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In contrast to his nightly belligerence, Alex works at a hospital where he saves lives, which he likes to remind people is no big deal. He can say otolaryngology in three languages and knows more about the Orbitofrontal Cortex than is necessary for someone who is not, technically, a doctor. He enjoys bubblegum toothpaste, strawberry Pop Tarts, and bench press. Visit him at www.AlexBash.com.

The Imbible

CLASSIC GAMES!

BEER PONG

Origin: Babylon, 2300 BC

Creator: God (eleventh commandment: Thou shalt not break plane of table with elbow).

Story: Originally played vertically in the Hanging Gardens; the Babylonians would use L-shaped cups to hold the beer and throw crude rocks instead of Ping-Pong balls, because Ping-Pong balls were for "Persian wusses." (Note: Far from being wusses, the Persians eventually conquered Babylon and covered it in overpriced rugs. They then pissed in their gardens whenever drunk, which proved difficult as they were in "hanging" gardens and it often ended with someone getting pee in their face. This was the precursor for the drunken prank "golden shower.")

Players: Two teams of one to five people each. Works best with two teams of two. If there are more players, just add one Ping-Pong ball for each two new members (one on each side); and six cups and two beers per new player. And a kick to the crotch for making things difficult. They'll drink themselves numb soon, anyway.

Supplies:

• Six keg cups for each player on either team

• One table ten to twenty feet long and wide enough to hold all the keg cups

• Two Ping-Pong balls. (Or, two crude rocks if you're Babylonian.)

• A mouth to talk unjustified shit to opponents. (Very crucial.)

Beer: Two beers for every six cups, distributed as evenly as your drunken sense of proportion will allow. No, that's not an overflowing cup, Drunk Steve. It's the dog, and you can't drink him.

Objective: Throw your Ping-Pong ball into the cups arranged artfully in pyramids in front of your opponents. If you make the ball in the cup, you must make a sexual joke regarding the entrance of the ball(s) into the cup's hole, and then your opponent must drink the beer from the cup the ball landed in. If he fails to first remove the ball, you can either (a) help out the gene pool by letting him choke on the beer-soaked Ping-Pong ball and thankfully never reproduce, or (b) steal his beer while he's choking and hand it out to girls; both are acceptable by Beer Pong doctrine. The sunken ball is then returned to you so you can add still more humiliation to your pathetic opponent's life. When all of a team's cups are gone, its members lose ... and they're drunk! Hooray!

Setup and Gameplay: The game begins with each player lining up his six keg cups in the form of a triangle (3-2-1, with the triangle pointing toward his opponents) and pouring two beers evenly among the cups. The cups must all be touching. However, if the beer-covered table floats a cup away, leave it be--the beer has spoken.

Each team starts with one ball (if there are more than two per side, just work it out evenly). Players stand next to their teammates, across the table from their opponents. Do I really need to tell you the table should be positioned lengthwise?

If a ball is thrown and not made, it's anybody's ball. There are no turns in Beer Pong! The only exceptions are if (a) somebody is injured (e.g., twisted ankle, gunshot wound, PABS [Pussy-Ass Bitch Syndrome]) and therefore can't properly fight for the ball,(b) there's way too much stuff crowding the room (tables, chairs, bodies), or (c) you're a wuss.

Very important: When you throw the ball, imagine there is an invisible plane going up at the edge of the table. No part of your body, arm, or hand can break this plane. You cannot lean over the table and throw the ball. You must stand back and throw from behind the edge of the table. If you violate this rule, your opponents can laugh at you mercilessly.

If both balls are thrown by the same team and land in the same cup, that counts as three cups. The team that threw the balls chooses which three cups the other team drinks. (Note: This rarely happens; balls are usually flying everywhere and nobody is throwing at the same time.)

If a ball is bounced by a team and goes into a cup, it counts as two cups. But if a ball is bounced, it can be swatted by the other team after the first bounce. This strategy is often used when the other team is not paying attention. It is also very effective when you're playing against people who have no hand-eye coordination. Or are blind. And deaf.

If a player interferes with a thrown ball before it hits a cup or the table, that player must remove one cup from his side as a penalty. (And drink its contents, obviously. This isn't a "removing" game, it's a drinking game.)

When a ball lands in a cup, the beer in that cup must be drunk immediately, before the player is allowed to set it down.This is motivation to drink faster, as it's hard to fight for a ball with one hand holding a beer. If a player violates this rule, he must drink another cup as well, forcing the player to double-fist, thus making it easier to bounce against him, fight for balls, and whack him in the nuts with an inflatable prostitute doll.

Each team gets one "rerack" per game, meaning after they've made, say, eight of their opponents' twelve cups and the remaining four are all spread out, they can have them combined into a diamond.

If you are scared of germs, you can have a cup of water next to your pyramid and cleanse the ball after it has touched the floor, landed in a cup, or been in the hands of that sweaty gross dude who smells like rancid milk from your Chem 126 lab--unless you're into that kind of thing.

If one of your cups gets knocked over by a Ping-Pong ball or by a teammate's hand/arm while trying to protect it or going for balls, that cup is gone, you are one cup closer to losing, and you have wasted beer. I hope you don't need to be told what a disaster this is. So make sure you fill each cup enough. If they are almost empty, they'll get knocked over real quick.

Options: The following are various "house rules" I have stumbled across in my life of Pong; some made me appreciate the game a little more, others found me on the roof of the restaurant I worked at, taking tequila shots with my boss at four A.M. It's up to you whether these rules (or their outcome) are a good thing.

• When you begin the game, one player from each team gets a Pong, looks his opponent in the eye, and shoots without breaking the stare. Whoever makes it first gets to start the game with both balls. Kind of odd, but some people do it ritualistically (Note: This is a great time to wear sunglasses or a push-up bra).

• You always take turns throwing as teams, and only get the balls back if you make both of them on the same turn (since thisrarely happens, I suggest one of you pelt your opponents in the face while the other bounces).

• Most of the time when the last cup is gone, the game is over. Lately, though, I've noticed that people like the "rebuttal shot": if your last cup gets sunk, each player on your team has one last chance to shoot but has to make all of the other team's cups to stay alive. Good for people who work well under pressure, like contract killers (Note: The government has spies who monitor your rebuttal-shot average; 66 percent or more and they can off you without explanation).

• The wild'n'wacky'n'crazy'n'wacky'n'wild setup rule! Each team can set up its cups however the hell it wants: instead of a triangle, you can do a straight line, two squares, or spell out "fuck you" or "munch on my chode" or "you will most likely not win this match, but I wish you the best of luck." You may need extra cups.

• Some people are quite adamant about removing a cup after it is sunk. Generally, if you're playing with turns, don't remove it and give each other a chance to make both Pongs in one; but if you're playing free-for-all, then remove the cup before it gets sunk (if you even notice it)!

• This one friend I have has this rule that says no attractive female can wear clothing. His name is Me.

Strategy:

• Each player, if there are two of you, should cover one side of dthe table for loose balls, as opposed to both going for that one loose ball (because your opponent could then bounce the other ball in). If there are three of you, have the two outside people go after balls off the table and the middle person catch balls on the table, block bounces, and remove cups that have been sunk before a second ball lands in them.

