To the Manner Born : A Most Proper Guide to Modern Civility

by BLAIKIE, THOMAS

• ISBN13: 9780812976595
• ISBN10: 0812976592
• Format: Hardcover
• Copyright: 2006-10-10
• Publisher: Villard

Summary

Your friends neglect to RSVP to your party invitation . . . co-workers munch their pungent meals near your office . . . pedestrians shout into their cell phones and practically knock you to the pavement. Wishing that friends, family, colleagues, and oblivious strangers would mind their manners is lovely, but what about your own? You don't mean to be rude, but in today's carefree, high-tech, fast-paced world, how are you supposed to know what to do? Thankfully, Englishman Thomas Blaikie's witty and insightful guide will help you steer through this minefield of uncertainty and back onto the path toward civilitywithout a lot of fuss and bother. No need to worry about the proper way to eat soup or which is the salad fork. What Blaikie teaches you is more important: how and when to drop in on a friend, how to turn down suitors graciously, how to "move on" at a party, how to end a text-message conversation that's gone on just a bit too long, and how to cope with myriad other twenty-first-century social traumas. Always positive and cheerful,To the Manner Bornoffers commonsense, practical solutions. And if you don't like someone else's manners, yes, you really should try to do something about itin the nicest way possible, of course. "Thomas Blaikie is the perfect guide through the treacherous minefield of contemporary social mores: witty, amusingly abstruse, stylish and most importantly knowledgeable." Will Self, author ofCock and Bull "If everyone followed the rules of this book, well, I would certainly go out more. It is packed with good sense, sharp observation, and genuine helpfulness." Lynne Truss, author ofEats, Shoots & Leaves

Table of Contents

Introduction	p. xv
Manners in Public	p. 3
Where to Begin?: "Good Morning," "Thank You," Pushing, and Shoving-Among Other Things
Children
Get a Move On: ATMs and Checkouts
Munch as You Go and What's That Smell?
May I Have Your Seat?
Not Satisfied
Tipping
At the Leisure Center or Gym
Drunkenness
Mobile Phones in Public Places
Chance Encounters
Neighbors
The Laying of Flowers
Work Manners	p. 24
What Are Work Manners?
Greetings
Holding the Door Open
At the Urinal
In the Elevator
In the Cafeteria
Distractions
Interruptions
Thanking
Presents and Cards
Smelly Food-The Cup-a-Soup Nightmare
Office Parties
Leave It as You Found It and Would You Do That at Home?
Is That Your Mug?
Taking Advantage
Overdoing It in Various Ways
Mobile Phones at Work
Office E-Mail
Condoling at Work
Communications Manners	p. 46
"Don't Take That Call!": Mobile Phones in Social Life
Switched On or Not Switched On?: The Responsibilities of Ownership
Texting and Nontexting
Text Conversations/Ending Text Conversations
Tone/Misunderstandings in Text Conversations
When Not to Text
Language and Grammar in Texting
E-Mailing
On the Phone
Leaving Messages
Let's Get Together: Inviting and Accepting Manners	p. 62
A Question of Honor: Being Stood Up, "Flaking," and the Commitment Problem
Saying No Nicely
Divorce Etiquette
They Keep Inviting Us, but We Don't Want to Go
Dropping In
Written Invitations: What to Write?
Inviting by Telephone or E-Mail
What Is Being Offered/How to Explain/What Words to Use
When to Invite
Whom to Invite?
Confirming
How to Reply
No Reply at All!
Disinviting
Asking to Be Invited: Can I Bring a Friend?
Not Invited!
Clothes Manners	p. 82
What to Wear?
Greetings Manners	p. 86
The Social-Kissing Question
Right on Time: Clock Manners	p. 89
Sorry! We're Running Late
I Could Have Danced All Night!
Late Hosts
Food and Menu Manners	p. 95
What Shall I Give Them?: Food for Others
Eat It Up!
Special Orders
Sitting-Down-to-Eat Manners	p. 102
What's on the Table
"Placement"
"Wiring In" (An Expression of Mrs. Gibbs's)
Slow Eaters
Table Manners
Nasty Eating Habits
Food Stuck on the Face
Do We Mention the Food?
Wine Talk Drunkenness
Breakages Must Be Paid For
Returning-Hospitality Manners: Also, the Problem of Richer Friends	p. 110
Do We Dare to Ask Them Back?
What If Your Friends Are Hugely Richer Than You?
Names Manners	p. 115
Names, Names, Names
That's Not My Name!
More Than One Name: Nicknames and the In-Crowd Question
Call Me What You Like-I Don't Mind
What-to-Say Manners	p. 121
Getting to Know People: Perfect Questions
Interrupting
Am I Boring?
Putting Your Foot in It
Let's Have a Heated Debate
Talking About Money-In One Way or Another
Name-Dropping
Hideous Embarrassments
Networking
Speaking and Language Manners	p. 140
"Now I Will Just Say a Few Words"
Do I Speak Prawwwperly?
Bad Language
Rude Stories
Special Manners for Special Occasions	p. 146
Surviving the Stand-Up Party
What Are Hosts Supposed to Do at the Stand-Up Party?
Introducing at the Stand-Up Party
Moving On at the Stand-Up Party
Saying Good-bye at the Stand-Up Party
Strippers
Surprise Parties
Extreme Manners	p. 155
Crisis Situations: When They've Just Got to Go-Or Have They?
Sex, Filth, and Couples Manners	p. 157
Chatting Up, Dating, Turning Down
Couples on Their Best Behavior
Filth
Substance Manners	p. 162
Smoking
Drugs
Condolence Manners	p. 166
Offering Condolences
Acknowledging Condolences
Holiday Manners	p. 170
Villa Holidays
Money Manners	p. 174
Debts Small and Large and Can We Let Them Pay?
Children's Manners-Mostly for Parents	p. 177
Perfect Dears
Other People's Children
Letters and Cards Manners	p. 182
Thank-You Letters and Cards for Meals and Parties-A Major Rethink
Thanking If You've Been to Stay
Presents Are Different
Christmas Cards
Round-Robin Letters
Presents and Gifts Manners	p. 189
Presents: It's the Thought That Counts
Do I Bring a Bottle?
Dog Manners	p. 193
Such a Lovely Dog!
Staff Manners-Mainly for Customers and Employers	p. 195
Waiter! Waiter! I Must Clean for the Cleaner
Other Staff
Afterword	p. 199
Acknowledgments	p. 201
Table of Contents provided by Ingram. All Rights Reserved.

