How to Talk So People Listen

by Hamlin, Sonya

• ISBN13: 9780060734077
• ISBN10: 0060734078
• Format: Paperback
• Copyright: 2010-03-17
• Publisher: HarperCollins Publications

Summary

At a time when it's harder than ever to get and keep people's attention, we could all use some help. Enter Sonya Hamlin, author of the now classic How to Talk So People Listen (1988), and one of the country's leading communication experts. In this revised and updated edition, Sonya Hamlin, arguably America's leading communication expert, shows us how to successfully capture people's attention so that they listen, understand, and are persuaded by your message especially in the pluggedin, fastpaced, visuallydriven atmosphere that is today's workplace.Whether making a presentation to a large audience or dealing oneonone with a client or colleague, or communicating by Email, Hamlin teaches us that one of the keys to making people listen is to think about and respond to what motivates them namely, selfinterest. She then provides tools to assess others' selfinterest and use it to get them to listen to your message. Hamlin also explains how to capitalize on the latest visual aids we have at our disposal today. We learn to determine what information needs or lends itself to visual presentation, and how to make visuals active, so that they serve as an extension of the speaker. In HOW TO TALK SO PEOPLE LISTEN, you'll also find practical information on how to understand your audience, how to encourage your listeners to trust you, and how to be yourself when you're on the podium.

