How Can I Get Through to You?: The Tried-And-True Method for Achieving Breakthrough Communication in Personal Relationships

by Foster, Glenn; Marshall, Mary

• ISBN13: 9781567314526
• ISBN10: 156731452X
• Edition: Reprint
• Format: Hardcover
• Copyright: 2001-04-01
• Publisher: Fine Communications

Summary

Does your husband always seem to miss the point of what you're saying? Do you feel that your wife never listens when you're trying to say something important? Does your boyfriend have irritating habits that he refuses to change, despite the fact that you constantly ask him to? Do the two of you have the same old arguments over and over again? How Can I Get Through to You? offers a practical and effective method to help eliminate the problems that can trouble any relationship. In How Can I Get Through to You? professional communication expert D. Glenn Foster and Mary Marshall reveal an important breakthrough method for improving communication in relationships. This system was developed out of Foster's overwhelmingly successful interview technique, which is professionally regarded as one of the best methods of communicating, interacting with people, and getting them to reveal their essential nature. Through a system of 3R's - Read, Respond, and Reciprocate - Foster and Marshall teach us how to determine if a person is a Feeler, a Driver, an Analyzer, or an Elitist - the four pure personality styles that emerge clearly in stressful situations. Foster and Marshall teach us how to use these four styles to get to the heart of a person's being so that we can reach intense rapport. How Can I Get Through to You? will teach you how to identify your type and the type of the person you love, and will pinpoint the areas of stress that the two types cause together. You will learn how to read what people really mean by understanding the signals everyone gives off that reveal his or her true purpose, how the truth leaks out despite our attempts to cover it up, how specific moods affect each personalitytype and how to deal with them, how the "triggers" to our personality types determine how we act, and how to satisfy another person's deepest desires so that you can come to a mutual understanding. The essence of How Can I Get Through to You? is understanding not the way people are, but secretly, what they are - even if they are not aware of it themselves. It teaches us how to understand, celebrate, and use the differences between ourselves and those close to us to sustain and deepen mutually nurturing relationships.