Excerpts

Chapter 1

Manners in Public

Where to begin?: “good morning,” “thank you,” pushing, and shoving—among

other things.

Dreadful, dreadful—let’s rave on like Archie Bunker, such fun! It’s frightful out on the streets. Surely a new Ice Age of bad manners is coming? There are the litterbugs, the pushers and shovers, the bellowers, the swearers—and that’s just a start.

What about this dreadful episode? The other day, Matt Lawson, forty- three, assistant financial director of a company that publishes trade magazines (Dumper Truck Today is a big seller), held the door open for a nice, middle-aged, vaguely spinsterish woman as she was coming out of a department store in Peterborough, a delightful dormitory town for London, and, would you believe it, she stalked straight through the door as if there was nobody there?

Matt says this happens all the time, not just in Peterborough but also in London, where he works. “It would be nice if they said thank you,” he says, “but what can you do? That’s how people are.”

In the genteel cathedral city of Worcester, a similar thing happened. Some ladies failed to thank someone who had waited for them to come up a narrow stairs. In Manchester and London, standing in line for the bus has been abandoned in favor of a dog-eat-dog approach.

Mrs. Gibbs, eighty-five, lives in Winchester; her husband, a solicitor, long dead. “I don’t want to seem old-fashioned,” she begins, “but I’m sorry to say, people are in such a hurry. All these mothers with one child in a stroller, several more rampaging about. They’ve got no time to take any notice of anybody. People hold doors open for me, that kind of thing. They can see I’m an old woman. But the other day I thanked someone and he grunted in this peculiar way as if to say, ‘That’s enough of that. I’ve done you a favor, now clear off!’ Not terribly charming.”

And what about this? One of those van-type vehicles in which celebrities are conveyed was once seen parked outside a tailor’s in Spitalfields, a very desirable newly yuppified district of London. A rumor, unconfirmed to this day, went round that David Beckham was being fitted for a suit. The van was assumed to be unoccupied except by the driver, but imagine the excitement when the back door slid open and a jeweled hand, clutching a Coke can and associated sandwich wrappings, emerged into view, sank graciously toward the gutter, and there deposited the can. Could this have been the hand of Posh, glamorously littering the streets?

What shall we do with them? Horsewhipping? Boot camp? National Service?

Well, it may not be the end of the world, but let’s admit it, we’ve all got something, some discourtesy that occurs in public, which we find absolutely infuriating.

It’s no good resigning yourself, like Matt, or apologizing, like Mrs. Gibbs. You’ve got to do something, especially if you’re one of the millions who complain about antisocial behavior. You can’t expect the police to attend every time someone drops some litter or raises their voice.

The good old British “keep your head down and don’t make a fuss” approach has had its day. Not that it ever really was that. Nothing may have been said, but the accompanying withering looks were full strength and top-notch in quality. Actors would have given anything to achieve such silent power. But nobody today is going to take any notice of a look, however withering.

