Mark Twain's Library of Humor

by TWAIN, MARKMARTIN, STEVE

• ISBN13: 9780679640363
• ISBN10: 0679640363
• Format: Trade Paper
• Copyright: 2000-05-30
• Publisher: Modern Library

Summary

Beginning with the piece that made Mark Twain famous--"The Notorious Jumping Frog of Calaveras County"--and ending with his fanciful "How I Edited an Agricultural Paper," this treasure trove of an anthology, an abridgment of the 1888 original, collects twenty of Twain's own pieces, in addition to tall tales, fables, and satires by forty-three of Twain's contemporaries, including Washington Irving, Harriet Beecher Stowe, Ambrose Bierce, William Dean Howells, Joel Chandler Harris, Artemus Ward, and Bret Harte.

Author Biography

Mark Twain (1835-1910) was born Samuel Clemens in Missouri. As a boy, he worked as a printer and a Mississippi River pilot. A leading literary influence in his own time and ever since, he is the author of many classics, including <i>Roughing It, The Adventures of Tom Sawyer, Life on the Mississippi, The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn,</i> and <i>A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court.</i>

Table of Contents

Introduction to the Modern Library Humor and Wit Series	ix
Steve Martin
Introduction	xiii
Roy Blount, Jr.
Editorial Note	xxi
Introduction	xxvii
Index of Authors	xxxv
Index of Titles
The Notorious Jumping Frog of Calaveras County	3	(7)
Mark Twain
Warm Hair	10	(1)
Mark Twain
A Fight with a Trout	10	(6)
Charles Dudley Warner
The Villager and the Snake	16	(1)
George Thomas Lanigan
How We Astonished the Rivermouthians	17	(10)
Thomas Bailey Aldrich
The Legend of Mimir	27	(2)
Robert Jones Burdette
Tushmaker's Toothpuller	29	(2)
John Phœnix
The Tomb of Adam	31	(1)
Mark Twain
Rev. Cream Cheese and the New Livery, etc.	32	(12)
George William Curtis
Carrie's Comedy	44	(3)
William Livingstone Alden
To Correspondents	47	(2)
Josh Billings
The Worst Man and the Stupidest Man in Turkey	49	(6)
Samuel S. Cox
First-Class Snake Stories	55	(2)
His First Day at Editing	57	(5)
Eugene Field
Abelard and Heloise	62	(5)
Mark Twain
A Family Horse	67	(7)
F. W. Cozzens
A Genuine Mexican Plug	74	(4)
Mark Twain
A Visit to Brigham Young	78	(4)
Artemus Ward
The Simple Story of G. Washington	82	(3)
Robert J. Burdette
The Courtin'	85	(4)
James Russell Lowell
'Tis Only My Husband	89	(10)
Joseph C. Neal
A Day's Work	99	(6)
Mark Twain
Trying to Understand a Woman	105	(4)
W. D. Howells
A Female Base-Ball Club	109	(3)
James M. Bailey
Woman	112	(1)
Josh Billings
The Robin and the Woodpecker	112	(1)
Ambrose Bierce
The Tar Baby	113	(5)
Uncle Remus
Dick Baker's Cat	118	(4)
Mark Twain
The Haunted Room	122	(2)
R. J. Burdette
A Restless Night	124	(5)
Mark Twain
Rip Van Winkle	129	(15)
Washington Irving
The Ostrich and the Hen	144	(1)
Geo. T. Lanigan
Women's Rights	145	(1)
Artemus Ward
Nothing to Wear	146	(9)
William Allen Butler
Illustrated Newspapers	155	(8)
John Phœnix
Jack Downing in Portland	163	(2)
Seba Smith
A Dose of Pain Killer	165	(3)
Mark Twain
Fables of the Hodja	168	(3)
Samuel S. Cox
The Dog and the Bees	171	(1)
Ambrose Bierce
Sicily Burns's Wedding	171	(5)
George W. Harris
Ballad of the Rhine	176	(2)
Hans Breitmann
The Expensive Treat of Col. Moses Grice	178	(15)
Richard Malcolm Johnston
One of Mr. Ward's Business Letters	193	(1)
Artemus Ward
Woman Suffrage	194	(1)
R. J. Burdette
On ``Forts''	194	(1)
Artemus Ward
The Fox and the Crow	195	(1)
Geo. T. Lanigan
European Diet	196	(5)
Mark Twain
The Vacation of Mustapha	201	(3)
R. J. Burdette
The First Piano in a Mining Camp	204	(7)
Sam Davis
Darius Green and His Flying Machine	211	(7)
J. T. Trowbridge
Plumbers	218	(2)
Charles Dudley Warner
The Remarkable Wreck of the ``Thomas Hyke''	220	(18)
Frank R. Stockton
Experience of the McWilliamses with Membraneous Croup	238	(6)
Mark Twain
The Hodja's Donkey on His Veracity	244	(1)
S. S. Cox
Little Breeches	245	(2)
John Hay
Love's Young Dream	247	(7)
W. D. Howells
The Belle of Vallejo	254	(3)
W. L. Alden
Kitty Answers	257	(7)
W. D. Howells
Fourth of July Oration	264	(3)
Artemus Ward
The Parson's Horse-Race	267	(8)
Harriet Beecher Stowe
Wrecked in Port	275	(2)
R. J. Burdette
A Pleasure Exertion	277	(10)
Marietta Holley
