I Can't Believe You Went Through My Stuff! How to Give Your Teens the Privacy They Crave and the Guidance They Need

by Sheras, Peter; Thompson, Andrea

• ISBN13: 9780743252157
• ISBN10: 0743252152
• Format: Paperback
• Copyright: 2004-08-03
• Publisher: Touchstone

Summary

Do you really need to know if your daughter has tasted beer or your son has had his first kiss? Probably not.Teens keep secrets. They need this privacy to resolve their own dilemmas, make their own decisions, and start down the road to becoming independent, responsible adults. Although parents can't (and shouldn't) know everything, they are right to worry about giving their children too much freedom, since teens can be attracted to dangerous behaviors.Parenting teenagers means allowing them the freedom to explore, make mistakes, learn, and keep moving forward. Dr. Peter Sheras, an expert in adolescent development, has taught countless parents how to know when to step back, when to ask questions, and when to take definitive action. InI Can't Believe You Went Through My Stuff!he explains how pushing for information or attempting to keep teens confined in too small a box will undoubtedly result in anger, resentment, and worst of all a penchant for trouble.The book includes solid, practical advice on:How you can learn more about your teenager's life without invading his privacy or losing her trust How to start a conversation when your teen won't talk What to do about lying, whether it's infrequent or often How to discuss family rules and establish consequences that really work How to tell if your teen needs professional help and where to find itI Can't Believe You Went Through My Stuff!will give you the key to keeping your teenager safe while building a trusting, warm, and communicative relationship.

Author Biography

Peter Sheras is a professor at the Curry Program in Clinical and School Psychology at the University of Virginia, Associate Director of the Virginia Youth Violence Project, and Coordinator of the local School Crisis Network in Charlottesville. He also has his own clinical practice. He lives in Charlottesville, Virginia, with his family Andrea Thompson has written or coauthored numerous parenting books and articles. She lives in New York City

Table of Contents

Acknowledgments	v
Preface	ix
Chapter 1 Secrets and Privacy	1	(17)
How Your Teenager Starts Answering the Question "Who Am I?"
Chapter 2 The Shift to Stage 2 Parenting	18	(20)
Knowing Yourself and the Limits of Your Power
Chapter 3 Beginning the Conversation	38	(28)
How to Talk Teen
Chapter 4 Your Teenager's Life, Right Now	66	(27)
What You Do and (Probably) Don't Need to Know
Chapter 5 Lines in the Sand	93	(33)
Rules, Boundaries, and When and How to Confront Your Teen
Chapter 6 Real Trouble	126	(48)
Dangerous Secrets and What to Do About Them
Chapter 7 In the Wake of a Storm	174	(21)
Trusting Your Child Again, Repairing Your Relationship
Chapter 8 Other Kids' Secrets	195	(13)
When Your Teen Becomes Involved in a Friend's Private Problems
Chapter 9 Parenting Partnerships	208	(21)
Working Together with Your Spouse and the Other Adults in Your Teenager's World
Afterword You and Your Teenager	229	(8)
What a Perfect Relationship Looks Like Isn't That Everything Goes Perfectly
Index	237

Excerpts

Preface

In my writing and lecturing, I approach the teaching tasks with the attitude of a scientist telling good stories: Here's what happened, and here, according to our current understanding, is why it happened. This book includes many stories of adolescents and their parents. In each case, for the sake of privacy, names and other specific details do not correspond to those of real individuals I have counseled. Their stories, however, are grounded in my clinical experience and research. Over my three decades of working with children and families, the common themes that make adolescence a trying time for parent and child alike have emerged. Those themes determined the shape of this book.

Psychologists often don't want to state an interpretation of behavior or a recommendation for action until we're absolutely sure we have the thing right. The truth is, we know enough to be helpful. My job is to translate what we think we know about children into information that's genuinely useful to a parent, and that's what I hope you will find inI Can't Believe You Went Through My Stuff!

Copyright © 2004 by Peter Sheras, Ph.D., and Skylight Press

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Excerpted from I Can't Believe You Went Through My Stuff!: How to Give Your Teens the Privacy They Crave and the Guidance They Need by Peter Sheras
All rights reserved by the original copyright owners. Excerpts are provided for display purposes only and may not be reproduced, reprinted or distributed without the written permission of the publisher.