"Mom, Dad, we have to talk..." For all the times you're confronted with a complex or painful situation with someone close to you, here's the book that tells you exactly what to say and how to say it. And it will help you navigate smoothly through what could be an extremely stressful talk. Using the same tested formula from the bestselling Lifescripts, and organized into five sections -- Parents, Siblings, Children, Spouses, and Friends -- each of these 101 scripts includes a dialogue flowchart and a list of topics that touch on your attitude, timing, preparation, and behavior. Whether you're asking your parent for a loan, confronting your brother about his drinking problem, turning down a child's request, asking your spouse for a divorce or separation, discussing funeral planning with a parent, or bringing up your sibling's bad manners, this book will give you everything you need to say...and help keep the peace in the family.

Erik Kolbell is an ordained minister and practicing psychotherapist in New York City. The co-author of three books, he has also written for The New York Times.

Preface: The Secret of Lifescripts

xvii

Introduction: Why Is It So Hard for Us to Talk to One Another?

xxi

A Word on Gender

xxvii

part 1 Lifescripts for talking to parents

Suggesting to a Parent That He Shouldn't Drive Anymore

3

(4)

Revealing That You Have a Drinking or Drug Problem

7

(4)

Announcing Plans to Have a Child

11

(4)

Announcing a Religious Conversion

15

(6)

Revealing Your Sexuality

21

(6)

Revealing That Your Marriage Is Breaking Up

27

(4)

Confronting a Parent about His Drug Problem

31

(4)

Announcing That You Won't Be Home for the Holidays

35

(4)

Revealing an Impending Move Far Away

39

(4)

Announcing Plans Not to Have Children

43

(4)

Revealing That You've Lost Your Job

47

(4)

Revealing That You Have a Serious Illness

51

(6)

Asking a Parent for a Substantial Loan

57

(4)

Asking to Temporarily Move Back into Your Parents' Home

61

(4)

Requesting That a Parent Move Out of Your Home

65

(6)

Suggesting That a Parent Get Psychological Counseling

71

(4)

Confronting Actions That Undermine Your Parental Authority

75

(6)

Confronting a Parent's Inappropriate Treatment of Your Spouse

81

(4)

Expressing Fears about a Parent's Health

85

(6)

Bringing Up a Parent's Bad Hygiene

91

(4)

Turning Down a Parent's Request for a Loan

95

(4)

Bringing Up a Parent's Bad Manners

99

(4)

Asking about a Parent's Estate/Living Will Plans

103

(4)

Discussing Funeral Planning with a Parent

107

(4)

Trying to Stop a Parent's Foolish Action

111

(6)

Announcing the Adoption of a Child

117

(4)

Asking a Parent for Child Care Help

121

(6)

part 2 Lifescripts for siblings

Announcing That You Can't Attend a Sibling's Wedding

127

(4)

Confronting a Sibling about His Drinking or Drug Problem

131

(6)

Asking a Sibling to Drive More Safely

137

(4)

Bringing Up a Niece's or Nephew's Bad Behavior

141

(6)

Bringing Up a Brother- or Sister-in-law's Bad Behavior

147

(4)

Confronting a Sibling's Actions That Undermine Your Parental Authority

151

(4)

Confronting a Sibling's Inappropriate Treatment of Your Spouse

155

(4)

Stopping a Sibling's Comments about Your Weight

159

(4)

Bringing Up a Sibling's Bad Hygiene

163

(4)

Expressing Fears about a Sibling's Health

167

(4)

Discussing Division of a Parent's Estate with a Sibling

171

(4)

Discussing Division of a Parent's Financial Obligations with a Sibling

175

(6)

part 3 Lifescripts for talking to children

Informing a Young Child That Your Marriage Is Ending

181

(4)

Telling a Child about a Relative's Serious Illness

185

(4)

Telling a Child about a Relative's Death

189

(6)

Telling a Child about Her Own Serious Illness

195

(4)

Discussing Potentially Damaging Relationships

199

(6)

Discussing a Child's Trouble with Schoolwork

205

(6)

Talking to a Child about Birth Control

211

(4)

Discussing a Child's Inappropriate Clothing or Appearance

215

(4)

Asking a Child about Potential Shoplifting

219

(4)

Criticizing One Child's Treatment of Another

223

(4)

Telling a Child to Clean Up Her Room

227

(4)

Telling a Child He Is Grounded

231

(4)

Turning Down a Child's Request

235

(4)

Criticizing a Child's Work on Chores

239

(4)

Bringing Up a Child's Bad Hygiene

243

(4)

Bringing Up a Child's Bad Manners

247

(4)

Talking with Your Child about Sex

251

(4)

Trying to Stop a Child's Foolish Action

255

(6)

Talking with Your Child about Drugs

261

(8)

part 4 Lifescripts for talking to adult children

Requesting That an Adult Child Move out of Your House

269

(4)

Questioning an Adult Child's Pending Second Marriage

273

(4)