The Ant and the Grain of Corn	287	(3)
Ambrose Bierce
The Man and the Goose	290	(1)
Ambrose Bierce
Nevada Nabobs in New York	290	(3)
Mark Twain
A Jersey Centenarian	293	(5)
Bret Harte
Phœnix at Sea	298	(3)
John Phœnix
A Victim of Hospitality	301	(4)
Rev. F. W. Shelton
The Donation Party	305	(2)
R. J. Burdette
The Peterkins Decide to Learn the Languages	307	(7)
Lucretia Peabody Hale
A Fatal Thirst	314	(2)
Bill Nye
Mrs. Brown's Fate	316	(1)
Captain Ben's Choice	316	(9)
Mrs. Francis Lee Pratt
The Mackrel	325	(1)
Josh Billings
A Quick Eye for Business	326	(1)
The Owl-Critic	327	(2)
Jas. T. Fields
The Kind-Hearted She-Elephant	329	(1)
Geo. T. Lanigan
A Dog in Church	330	(3)
Mark Twain
A Visit to the Asylum for Aged and Decayed Punsters	333	(6)
Oliver Wendell Holmes
Minnesota Wheat	339	(1)
Getting a Glass of Water	340	(2)
F. W. Cozzens
The Hodja as a Prophet	342	(1)
S. S. Cox
Blue-Jays	342	(5)
Mark Twain
An Italian's View of a New England Winter	347	(2)
J. M. Bailey
The Nobleman and the Oyster	349	(1)
Ambrose Bierce
Custom House Morals	350	(1)
W. D. Howells
A Western Reminiscence	351	(1)
The Total Depravity of Inanimate Things	351	(11)
Katherine Kent Child Walker
Oon Criteek de Bernhardt	362	(5)
Eugene Field
Lectures on Astronomy	367	(11)
John Phœnix
Little Charles and the Fruit	378	(2)
Our Italian Guide	380	(5)
Mark Twain
She Had to Take Her Things Along	385	(1)
Robert J. Burdette
The Garden and its Enemies	386	(3)
Charles Dudley Warner
The Hodja Makes Up His Mind to Marry	389	(1)
S. S. Cox
The Old Settler	390	(4)
Edward Harold Mott
Boy the Destroyer	394	(2)
Charles Dudley Warner
The Type-Writer	396	(1)
Robert J. Burdette
High-Handed Outrage at Utica	397	(1)
Artemus Ward
At Niagara	397	(3)
W. D. Howells
A New System of English Grammar	400	(6)
John Phœnix
In Sis's Interest	406	(1)
The Deacon's Masterpiece	407	(3)
O. W. Holmes
``Not Like in Like, but Like in Difference''	410	(1)
R. J. Burdette
Lost in the Snow	411	(7)
Mark Twain
Uncle Joshua Downing in Boston	418	(5)
Seba Smith
John Phœnix Renders the Editor of the ``San Diego Herald'' an Account of His Stewardship	423	(3)
John Phœnix
Economical Indeed	426	(1)
Hans Breitmann's Party	427	(1)
Hans Breitmann
A New Patent Medicine Operation	428	(4)
Q. K. Philander Doesticks
The Centipede and the Barbaric Yak	432	(1)
G. T. Lanigan
The Cayote	433	(3)
Mark Twain
The Hodja's House	436	(1)
S. S. Cox
The Boy and the Tortoise	436	(1)
Ambrose Bierce
The Friend of My Youth	437	(13)
T. B. Aldrich
The Camel and the Zebra	450	(1)
Ambrose Bierce
``Success with Small Fruits''	451	(1)
R. J. Burdette
Natral and Unnatral Aristokrats	452	(2)
Josh Billings
Examples of Turkish Justice	454	(3)
S. S. Cox
A Great Fit	457	(2)
Orpheus C. Kerr
Artemus Ward and the Prince of Wales	459	(3)
Artemus Ward
Brilliant Drunkards	462	(1)
Charles Dudley Warner
Train Manners	463	(3)
R. J. Burdette
Their First Quarrel	466	(3)
W. D. Howells
The Neat Person	469	(1)
Josh Billings
Railway Volapuk	470	(1)
R. J. Burdette
Simon Suggs Gets a ``Soft Snap'' on His Daddy	471	(11)
Johnson J. Hooper
Found	482	(1)
Josh Billings
Colonel Sellers at Home	482	(15)
Mark Twain
Interview with President Lincoln	497	(3)
Artemus Ward
The Alarmed Skipper	500	(2)
J. T. Fields
How I Killed a Bear	502	(7)
Charles Dudley Warner
The Grasshopper and the Ant	509	(1)
G. T. Lanigan
A Sleeping-Car Experience	509	(6)
Bret Harte
The Shopper	515	(1)
R. J. Burdette
The Bumble Bee	516	(1)
Josh Billings
Another Chance for Sorosis	517	(1)
R. J. Burdette
After the Funeral	517	(2)
J. M. Bailey
Cannibalism in the Cars	519	(8)
Mark Twain
Pie	527	(1)
Charles Dudley Warner
Butterwick's Little Gas Bill	528	(2)
Anonymous
Pistol Shooting---A Counter Challenge	530	(2)
John Phœnix
Boston	532	(6)
Artemus Ward
Sewing-Machine---Feline Attachment	538	(2)
John Phœnix
The Merchant of Venice and The Good Samaritan	540	(1)
G. T. Lanigan
Preaching v. Practice	541	(1)
R. J. Burdette
The Society Upon the Stanislaus	541	(2)
Bret Harte
What He Wanted It For	543	(1)
J. M. Bailey
Ants, Etc.	544	(1)
Josh Billings
The Romance of the Carpet	544	(2)
R. J. Burdette
Mr. Simpkins's Downfall	546	(3)
W. L. Alden
Mr. Rabbit Grossly Deceives Mr. Fox	549	(6)
Uncle Remus
How I Edited an Agricultural Paper	555
Mark Twain

