I'm Ok, You're My Parents : How to Overcome Guilt, Let Go of Anger, and Create a Relationship That Works

by Atkins, Dale; Hass, Nancy

• ISBN13: 9780805073539
• ISBN10: 0805073531
• Edition: 1st
• Format: Hardcover
• Copyright: 2004-04-15
• Publisher: Henry Holt and Co.

Summary

In a recent study, half of all Americans rated their relationship with at least one parent as either "poor" or "terrible," and more than a third felt this way about both parents. As we continue to live longer and the parent-child relationship extends further into adulthood, this problem has reached epidemic proportion. Now, psychologist Dale Atkins presents a step-by-step plan for adults trying to come to terms with parents who are demanding yet generous, infuriating yet lovable -- and entirely human. In I'm OK, You're My Parents, Dr. Atkins applies the same intelligent, no-nonsense approach that's made her a frequent guest on top-rated TV shows and explains how you can radically restructure the longest long-term relationship of your life -- with or without your parents' help. With Atkins as your guide, you'll learn to formulate surefire ways to deal with your parents, become sensitive to their vulnerabilities and sore spots, and seek "points of entry" for what were once awkward or difficult conversations. Her practical, specific advice shows how to effectively set limits on parents' demands for time and attention, set personal boundaries, and untangle stress-inducing financial arrangements, leaving you free to create a sense of yourself as truly independent. I'm OK, You're My Parents will help you leave behind childhood roles and fantasies about what you wish your parents were like and develop a new, empathetic relationship of equals. Drawing on Dr. Atkins's twenty-five years of experience as a relationship expert, the book is a comprehensive, articulate guide for everyone who is desperate to break free of fruitless, frustrating interactions and build a life that they and their parents can live with -- forever. Book jacket.

Author Biography

Dale Atkins, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist and media commentator who appears regularly on the Today Show. The author of five books, she has contributed to such national magazines as Ladies’ Home Journal, Cosmopolitan, and Parents. She lives in Westport, Connecticut.

Table of Contents

Introduction: Sit Down Before You Read This	p. 1
Past, Tense
Making Sure Your Past Doesn't Last	p. 13
Leaving It All Behind: A Word about Becoming an Adult	p. 27
What Have You Done for Me Lately?: A Word about Guilt	p. 32
The "Gift" That Keeps On Taking--and Taking: A Word about Anger	p. 39
Present Imperfect
What You Need to Know about Your Parents	p. 53
Your Fantasy Parent Doesn't Live Here Anymore	p. 63
The Relief of Having Reasonable Expectations	p. 71
The Urge to Merge--and the Need to Diverge	p. 75
You Say You Want a Revolution. But Are You Your Own Worst Enemy?	p. 78
Seeking a Second Opinion	p. 81
Button Up Your Panic Buttons	p. 88
Keeping Your Eye on the Prize	p. 97
Building Fences 101: The Art of Creating Boundaries	p. 102
Getting Your Spouse in Your House	p. 111
Role-Playing with the Punches	p. 140
Laughing through the Apocalypse	p. 148
Making Your Body Say What You Mean	p. 152
Toning Down Your Tone of Voice	p. 157
Reaching for the Words That Reach Them	p. 162
Diversion: Learn to Love the Bait and Switch	p. 169
Let Them Be Your Savior--or at Least Think They Are	p. 172
Disarm Them with Honesty	p. 177
Flatten Them with Flattery	p. 180
Future Shock: Troubleshooting the Hotspots	p. 185
They Manipulate Me with Health Crises (Real and Imagined)	p. 187
They Make Themselves a Little Too Much at Home	p. 201
They Don't Like My Spouse ... or That I Don't Have One	p. 211
They Are Not There in the Way I Need Them to Be	p. 224
They Want Too Much of My Time	p. 232
They Are Offended When I Don't Share Personal Details of My Life	p. 238
They Put Me in the Middle of Their Marriage (or Divorce) Problems	p. 245
They Manage to Slip an Insult into Every Conversation	p. 255
They Expect Constant Admiration and Attention	p. 263
They Embarrass Me	p. 270
They Use Money to Manipulate Me	p. 278
They Think I Am a Bad Parent	p. 293
Conclusion: A Word about When to Give Up	p. 306
Bibliography	p. 308
Acknowledgments	p. 310
Index	p. 311
Table of Contents provided by Ingram. All Rights Reserved.

Excerpts

From I’m OK, You’re My Parents:
“I’d kill him,” said Luanne, “but that would nullify the will, right?” I told her it was a good sign that she was still able to joke about the situation. At least that meant she hadn’t given up entirely. Her husband, Kurt, though, sat stone-faced.

Luanne was talking about her father, a well-known lawyer. The problem was that he was using his money to manipulate them, and he was doing his usual crackerjack job. Kurt was
struggling in his advertising career and Luanne’s father seemed to be making the most of that.

“He’s fantastically rich and he dangles her inheritance in front of us all the time,” Kurt
sputtered. “Whenever he thinks we aren’t seeing him enough or giving him enough time with the grandchildren or when he feels we haven’t been sufficiently reverential, he drops little hints about adjusting his will. I try not to react, but I feel so humiliated I can’t sleep.”

What they didn’t say until I coaxed it out of them was that they already regularly took money from her father, always let him pick up the tabs at their frequent dinners together (he always chose the place, naturally), and allowed him weekly toy-shopping sprees with the twins. Strange, isn’t it, how money, which is supposed to buy freedom, so often winds up purchasing little more than slavery?

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Excerpted from I'm Ok, You're My Parents: How to Overcome Guilt, Let Go of Anger, and Create a Relationship That Works by Dale Atkins, Nancy Hass
All rights reserved by the original copyright owners. Excerpts are provided for display purposes only and may not be reproduced, reprinted or distributed without the written permission of the publisher.