Turning Down an Adult Child's Request for Child Care Help

277

(4)

Criticizing an Adult Child's Driving

281

(4)

Turning Down an Adult Child's Request for a Loan

285

(4)

Confronting a (Young Adult) Child about His Drinking or Drug Problem

289

(6)

part 5 Lifescripts for spouses

Telling Your Spouse You've Just Lost Your Job

295

(4)

Suggesting That a Spouse Get Psychological Counseling

299

(4)

Criticizing a Spouse's Spending Habits

303

(4)

Bringing Up a Pet Peeve with a Spouse

307

(4)

Bringing Up a Spouse's Weight Problem

311

(4)

Ending a Spouse's Chronic Lateness

315

(4)

Asking for More Input from a Spouse on Decision Making

319

(4)

Debating Interfamily Loans with a Spouse

323

(4)

Debating In-Law Care with a Spouse

327

(4)

Debating Relocation with a Spouse

331

(4)

Asking a Spouse for a More Active Social Life

335

(4)

Asking a Spouse for More Romantic Behavior

339

(4)

Discussing a Spouse's Workaholism

343

(4)

Discussing Potential Parenthood with a Spouse

347

(4)

Debating Household Chores with a Spouse

351

(4)

Asking for a Divorce

355

(4)

Asking for a Prenuptial Agreement

359

(4)

Criticizing a Spouse's Child Care

363

(4)

Confronting Actions That Undermine Your Parental Authority

367

(4)

Confronting Inappropriate Treatment of Parents

371

(4)

Bringing Up a Spouse's Bad Hygiene

375

(4)

Bringing Up a Spouse's Bad Manners

379

(4)

Expressing Fears about a Spouse's Health

383

(6)

part 6 Lifescripts for friends

Explaining That You Don't Like Unplanned Visits

389

(4)

Turning Down a Friend's Request to Be in Your Bridal Party

393

(4)

Telling a Friend He Can't Bring His Child with Him to a Party

397

(4)

Asking a Friend to Repay an Outstanding Loan

401

(4)

Asking a Friend for a Substantial Loan

405

(4)

Suggesting That a Friend Get Psychological Counseling

409

(4)

Asking a Friend to Drive More Safely

413

(4)

Deflecting a Friend's Inappropriate Personal Questions

417

(4)

Deflecting a Friend's Inappropriate Personal Conversations

421

(4)

Confronting a Friend's Inappropriate Treatment of His Spouse

425

(4)

Bringing Up a Friend's Bad Hygiene

429

(4)

Bringing Up a Friend's Inappropriate Attire

433

(4)

Trying to Stop a Friend's Foolish Action

437

(4)

Turning Down a Friend's Request for a Loan

441

What is included with this book?

The New copy of this book will include any supplemental materials advertised. Please check the title of the book to determine if it should include any access cards, study guides, lab manuals, CDs, etc.

The Used, Rental and eBook copies of this book are not guaranteed to include any supplemental materials. Typically, only the book itself is included. This is true even if the title states it includes any access cards, study guides, lab manuals, CDs, etc.

Chapter One: Suggesting to a Parent That He Shouldn't Drive Anymore

strategy

No parent wants to hand over the keys to the car once and for all. To do so not only limits their mobility but serves as a not-too-gentle reminder that as they age they will have to depend more and more on others to do the things they used to be able to do for themselves. It can leave them feeling demeaned and demoralized, as if they're little kids who have just had their favorite toys taken away. So when you think it might be in a parent's best interest to stop driving, try to do so by emphasizing three things. First, you're not drawing your own conclusion about his ability to drive, you're simply asking that he consult his doctor. Second, you're not accusing him of driving poorly, you're merely observing that it may be getting more difficult to steer clear of drivers who do. And third, you're acknowledging his need to maintain his active life and reinforcing the idea that there are other ways to ensure that he'll always be able to get around town with ease.

tactics

Attitude: Be exceedingly respectful while at the same time stressing that this is something that needs to be looked into.
Preparation: Numerous articles have been written on the subject. Read one or two, and if possible be prepared to cite an authority who is your parent's age or older. Also, research transportation alternatives that include shuttle buses for older adults, mass transit, and volunteers (including family members).
Timing: Try holding this conversation just prior to your parent's next scheduled appointment with his physician.
Behavior: Remain calm and firm, and keep the conversation from getting personal. Stress that this is a fact of life that all of us will face at some point, and the real issue is not whether or not the parent should drive but how best he can now get to wherever he wants to go.

adaptations

This lifescript can be adapted to suggest to a parent that he should no longer be preparing his own meals, or that he should consider having part-time home health care.

key points

Don't make this a referendum on your parent's driving ability.
Stress your concern for his safety in the face of reckless drivers on the road.
Affirm his need to be mobile and as independent as possible. Offer to help with this.
Don't let him defer the question to some vague time in the future.
Remember you're not yet asking him to give his keys up; you're merely asking him to speak with his doctor.
Try to go with him when he sees the doctor.