Excerpts

THE WORST MAN AND THE STUPIDEST MAN IN TURKEY--SAMUEL S. COX

Samuel Sullivan Cox was born at Zanesville, O., September 30, 1824, and grew up in his native State. He entered journalistic life after graduating from Brown University, and has achieved distinction in politics as well as literature; his public services, in Congress and diplomacy, are as well-known as his books.

Several years ago the dragoman of our American Legation at Constantinople was asked to act as arbitrator in a dispute between a foreigner and an old Turkish doctor in law and theology. After several meetings with them, the dragoman concluded that the doctor was an ill-natured and unmanageable person. The latter had served for some years as cadi of the Civil Court at Smyrna. The dragoman related a story for his instruction. The story as to its place was in old Stamboul. As to its time, it does not matter much. Its moral is for every place and for all time. But it took place at the end of the sixteenth century, when the Turkish power was well established and growing. In other words, it was during the reign of Amurath III., the sixth emperor of the Ottomans, and grandson of Suleiman the Magnificent. This Sultan was not, as the sequel of the story shows, the worst of the Ottoman emperors. He was a tall, manly man, rather fat and quite pale, with a thin long beard. His face was not of a fierce aspect, like other Sultans. He was no rioter or reveler. He punished drunkards, and as for himself he indulged only in wormwood wine. His people knew that he loved justice, and although, according to an old chronicle, he caused his brothers to be strangled, "at which so tragicall a sight that he let some teares fall, as not delighting in such barbarous crueltie, but that the state and manner of his gouernment so required," still, he was, as the time was, a good prince.

But to the dragoman's story. Its moral had its uses, as the sequel reveals. This is the story, as it was told in one of the leisure hours at the Legation last summer:

"There was a man, Mustapha by name, who lived near the Golden Gate. He was well off, and when about to die, he called his son to him and said:

"'My dear boy, I am dying. Before I go, I want to give you my last will. Here are one hundred pounds. You will give it to the worst man you can find. Here are one hundred pounds more. This you will give to the stupidest man you can discover."