• If you can control yourself while playing free-for-all, try to get all the balls on your side for each throw so you can (a) makethem both into the same cup if possible, (b) have one person throw while the other bounces, or (c) throw all the balls at once, thus confusing your opponents and gaining a better chance at getting one of the loose balls. Or, my personal favorite, pelt two balls at their faces and bounce the other. This could get dirty, especially if you replace the Ping-Pong balls with clumps of dirt.

• But remember--Beer Pong is only a game. That is, unless that blond chick from Kappas is watching, and that dick from Sigma Nu is your opponent, and you have to be at the Quad in fifteen minutes dressed as one of the Village People for the Box Car Derby Race. Emotions can definitely run high, so it's in your best interest to drink yourself numb.

FLIP CUP

Operation Imbibe & Conquer: Instead of dropping bombs during wars, we should send over massive quantities of beer, 3 million copies of this book, and pictures of Scarlett Johansson. As soon as they reach the drunken sing-along stage of intoxication we can parachute in, install democracy, and recycle the cans for war reparations. Contributions for the 2012 presidential campaign are always welcome.

Players: As many people as you can put along the length of your table. Teams must have the same number of participants. If one team has Blacked-Out Bill, maybe put two on the other to compensate. As for No-Hands Ned ... sorry, bud--go sit in the corner. No one likes a disabled drinker.

Supplies:

• A flat table

• One keg cup per person--two if you're badass

Beer: Enough to make onlookers think you're Keystone Light marketing reps

Mythical Creature of Flip Cup: The hydra (also a good team name)

Objective: Be the first team to flip all your cups over and tell the other team how much better you are at life

Basics: Teams line up on either side of the table with their cups in front of them, filled one-third of the way with delicious beer.

Pick an end of the table to be the starting end; the two players facing each other start the game.

Everybody counts down together from three to zero to make sure all are paying attention. At zero, the two starters cheer with their cups, touch them to the table, and then chug them down as fast as possible. When the starters finish, they quickly set their respective cup upright on the table halfway over the edge, and tip the part hanging off with their fingers just enough to make thecup flip over onto the table and land upside down. It doesn't matter if the cup flips a half-rotation or ten; if it lands upside down, it counts.

If the cup doesn't sit upside down, the starter must grab it (hurry!) and try again. Each player keeps going until he gets the cup to land and stay upside down on the table, then the next person in line on that team goes. The first team to get all its cups flipped wins. Initiate chest bumps and belittling of opponents.

Strategy:

• Gentlemen, nobody knows why, but ladies love the Flip Cup.

• As far as flipping technique? Put your cup down and ... flip it. If it doesn't land upside down, flip it again. That's okay. We'll wait.

• A more difficult way to play this is to set the cups on the edge of the table already upside down and flip them right side up, because the upright position has a smaller surface area on which to land and balance (it's science). Also, people's shoes get covered in beer if they don't finish their whole cup. Cheaters.

• Guys, be a man and always fill your cup up at least one-third of the way, if not more. Ladies, same thing. No sympathy.

Options/Other Shit:

• For those wishing to maximize drunkenness, the game can be structured so that each team goes down and back. To do this, the last player on each side (a.k.a. the Corner Man) has to have two cups and get them both flipped before his team can start heading back to the front of the line. The Corner Man is usually the best Flip Cup player, or at least the one who is the least drunk. Also, everybody else has to have beer ready to refill his cup after he successfully lands his first one, so he has a cup to drink and flip on the way back.

• If you're really trying to get loaded quickly, you can pour a shot of hard alcohol instead of beer into each cup and not let the drinker have the chaser until he's flipped his cup successfully.

• The isn't called Grab Cup or Hold Cup, so there is, of course, no holding onto the cup in any way as you flip it over. You can only touch the bottom of the cup, and only for an instant, as if spanking its cute little plastic butt.

• There is also, of course, no interfering with the other team's cups in any way. If an accidental cup collision occurs, don't worry about it. Neither of your cups probably landed, anyway.

• If you think you're something special, try flipping the cup over with your hand behind your back, under your leg, with your tongue, or by flexing your erection. No, seriously.

For the Extremist: Just as Extreme Ironers took pressing clothes to the next level, groups of Extreme Flip Cuppers are willing to risk as much as momentary embarrassment to make the Flip Cup record books. There are legends of games that stretched across an entire football field. Some believers say that two brave men played with five-gallon buckets in the place of cups, their failed livers having to be buried miles underground to save Earth from the toxicity. If you think you have the guts and lack of regard for your physical well-being to make Flip Cup history, please, send the pictures to me at alexbash1@gmail.com along with the obit, so I can pay tribute.

HIGH, LOW, RED, BLACK

How This Game May Have Been Created: The differing limitations involved in simultaneous measurements of subatomic particles had dire implications for our choice to consciously combine the electromagnetic photons via nucleon-fibrosis due to the diffraction of the oscillation field. Thus, electrolysis conducted the osmosis of the protons' rapidly crystallizing from the outer ring of alkalinity of the appropriated doctrine of desalinization.

How This Game Was Actually Created: A bunch of dudes playing cards wanted to do something fun to get drunk and make penis jokes.

Players: Two or more

Supplies: A deck of cards

Beer: More than you previously thought you could consume

Miscellaneous Conversation:

Toilet: Hey, how's it going man?

Dude: Blllaaahhhhh!!

Toilet: Did you see that new brunette?

Dude: Blllaaahhhhh!!

Toilet: So how about those Mariners?

Dude: Well, I believe that with some solid off-season trades, call-ups from the minors, and a reliable first-round draft pick, we could really be in contention for that pennant.

Toilet: And how's school going?

Dude: Bllllaaaahhhh!!

Objective: To correctly guess five times in a row if the next card turned over will be higher or lower than the previous card or, at the player's choice, if it will be red or black. Or green, if there's LSD involved.

Counting Cards: One person plays at a time while the rest egg him on to mess up so he drinks himself retarded. Anyone can be the dealer. Play starts when the dealer lays down one card.

Whoever is up guesses whether the next card turned over from the top of the deck will be higher than the previous card, lower than the previous card, or red or black.

He only gets one guess, and then the next card is laid down next to the first one. If he is correct, he keeps going until he either guesses incorrectly or correctly guesses five cards in a row.

If he correctly guesses five in a row, he does not have to drink; the turn moves on to the next person and the previous player's five correctly guessed cards are shuffled back into the deck. If he guesses incorrectly, he drinks one drink for each card on the table, not counting the first card laid down by the dealer at the beginning.

When somebody guesses incorrectly, it's the next player's turn. The game moves clockwise (to the left, you digitized idiot).

Strategy: Didn't you watch Rounders? If it's a low card, guess high. If it's a high card, guess low. If it's a medium card, guess red or black. It doesn't matter. Even when you lose, you win--because you're getting drunk!

