How to Get Married After 35

For women thirty-five and over who don't want to leave their chances to fate, relationship consultant Helena Rosenberg -- who got married in her forties -- offers a concrete program to help singles maximize their opportunities for marriage. How to Get Married After Thirty-Five will help women change their course and be on their way to success -- and even have fun in the process! Whether you're looking to marry for the first time or hoping to remarry, How to Get Married After Thirty-Five guides you through the process with sensitivity and humor, and shows how to: take personal responsibility for your life embrace your goals and what's in your way grasp what you need in a partner recognize him once you meet him avoid men who are destructive or unmarriageable master the world of internet dating Finally, with wisdom and encouragement, Helena Rosenberg offers practical advice on where to find eligible men (they do exist!), how to assess a man for his marriage potential, and why marrying the man of her choice after thirty-five had almost nothing to do with luck.

Foreword

xiii

Connell Cowan

Acknowledgments

xvii

Introduction

xix

Part 1: You Get What You Need When You Focus and Clarify

``It's Your Life'': Free Will and the Spirit Within

3

(20)

Focus: What Separates the Haves from the Wannabes

23

(18)

Clarity: If You Know What You're Looking For, It's Easier to Find

41

(24)

A Man Tells You All You Need to Know in the First 15 Minutes . . . but Who's Listening?

65

(18)

Part 2: Good Things Happen When You Get Out of Your Own Way

Our Own Little Pharaohs Keep Us in Bondage: Creating Your Personal Profile

83

(28)

``He's a Real Nowhere Man''

111

(22)

Eat, Drink, Work, Weep

133

(18)

The Velvet Web: Cozy Attachments That Keep Us Single

151

(22)

Part 3: Match Point: How to Win the Game

Change Equals Opportunity

173

(30)

Cyberlove, Speedylove, and the Brand That Is You

203

(16)

The Frog Prince

219

(14)

Interview Your Prospect

233

(28)

Seize the Day: In Praise of Time

261

(14)

Selected Bibliography

275

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How to Get Married After 35 Revised Edition
A User's Guide to Getting to the Altar

Chapter One

"It's Your Life":
Free Will and the
Spirit Within

"Alas, after a certain age every man isresponsible for his face."

-- Albert Camus,
The Fall

A new client, Erica, came to me recently in search of waysto improve her chances for marriage. A 46-year-old, never-marriedlegal secretary, Erica was attractive and assertiveand seemed very eager to tell me her story. All the morereason that I was taken by surprise when, after I asked herto tell me about her life, she replied that she had no life. Itturned out that much of Erica's time and energy during heradult years had been expended on her parents, a well-to-docouple whose emotional hold on their grown daughter wasexcessive. As I got to know Erica, it became clear that theresponsibility for her family situation rested as much withher as with her parents; while she complained bitterly about their controlling behaviors, she had done little to free herselffrom their clutches. Contrary to what she had told meon our initial meeting, she did have a life; she simply didnot want to take credit for it. Yet, by refusing to be accountable,Erica was sabotaging her opportunities for pleasureand contentment.

Dire circumstances can force individuals to take chargeof their lives in ways they never dreamed possible. A timidwoman discovers upon the death of her husband that shehas a knack for running her husband's business, and underher tutelage, the venture outdoes its prior sales records. Aman whose courage has never been tested marshals superhumanstrength and leads his condo neighbors to safetyduring a rampant electrical fire. Diagnosed with cancer, apassive young woman comes to know her own unexploitedcapacity to fight the good fight, and buys more time for herselfbecause of it.

But these heroic measures are responses to extremestimuli. It is less obvious how to tackle the pedestrianresponsibilities of everyday life, when the challenges are notespecially dramatic and the payoffs subtle or seeminglynonexistent. Nowhere is there a universally acceptedinstruction manual for correct living, which is why so manypeople wander reactively through life, without a plan or apoint of view, and with no felt sense of their own power.

People inquiring about my services as a relationshipcoach sometimes display this reactive nature. When they askwhat I am going to do for them, and I respond that I amgoing to help them do for themselves, these folks are perplexed.They were calling for "the answer," as though thekey to life lay somewhere "out there." What they fail to comprehendis that the key to getting one's professional or personalneeds met "out there" is first to take responsibility "in here." We all know that the answer lies within ourselves, andyet we're all hoping that something or someone will comealong to do it for us. People have been looking for someoneelse to blame since the beginning of time. Indeed, ourCreation stories, such as the story of Adam and Eve's exilefrom Eden, are really about responsibilities and the consequencesof our actions, not sin.

Even the most conscientious among us can surrenderpersonal responsibility, often without being aware of it. Anexample from my own life illustrates the point. When I firstbegan my work as a relationship coach, I was unsure of themarketplace and where I would fit into it. To test my newbusiness, I placed sample ads in local newspapers and magazines.The ad copy, which I had written in the third person,mentioned the name of the business -- How to Get MarriedAfter 35 -- and some details about it, but did not identify mepersonally. Concise and clear, yes, but a bit cold.

I thought the ads were pulling quite well, until mymother, a loyal fan and constructive critic, pointed out thatI was passing up business by not taking personal responsibilityfor my new enterprise. By omitting my name and a firstpersonappeal to prospective clients -- in a venture foundedon my own life experiences -- I was not only hiding but alsoforfeiting a chance to connect with people in a more effectiveway. Once I changed the ads, and in essence went publicwith my story, the volume of my business doubled. It wasmy first entrepreneurial lesson in the benefits of beingaccountable.

Looking back on the roads I have traveled, I am struckby the direct relationship between my acceptance of responsibilityfor my own happiness and the rewards I have reaped.As a child growing up in a small town in Arkansas, I yearnedfor the big city, and vowed at a very early age -- six or seven -- to one day end up in New York. I had never been toNew York, you understand, but from movies and picturebooks I had a vision of it as a sparkling and magical landscapein which I belonged, and some 15 years later, I madethe image come to life by moving there.

As a high school student thirsting for adventure beyondthe confines of my provincial world, I applied to be a foreignexchange student, amid the hoots and howls of theboys who were my friends and tormentors -- the odds ofactually being chosen were so grim that they could onlychortle at my folly for revealing the scope of my dreams.

They lowered their voices a few notches when the letterof acceptance arrived from the American Field Service andthe PA system in the cafeteria announced my imminentdeparture for a whole school year in France. (It was not justan adjustment for my male classmates, however, but for meas well, for while I had applied for this unique opportunity, Ihad not thought through the reality of being away from myfamily for 12 whole months!) The experience ended upbeing an incomparable opportunity from which I am stillbenefiting today ...

How to Get Married After 35 Revised Edition
A User's Guide to Getting to the Altar. Copyright © by Helena Hacker Rosenberg. Reprinted by permission of HarperCollins Publishers, Inc. All rights reserved. Available now wherever books are sold.

Excerpted from How to Get Married after 35: A User's Guide to Getting to the Altar by Helena Hacker Rosenberg
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