•If you hold a door open for someone or wait to let them pass and they don’t thank you, say loudly, “Thank you so much.” In extreme cases, you can pursue them and say, “I’m so sorry. Did you forget to thank?” Don’t be put off by an abusive response. If enough people start doing this, the message will get through.

•If you’re the person not thanking, you probably don’t mean any harm. You’re just not awake.

•Always say “Good morning,” “Hello,” or “Hi” to shop assistants, receptionists, and so forth. The French do this without thinking about it. In some places, you’ll be met with astonishment or bewilderment. Don’t be discouraged. It’s the right thing to do.

•If there’s no line for the bus, just a mosh pit, it would be nice to think that enough people would band together to do something about it. But they probably won’t. Nevertheless, there are other ways of making a fuss. Write to the local paper, complain to the city council, the bus company. Don’t listen to people who sneer at the British and their eternal lines, or queues. Queues are fair and just. They’re worth fighting for.

•In a crowd, few follow the example of the late Bubbles Rothermere, who would beat the back of anyone in the way with her tiny fists. But many have a policy of massively increasing speed and whacking everybody else out of the way. This isn’t very nice but is less easy to resist. They’ve usually disappeared by the time you realize what has happened. Protest charmingly—“I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize I was in the way”—if you get the chance. Or just don’t get out of the way. Stand your ground and see what happens.

•If you see someone dropping litter, pick it up and hand it back to them. “I think you dropped this.” It sometimes works. If they turn nasty, say, “It’s quite all right. I’ll throw it away for you.” Then make a run for it.

Children

In public places there are two sorts: ones who are unaccompanied, ones who aren’t. Neither are quite as they should be. “I was in the newsagents only last week,” says Mrs. Gibbs. “Two little boys, both under ten, rushed in making an awful noise, barged in front of me, and shouted at the shopkeeper, ‘Give us some chewing gum.’ I wasn’t going to stand there doing nothing, I can tell you. I said, ‘Stop that racket, wait in the queue, if you wouldn’t mind, and when it’s your turn you might try “please” and “thank you.” ’ The shopkeeper and the one other customer in the shop were horrified. ‘You ought to watch out,’ they said, ‘they might have had a gun.’ I couldn’t believe it. What nonsense! Three adults in the shop and two little boys, and the only person who wasn’t afraid of them was an old woman of eighty-five!”

At the airport, setting out with a party of ten for a villa holiday in Majorca, Zoe Miller, twenty-five, just starting out in PR and a graduate of the University of Kent (one of those subjects that are hard to explain), was fed up with “all these parents who seemed to think the departure lounge was just a big playpen for their children. One of the fathers was making the most noise, pretending to be a roller coaster or something.” Zoe is rather against children in general, which Mrs. Gibbs isn’t. But perhaps Zoe has a point. It probably wasn’t just thoughtlessness, either. Many parents now like to make a conspicuous parade of their parenting, and what better opportunity than the departure lounge?

Did she do anything about it? She is shocked. “Oh, no. That wouldn’t be right, would it? I’m not a busybody. It’s just my personal opinion that they’re annoying.”

Zoe’s not thinking straight. She’s being too nice. It isn’t “just my personal opinion.” She’s got a fair point. A public space is a public space. It isn’t for one special interest group to take over.

•If unaccompanied children are behaving inconsiderately in public— making a lot of noise, dropping litter, cutting lines—intervene if it is safe to do so and you are likely to get somewhere, in other words if there is a majority of adults present.

•Speak firmly but politely.

•Most children, even “well-brought-up” ones, will take advantage if they sense that adults are afraid of them.

•Most “antisocial behavior” is perpetrated by children and teenagers. If adults won’t step in to put a stop to minor outbreaks, it isn’t very surprising that some young people will graduate to more advanced forms.

•Parents of small children: It may be difficult to keep your offspring amused, especially if waiting in a public place, but try to show consideration for others. Once, at a rather serious concert, I sat in front of a child who had been supplied with a rattly teddy to keep her occupied for the duration.

•You’re more likely to get people’s backs up if your underlying attitude seems to be that your child has a right to rampage about. If you are apologetic and make some attempt to restrain, you will get a more indulgent response.

•If you are exasperated by unfettered children (for instance, strange child actually crawling over you in a café; mother looking on, waiting for you to coo admiration), you’re going to have to say something. Don’t be relativist; don’t think, “Who am I to tell others what to do?” Stand up for what you believe in!

