Mom's House, Dad's House

by Ricci, Isolina

• ISBN13: 9780684830780
• ISBN10: 0684830787
• Edition: 2nd
• Format: Paperback
• Copyright: 1997-11-18
• Publisher: Touchstone

Summary

The groundbreaking classic, now revised, updated and expanded, covers the legal, financial and emotional realities of creating two happy and stable homes for children in the often difficult and confusing aftermath of a divorce.

Author Biography

Isolina Ricci, Ph.D., whose breakthrough work resulted in Mom's House, Dad's House, is an internationally renowned family expert, lecturer, award-winning mediator, and licensed family therapist who divides her time between consulting for family courts and working directly with families. She is the Director of the New Family Center in northern California.

Table of Contents

Author's Note	xv
Part 1 TWO HOMES WITH NO FIGHTING	3	(56)
1. Building a New Family Life: The Destination	3	(13)
Building a New Family Life	4	(2)
Two Homes Can Work for You	6	(4)
Managing the Goal of a Decent Divorce or Separation	10	(1)
A New Family Bill of Rights	11	(1)
When Children Do Best	12	(1)
The New Pioneers	13	(1)
How to Use This Book	14	(2)
2. Believe in Your Family: Dispelling Destructive Myths	16	(11)
Twelve Destructive Myths About Divorce	17	(7)
Taking Control of the Myths	24	(1)
Believe in Your Family	24	(3)
3. From One Home to Two Homes: The Map	27	(11)
The Map: Stages One to Seven	28	(1)
From One Home to Two Homes	29	(6)
The Crisis Periods for Parents and Children: Stages Four and Five	35	(1)
Unmarried Parenting	35	(1)
Remarriage and a New Family History	36	(1)
You and the Other Parent: A New Type of Relationship	36	(1)
Guidelines for Measuring Your Progress	37	(1)
4. Watch Your Language: How Words Help or Hurt	38	(8)
Stinkweed Words, Rose Words	38	(2)
What Children Hear	40	(1)
A New Vocabulary	41	(2)
Changing Old Habits	43	(1)
Advantages of a New Vocabulary	44	(2)
5. Your "Human Income": Increasing Your Resources for Coping with Stress	46	(13)
Changes When a Relationship Ends	46	(1)
The Effects of Stress	47	(1)
Your Resources for Coping with Stress	48	(1)
Self-Test: What Are Your Resources?	49	(2)
Ten Basic Rules for Making a Crisis Work for You	51	(3)
How Much Change and Stress Can and Should You Afford?	54	(5)
Part 2 MAKING TOUGH TIMES WORK FOR YOU	59	(98)
6. The Emotions of Ending a Relationship: The Wounding and Healing Process	59	(17)
The Wounding and Healing Process	60	(1)
Whose Idea Was This? Who Was Surprised?	61	(3)
The Phases of Ending a Relationship: The First and Second Waves	64	(1)
Treatments for Healing the Wound	65	(1)
The First Wave of Emotions in Detail	66	(5)
Addiction to Strong Emotions	71	(5)
7. The Retreat from Intimacy: How to Relate to the Other Parent	76	(18)
Negative Intimacy	76	(1)
That Old Family Feeling	77	(1)
From Intimacy to Working Relationship	78	(2)
The Three Basic Levels of Relationships	80	(3)
The Parents' "Business Relationship"	83	(2)
Doing Business When You'd Rather Do Battle	85	(2)
Self-Test: Are You Moving Away from Intimacy?	87	(2)
Guidelines for Your Move Away from Intimacy	89	(5)
8. The New Businesslike Relationship: Standards of Conduct for Parents	94	(19)
Standards of Conduct for a Working Relationship	95	(2)
Whether or Not to Interfere	97	(1)
Communications	98	(6)
Basic "Parent-Business" Principles	104	(3)
When the Going Gets Really Tough	107	(1)
An Example of a Good Working Relationship	108	(2)
How to Prepare for a "Parent-Business" Discussion	110	(3)
9. Mom's House, Dad's House: How to Make Them Homes	113	(20)
Two-Home Rewards	114	(1)
Your Hopes and Dreams as Parents	114	(1)
Parenting Patterns	115	(3)
Your Home	118	(4)
Child Care	122	(3)
Keeping in Touch with Your Children	125	(2)
