The His and Hers Guide to Surviving Your First Year of Marriage

by Hubbert, David; Hubbert, Wendy

• ISBN13: 9780440508113
• ISBN10: 0440508118
• Format: Paperback
• Copyright: 1998-02-01
• Publisher: Dell Pub Co

Summary

Two people in love. Two approaches to life. One fabulous year. The first year of marriage is the make-it-or-break-it year. Your wedding may be just a memory--but the fight you had this morning is the here and now. Even though you've promised to be together forever, the truth is your minds may be worlds apart. This extraordinary guide teaches you how to think like a couple, and turn your first year of marriage into one of the best years of your lives. It offers insight into the thoughts of the opposite sex, tells you how to achieve a meeting of the minds, and warns you when you should agree to disagree. It tackles the big issues such as money and in-laws, as well as the little day-to-day things that can drive you crazy. With real-life scenarios that are often hilarious, and advice that is both witty and wise, this friend-to-friend guide provides down-to-earth, practical answers to questions like: How do you deal with your folks when you visit on the holidays? Should you have a joint bank account or keep your money separate? How can you get him to go to the mall? How do you get her to go to the game? Can you find a way to overcome differences in political and religious beliefs? How do you handle each other's best friends (the one who knows everything about your last fight)?

Author Biography

David and Wendy Hubbert, proud survivors of their first year of marriage, live in New York City.

Excerpts

In the months before our wedding, our married relatives and friends offered a lot of free advice. Even though we had dated for nearly eight years, everybody, including our minister, insisted our lives would change once we actually tied the knot. "It happens to everyone." "It's just different, you'll see." "The first year's the toughest," they told us. But no one could explain why.

Now we know, because we learned the only possible way a couple can. We experienced our first year of marriage, and we survived.

Being married feels undeniably different from being single or even engaged. Part of it is the contrast between wanting to spend the rest of your life with someone and having a contract that legally commits you to doing just that. But mostly it's the little things, the subtleties of sharing the same space, the same money, the same life. Suddenly you're thinking for two, whether you're considering a job offer across the country or planning to roll over in bed. Since most people spend their first twenty or so years desperately trying to be independent, the feelings of trust and reliance that are essential for any successful marriage may take some getting used to. And many of these feelings come to the fore the minute the afterglow of your wedding day dies down. The first year really is the toughest.

The numbers seem to back this up. Today, almost half of all marriages fail in the United States--about 1.2 million each year--and of those, nearly one-third last less than four years. That life expectancy would probably be even shorter, except for the fact that many states have laws that prohibit divorce within the first year of marriage.

Our role models certainly aren't helping matters. Of all Americans born after 1960, 50 percent grew up with divorced parents. We've reached a point of such cynicism toward marriage that we're actually surprised when Hollywood couples and rock star/model weddings last the week! As Katharine Hepburn put it, "Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then."

Not only do marital problems reflect society's ills, they can literally make you sick. Recent medical studies show a clear relationship between marital stress and illness--especially in women. In one study, newlywed couples who had a "highly negative" arguing style (sarcasm and insults flying) showed a decline in immune system function after arguments--leaving them more vulnerable to illnesses like colds and the flu. Sickness. Fights. Disappointment. Divorce. These are just a few of the evils that await those who enter marriage unprepared.

Okay. Now that we've scared you to death, here's the good news. Not only can you make it through your first year of marriage, we guarantee you can make it one of the best years of your life. All you need is a strong desire for it to work, a bit of guidance, and a resilient sense of humor. By reading this book, you're already taking the first step. In it you'll find stories and advice gathered from successful married couples, renowned experts, and our own personal experience. You'll read about the female shopping instinct, the male inability to see dirt, and dreaded in-law visitations before you actually witness these horrors in the field.

Because every marriage is made up of two unique individuals, you'll see every issue from two very separate and biased points of view: male and female. This format isn't meant to start arguments between you and your spouse; nor are we trying to provide you with ammunition to use against each other. On the contrary, our intention is to show you how a husband and wife can think completely differently about an issue and still work through it as a team.

Most women's magazines contain a section that tries to explain how men think. Men's magazines aren't much different in reverse, although the debate there seems to rage over whether women are capable of rational thought at all. But instead of throwing gasoline on the fire and taking an Us Against Them approach, we've tried to give you insight into both worlds, to show you how to think as a couple. So no matter whether you're the bride or the groom, we encourage you both to read on, and to read both sides of every issue. Then talk about it. Nine times out of ten, you'll find that calmly discussing the topics in this book before they come up will prevent them from ever becoming real problems.

Even if problems occur, though, there's still hope. Many newlyweds discover after a few months of living together that they have fundamental disagreements about some very important issues. But while you and your spouse may never see eye to eye on abortion rights or politics or the color of your mother's drapes, you can discuss these things without throwing frying pans at each other or kicking the cat. Of course, it's not always easy to act reasonably when you feel your partner is being unreasonable. But we are working from the point of view that you are partners, and that you're both committed to seeing your partnership succeed. In the end, that's the most important thing, the lifelong goal about which you both should be in total agreement: the success of your marriage.

Two quick notes before you read on. First, we are assuming that you are past your wedding itself and are currently embroiled in the first year of marriage. But if you're still engaged or are even just considering marriage, you'll also get a lot out of this book. Think of it as essential preparation for the year to come. Second, we make a lot of jokes, sometimes about very serious issues. It's not that we're trying to make light of problems; we simply believe that a strong sense of humor is a very powerful tool for overcoming conflict. If you can both develop the ability to laugh at yourselves, even in the darkest of times, then you have what it takes to make a committed relationship survive.

Best of luck to you and your marriage. May all your years together be as memorable as the first.



  

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Excerpted from The His and Hers Guide to Surviving by David Hubbert, Wendy Hubbert
All rights reserved by the original copyright owners. Excerpts are provided for display purposes only and may not be reproduced, reprinted or distributed without the written permission of the publisher.