Table of Contents

Preface	xvii
Glenn Foster
Introduction	3	(14)
Mary Marshall
PART ONE: ``Read''
The Four Personality Types: Feeler, Driver, Analyzer, Elitist	17	(12)
``Why Can't You Be More Like Me?'': The Fundamental Cause of Our Differences	17	(2)
``Who Are You, Really?'': Recognizing and Identifying the Four Types	19	(7)
The Ten-Minute Look-Profiling Technique: Identifying Anyone's Personality Type at First Meeting	26	(1)
Look Profiling: Chart I	27	(2)
How to Read the Personality Types of the People You Care For	29	(11)
``Why Don't I Believe You Really Care for Me?'': Different Types of Loving	29	(4)
No-Holds-Barred Arguments: The Emergence of the Core Personality Type	33	(1)
Look Profiling the Personality Types of the People You Love	34	(1)
Look Profiling: Chart II	35	(5)
How to Read Your Own Personality Type	40	(22)
``I Know Exactly Who I Am---Or Do I?'': The Problems of Seeing Ourselves Clearly	40	(1)
``But I Did It Because ...'': How We All Justify Our Own Behavior	41	(2)
Personality Is in the Eye of the Beholder: Why We Can't Just Guess Our Own Type	43	(1)
``I Thought You Liked the Way I Am'': The Way Others Really See Us	44	(1)
``Is That What You Really Think of Me?'': How to See Ourselves Through Others' Eyes	45	(1)
How to Know If You Are a Feeler, a Driver, an Analyzer, or an Elitist: Four Self-Identification Charts	46	(14)
Misreading the Meaning of Behavior	60	(2)
How to Read What People Really Mean	62	(15)
The Signals That Convey Our True Meaning	62	(1)
Putting Up a Good Front: Adopting Roles and Playing Parts	63	(2)
Subconscious Leakage: Why We Can't Suppress Who We Are	65	(1)
``I Hope You Didn't Notice That'': The Subconscious ``Fumble''	65	(1)
``Believe Me, I'm Telling the Truth'': How the Truth Leaks Out	66	(2)
Body Language Signals: How the Subconscious Leaks Out into What We Do and the Way We Do It	68	(2)
Verbal Signals: How the Subconscious Leaks Out into What We Say and the Way We Say It	70	(2)
Everyday Lie Detecting: Clusters of Verbal and Physical Signals	72	(5)
PART TWO: ``Read and Respond''
Acceptance and Rejection	77	(18)
``Why Do We Always Have the Same Argument Over and Over?'': The Nature of Conflict	77	(1)
Driving Each Other Crazy: Mutual Rejection	78	(1)
When We Just Won't Give In: Intensification of Rejection	79	(1)
Tactical Self-Protection and Manipulation: The Four Moods of Rejection	80	(3)
``If You'd Just See Things My Way ...'': Efforts at ``Mood Bonding''	83	(1)
The Specific Meaning Hidden in Our Words: Our Theme	84	(1)
``Listen to What I'm Trying to Tell You'': Using Moods to Get Our Theme Across	85	(2)
``Hey, I'm Important Too!'': The Moods at Work	87	(3)
Turning Back the Tide: Responding to These Moods	90	(1)
Ritualistic Patterns of Conflict: Breaking the Cycle	91	(4)
How to Read Mood Language	95	(17)
``I'm Trying to Tell You What I Want'': The Message of Moods	95	(1)
The What and How of Mood Language	96	(1)
What to See, Hear, and Sense: General Guidelines	97	(6)
Significant Mood Language Expressions	103	(9)
How to Respond to Moods	112	(23)
Understanding and Satisfying Another's Needs	112	(1)
The Power of Response	113	(1)
Steps to Achieve the Goal of Acceptance: How to Neutralize Your Own Moods, Read the Other Person's Mood Language, and Respond Directly to the Other Person's Moods	114	(3)
Things You Must and Must Not Do in Responding to Their Needs	117	(4)
Four Charts: Needs in the Various Moods of Rejection	121	(9)
Responding to Rapidly Changing Moods	130	(5)
How to Tune In on a Person's Mood Frequency and Lead Him or Her into Acceptance	135	(21)
Defining the Dominant Mood	135	(1)
Moderating ``Filters'': Our Socially Acceptable ``Public Faces''	136	(1)
``I've Got to Be Me'': Our Own Unique View of the World	137	(4)
Individual Triggers: What Sets Us Off	141	(1)
Four Charts: Vulnerable Self-Image	142	(8)
Speaking Another's Language: How to Tune In on Each Personality Type's Mood Frequency	150	(2)
Four Charts: How to Tune In on Mood Frequency	152	(4)
How to Keep People in Acceptance	156	(13)
Stay Tuned In on Their Mood Frequency: Speak Their Language	156	(1)
Reinforce Their Own Image of Themselves	156	(3)
``I'll Just Sit Here'': Position Yourself for Maximum Effect	159	(2)
Knowing When and If to Touch	161	(2)
Remember Who They Are and Who You Are	163	(1)
``Do You See What I Hear?'': Use Their Visual and Auditory Ways of Processing Information	163	(6)
PART THREE: ``Read, Respond, and Reciprocate''
The Steps of Reciprocation	169	(19)
``Now It's My Turn'': Getting Others to Understand You in Return	169	(1)
Different Worlds, Alien Landscapes: Trying to ``Change Places'' with Each Other	170	(5)
The Fallacy of Trying to Become Each Other: Why Marriage Counseling Often Fails	175	(3)
You + Me = Us: The Nine Steps	178	(1)
Explain the Fundamental Differences Between You and Them	179	(1)
Describe to Them How They See Their World	180	(8)
How to Get Others to Understand Who You Are	188	(18)
Reveal to Them How You See Your World, and Why and How Your View Affects Your Behavior	188	(2)
Explore Your Differences Together	190	(1)
Discover How Your Differences Complement Each Other	190	(4)
Examine How Your Differences Can Grate Against Each Other in Conflict	194	(3)
Six ``Clash'' Charts	197	(9)
How We Distort Each Other's Meaning	206	(14)
Understand How Your Meanings Become Distorted in Stress	206	(6)
``Now I Know Exactly What You Mean'': Appreciate the Importance of Tuning In on Each Other's Mood Frequency	212	(6)
Reaching Mutual Understanding	218	(2)
Differences: The Most Valuable Assets of Any Relationship	220	(7)
The 3Rs: Coming to Conclusions	220	(2)
The 3Rs: Making Things Work	222	(5)
Appendix: The Language of Moods	227