"A few days after, the father died. The son began to search for the bad man. Several men were pointed out, but he was not satisfied that they were the worst of men. Finally he hired a horse and went up to Yosgat, in Asia Minor. There the population unanimously pointed out their cadi as the worst man to be found anywhere. This information satisfied the son. He called on the cadi. He told the story of the will, and added:

" 'As I am desirous that the will of my father be accomplished, I beg you to receive these hundred pounds.'

"Said the cadi, 'How do you know that I am so bad as I am represented?'

" 'It is the testimony of the whole town,' said the son.

" 'I must tell you, young man, said the cadi, 'that it is contrary to my principles to accept any bribe or present. If I ever receive money, it is only for a con-sid-er-a-tion. Unless I give you the counter-value of your money, I cannot accept it!

"This reply of the cadi seemed just. It puzzled the young man. However, as he desired to fulfill his father's will, he continued to urge the cadi:

"'Mr. Judge,' said he, 'if you sell me something, could not the will of my father be fulfilled?'

"'Let me see,' said the cadi, looking around to find out what on earth he could sell to the youth, without destroying the spirit of the will. He reflected for a long time. Then all at once he was struck with a bright idea. Seeing that the courtyard of his house was filled with snow, about two feet deep, he said to the youth:

"'I will sell you yonder snow. Do you accept the bargain?'

"'Yes,' said the youth, seeing that there was nothing of value in the snow.

"The cadi then executed a regular deed, the fees of which were paid, of course, by the purchaser. The son then paid the hundred pounds for the snow.

"The boy went home; but he was not quite certain that he had strictly fulfilled the will of his father; for, after all, the cadi did not appear to him to be so very bad. Had he not decidedly refused to accept the money without a legal consideration?

"His perplexity was of short duration.

"The second day, early in the morning, the scribe of the cadi called on the youth and told him that the cadi wished to see him.

"'Well, I will go,' said the youth.

"'No,' said the scribe; 'I am ordered to take you there.'

"The youth resisted, and the scribe insisted. Finally the youth was compelled to submit, and went.

"'What do you want of me, Cadi Effendi,' said the boy.

"'Ah! you are welcome,' responded the cadi; 'I wanted you to come, because you have some snow in the courtyard which bothers me a great deal. The authorities cannot shoulder such a responsibility. Is not the deposit exposed? Can it be put under lock like other property? Besides, does it not occupy the road, to which the people have the right of easement? What follows? The result is, that your snow will be trampled or stolen, or it will melt, and then all the responsibility will rest on me. I am not prepared to assume it. I request you to carry away your snow.'

"'But, Cadi Effendi,' said the boy, 'I do not care. Let it melt; let it be stolen; let it be trampled on; I will make no claim for its value.'

"'Nothing of the kind,' said the cadi. 'You have no right to close the public way in that manner. Unless you take away your snow, I will confine you in prison, and make you answer for the nuisance, and for the decay of the property, which may be claimed by your heirs at some future time.'

"'Let it be swept out,' said the youth; 'I will defray the expense.'

"'Nonsense!' indignantly responded the cadi. 'Am I your servant? Besides, will it not take a great deal of money to have the snow swept out?'

"'I will pay the expense, whatever it is,' said the youth.

"'Well, it requires twenty pounds,' said the cadi.

"'I will pay that sum,' said the youth.

"Thus the cadi squeezed out twenty pounds more from the son of the deceased.

"The youth is, however, content. He is glad to find in this cadi a man of the meanness so indispensable to the fulfillment of the will of his father.

"After this experience the youth goes in search of the stupid man. He must filially fulfill the second clause of the will.



"While engaged in this search for stupidity, the son limits his efforts to his own fair city of Stamboul. He is on the street leading up to the Sublime Porte. He hears a band of music. It is moving toward the Sublime Porte. He is curious to know what it all means. He walks toward the music. When at a short distance he discovers a grand procession, with a display of soldiers. He notices a comparatively old man riding a white Arabian horse. He is dressed in a magnificent uniform. His breast is covered with decorations of every size, color and description. The trappings of the horse are covered with gold embroideries. The old man is surrounded by a dozen high officials of the government of Amurath III. They, too, are dressed finely; they have recently returned from the Caucasus laden with riches, and they display their grand robes and jewels. They have gorgeously embroidered uniforms and ride splendid horses. They are followed by an immense crowd. All Galata, as well as Stamboul, is afoot to see the sight. Murmurs in threescore dialects rise on the sunny air. The son of Mustapha follows the crowd. He asks a pedestrian in a green turban, who sits by the fountain:

"'What is the procession about?'

