How to Be an Adult in Relationships The Five Keys to Mindful Loving

by RICHO, DAVID

• ISBN13: 9781570628122
• ISBN10: 1570628122
• Edition: 1st
• Format: Paperback
• Copyright: 2002-06-18
• Publisher: Shambhala

Summary

"Most people think of love as a feeling," says David Richo, "but love is not so much a feeling as a way of being present." In this book, Richo offers a fresh perspective on love and relationships-one that focuses not on finding an ideal mate, but on becoming a more loving and realistic person. Drawing on the Buddhist concept of mindfulness,How to Be an Adult in Relationshipsexplores five hallmarks of mindful loving and how they play a key role in our relationships throughout life:Attentionto the present moment; observing, listening, and noticing all the feelings at play in our relationships.Acceptanceof ourselves and others just as we are.Appreciationof all our gifts, our limits, our longings, and our poignant human predicament.Affectionshown through holding and touching in respectful ways.Allowinglife and love to be just as they are, with all their ecstasy and ache, without trying to take control. When deeply understood and applied, these five simple concepts-what Richo calls the five A's-form the basis of mature love. They help us to move away from judgment, fear, and blame to a position of openness, compassion, and realism about life and relationships. By giving and receiving these five A's, relationships become deeper and more meaningful, and they become a ground for personal transformation.

Author Biography

David Richo, Ph.D., is a psychotherapist, teacher, and writer who draws on Jungian, Buddhist, and poetic perspectives in his work. He leads popular workshops at the Esalen Institute, the University of California at Berkeley, the University of California at Santa Barbara, and Santa Barbara City College. He is the author of How to Be an Adult , How to Be an Adult in Relationships , and Shadow Dance: Liberating the Power and Creativity of Your Dark Side . He lives in Santa Barbara and San Francisco, California.

Table of Contents

Foreword	xi
Acknowledgments	xiii
Introduction	1	(6)
PART ONE: The Home We Leave	7	(72)
How it all Began	9	(43)
The Power of Mindfulness	13	(5)
A Positive Spin on How It Was and Is	18	(8)
The Five A's: The Keys that Open Us	26	(14)
Unconditional Presence versus the Five Mindsets of Ego	40	(12)
Practices: Our Skillful Means	42	(10)
Love and Less	52	(27)
Mirroring Love	52	(4)
When We Deny We Were Deprived	56	(2)
What Hurts Us Comforts Us	58	(3)
How Good for Me Was My Family?	61	(3)
Light on the Hurt	64	(5)
A Heroic Journey	69	(10)
Practices	70	(9)
PART TWO: Struggles Along the Way	79	(136)
Choosing a Partner	81	(25)
Am I Cut Out for Relationship?	82	(3)
Qualified Candidates	85	(1)
What Are We Up To?	86	(3)
Full Disclosure	89	(4)
Sexualizing Our Needs	93	(4)
Such Longings	97	(2)
Destiny Plays a Part	99	(7)
Practices	101	(5)
Romance: The First Phase of Relationship	106	(17)
Rising in Love	108	(4)
When Romance Is Addictive	112	(4)
What Love Feels Like	116	(7)
Practices	118	(5)
Conflicts	123	(30)
Working Things Out	128	(5)
The Past in the Present	133	(3)
Men and Women	136	(2)
Introvert or Extrovert?	138	(15)
Practices	141	(12)
Fears Rush In---and Dangers	153	(21)
Engulfment and Abandonment	153	(2)
Learning from Our Fears	155	(1)
Jealousy	156	(2)
Infidelity	158	(3)
Dealing with Disappointment	161	(13)
Practices	165	(9)
Letting Go of Ego	174	(25)
Anatomy of the Arrogant Ego	177	(4)
Anatomy of the Impoverished Ego	181	(2)
The Riches of Ego and How to Find Them	183	(1)
A Yes to the Things We Cannot Change	184	(15)
Practices	187	(12)
When Relationships End	199	(16)
Ending with Grace and Moving On	201	(7)
When Somebody Leaves You	208	(7)
PART THREE: Returning the Blessing	215	(28)
Our Commitment and How It Deepens	217	(26)
The Virtues of Intimate Love	220	(6)
Commitment	226	(2)
Soul Mates	228	(15)
Practices	231	(12)
Epilogue	243	(3)
Appendix: The Steps and Shifts of Mindful Grief	246