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User's Guide to Physical Debilitation
Should the painful condition of irreversible paralysislast longer than forever or at least untilyour death by bowling ball or illegal lawn dartor the culture of death, which really has it outfor whoever has seen better daysbut still enjoys bruising marathons of bird watching,you, or your beleaguered caregiverstirring dark witch's brews of resentmentinside what had been her happy life,should turn to page seven where you can learn,assuming higher cognitive functionswere not pureed by your selfish misfortune,how to leave the house for the first time in two years.An important first step,with apologies for the thoughtlessly thoughtless metaphor.When not an outright impossibilityor form of neurological science fiction,sexual congress will either be withtourists in the kingdom of your tragedy,performing an act of sadistic charity;with the curious, for whom you will be beguilingly blank canvas;or with someone blindly feeling their waythrough an extended power outagecaused by summer storms you once thought romantic.Page twelve instructs you how bestto be inspiring to Magnus next dooras he throws old Volkswagens into orbitabove Alberta. And to Bettyin her dark charm confiding a misery,whatever it is, that to her seems equivalent to yours.The curl of her hair that her finger knowsbetter and beyond what you will,even in the hypothesis of heavenwhen you sleep. This guide is intendedto prepare you for falling downand declaring détente with gravity,else you reach the inevitable endof scaring small children by your presence alone.Someone once said of crushinghelplessness: it is a good idea to avoid that.We agree with that wisdombut gleaming motorcycles are hardto turn down or safely stopat speeds which melt aluminum. Of special noteare sections regarding faithhealing, self-loathing, abstract hobbieslike theoretical spelunking and extreme atrophy,and what to say to loved oneswho won't stop shriekingat Christmas dinner. New to this editionis an index of important termssuch as catheter, pain, blackout,pathological deltoid obsession, escort service,magnetic resonance imaging,loss of friends due to superstitious fear,and, of course, amputationabove the knee due to pernicious gangrene.It is our hope that this guidewill be a valuable resourceduring this long stretch of boredom and dreadand that it may be of some help,however small, to cope with your new lifeand the gradual, bittersweet lossof every God damned thing you ever loved.
Excerpted from My Index of Slightly Horrifying Knowledge by Paul Guest All rights reserved by the original copyright owners. Excerpts are provided for display purposes only and may not be reproduced, reprinted or distributed without the written permission of the publisher.