[Variation 1:] A slightly more harsh/awesome way to play the game: if Player One guesses five cards correctly, Player Two is up like normal, but you do not remove the five cards already on the table that Player One guessed correctly. Player Two simply continues on guessing off Player One's last card, adding Player One's cards to his stack. So, if Player One guesses all five cards right, and then Player Two guesses his first card incorrectly, he drinks six. IfPlayers One, Two, and Three all guess five cards in a row correctly (fifteen total) and then Player Four incorrectly guesses his first card, he drinks sixteen. This game can get very brutal if you are good guessers. Do not play this game with Miss Cleo or anyone else with verifiable psychic powers.

[Variation 2:] If a card is laid down and it's the same one as the card directly behind it, the current guesser drinks double. For example, let's say there are ten cards on the table, the last one being the eight of diamonds. Bob says the next card will be lower than an eight. The next card is the eight of spades. Bob drinks twenty-two (the eleven cards showing, times two). Good night, Bob!

[Variation 3:] One player must continue guessing and drinking until he gets five cards correctly in a row. So, if Player One incorrectly guesses his third card, he drinks three and starts over at the first card, and keeps guessing and drinking until he correctly guesses five in a row. This can make his drink count stack up higher than empty pizza boxes on a fraternity house floor. The unintentional record for drinks in one turn is approximately one hundred. To make the game move faster, it is okay to "owe" the drinks you've accumulated instead of drink all of them when you finally guess five in a row.

[Variation 4:] Utilize Variation 2. Go to a random park. Get a trick deck of all aces. See who can find his way home first after waking up from his blackout (each article of clothing lost adds a five-minute penalty to your time. Each bra acquired subtracts three).

BASEBALL

History of Baseball: In 1845, Alexander Cartwright of New York State invented a uniquely American pastime based on the English game of Rounders. Cartwright and his New York Knickerbockers Baseball Club devised the first rules and regulations of the modern game of baseball, to maximize beer consumption among spectators.

At some point after that, a bunch of fraternity guys with too many quarters and too much time on their hands found a way to adapt the rules of baseball into an indoor game intended to get people much drunker than they could ever be at a real game, except, maybe, in the bleachers at Fenway Park.

Players: An even number of teams, each comprised of one to three players

Supplies:

• Four shot glasses

• A couple of quarters. You only need one at a time, but you'll probably lose a few in the eighth or ninth inning after someone nails his fourteenth grand slam.

• A flat table

• Paper and something to write with, and then more paper after the first sheet gets covered in beer

Beer: What your grandmother would call "a disgusting amount"

Objective: To score more runs than the other team before the ninth inning is over and not wake up with a Yankees tattoo on your left butt cheek

Play Ball! The "away" team is up to bat first, just like in real baseball. The away team is the team that either doesn't live atthe place where you're playing or, if they do, they live the farthest away from the table at which you're playing. You start by setting up the four shot glasses in a straight line going away from you (the first glass is closest to you, the fourth is farthest away). Fill up the shot glasses with beer, wine, or a mixed drink. Not hard alcohol shots, unless you want your stomach pumped. (Note: Getting one's stomach pumped not a weight-loss technique.)

Each player takes turns bouncing the quarter to try to get it into the shot glasses. The first and closest shot glass is a single, the second a double, the third a triple, and the fourth is a home run. When the player who is "up at bat" sinks the quarter, he drinks, not the opposite team, and then refills. If you hit a single, you drink only the single glass. If you hit a double, drink both the double glass and the single glass. If you hit a triple, you drink the triple, double, and single glasses; and if you hit a home run, you drink all four. This is one of those games in which you're rewarded for your performance. The better you do, the drunker you get. It also helps even out the playing field if one team sucks at bouncing quarters and the other team rocks your nipples off (see illustration on how to properly bounce a quarter).

If you make it into a cup, your imaginary runners advance around the bases. Runs are scored in the same way as in real baseball, which I am not going to explain--if you don't know them, come out from under your rock and ask somebody. Whenever you don't make the quarter into one of the shot glasses, it counts as an out. There are three outs for each team, each inning. When a team gets three outs, its players finish whatever was left in their shot glasses and give the glasses to the other team so they can fill them up with their drinks. Use paper and something to write with to keep track of the score, where runners are on base, how many outs there are, and what inning it is. This is very easy to forget, especially when you're drunk and telling exaggerated stories of your high school baseball career ("I swear to God, man--naked chicks in the dugout!").

Sharpening your Cleats:

• It's fun to give yourself the name of a famous baseball player and use that name every time you play. Or, if you're a major fan, name your team after a real one and go through the batting order. It will be just like real baseball, except you probably won't be taking as many steroids.

• If you have no life, you can keep track of all your stats (hits, home runs, win-loss record, puke-and-rallies, etc.) throughout the "season," which could be as long as a week, a semester at school, or a full calendar year. At the end of the year, give out awards: MVP, Rookie of the Year, Most Likely to Miss the Playoffs Because of a Stint in Rehab, and so on.

• Instead of shot glasses, try using four cups, each one taller than the next. The shortest of the cups is a single and the tallest a home run.

• Real games last for nine innings, with each team up at bat once per inning. This can prove to be entirely too long for players of a low drinking tolerance, especially if they're good. Before the game, decide how many innings you're going to play, so there's no bickering later on if someone wants to tap out. The beautiful thing is, if you're doing really well and scoring lots of runs, you'll get so drunk that you'll start missing the shot glasses and not drink anymore. It's perfect!

• Don't be that guy who names himself Mike Oxbig. I mean, come on now--we all went streaking together. You're not fooling anyone.

Bouncing a Quarter:

The best way to bounce a quarter for maximum distance and height while still maintaining accuracy is to hold it by the edges between your thumb and index finger so the face on the quarter is visible and facing you. Try to keep the quarter perfectly flat and hit it down onto the table so as much of the quarter hits the table as possible. Try to make it hit the table two to three inches infront of the glass you're trying to make it into. The harder you slam it down, the higher you go. Hey--just like drinking!

KINGS

Story Time: Once upon a time, a group of crows decided to play Kings. It was going well until that fucker Joey pulled a nine of clubs and everybody had to rhyme. The game never ended because all Joey could say was "Caw!" which of course rhymed quite well with Dwayne's "Caw!" which sounded just like Ernie's "Caw!" Rumor has it you can still hear crows playing this same game even today, flying around yelling "Caw!"

Caution: Kings not recommended for birds.

Players: Three or more. The more the merrier, and the drunker! Hooray!

Supplies: A fifty-two-card deck and one large cup on which to balance the cards. Or, just open the passed-out guy's mouth and lay the cards on top. If cards move due to breathing, use tape.

Beer: Various kinds of beer. Or vodka. Or wine. Or rum, gin, whiskey, spiked punch, schnapps, an alcoholic's blood sample, the sweat of a rock star, and so on.

Official Sport of Kings: Cricket. Although I think Kings has been sleeping with Ice Skating (way nicer tits).

Objective: There are no winners. Everybody just keeps drawing and drinking until the fourth king is drawn. You then apologize to the community for the illegible vandalism and fifteen choruses of "Wonder Wall" at 3: 30 A.M. Also, the Louis and Clark Memorial "was like that when you got there" (Note: Louis and Clark Memorial not like that when you got there; doggie style not yet invented).