"He is informed that the old man is the newly appointed Grand Vizier of Amurath. The Vizier is going to take possession of his post. He is thus escorted with the usual solemnity.

"When the procession arrives at the gate of the Sublime Porte, the Grand Vizier dismounts on the foot-stone in front of the entrance, and, strange to say, there on that very foot-stone is a big tray; and on the tray, a human head freshly decapitated.

"The sight is blood-curdling. The youth is struck dumb with horror. Then, recovering his senses, he finds out the meaning of the usage. He is told that the bloody head is that of the preceding Grand Vizier, who had acted wrongfully, and was therefore beheaded.

"'Will his successor succeed him in the tray also?' asks the youth, of a zaptieh who was standing near to police the procession.

"'Nowadays it is difficult to escape it,' is the answer of the policeman.

"After this answer, the youth makes immediate inquiries. He discovers the 'Kiahaja' of the new Grand Vizier, for every Grand Vizier has a factotum. He goes to the Kiahaja and requests him to deliver to the Grand Vizier the hundred pounds which his father had willed. The Kiahaja, after inquiring the name of the youth and his whereabouts, receives the money. Later on, he takes the hundred pounds to the Grand Vizier. This high official is puzzled.

"'Who,' he inquires, 'is the friend that left the money to me, and why?'

" He calls for the youth. The youth comes. The Grand Vizier asks him about his father. The boy replies:

"'His name was Mustapha. He lived near the Golden Gate; but you did not know him, my lord!'

"'But he knew me?'

"'No, my lord, he did not.'

"'Then why this bequest to me?

"The youth then gives the Grand Vizier the story, and adds that he could not expect to find a more stupid man or a greater idiot than the Grand Vizier; therefore, he concludes that the hundred pounds are due to that official, under his father's will.

"This puzzles the Grand Vizier, who says:

"'How do you know that I am a stupid man? Neither you nor your father knew me.'

"'Your acceptance of the position of Grand Vizier,' says the youth, 'in the presence of the dead head of your predecessor, speaks for itself. It needs no explanation!

"The Grand Vizier can make no rational answer. He takes hold of his beard, strokes it, and considers for a minute.

"Then he says to the youth: 'Son of the good and wise Mustapha, will you not be my guest for to-night? To-morrow morning I must talk with you.' The boy accepts the invitation.

"In the morning the Grand Vizier calls the youth. He informs him that he is going to the palace of Amurath at the Seraglio Point. He desires the youth to accompany him. The boy objects. It is no use. The Grand Vizier compels him to go with him.

"They reach the palace. The Grand Vizier goes straightway to the Chief Eunuch, and thus addresses that beautiful Arabian:

"'Your Highness: I am aware that His Majesty, in bestowing on me the responsible and confidential position of Grand Vizier, did me the greatest honor a man can ever expect in this world. I am grateful to him for such a rare distinction. But, Highness, here is a young man who came to see me yesterday, and spoke to me in such a wonderful way that I feel bound to tender my resignation. After my conversation with him, I feel incapable of sustaining the dignity which His Majesty deserves.'

"The Eunuch is thunderstruck. Up to that time no Grand Vizier had ever dared to resign. But the action of the Vizier seems so strange to the Eunuch, that the latter at once goes and reports it to the Sultan. The Sultan is amazed and indignant. He demands the presence of the Grand Vizier and the youth. When they appear they find that Amurath is not in one of his best moods. The Janizaries have been threatening him. His wife, sister and mother, on whom he relies for comfort in his poor health and mental distress, have in vain endeavored to placate and pacify him. His pale face grows scarlet with anger. He hotly addresses the Grand Vizier:

"'How is it, sirrah! that you presume to dare to tender your resignation?'

"'Your Majesty,' says the Grand Vizier, 'I know that I am doing a bold act; but it is this boy,' pointing out the simple youth, 'who compels me to do it. If your Highness wants to know the reasons, the boy will give them to you. I am sure that after hearing them you will acknowledge that, as I am considered the most stupid man in your empire, it is not becoming to your dignity to retain me as your immediate representative.'

"The boy is then called. He gives his story. The Sultan smiles. His innate sense of justice returns. He issues an irade that henceforth no Grand Vizier shall be beheaded."

---

Excerpted from Mark Twain's Library of Humor by Mark Twain
All rights reserved by the original copyright owners. Excerpts are provided for display purposes only and may not be reproduced, reprinted or distributed without the written permission of the publisher.