Table of Contents

Hello. I'm Sonya Hamlin.	xvii
1 Enter Technology, Exit Talking	1	(20)
What's New in Communicating?	1	(1)
What You Need to Know First	2	(1)
What's New in the Twenty-first Century	2	(4)
Even Hello Has Changed	3	(1)
The Biggest Issue	4	(2)
Where Do People Skills Now Fit	5	(1)
What We Need to Know Now	6	(1)
How Communicating Has Changed	6	(4)
The Communication Revolutions	6	(3)
How It Used to Be	9	(1)
The New Techniques of Telling	10	(8)
Television	10	(2)
How Television Has Changed Us	11	(1)
What Television News Has Taught Us	12	(6)
In Defense of Television	17	(1)
Computers and the Internet	18	(1)
Major Effects on Communicating	18	(1)
Wrap-up: How Communicating Has Changed	19	(2)
Implications for Business Communication	20	(1)
What Else Can Affect Your Audience	20	(1)
2 Generation Gaps and Diversity in Today's Workplace	21	(26)
How Are Boomers, Gen Xers, and Gen Yers Different?	22	(15)
The Issues	22	(1)
Differences in Family and Life Experiences	22	(1)
Different Views of the Establishment	23	(1)
Cultural Icons Tell It	24	(2)
Basic Differences in Priorities and Attitude	26	(2)
Careers and Work	28	(5)
The Generations at Work (chart)	33	(1)
Generational Differences in Getting Information	34	(2)
Perception of Time	36	(1)
Thoughts About Information Technologies	37	(3)
What All This Means to You	40	(1)
Our Multicultural Workforce and Communicating Now	40	(7)
The Mixed-Population Phenomenon	40	(1)
Becoming Americanized	41	(1)
What Immigrants Bring: Issues and Obstacles	42	(2)
Handling All This at Work	44	(1)
Transcending Language Barriers	45	(2)
3 How to Get Anyone to Listen to Anything	47	(27)
Getting Attention Is Hard	47	(1)
The Me-First Factor	47	(1)
What Makes People Listen	48	(17)
What's in It for Me?	48	(2)
How to Find Anyone Else's Self-Interest	49	(1)
Knowing Your Audience at Work	50	(1)
Who's Telling?	50	(8)
What Appeals to Listeners and Why	54	(1)
What Doesn't Appeal and Why	55	(3)
How Do Audiences Decide About You?	58	(1)
How Do You Tell It	58	(7)
The Techniques of Telling	58	(1)
Make It Visual	59	(1)
How Making Ideas Visual Works	60	(5)
Verbal and Nonverbal Communication	65	(5)
How They Work; What They Do	65	(2)
Words vs. Body Language	67	(1)
Choosing Your Words	68	(2)
How People Feel About Learning	70	(2)
Handling Resistance and Fear of Learning	72	(1)
Summing Up	72	(2)
4 The Pre-Think Chart: Strategizing One-on-One Encounters	74	(36)
Pre-Thinking	74	(4)
A Typical Work Encounter: What Can Go Wrong and Why	75	(3)
To Strategize Any Encounter and Get What You Want	77	(1)
The Pre-Think Chart	78	(19)
The Basic Idea	78	(1)
Why a Chart?	79	(1)
The Process	79	(1)
Section One: Goals	80	(4)
Where We Get Stuck	82	(1)
How the Chart Changes Things	83	(1)
Section Two: Emotions	84	(8)
Emotions: The Other Powerful, Hidden Drivers	85	(1)
Emotions at Work	85	(1)
Hiding Our Feelings on the Job	86	(1)
Winning Strategies Can't Bypass Emotions	87	(4)
Generational Differences	91	(1)
Section Three: Expectations	92	(3)
Analyzing Expectations Prepares and Demystifies	92	(1)
Surprise: The Secret Weapon	93	(2)
Expectations: The Other Side	95	(2)
The Other Side: A Guide for the Summoned	97	(4)
Don't Be a Victim	97	(1)
Other Things You Can Do	98	(2)
Be Honest!	99	(1)
Use a Touch of Humor	99	(1)
Summary for the Summoned	100	(1)
The Completed Chart	101	(2)
Pre-Thinking Results	102	(1)
Seeing the Other Side Is Very Humanizing	102	(1)
Make Your Own Chart	103	(4)
Analyze a Past or Future Encounter of Your Own	103	(1)
User Tips for Your Pre-Think Chart	103	(4)
Completing Your Chart's Emotions Section	104	(3)
The Pre-Think Checklist	107	(3)
Make a Chart	107	(1)
Strategize from Your Chart	108	(2)
5 Close Encounters: One-on-One	110	(49)
Openers	111	(11)
Before the Meeting	111	(4)
Opening Techniques: First Moves	115	(7)
How You Greet	115	(1)
Small Talk	116	(3)
Where to Sit	119	(2)
Body Language	121	(1)
Presenting the Substance	122	(8)
How to Begin	122	(1)
Motivate Your Listener!	123	(1)
Ask Before You Tell	124	(4)
Telling and Explaining	125	(1)
Be Clear and Organized	125	(1)
Make Your Ideas Visual	126	(2)
Bring Take-Aways	128	(1)
Dialogue, Not Monologue = Success	128	(2)
Create a Dialogue	128	(1)
Listen!	129	(1)
Know When to Finish	130	(1)
Handling Problems, Issues, and Negative Reactions	130	(19)
How to Criticize	131	(5)
What We Do Wrong Most Often	131	(1)
Creative Criticism	132	(3)
If You're the One Being Criticized	135	(1)
Handling Anger and Hostility	136	(6)
What We Do Wrong Most Often	137	(3)
Techniques for Handling Hostility	140	(2)
Getting at the Truth	142	(5)
If You're the One in Charge	143	(2)
If You're the Outsider	145	(2)
Handling Boredom and Inattention	147	(2)
Closure	149	(7)
Recap and Clarify	149	(1)
If It's Your Meeting	150	(1)
If It's Another's Meeting	150	(1)
Troubleshoot Areas Still Not Resolved	150	(2)
If It's Your Meeting	150	(1)
If It's Another's Meeting	151	(1)
Agree on Next Steps	152	(1)
Follow Up: Confirm in Writing	153	(1)
End on a High Note!	153	(3)
If You Weren't the Host	154	(2)
If You Called the Meeting	156	(1)
Checklist for One-on-One Encounters	156	(3)
Before the Meeting	156	(1)
Openers	157	(1)
Presenting the Substance	157	(1)
Handling Problems, Issues, and Negative Reactions	158	(1)