Cracking the Crown: The game begins by spreading the cards out face down in a circle around the cup. Player One draws a card at random from the circle; each card has a different rule associated with it. These rules are highly disputed and frequently argued over, but I am here to put a stop to it. These are the official rules of Kings; however, there is an entirely different way to play the game that is slightly more crude and daring and awesome, and comes next as Kings II.

If the card you draw is a ...

2: It's for you. Choose somebody to drink one.

3: It's for me. Drink one.

4: It's for the floor. Last person to touch his head to the surface on which the cards lay drinks two. It is called "for the floor" because Kings was originally played by the Old Testament's now-famous Three Kings on their way to see Jesus. Watch as heads go slamming to the table--hilarious.

5: It's for guys. Whoever has a penis consumes one.

6: It's for chicks. Whoever does not have a penis consumes one.

7: Play Reach for Heaven. Last person to raise his drink to the sky drinks one. Watch as beer goes flying everywhere (white shirts on females recommended).

8: Play Pick a Date. Choose somebody: this person has to drink whenever you drink for the next ten turns, and vice versa.

9: Play Bust a Rhyme. You say a one-liner, ending with whatever word you want. You can't just say one word, like bar. The next person has to say a line--as if rapping--that also rhymes with the first player's line. Whoever doesn't rhyme or takes too long drinks two.

Rhyme example:

Player One: "My name is Steve and I'm so fine."

Player Two: "Steve takes it in the ass all the time."

Player Three: "Steve can't even hold down wine."

Crow: "Caw!"

Everybody: "Drink, Crow!" (Crow is drinking because Caw doesn't rhyme with wine and is only one word. Crow would drink for either of these reasons.)

10: Make a rule. Everybody must follow your rule. Popular examples follow.

J: Play Categories. The card drawer names a category, such as car companies, beer makers, sex positions, fallen communist leaders, etc., and each person after him must name something in that category without repeating or taking too long. This keeps going around the circle until someone messes up, at which time five drinks are rewarded.

Q: Play Questions. Look at someone and ask him a question. Players then go around asking one another questions in no particular order, except that you can't ask a question of the person who just asked you. Whoever answers or says anything other than a question drinks two and is made fun of.

Example of "questions:"

Spot: "How's it going, Robi?"

Robi: "Why is he asking me?" (looking at TheHamster)

TheHamster: "How are those herpes treating you?" (looking at Sarah)

Sarah: "Do I even know you?" (looking at JV)

JV: "Yeah, we robbed that liquor store yesterday."

Everyone: "Drink, JV!" (JV is drinking because he didn't ask a question, and because he is a complete moron.)

K: Play King's Cup. Pour as much as you want of your drink into the center cup. This could be beer, gin and tonic, vodka, or whatever else you happen to be drinking. Place the king on the rim of the cup. Whoever draws the fourth king drinks whatever is in the cup, the game ends, and you show him where the toilet is to puke.

A: Play Waterfall. The card drawer starts drinking, and everyone else starts drinking with him. No one can stop drinking until the person on his right stops. So, Player One, the drawer, would start drinking and everyone would follow suit. Only when he stops can Player Two stop, and only when Player Two stops can Player Three stop, and so on. Basically the last person gets screwed.

Stratagy:

• The game moves clockwise.

• Make sure everybody playing knows the rules and what they mean before you start, so you aren't all hammered and trying to explain what "Questions" is. Or just never explain and make them drink. Damn uneducated drunks ...

Some popular rules to make up when you draw a ten are:

The Thumb Master/Row Master/Head Master: You are the Thumb Master, and whenever you put your thumb so casually on the table, everybody else has to follow suit and the last person to do so drinks how ever much you decided when making the rule. Same thing with Row Master; begin to subtly row your imaginary canoe and the last one to follow drinks. Head Master is fucking hilarious: place your head on the table (not too hard!)and watch as everybody scrambles to slam his head down to the table.

The words drink, drank, and drunk cannot be said: Each is punishable by one drink. Or death. Whatever you like.

No real names: Give everybody a nickname based on something embarrassing about the person or something stupid that he did while blacked out. Like hook up with Shamu (sorry, Shane). Any saying of a real name results in one drink.

You you have have to to say say every every word word twice twice: Or or else else you you drink drink three three.

You may also use your ten to repeal a rule: You might do this if you become annoyed by the fact that you had to drink three because, when you slammed your head to the table, you only said, "Ouch," once.

KINGS II

Let Us Begin with a Lesson: Boobs are patient. Boobs are kind. Boobs do not get angry if you don't take them out to dinner. Boobs are always content with just being boobs. Sometimes boobs like to be squeezed. Sometimes boobs like to play in the sun. Boobs can take the place of a pillow. Boobs can file your taxes for you. Boobs always know who won the game. Boobs don't ask if you are drinking, they get you a drink. You can take boobs to the movies. Boobs can play football with you. If you misspell boob, you get Bob, and Bob is a cool guy. Boobs are perfect for whipped cream tequila shots. Boobs are patient. Boobs are kind. Boobs are good.

Players: Three or more people who don't get upset about degrading themselves

Supplies: A fifty-two-card deck, one cup

Beer: A drink that gets you drunk

Kings II's Favorite Quote: Kings II is currently on trial for assault charges and is unavailable to comment.

Objective: Everybody just keeps drawing cards until the fourth king is drawn. The winner is the first one to pass out. The prize is one less eyebrow to have to deal with.

Staging a Mutiny: The game begins by spreading the cards out face down in a circle around the cup. The first person draws a card at random from the circle; each card has a different rule associated with it. These rules are sometimes argued over, but seeing as I am the ultimate rule master, you will do whatever I say. And get me a Coke. These are the slightly more crude and daring rules. The official rules for regular Kings are listed one game back on pages 21--30.

If the card you draw is a ...

2: It's for "social!" Everybody drinks three.

3: It's for "balls!" and is confusing. So, the card drawer says, "One." Then, going clockwise, each person says the next number (two, three, four, five ... ). However, if the number is a multiple of seven or eleven, or has a seven in it such as thirty-seven, the person must yell, "Balls!" instead of the number, and then the circle changes direction. For example, the first person says, "One," the second says, "Two," and so on: 3, 4, 5, 6, balls! 8, 9, 10, balls! 12, 13, balls! 15, 16, balls! 18, 19, 20, balls! balls! 23, 24, etc. Whenever someone messes up, he drinks five. Keep going until, as a group, you get to fifty without messing up, or at least pretending you didn't.

4: It's for whores. Bitches, consume.

5: It's for "fuck." When this card is turned over, everyone must yell "Fuck!" Last one to do so drinks five.

6: It's for dicks. Dudes, lets make some bad decisions.

7: It's for blow jobs. Yes, blow jobs. The drawer needs to inform the group of either (a) how many people have given him blow jobs (for guys), or (b) how many guys she has given blow jobs to (for girls). However, he or she can choose to say either the truth or a lie, and it's up to the rest of the group to determine which it is. If the group is right the drawer drinks five, if the drawer fools them they each drink three.