Get a move on: atms and checkouts

“Why don’t people know how to use a cashpoint machine?” Zoe asks, referring in her strange British way to an ATM. In the queue, she becomes impatient. But she is not quite herself near an ATM anyway—so many anxieties about lack of funds. She’d rather snatch the smallest sum she thinks she can get away with and run. Which is why, in the supermarket, she is often holding up the queue paying $6.78 on her debit card and annoying people like Matt, always in a hurry because of family commitments. If you probe deeper into Matt’s soul, you’ll find that he does sometimes wonder why so many people stand for twenty minutes in a line at the checkout and still haven’t got their money ready.

•Try to achieve technical mastery of the ATM. If there is a line, don’t go on and on trying to make it give you money when you know quite well your account is empty. If you have a complicated transaction, apologize to anybody you are keeping waiting.

•Perhaps one day, in supermarkets, there will be a queue for people who have got their money or their cards ready.

•To speed things up, hand over your card as soon as all your goods have been scanned. Don’t wait until you have finished packing them.

•Don’t keep everybody waiting while you spend hours devising some gargantuan Dewey decimal system for packing your purchases.

Munch as you go and what’s that smell?

“Don’t get me wrong,” says Mrs. Gibbs. “I wouldn’t want to go back to the old days, when you got a withering look for sucking on a throat lozenge in Woolworth’s. But this eating on the street does seem to have got out of hand. People are working their way through whole hot dinners.”

Perhaps she exaggerates just a little. But Zoe, young and carefree, is frequently to be seen on her lunch hour waving a plastic fork in one hand and holding a tinfoil tray full of carrot salad in the other— with not a few bits of carrot trailing on the pavement behind her. Others wield enormous doorstep sandwiches and rolls whose contents are a challenge to control.

Then, on the trains and buses you see people tucking into fish-and- chip dinners, curry suppers, sweet-and-sour pork, spareribs. London Transport thought there was enough of a problem in 2004 to launch an anti-smelly-food poster campaign featuring an Italian-looking man hung about with salamis and bits of Parma ham. This caused grave offense. The Italian ambassador was obliged to point out that these foods are not smelly.

Be that as it may, eating on the hoof isn’t very good for you and shows the minimum of respect for food. But that’s not the point. The old-fashioned idea that it just wasn’t dainty to eat in public might have been absurd, but:

•The sight of people gnawing on huge filled rolls or trying awkwardly to eat chop suey from a tinfoil tray while walking along is rarely attractive.

•If you are struggling to eat this kind of food on the street, you are very likely to be in the way.

•In enclosed spaces, some people will think that what you’re eating smells horrible.

•Good walking food can be chocolate, ice cream, lollipops, modestly filled sandwiches.

•If you want a picnic, why not find somewhere to sit down and have it properly?

May i have your seat?

Some years ago, as an experiment for a TV program, researchers trawled a railway carriage asking if they could have people’s seats. In the majority of cases, the answer was yes, sometimes even though there were empty seats all around. This was supposed to prove the innate tendency of human beings to obey orders. “I wish I’d known when I was younger,” says Mrs. Gibbs. “It’s all right now that I’m unmistakably ancient, but when I was in my late sixties and we lived in London, I’d be desperate for a seat sometimes, struggling back from John Lewis [this is a very worthy British store, rather like Bed, Bath and Beyond] with ten new pillows.” But she didn’t like to ask—in fact, she wanted to be offered—so she didn’t get one. The same thing happens to others, most notably pregnant women. In this case, would-be givers-up of seats dread making a mistake—offering a seat to someone who’s just a bit stout. London Transport has identified this as a serious problem and plans to issue pregnant women badges reading, “Baby on Board”—but not everybody is so keen on this idea. On the TV news, they tried out the badges and found they worked beautifully.

By and large, people who might give up their seats seem to be paralyzed with embarrassment.

There is also the vexed question of seated children. The thinking today is that they are to remain enthroned at all costs. Is this right? “It’s annoying when some little tot’s got a seat and I have to stand,” says Zoe. But can she be relied on, being generally antichild?

•Some older people may not look it, but they may still need your seat (if carrying a lot of shopping, generally appearing at the end of their tether, and so on). Give it to them.

•Don’t let anxiety that they will feel insulted (“Do I look that old?”) hold you back.

•If you think a woman might be pregnant, give her your seat. If you’ve made a mistake, it won’t matter. After all, she’ll never know why you gave up your seat, and if she’s got any sense, she’ll be glad to get one even if slightly insulted.

•If you need a seat badly and nobody is offering, ask. Of course, it would be nicer to be offered, but at least, if the results of that experiment are anything to go by, you’re quite certain of success.

•On the whole, we should give up our seats more often.

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Excerpted from To the Manner Born: A Most Proper Guide to Modern Civility by Thomas Blaikie
All rights reserved by the original copyright owners. Excerpts are provided for display purposes only and may not be reproduced, reprinted or distributed without the written permission of the publisher.