Closure	158	(1)
6 Seeing Is Believing: Making Your Message Visual	159	(23)
Why Visual?	159	(3)
Take a New Approach	160	(2)
How Visuals Affect Your Audience	162	(3)
Making Messages Visual	165	(4)
What to Show, What to Tell	165	(2)
Which Subjects Need Visual Support	165	(1)
Which Subjects Need Only Telling	166	(1)
Which Subjects Need Both	166	(1)
Always Personalize Your Message	167	(1)
Visual Take-Aways	168	(1)
How to Design Visual Messages	169	(10)
Getting Started	169	(1)
Exhibits Can Be Simple	170	(1)
Choosing the Medium	170	(1)
A Few Basic Design Principles	171	(2)
Making Audiences Look: Effective Presentation of Graphics	173	(3)
Effective Use of Color	176	(3)
Making Your Message Visual, Verbally	179	(3)
Using Words to Make Images	179	(3)
7 How to Create Great Presentations	182	(33)
The Challenge	182	(1)
Planning Your Presentation	183	(2)
Getting Started	183	(1)
Know Your Audience!	184	(1)
The Know-Your-Audience Questions: Don't Speechify Without Them!	185	(7)
Know-Your-Audience Speedy Checklist	192	(1)
Who's Telling?	192	(4)
How to Tell It: The Techniques of Telling	196	(9)
Organizing Your Message	196	(1)
How to Create Order in Your Message	197	(3)
Create Your Own Outline	198	(1)
LS/Long Shot	198	(1)
Med/Medium Shot	199	(1)
CU/Close-Up	199	(1)
What Speakers Do Most Often That Confuses Us	200	(5)
Building a Speech Outline That Makes Sense	201	(1)
Three Approaches to Organizing Material	202	(2)
Don't Just Tell Me—Show Me	204	(1)
Best Ways to Lay Out Your Presentation on a Page	205	(4)
Why Notes Matter	205	(1)
Written Speeches vs. Oral Presentations	205	(4)
The Written vs. the Spoken Word	206	(1)
The Effects of Written Speeches on the Audience	207	(1)
The Effects of Written Speeches on the Speaker	207	(2)
For Addicted Need-My-Whole Speech Writers	209	(1)
Writing Usable Speech Notes and Outlines	209	(6)
The Basic Process	210	(5)
8 How to Deliver Great Presentations	215	(33)
The Techniques	216	(1)
Openings	216	(15)
Who Are You?	216	(3)
Stage Fright	219	(5)
Good Getting-to-Know-You Openings	224	(4)
Why Should They Listen?	228	(1)
What Will They Hear About and How	229	(2)
Content: How to Explain and Persuade	231	(15)
Presenting in an Orderly, Organized Fashion	231	(3)
Techniques for Explaining New Information	234	(2)
Speaking and Language Skills	236	(6)
Activate Your Audience!	242	(4)
Closings	246	(2)
9 The Art of Q & A	248	(15)
Why Do It?	248	(1)
Preparing for Q & A	248	(4)
Understanding Your Audience	248	(4)
What to Look for and Expect	249	(1)
Understand Who Asks Questions	249	(1)
Understand Your Adversaries	250	(1)
Understand Your Feelings	250	(2)
Answering Techniques	252	(11)
What Usually Happens	252	(1)
Why People Don't Ask	253	(1)
Helping People Get Started	254	(1)
Some Other Launches for Q & A	254	(1)
Sonya's 13 Responses for Success in Q & A	255	(1)
1. Relax and Be Informal	256	(1)
2. Listen Hard to the Question!	256	(1)
3. Clarify the Question	256	(1)
4. Compliment the Asker	257	(1)
5. Treat Everyone Respectfully	257	(1)
6. Avoid Debates	257	(1)
7. If You Don't Know, Say It Out Loud!	258	(1)
8. How to Avoid a Question	258	(1)
9. Taking Some Lumps Is Inevitable	259	(1)
10. Buying Time	259	(1)
11. Turn Uncomfortable Questions Around	260	(1)
12. Cutting People Off	261	(1)
13. Getting the Audience on Your Side	262	(1)
10 Meetings: How to Lead and How to Be Heard	263	(34)
Why Meetings Don't Work	263	(2)
Skills you Need to Learn and Sharpen	264	(1)
What Meetings Can and Should Accomplish	265	(1)
Team Building and Group Connection	255	(10)
Comparing Notes, Sharing Information	265	(1)
Hearing Opinions Openly Discussed	265	(1)
Looking for Solutions Together	266	(1)
Developing Consensus	266	(1)
Group Self-Criticism	266	(1)
Planning a Meeting	266	(1)
Define Your Objectives, Large or Small	266	(1)
Question Your Meeting	267	(1)
Who Should Come?	267	(1)
Consider the Timing	267	(1)
Scheduling a Meeting	267	(2)
Best and Worst Times to Have Meetings	268	(1)
Length of Meetings	268	(1)
Location	268	(1)
Which Day to Choose	269	(1)
Creating the Agenda	269	(3)
Input from the Group	270	(1)
Number of Agenda Items	270	(1)
Prioritizing and Positioning	270	(1)
Time Allotment	271	(1)
Set Agenda Times Together at the Meeting	272	(1)
Leadership Skills for Handling People	272	(3)
Basic Personalities at Meetings	272	(3)
Movers	273	(1)
Opposers	273	(1)
Followers	274	(1)
Bystanders	275	(1)
Three Vital Meeting Skills	275	(10)
Listening	276	(4)
Techniques for Improving Listening	277	(3)
Supporting	280	(2)
Techniques for Supporting	281	(1)
Disagreeing	282	(3)
Techniques for Disagreeing Constructively	283	(2)
Communication Skills for Meeting Leaders	285	(5)
Getting the Group's Attention	286	(1)
Staying Focused	286	(1)
Engaging the Nonparticipant	287	(1)
How to Cut People Off	287	(1)
Handling Controversial or Ticklish Subjects	288	(1)
Getting Agreement	289	(1)
When Meetings Get Out of Hand	289	(1)
Handling Egos and Conflict	290	(1)
Communication Skills for Meeting Participants	290	(7)
Come Prepared	291	(1)
Sit in a Powerful Place	291	(1)
Look Confident and Interested	292	(1)
How to Speak Up	293	(1)
Ask Questions	294	(1)
If You're Criticized or Attacked	294	(3)
The Last Word	297	(2)
Acknowledgments	299	(2)
Index	301