8: Play Hate. Pick someone to start drinking; tell him when to start and also when to stop. However, if he finishes his drink before you say, "Stop," you have to finish yours. Here's the catch: your eyes must be closed.

9: Play Dare. You dare somebody to do something crazy, and if he doesn't, he drinks ten. Go wild with this one.

10: It's for text messaging. The player who draws this card must give his cell phone to the rest of the players, who get to send one text message to anyone they want in that person's phone book. Bosses, clients, and current partners are off limits, but ex-girlfriends, parents, or someone the player is trying to hook up with is always good for laughter and worry. If the player doesn't have a cell phone, he drinks five and everybody gets to make "Where have you been for the last decade?" jokes.

J: It's for sexual innuendo. The card drawer picks a category, such as golf. Everybody goes around in a circle making sexual innuendos, such as, "I've got a twelve-inch three wood back at my place you should come try out." Keep going until someone either can't think of one, takes too long, or his innuendo blows, such as, "Baby, I could drive your clit three hundred yards." And then seek mental help, you sick fuck.

Q: Play Ass on the Object. Don't question it. Before the game starts, as a group you choose an object (the neighbor's front door, a bedpost, somebody's face) and, whenever a queen is drawn, everybody races to put their naked ass on that object.Last one drinks four. If you easily get uncomfortable, the wall is a good choice because nobody's ass will come close to yours. If you have butt herpes ... well, that must suck.

K: Play King's Cup. If you draw a king, pour however much of your drink you want into the center cup; it doesn't matter what your drink is (vodka, gin, beer, etc.). Whoever draws the fourth king drinks it down. If he pukes or can't finish it, he drinks a full cup of whatever he has.

A: Play Insults. Each player goes in a circle insulting the person next to him, but can't use any real curse words (shit, fuck, damn, cunt, dick, chode-muncher, lawyer, New York Met, etc.). Think insults used by fourth graders or your little brother. First one to cuss, repeat, or take too long drinks three.

Other Rules about the Rules:

• The game moves clockwise.

• Explain the rules beforehand so you aren't all hammered while trying to explain what "Balls!" is.

Quick Reminder About Boobs: Boobs, in every respect, are good for mankind. They bring nourishment to babies, attention to emotionally unstable women, and boners to preadolescent boys. However, since we all know the mind of a drunken male is roughly that of a twelve-year-old, he is naturally drawn to the breast region of the female figure, delighting in its warm squishiness. Females, on the other hand, need a way to control these drunken boys, and boobies are just the way to do it. No need to read up on the forty-eight laws of power or increase your knowledge of the local football team, just push up those oddly attractive lumps of fatty tissue and come drink our beer!

SPOONS

Why Do We Play Spoons? Spoons, as we all know, are in second place to forks in the "2008 Utensil Importance Cup." This is a problem because forks, as you also know, are communists. If forks win the Cup, the entire utensil world will be turned upside down. Placings in the Cup are judged by usage of the utensil, so the more we all use spoons, the better the chance they have of being the most important utensil in 2008! The drinking game Spoons is a great way to help out, so do your part and save the utensil world from those damn communist forks!

Players: Three to thirteen. If you have more than thirteen players, you'll run out of cards. And get chlamydia.

Supplies:

• One spoon for each player ... minus one (if five people are playing, get four spoons)

• A fifty-two-card deck of cards

• A round table. King Arthur style, baby.

Beer: If you're not good with cards, a case should do. If you are good with cards, a case should do.

Spoons--A Metaphor for Life: We love spoons because they're curvy, and curves are good, useful, and well rounded: just like life should be. A knife is too straight and mundane, and a fork is too spread out and undecidedly lost among three or four lifestyles. So be like a spoon and create some curves in your own life, possibly by using a spoon to get those last few ounces of spiked punch into your drink.

Objective: To keep passing cards around until you get four of a kind, and then grab a spoon before anyone else does. Don't be left without a spoon!

Basics of Spooning: Everybody sits around a table within arm's reach of the people on either side. Set the spoons in the very middle of the table, close enough so that everybody can reach one. Do not face any of them toward anybody in particular, because one person would not have one facing him, as you should have one less spoon than there are players. Everybody takes turns being the dealer because he will decide the speed of the game as well as the number of drinks the loser and the semilosers will drink, which he must decide before the game begins (I'll explain "semiloser" later). The dealer passes out four cards to each player including himself and sets the deck just to the right of him.

Remember, the object is to get four of the same card in your four-card hand.

So, the dealer draws a card, giving him five, and then slides one over--face down--to the player on his left. The dealer keeps drawing cards one at a time and then sliding one over to the player on his left. He can go as fast or as slow as he wants, thus deciding the tempo of the game.

The player on the dealer's left, who was slid the card the dealer didn't want, takes it into his hand as his fifth card, then slides the one he doesn't want to the player on his left. Each player does the same thing, picking up and sliding cards, until the last player, on the right of the dealer, simply makes a new stack of cards next to the deck the dealer is drawing from.

This continues until somebody, through cycling cards in and out, gets four of a kind. The player to get four of the same card first picks up a spoon. When all the others see that someone grabbed a spoon, they make a mad dash to grab the remainders. The player left without a spoon is the loser, and the players who have a spoon but didn't get four of a kind are the semilosers. The semilosers drink half as much as the loser drinks. For instance, if the dealer decided prior to the game that the loser will drink ten drinks, the semilosers all drink five. They are semilosers because, although they got a spoon, they weren't good enough to get four of a kind first. This is to make sure players don't just sit around until they see someone grab a spoon.

There is no reason the dealer can't be the loser or a semiloser. He just has an advantage by seeing the new cards before the others, and cheating whenever possible.

If two people get four of a kind and grab a spoon at the same time, either vote to see who was the fastest, or just say they are both winners or both semilosers.

If you go through the whole deck and nobody has gotten four of a kind yet, start using the deck that the person to the right of the dealer was building. Also, if you make through the entire deck and nobody's gotten four of a kind, try playing Go Fish; it's probably more your caliber.

Alex's Moderately Fun Variations:

• If you get four of a kind first, try to grab a spoon as subtly as possible so no one notices and pretend to keep playing and laugh to yourself as they all try to win even though they're already at least semilosers. That, or grab the spoon and start whacking people with it. I mean, why not?

• If you all think you're all really good (P.S. you aren't), try to play with two less spoons than there are players and have two full losers and fewer semilosers.

• Caution--only for the hard core: One spoon. One winner. Drink up, losers.

Alex's Super-Happy Fun-Time Variation: Change the game's name to Beers and replace the spoons with unopened cans of your favorite booze. The first person to get four of a kind grabs a beer, opens it, and starts chugging. When the others see this, they grab the remaining beers and do the same. This way, if you're a champion chugger, you can still be the winner even if you didn't get four of a kind. The loser who didn't get a beer is in charge of replenishment.

THREE MAN

Booze Slogans!!!

Tequila: Relieving guys the hassle of trying to get a girl's clothes off.

Whiskey: Taking the place of painful memories since 1405.

Drinking Games: Because "eighteen games of Beer Pong" is an excuse for anything.

Alcoholism: The only word that doesn't exist before age twenty-four.

