Help My Kids Are Hurting : A Survival Guide to Working with Students in Pain

by Marv Penner

• ISBN13: 9780310267089
• ISBN10: 0310267080
• Format: Paperback
• Copyright: 2005-12-02
• Publisher: Zondervan

Summary

A Survival Guide to Working with Students in PainThis book provides a wide range of appropriate interventions and fundamental people-helping skills, as well as critical help for youth workers to recognize their limitations and learn the principles of effective referral. This practical and informative book is essential for any untrained youth worker, and will be a vital tool for any youth pastor to share with their staff.

Table of Contents

Preface	6	(2)
Introduction	8	(3)
Section One: Understanding the World of Hurting Kids	11	(10)
Five Things You Can Count On	12	(3)
Eight Unique Challenges of Working with Kids in Pain	15	(6)
Section Two: Becoming a Person Who Can Help Hurting Kids	21	(22)
What Do Hurting Kids Want from Us?	22	(2)
What about Boundaries?	24	(5)
What's Your Style---Hugger, Teacher, Preacher, or Surgeon?	29	(10)
Sorting Through Your Own Baggage	39	(4)
Section Three: The Nuts and Bolts of Helping Hurting Kids	43	(40)
It's All about L.O.V.E.	44	(3)
``L'' Is for Listen	47	(7)
``O'' Is for Offer	54	(8)
``V'' Is for Validate	62	(7)
``E'' Is for Eliminate, Empower, and Expect	69	(7)
Mistakes That Can Destroy Your Ministry with Hurting Kids	76	(7)
Section Four: When You're Out of Your Depth: Rules for Referral	83	(16)
Why You Should Refer a Hurting Student	85	(4)
When You Should Refer a Hurting Student	89	(8)
How You Should Refer a Hurting Student	97	(2)
Section Five: Tackling the Tough Stuff---10 Topics You Need to Understand	99	(43)
Eating Disorders	100	(4)
Adolescent Suicide	104	(5)
Rape, Acquaintance Rape, and Sexual Assault	109	(4)
Adolescent Pregnancy	113	(4)
Substance Abuse	117	(5)
Grief and Loss	122	(5)
Self-Injury	127	(3)
Family Breakdown	130	(4)
Pornography and Sexual Addictions	134	(4)
Adolescent Depression	138	(4)
Final Thoughts	142

