I Hate the Gym

by Jessica Kaminsky; Sammy Yuen Jr.

• ISBN13: 9780689873690
• ISBN10: 0689873697
• Format: Paperback
• Copyright: 2004-12-28
• Publisher: Simon Spotlight Entertainment

Summary

Most of us would rather give up bread than step on a treadmill, but there are basics to consider - good health, fitting into a favourite pair of jeans, attracting a mate, feeling fit. Whatever the incentive that draws people to the most unappealing place on Earth, getting to the gym is less than half the battle. Once there, navigating the sea of distasteful sights, sounds and smells can be a horrifying experience. The gym is a minefield of people you'd rather not stand next to on the underground let alone share a sweaty machine with. In I HATE THE GYM, seasoned sitcom writer Jessica Kaminsky shares her tips on getting through a trip to the fortress of evil relatively unscathed. Tips include: * The half-hour rule (doesn't matter what you do, if you stay for thirty minutes, it counts as a workout) * Reward systems (thirty minutes equals carte blanche to eat and drink whatever you want) * Identifying the players (from the prison warden to the bored housewife) * Surviving the classes (beware the territorial spinners and aggressive yogis) and more!

Excerpts

Chapter Three GETTING THERE:THE FIRST HURDLE Maybe you've blown the gym off all week. Or you haven't been in a month. Or worse, you can't remember the last time you used your membership card. Whatever the reason, it doesn't matter. The point is, you're there now. Well, at least you're imagining yourself at the gym, and that's one-sixteenth of the battle.Many people don't realize that for the tried-and-true gym loather, the psychological battle begins before you even slip on your sneakers and head for the treadmill. Psyching yourself up to go to the gym after a hard day of work isn't easy; it often requires surmounting mental hurdles akin to climbing Mount Everest. The dread of knowing that your plans for the evening consist of being around sweaty people, bad lighting, and techno beats could dissuade even the most motivated person from going. That's when the impromptu no-carb diets commence and last-minute plans are made, all in an attempt to wiggle out of an evening of fitness. Because it's not simply about hating the gym, it's about the steely determination and sheer willpower it takes to overcome the first hurdle and drag our asses to a place we would do anything to avoid.So the question is how to make the place we hate easier to deal with.Set GoalsThe key to easing the dread quotient of your workout is to set goals for yourself -- reasonable goals. Like: If I go to the gym: I get dinneranddessert...and I'm not making it myself. I get one cocktail for every mile I run. I get to reward myself with an impulse buy. I get to eat as much chocolate as my belly can hold. Another important device is to remind yourself why you're at the gym and what you're hoping to achieve. Do you want to make an ex jealous? Do you want to fit into your good-butt jeans? Is this punishment for a night of excessive drinking? Whatever your motivation, having a specific goal in mind can really help focus a workout.Remember the Half-Hour RuleThis rule may be obvious to the gym haters among you, but if you're at the gym for a half hour -- it doesn't matter what you did -- you worked out. It's like the "five-second rule," only you don't have to eat anything off the floor. Basically, the Half-Hour Rule allows you all the bragging rights you want. You can have a schvitz in the steam room, take a leisurely shower, and pamper yourself in the locker room. Because as long as you spend a full thirty minutes at the gym, you've passed the test. Now, pat yourself on the back and pick up a slice of pizza on the way home. Because today, you can honestly say you went to the gym.Find a Gym NemesisThis may sound strange to you, but I swear, it really helps take the sting out of a tedious workout: Find yourself a gym nemesis. Simply scan the crowd, lock in on someone totally annoying, and set about hating them like crazy for a good solid hour. By refocusing your hatred on an unsuspecting gym-goer, you'll release endorphins you never knew you had. Hate, after all, can be a strong motivator.Another tip: You don't have to limit yourself to one nemesis. Collect an assortment of irritating characters to observe and mock silently. It can be "Crazy Dresser" one week, and "Slutty Girl" the next. Your new nemeses will help you pass the time and ease the boredom of a workout. And let's face it, anyone who insists on wearing sunglasses while sweating on the elliptical machine is probably worthy of your hatred. One minute you'll be wondering what would ever possess someone to apply body glitter before going to yoga class, and next thing you know, your time is up and you've finished a half hour of cardio. See, having enemies can be a good thing.Throw Money at the ProblemWhen I joined the gym, I did it because I was trying to look hot for my