Players: As many as you want. Seriously, the more the better, as long as you don't get easily distracted by all the side chatter and cleavage.

Supplies:

• Two dice

• Something to roll the dice onto

Beer: I'd say just one twenty-four-case, but since the game is called Three Man ...

Objective: There's no objective; you just roll the dice and drink. There's also no winning or losing, unless you consider drinking a lot winning, in which case you'll be the gold medalist of a lifetime. (Note: Gold medals do not prevent whiskey dick.)

Get Your Roll On: Everybody sits around a table and take turns rolling both dice at the same time. If your roll makes someone drink, you keep rolling. To make somebody drink you have to roll, with the two dice combined, five, seven, eleven, or doubles, or have either die be a three.

It's called Three Man because every time somebody rolls thedice and one or both of them are a three, the Three Man drinks one. You become the Three Man by rolling, with the two dice, a two and a one. If you add those together, it makes three. You are now the Three Man. Congratulations. We'll start pooling bail money in the morning.

There is, of course, a fun and random song you all have to make up before the game starts, and whenever there is a new Three Man, you all must drunkenly belt it out. It should involve a Neanderthal melody and clapping. You can also only use the following words: da, na, and HEY! for the ending. Good luck with that.

If you roll doubles, you get to hand out the dice to other players to roll. You can give both to the same person or one to each. They then roll these, and drink whatever they roll. However, if they roll doubles, you then have to roll both dice again and drink double whatever you roll. Unless of course you roll doubles again, thus making them roll and drink triple whatever they roll. You get the idea.

Your turn keeps going as long as you make somebody drink with each roll. This includes if doubles come back to you. If you get to five rolls in a row (each making somebody drink), you get to make a rule that must be followed for the rest of the game. Like, "You have to grab your crotch whenever you drink or you lose an article of clothing." Or whatever.

This is how the rest of the rolls work:

1 and 1: Doubles

2 and 1: You are the new Three Man. Everybody sings but you. Now drink up, Three Man!

2 and 2: Doubles

3 and 1: The Three Man drinks.

3 and 2: (5 to the right) The person to your right drinks one. The Three Man also drinks.

4 and 1: (5 to the right)

3 and 3: Doubles. Also, Three Man drinks two. It's funny to also give the Three Man the dice to roll because he is the Three Man and is therefore only eligible for certain basic human rights.

4 and 2: Nothing. Pass the die.

5 and 1: Nothing. Pass the die.

6 and 1: (7 to the left) The person to your left drinks one.

5 and 2: (7 to the left)

4 and 3: (7 to the left) Also, the Three Man drinks one.

4 and 4: Doubles

5 and 3: Three Man

6 and 2: Nothing. Pass the die.

5 and 4: Nothing. You suck.

6 and 3: Three Man

5 and 5: Doubles

6 and 4: Nothing. Learn how to roll, douche bag.

5 and 6: Choose someone to drink one.

6 and 6: Do I really need to say what happens here?

Most Likely Dumb Ideas by Alex:

• It's fun if everybody teams up against one person and watches him get faded and pass out and then paint his face like a Ninja Turtle. It's also fun to try to secretly plan things with someone else right under everyone else's nose, like a bank heist or occupation of a third-world country.

• Have a Three Man "hat" with something embarrassing or insulting written on it. All the more reason to not want to be the Three Man. Empty eighteen-packs work well, and can also be lit on fire (by the way).

• If you're daring or nobody's getting drunk fast enough, make a Four Man. Or just double the amount that everyone has to drink. Or inject your veins with rum--but be careful: having a Four Man could be dangerous.

Sing Along! "Da na na dada na na dada na na da na na na da na na--(CLAP!)--da na na na dada na na dada na na da na na na da na na na na--HEY!"

QUARTERS

Why Not Nickels? Nickels suck. Pennies are cool because they are the absolute smallest American currency and are fun to flick at people. Dimes are just valuable enough to be worth keeping, and quarters are easy to bounce and start the laundry. Nickels are worth too little to carry them around, are unreasonably thick, and ever since 7-Eleven got rid of five-cent candies, they have become completely worthless.

Players: Three or more. Let's not try to get more than ten, though. I mean, come on.

Supplies:

• One quarter

• A cup. The bigger the cup, the greater the challenge (and the bragging rights).

• Tenacity, which Webster helpfully reminds us is, "The quality of being tenacious"

Beer: Just like my old kindergarten teacher used to say, "Drinking is sharing, especially if it gets you laid." Heeding her simple mantra, let's all pitch in some booze and never let our liver get used to any one kind of drink.

Objective: To bounce the quarter into the cup. Nothing funny here.

Starting the Laundry: The only game more simple than Quarters is "1-2-3 Drink," where people take turns saying, "One, two, three, drink," and then drinking a drink on "three." That game, though, is reserved for moments of severe desperation, like when the voices in your head say you need to reach a blood alcohol contentof 0.15 percent in sixty seconds or they'll start punching your brain and singing Ted Nugent. But you've all been there; no need to explain that.

Anyway, fill the chosen cup halfway with beer or another alcoholic drink. Sit around a table and take turns trying to bounce the quarter off the table and into the cup (see illustration on page 26 for how to best bounce a quarter). If you make the quarter in, you choose somebody to chug down the cup-o-joy, and then get both the cup and quarter back for another bounce. If you miss the cup, you pass the quarter to the next person for his turn. If you make it in five times in a row, you can make a rule, and should also get a larger cup.

Of course I have other suggestions; I wrote the fucking book ... Unless you're a goldfish in the body of a human, you will learn how to bounce a quarter fairly well in about three minutes. Therefore, you should either (a) start playing with a dime and graduated cylinder, or (b) try out some of my super-excellent ideas, four of which I slowly typed below:

• Play with a dime and graduated cylinder. Yes, this counts as one of them.

• Bank Shot: This is where the quarter must always be banked off something before landing in the cup. However you make it in, the person you decide to slide the cup to has to make it in the same way. It's like playing H-O-R-S-E but only going to H. Popular examples of bank shots include:

• Off the wall and into the cup

• Off your well-positioned forehead

• Off a beer bottle

• Off the ceiling (yes, it's possible)

• Double Quarters: Players take turns bouncing until they make both of them in. If the quarters are touching each other at thebottom of the glass, the player gets to hand it to someone to drink. If the quarters are not touching, the player gets to drink it down himself. If the quarters are on top of each other, tackle someone.

• Q-U-A-R-T-E-R-S: Bust out the trick shots and go in an order just as you would while playing the basketball game H-O-R-S-E. Each time you get a letter, you arrange for the glass's interior contents to meet your stomach. My favorite shot? The Double Butt Cheek Squeeze-and-Bounce.

Fine, one more ...

• Quarter Basketball: Create the outline of a basketball court, using masking tape. Set up two cups on books at either end. Divide into two teams. The teams take turns bouncing the quarter down the court, getting four bounces per turn, trying to get the quarter into the cup, thus scoring two points. Make a three-point line. Reward free throws if the other team commits a (party) foul. For each point scored against you, drink one.