Excerpts

How to Talk So People Listen
Connecting in Today's Workplace

Chapter One

Enter Technology, Exit Talking

What's New in Communicating

Everything -- and I'm about to tell you about it. But the absolute core of great communicating hasn't changed at all.

It's not about you and your skills.

It's not about your subject.

It all starts from this basic principle:

Know Your Audience!

Talking so others listen starts with understanding those others, first! Then basing any presentation, one-on-one encounter, meeting, or negotiation on what the audience wants, needs, and cares about.

Now, this audience orientation comes in two flavors.

What you should know about any specific audience you're going to talk to so you can adapt your approach each time

and

What basic facts you should know about any audience you're communicating with today to learn how they listen now.

In order to build a great repertoire for you as super-communicator, you need to learn these two approaches. They are the foundation for building any kind of communication, especially at work.

What You Need to Know First

The rest of the book will show you how to analyze any specific audience and what techniques to use to reach them. But we must begin, in the first two chapters, with the same basics -- truths that exist now for all the audiences you'll talk to.

Understanding what's happened to us as a society and how we've changed our communication with each other -- this is a cornerstone for building successful communication on any level today. Another is understanding more about the disparate groups in today's workplace and what they each need. You'll be surprised by lots of this, recognize yourself, and say "never thought about that," about others.

So let's begin gaining some perspective on where we are now, to give you a base for going forward and learning the new skills I'll show you. Let's now discover:

• How we currently listen and learn, and where talking still fits in
• What motivates us to listen; what's important
• What else is happening in the workplace that affects how you'll communicate with each other successfully

What's New In The Twenty-First Century

Let's start with how we communicate with each other. Wow, has that changed in recent years!

To really nail this, here's an email I got recently that says it all:

You know you're living in 2005, when . . .

You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

You email the person who works at the desk next to you.

Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have email addresses.

You make phone calls from home and accidentally dial 9 to get an outside line.

You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies!!

You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.

Leaving the house without your cell phone is now a cause for panic.

You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

True?

See what we have to work with, or against, when we want to talk so people listen?

Well, let's get started finding out the kind of work we have to do to make this happen.

Even Hello Has Changed

Just take how we greet each other -- that "Hello, I'm Sonya Hamlin" thing I did at the beginning of the book. That's how we usually do it when we meet someone, isn't it? Picture a typical first encounter and what goes with it.

the look
the name
the handshake
the smile
the noticing
the visceral response
the face-to-face human contact

That opening moment helps us evaluate and decide at what level to relate and, most of all, how we instinctively feel and respond to the other person. Personal contact has always been the number one way we start any relationship.

But is it, anymore?

We now live in a world where online meeting and greeting and email and text-messaged "conversations" -- with no sound, touch, feel, sight, or smell -- are substituting for the old in-person ways. We're trading senses for technology. Today's standards are speed and ease, not human contact and personal perception.

Is that good? Bad? Costly? As effective as the old way? Can we really totally eliminate the old way?

That look-in-your-eyes-to-see-if-I-really-trust-you way?

That notice-how-shifty-he-looks, why-can't-she-stand-still way?

That what-a-warm-smile, how-nice-this-feels way?

That's today's communication dilemma, and the issues we now need to deal with are:

• How recent advances have affected how we now communicate and how we get to know each other
• What else we need to do now to sell and persuade, to develop trust and confidence, and to explain and be understood

The Biggest Issue

We're incredibly more efficient now. We can do just about anything business requires -- worldwide -- by just hitting the keyboard, sending email and searching the Web.

Except . . .

Except the ultimate: selling ourselves.

That means the ability to convince

• Potential customers
• Fellow workers
• Upper management
• The people in power

about the validity and trustworthiness of your ideas, your plan, your product, your abilities -- yourself.

Would anyone hire you simply because you send in a great résumé complete with PowerPoint diagrams and pictures of ads and ideas you created? Would you hire someone on that basis?

In order to close any deal, people want to know "Who am I dealing with?" "Can I trust him?" " Would I like to work with her?" "Do I want this person to represent my company?" "Does she seem quick on the draw?"

Can any of that ever be decided by email? Doesn't it always need the old face-to-face, every time?

How to Talk So People Listen
Connecting in Today's Workplace. Copyright © by Sonya Hamlin. Reprinted by permission of HarperCollins Publishers, Inc. All rights reserved. Available now wherever books are sold.

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Excerpted from How to Talk So People Listen: Connecting in Today's Workplace by Sonya Hamlin
All rights reserved by the original copyright owners. Excerpts are provided for display purposes only and may not be reproduced, reprinted or distributed without the written permission of the publisher.