Anchors for Teenagers	127	(1)
The Other Adults in Your Children's Lives	128	(4)
Back to a New Normal	132	(1)
10. Your Children: Giving Them Security and Continuity	133	(24)
Choices and Changes for Your Child	135	(5)
Keeping Children out of the Middle	140	(4)
Calming Your Children's Fears and Rebuilding Trust	144	(6)
How to Know When Your Child Needs Help	150	(4)
Trust Yourself, Trust Your Instincts	154	(3)
Part 3 THE LEGAL BUSINESS IS YOUR BUSINESS	157	(98)
11. The Legal Business: The Big Picture, Custody, and Making Major Decisions	157	(26)
The Big Picture	158	(4)
Attorneys	162	(2)
Custody, No Custody, Shared Custody	164	(1)
Custody: Some Common Legal Terms	165	(3)
Parents' Time with Their Children	168	(3)
The Children's Calendar	171	(1)
What Is Best for Your Child?	172	(1)
Ways to Share Time	172	(7)
Where Will You and Your Children Live?	179	(1)
Making Major Decisions for Your Child	180	(1)
Your Turn. What Do You Want?	181	(2)
12. Parenting Plans and Agreements: The Basic Elements	183	(13)
Anatomy of a Parenting Plan	184	(1)
What Goes into a Basic Parenting Plan	184	(1)
A Parenting Plan in Detail	185	(1)
Sample Standards of Conduct	186	(5)
Special Provisions	191	(3)
Private Contracts	194	(2)
13. How to Negotiate Your Own Agreements: A Step-by-Step Guide	196	(23)
Short-Term Private Agreements	198	(1)
Ten Tips on How to Negotiate	198	(6)
Major Steps for a Short-Term Agreement	204	(1)
Negotiating a Short-Term Agreement	205	(5)
Legal Agreements and Parenting Plans	210	(1)
The Long-Term Parenting Plan	210	(5)
Guidelines for Your Negotiations	215	(3)
Some Final Considerations	218	(1)
14. A Long-Term Parenting Plan: Working Out an Agreement on Your Own	219	(14)
The Meetings	221	(4)
The Result: A Parenting Plan	225	(4)
Wording Your Agreement	229	(2)
Your New United Front	231	(2)
15. Family Mediation: Getting Help to Stay Out of Court	233	(22)
What Is Family Mediation?	234	(1)
Frequently Asked Questions	235	(6)
Your Role in the Mediation Process Itself	241	(1)
Preparing for Negotiations	241	(1)
Example of a Mediation: Using Mediation for Both Legal and Private Agreements	242	(13)
Part 4 YOUR FAMILY, YOUR FUTURE	255	(74)
16. Your Family: Building Family Strength	255	(14)
Your Family	255	(3)
Garden-Variety Complaints	258	(7)
Holidays	265	(4)
17. Your Family Network: Opening Your Family to Others	269	(11)
Common Barriers to Extending Families	270	(4)
How to Begin an Extended Family and Acquaintance Network	274	(3)
When There Is No Other Parent	277	(3)
18. Long-Distance Parenting: How to Feel Close When You Are Far Apart	280	(18)
To Move or Not to Move Away	280	(10)
How to Feel Close When You Are Far Apart	290	(4)
Partings and Reunions	294	(4)
19. When an Absent Parent Returns: Things to Consider	298	(10)
How Children Feel When They Lose a Parent	299	(6)
The Price of Reentry--For Both Parents	305	(1)
When Reinvolvement Does Not Work: Two Homes with Friends and Relatives	306	(2)
20. Moving On: Bottlenecks and Breakthroughs	308	(21)
The Second Wave: Flashbacks	308	(4)
Remarriage: Your Own or the Other Parent's	312	(6)
Another Ending	318	(1)
A Change in School-Year Residence	319	(3)
Your Place in the Community	322	(1)
Graduations, Weddings, Family Fiestas	323	(1)
And Thanks for the Memory	324	(5)
Part 5 REFERENCES AND RESOURCES	329	(40)
For Professionals	329	(2)
Chapter Notes	331	(12)
Further Reading	343	(4)
Appendix 1: Information for Schools	347	(2)
Appendix 2: Attorneys	349	(2)
Appendix 3: Money--The Cost of Raising Children	351	(5)
Appendix 4: Private Contracts	356	(5)
Appendix 5: Mediation Confidentiality Agreement	361	(1)
Appendix 6: Finding a Mediator	362	(2)
Appendix 7: What Happens in Mediation	364	(2)
Appendix 8: A Guide for Choosing Child Care	366	(3)
Index	369