BULL MOOSE

Family History: The little-known cousin of Bull Moose, Bull Cow, is filing charges against her younger cousin for copyright infringement, claiming Bull Moose stole her bouncing quarters into an ice tray idea. Moose says this is bullshit.

Players: Three or more. You can practice on your own, but some call this alcoholism.

Supplies:

• A tall cup or small bucket

• A quarter

• A regular ice tray

Beer: Enough to make you use those moose antlers on your Uncle Herbert's wall for potentially illegal or sexually graphic purposes. And to buy a video camera and stamps to send the footage to Alex Bash.

Moose's Motives: Bounce the quarter into the highest slot possible in the left side of the ice tray, but not into the bucket. Unless you're trying to get "rammed by the bull" (a.k.a. "hammered"--clever, huh?).

Bull's Basics: Set up the ice tray so it's leaning on the bucket just like a ladder leans on a house, or a sloshed incoming freshmen leans on a senior. Each player takes turns trying to bounce the quarter into the ice tray (see illustration on page 26 for how to best bounce a quarter). If you don't get the quarter into one of the slots in the ice tray for whatever reason, you drink three, pass the quarter along, and slide the tray over so it's facing the next player.

If you get it into one of the ice cube slots on the left, you get to hand out that many drinks to whomever you want. The slots are numbered like this: the lowest slot closest to the table is worth one, the next highest is two, then three ... the highest one is worth seven (usually). You can also split up the drinks between people. For example, if you make it into the sixth-highest slot on the left, you could hand out three drinks to Bob and three to Joe. Or, more realistically, three to Bob's sober self and three to his soon-to-be-drunk-because-he-has-no-tolerance self.

If you make it into a slot on the right, you drink the amount it's worth (the drinks are the same as the left side). You only get one bounce per turn unless nobody is paying attention, in which case you should practice your dunking skills.

If you make it into the highest slot on either side, not only do you get to either hand out or drink seven, you also make a rule that everybody must follow for the rest of the game. If you are trying for the highest slot to make a rule and overbounce the quarter into the bucket, you must finish your whole drink, you egotistical jerk.

The whole reason the game is called Bull Moose is because when the quarter goes into either of the top two ice cube slots, everybody has to put both their hands on their head imitating a moose's antlers and yell, "Bull moose!" Don't ask why. Just accept it. The last one to do so drinks five big ones.

Rules in this game are hilarious because everybody is always so focused on the ice cube tray that no one follows them. Call them out on them as often as possible. Even you, Bull Cow--I don't care what your lawyers say.

Supplemental Materials

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Excerpts

Introduction

Warning/Last Chance to Call and Apologize to Your Girlfriend in Advance

BOOZE, BOOZE, BOOZE… the social glue that brings together people from all walks of life for the common purpose of making a complete ass of themselves. But rest assured, we’re having a really, really good time doing it. Yes, our friends may have claimed they didn’t know us as we bared our ass to the line of moviegoers from the sunroof of the limousine and, yes, we may have charges pressed against us for public urination and getting the monkeys drunk, but no one—not even our parole officers—can take away the surprisingly forgettable memories we created.

So what exactly do you do when you wake up in an unfamiliar neighborhood, handcuffed to a fire hydrant, clothed in nothing but socks and pink nail polish, your hand clutching a stained legal document… written in French? Celebrate! You just had a great night! And to think: it all started with The Imbible: Drinking Games for Times You’ll Never Remember with Friends You’ll Never Forget.

With this book, you’ll acquire a vast body of blurry memories full of drunken adventures, hangover remedies, sloshed sexual encounters, and several new cell phones, which you will want to get anyway after your old one tested positive for syphilis. Do not worry, this happens.

From my own hazy recollections of nights long past I have realized twenty key lessons I wish to pass along so you don’t wake up at fifty wishing you’d heard a drunken duck quack. It’s what midlife crises are made of.

1. Boobs are your friend.

2. You should never attempt to drunkenly surf on top of a car while juggling flaming dildos unless there are at least four cameras rolling or else you’ll get peer-pressured into doing it again. Luckily, you won’t have that pesky limb to deal with this time.

3. Yes, trees drink the liquid that’s in the ground around them; no, you cannot get them drunk; yes, it would be fucking hilarious.

4. No one cares about how much you’ve drunk except the doctor pumping your stomach.

5. Unless it’s a road sign that says Speed Hump, it’s not worth stealing.

6. If you ask your friend if he thinks that girl in pink looks like a man but he doesn’t hear you and then asks if you think that guy in pink looks like a girl—run.

7. Guys: if you’re worried about whiskey dick and don’t mind the ensuing spam, you can order Viagra from Canada. Not 100 percent to do with drinking, but worth mentioning.

8. Girls: No one cares about your ex-boyfriend except the psychologist you need to call.

9. You cannot put plastic in the oven. You cannot put plastic in the oven. You cannot put plastic in the oven. You cannot put plastic in the oven.

10. Girls who "forgot" their ID are sixteen. Guys who "forgot" their ID got it suspended after their third DUI.

11. You will never catch a squirrel. Yes, I know it sounds fun, but stick to ducks.

12. Note from my doctor: "Unfortunately, Mr. Bash, drinking from five different cases of beer is not diversifying your diet; you are still missing vodka, rum, whiskey, wine, gin, and a large pizza."

13. Gentlemen: you cannot drink yourself sterile. Now go make those phone calls.

14. If you wake up in a G-string with a bunch of one-dollar bills surrounding your crotch and have no recollection of how it happened, you are awesome. Don’t let anybody ever tell you otherwise. Not even the judge.

15. Alcohol is not self-cleaning. I know. I am sorry. I cried, too.

16. If you piss yourself, do not take off your pants and try to dry them helicopter style. Your newly exposed balls will be in serious jeopardy.

17. Drinking faster than your brain can develop a sense of rationality: the best thing since beer-bonging.

18. Contrary to popular belief, you still feel pain while drunk. Oh, and taking an overly ripened orange to the balls from a water-balloon launcher… not a good idea.

19. While playing Beer Pong, the amount guys let girls lean over the table is directly proportional to how much cleavage they’re showing.

20. Lastly, every awesome memory I have (or have been reminded of) began with a solid night of drinking games.

Drinking games have a long and illustrious history, beginning in the thirteenth century BC, when King Tut realized the people of his nation needed something to break up the monotony of their miserable lives, which had so far been spent growing out their goatees and starving to death. Tut attacked this plague of boredom by imbibing massive quantities of beer and falling out of a window. This fun (but primitive) pastime caught on and soon became popular with the masses.

Shortly thereafter, the practice of drunken debauchery was improved upon by the creation of less painful drinking games, such as Thumper!, Beer Pong, and Flip Cup, often looked upon as defining moments in the history of Western civilization. During the Middle Ages, the perfection of such games served as indisputable evidence for the existence of God.

Drinking games have been right there with us ever since:

• William Shakespeare played so much Beer Die that all he could write were made-up words in his own nonsense language.

• Although the evidence was suppressed by the Warren Commission, highly placed sources within the Central Intelligence Agency will one day reveal that the assassination of President John F. Kennedy was the direct result of a game of Asshole gone terribly, terribly wrong.

