(5)
Peaceful Warrior
When you want to help deal with a diagnosis	63	(5)
Facing Surgery
Before, during, and after	68	(4)
Just How Do You Ask for Help?
Making your own wish list	72	(3)
Paciencia
Recovering from depression	75	(5)
Is the Doctor In?
Making the most of your time as a patient or as a doctor	80	(4)
What's the Difference Between a Cure and Healing?
Living with chronic pain	84	(5)
What About Me?
Supporting the caregiver	89	(3)
Second Sight
When a disability becomes an ability	92	(4)
When the Bough Breaks
When you can't see their pain	96	(4)
The Bear
Close calls	100	(5)
After the Accident
Fears remain	105	(4)
A Cry for Help
Responding to attempted suicide	109	(6)
REFLECTION: HOW TO BE WITH SOMEONE WHO'S IN PAIN	115	(5)
3 HEALING CONVERSATIONS AT WORK	120	(54)
You People Are Incompetent!
Turning angry customers into loyal fans	122	(5)
When Staff Don't Get Along
The power of listening	127	(4)
Trading Places
Helping a colleague pause before jumping to conclusions	131	(4)
You Must Be Kidding!
Giving and getting difficult feedback	135	(6)
Plant Closings and Pink Slips
Taking away their jobs but not their dignity	141	(4)
Trapezes
Being laid off, fired, or acquired	145	(4)
Bad News at the Office
Crossing invisible boundaries	149	(4)
Celebrating Life
Asking a coworker for help with a family dilemma	153	(3)
I Just Wanted to Let You Know I Cared
Consoling an employee	156	(4)
Honoring Paul Tsongas
Coping with death in the workplace family	160	(3)
Notes to Keep a Memory Alive
A letter to the children	163	(4)
REFLECTION: MAYBE IT IS MY JOB-INTENTIONAL KINDNESS	167	(7)
4 TRANSITIONS: HEART, MIND, BODY, AND SOUL	174	(56)
We're Getting Divorced
Appreciating what you may not understand	176	(5)
Be a Friend, Not a Hero
Helping someone deal with verbal abuse	181	(8)
I Don't Want to Be a Burden
Supporting the widowed spouse	189	(4)
Splinters, Mice, and Little Things
Learning to live alone	193	(3)
Broken Hearts and Burnt Offerings
When a gift offers a reservoir of care	196	(3)
What Is Enough?
Retirement as a way of life	199	(4)
What Happens When You Show Up for Class?
Lessons from an elder	203	(4)
I Know Her Name
Living with Alzheimer's	207	(5)
The Long Goodbye
When death takes its time	212	(5)
He Knows He's About to Die
Visiting a friend in a hospice	217	(5)
Anniversaries of Loss
Special dates to remember	222	(5)
REFLECTION: BEING WITH THEIR SILENCE-AND YOURS	227	(3)
5 LOST LOVES	230	(60)
Leo the Cat
Putting a four-footed angel" to sleep	232	(4)
When You Don't Get the Chance to Say Goodbye
Unfinished feelings	236	(4)
It's a Blessing, Really
When death brings relief	240	(2)
Take a Friend to Lunch
Writing the obituary	242	(3)
Oh, Damn! Did Anybody Bring a Knife?
Scattering ashes	245	(5)
Best-Laid Plans
When last wishes clash with the needs of the living	250	(4)
When Mom Leaves
A gift of poetry	254	(2)
After the Funeral
Appreciating behind-the-scenes responsibilities	256	(4)
When a Young Child Dies
A parent's bewilderment lingers	260	(6)
Frail Submarines
When someone chooses suicide	266	(5)
When Tragedy Inspires Action
Responding to a sudden death	271	(4)
Grief Unburied
Sorrow returns in waves	275	(4)
Perhaps Is this heaven on earth?	279	(6)
REFLECTION: SOMETIMES THERE ARE NO WORDS	285	(5)
IN THE END	290	(13)
Healing Takes Time	292	(5)
Appreciations	297	(6)
Resources	303	(12)
The Author	315	(2)
Index	317