Excerpts

Help! My Kids Are Hurting: A Survival Guide to Working with Students in Pain
Copyright ©2005 by Marv Penner
Youth Specialties products, 300 South Pierce Street, El Cajon, CA 92020 are published by
Zondervan, 5300 Patterson Avenue Southeast, Grand Rapids, MI 49530.
ISBN-10: 0-310-26708-0
ISBN-13: 0-310-26708-9
Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture quotations are taken from the Holy Bible:
New International Version (North American Edition), copyright ©1973, 1978, 1984 by
International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan Publishing House.
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval
system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—electronic, mechanical, photocopy,
recording, or any other—(except for brief quotations in printed reviews) without the prior
permission of the publisher.
Web site addresses listed in this book were current at the time of publication. Please contact
Youth Specialties via e-mail ([e-mail]) to report URLs that are no longer
operational and replacement URLs if available.
Creative team: Dave Urbanski, Kristi Robison, Laura Gross, and Heather Haggerty
Cover design by : Holly Sharp
Interior design by: Mark Novelli, IMAGO MEDIA
Printed in the United States
05 06 07 08 09 10 • 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
chapter one
1. Kids today are hurting more deeply than they—or we—
are willing to admit.
Lots of hurting teenagers have learned to cautiously hide
what’s really going on inside. They’ve fi gured out that opening
up to someone—especially an adult—could set them up
for more hurt than they’re willing to risk. When a kid tries
to share his story with someone and is ignored or judged or
exposed or given quick advice, for a while he may not make
himself that vulnerable again.
When we look at most teenagers, their lives seem so put
together. The brand-name wardrobe, cool accessories, and
apparently carefree attitudes fool us into thinking everything
is fi ne. But too often, beneath that carefully crafted exterior
beats the frightened heart of a little girl or boy who has no
one to trust. It’s easier for kids to deny what they’re feeling
and pretend everything is just fi ne, rather than risk possible
rejection by opening up.
Let’s think about something even more important: Many
of us who work with teenagers fi nd ourselves denying the
reality of what’s going on with the kids in our care. We pretend
everything is okay even when we know the truth. Why
the denial? Probably because most of us don’t feel equipped
to deal with their issues. And besides, getting tangled up
in a kid’s mess would take more time and energy than we
have to give. So we simply carry on the game. As long as
nobody’s talking about heavy stuff, we don’t have to deal
with heavy stuff. We try to keep our relationships with our
students lighthearted and superfi cial for fear that if we open
the door to deeper issues, we’ll have to deal with them.
FIVE THINGS YOU CAN COUNT ON
Many of us haven’t even sorted out our own stuff yet, so at
all costs we avoid getting involved in someone else’s pain.
Maybe this explains why some sociologists have described
today’s teenagers as “the abandoned generation.” They don’t
tell; we don’t ask—that way nobody has to worry about what’s
really going on.
2. The deepest hurt most kids feel is relational.
Neither the chaos of adolescent transitions nor the bizarre
circumstances in which kids often fi nd themselves are what
wounds kids the most. No, the deepest wounds happen
when the people they count on fail to honor that extended
trust. When a person who is supposed to provide safety and
support walks away and leaves kids on their own, they feel
most deeply hurt. We are talking about abandonment—relational,
emotional, and at times even physical abandonment.
This generation has been left to care for itself. Unfortunately,
the deepest betrayal of trust kids experience is often family
based. And even more upsetting, in too many cases a
kid loses his relationship with his dad. Kids need people in
their lives whom they can count on—no matter what. In the
absence of trustworthy people, they’re often left to do whatever
they must in order to survive. That can lead to all kinds
of destructive and dangerous choices.
3. Kids will decide whom they’ll trust with their deepest pain.
Most teenagers have little or no access to nonparental adults,
particularly ones who know them well enough to help teenagers
navigate the realities of their complicated adolescent
world. Formal systems to deal with kids at risk have been
established in many communities. Guidance counselors
in schools, child protection offi cers and social workers,
walk-in medical clinics, toll-free crisis lines, after-school
programs, and counseling centers invite hurting kids to
tell their stories. But when an adolescent really hurts, he
longs for a relationship with someone who cares about him
on a personal level—someone who knows his name and is
available outside of offi ce hours. Kids share their lives with
people who’ve taken the time to prove their trustworthiness.
They don’t care about the education, certifi cation, or
experience of the people they choose to trust. They just need
to know those people care.
4. The church has a long way to go.
The idea of true community deeply appeals to teenagers.
After all, they’re in the process of disconnecting from their
families and developing social identities of their own. If our
churches functioned the way they were originally intended
to, they could provide places of shelter and safety for hurting
teenagers. The community of faith has at its disposal unique
resources intended to bring hope and help to hurting people
of all ages. Unfortunately, for the most part those resources
remain unacknowledged and untapped. Many churches have
lost their ability to provide a welcome for hurting people—
especially adolescents, who often represent an even greater
challenge because of the generational misunderstanding that
plagues them. The fact that you’re reading this book tells me
you want to provide hurting kids with a way to experience
love, acceptance, and hope. When our churches become the
communities they’re meant to be, we’ll see hurting people of
all ages fi nding help.
5. The stakes are high.
At the risk of setting off alarm bells, we need to face a sad
and frightening reality: The number of adults that kids are
willing to trust may be quite small. It takes time to build the
kinds of relationships that encourage them to open up. Not
many adults are willing to make this kind of investment. If
a teenager has trusted you enough to tell you her story, she
has given you a sacred gift. You may be the only adult in
a position to help her make wise choices. I don’t want to be
melodramatic about this, but if we choose to ignore a student
who trusts us enough to tell us her story, she may have no
choice but to bury

---

Excerpted from Help My Kids Are Hurting: A Survival Guide to Working with Students in Pain by Marv Penner
All rights reserved by the original copyright owners. Excerpts are provided for display purposes only and may not be reproduced, reprinted or distributed without the written permission of the publisher.