• Scholars now believe the fall of the Soviet Union was not due to the collapse of the Russian economy but to the infamous game of Quarters that took place at the 1986 Reykjavik Summit between Mikhail Gorbachev and Ronald Reagan.

Not only have drinking games shaped the past, but I also have evidence that they can help us stay healthy, rich, and happy. Several scientific studies that I unfortunately forgot to cite have also bolstered the need to play more drinking games:

• In a number of controlled studies, scientists wearing long white coats and thick glasses determined that if we drink one liter of water a day for a year, we will ingest one kilo of Escherichia coli, known to the scientific community as "poop." Lesson: It’s better to drink turd-free beer and act stupid than to drink water and be full of shit.

• Numerous studies done by old white men with acronyms after their names concluded that people who drink alcohol earn 10 to 14 percent more annually because they’re out networking, occasionally sleeping with their boss, and robbing banks when blacked out. Cheers to an early retirement! (No but, seriously, they do earn more.)

• Another study conducted by my friend’s wealthy stepdad showed that playing drinking games with your wife and seeing who can sign his or her name faster on the prenuptial agreement unimportant random piece of paper can make you a lot richer happier.

• One final study conducted by myself observed how much fun people had when they played drinking games versus when they poked themselves in the eye repeatedly with a crude gardening implement. My results don’t lie: drinking games are exceptionally fun—hell, even my newly blind friends enjoy them!

Despite those excellent bullet points, some people despise alcohol because they feel trapped by alcoholism. I, on the other hand, am trapped by realityism. Answer me this: does being drunk suck? No. Does reality suck? Sometimes. So now we have this: drunk=not sucking, reality=kind of sucking. This is the same difference between a million dollars and a leech: a million dollars does not suck, a leech does. So what’s it gonna be, riches or leeches? I’ve made my point.

Then there are people who think drinking alcohol is bad for you. This could not be further from the truth. They say it hurts your liver. Well, let me ask them this: How do you get stronger muscles? By working them out, then letting them rest. This is why we work our liver six days a week, then let it recover on Wednesday. Our livers could kick their liver’s ass!

These health freaks also must not have heard how good red wine is for the heart because I still see them running on treadmills—suckers! As soon as this book falls into the hands of the surgeon general, expect the cardio side of the gym to be lined with wine tastings and, instead of water fountains, there’ll be barrels of wine! Just place your cup under the tap, and bam! heart-saving French Burgundy spills out. Scared that you’ll drop a dumbbell on yourself after too much heart-juice? Just stop using weights, too! See, the heart pumps blood through your entire body, including your muscles, so the healthier your heart gets, the more blood it will pump through your muscles, which is the whole point of using free weights in the first place, right? Instead of spending thirty minutes a day pounding out reps, spend that time pounding back red.

If you’re not out there strengthening your heart and liver just yet, then I have one last bit of advice to share, which I received from a certified personal trainer (seriously): "To really tone your muscles, you need to work those little ‘stabilizer’ muscles that large movements and classic lifts don’t work."

This used to be an experts-only piece of information, but new studies show that the body works the stabilizer muscles best when done naturally, so they suggest that at least three times a week you walk to a bar, drink yourself into a state of intoxication rivaling a coma, and then stumble your way home. He continued… "The amount of balance you’ll need to make it home will be more than enough to work even the tiniest of stabilizer muscles, and the hour you spend trying to call your ex-girlfriend will keep your fingers nice and nimble."

At least that’s how I heard it.

Reading this book and heeding its advice can also take the place of meditation and spirituality. When you drink, your mind relaxes itself and many subconscious thoughts you don’t even realize are there come to the front of your mind. These sublevel feelings may be the sudden desire to get naked and act out "I’m a Little Teapot," declare your love for an inanimate object, fight your neighbor’s prized roses, or even cry from your repressed anger over the season finale of Grey’s Anatomy. Sometimes you even speak your own language that no one else can understand— try doing that in some Tibetan temple! Ha!

Not only do you get in touch with yourself while drunk, but you get in touch with the world around you. Usually you don’t even notice how hard the earth is working to stay in orbit, but after a three-hour Chumbawumba marathon, you can really feel the force of the world spinning at 66,600 miles an hour as you continually fall over (who could stay balanced at that speed!?). Ever kissed the grass while sober? How about hugged a bush? I can honestly say the only time my lips have purposely come in contact with Father Earth was while intoxicated; we’ve been closer ever since.

If you start to use this book more often than you think you should, relax—you’re not an alcoholic; you just enjoy imbibing large amounts of alcohol on a frequent basis to further your enjoyment of daily activities. Also, you don’t go to meetings to talk about booze, unless you choose "beer brands" for the "categories" card drawn in Kings.

Please, for the sake of increasing the world’s good times per capita, take a gander at my favorite drinking games and turn your night of crying and masturbation into an alcohol-soaked receipt from the San Diego Zoo, Beer Pong with the mayor’s daughter, and an expensive bar tab covered in phone numbers you will never call.

So locate your pants, polish off that twelve-pack, and prepare to embark on a journey you will most likely never tell your spouse.

Oh, and before we begin, I have a few things to say…
1. Although explaining jokes and clever comments relieves them of their humor, I get asked so often that I really must: imbibe means "to drink." Thus, this book is the bible (set of rules) for imbibing (drinking). It’s clever. Shut up.

2. When a game refers to a "drink," as in "drink three for being a moron," it does not mean you must drink three beers. A drink is basically a gulp, but be sure to adjust this for what you’re drinking. For example, if you’re drinking Bud Light and you have to drink fifteen, drink all of them; it’ll be, like, one beer. But if you’re shooting straight rum like a champ bound for cirrhosis, then I wouldn’t recommend it. However, if someone chooses to waive my expert advice, get the Sharpies ready and practice drawing genitalia on an uneven surface.

3. When explaining games, I will almost always use he, his, and him. I’m not sexist, but typing he or she or his or her all the time is really fucking annoying. That, and I really don’t care.

4. I am not responsible for any pain or trouble you get yourself into. If you get an MIP, DUI, arrested, injured, herpes, married to your favorite sofa cushion, or do anything involving an illegally imported Komodo dragon, I am not sorry, but you should e-mail me to party if you’re ever in Seattle. (Seriously: alexbash1@gmail.com.)

5. Lastly, if you are not of legal drinking age, you should try to not get caught drinking alcohol, be an incredibly fast runner, or have a really kick-ass fake ID.

Excerpted from The Imbible by Alex Bash.

Published in 2008 by St. Martin’s Press

All rights reserved. This work is protected under copyright laws and reproduction is strictly prohibited. Permission to reproduce the material in any manner or medium must be secured from the Publisher.

Excerpted from The Imbible: Drinking Games for Times You'll Never Remember with Friends You'll Never Forget by Alex Daniel Bash
All rights reserved by the original copyright owners. Excerpts are provided for display purposes only and may not be reproduced, reprinted or distributed without the written permission of the publisher.

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The Imbible Drinking Games for Times You'll Never Remember with Friends You'll Never Forget

0312382294

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