Introduction: Getting to Know You -- How to Begin

It's been seven years since my mother passed away and I still have questions I want to ask her. Sitting at my desk, I glance at a photograph next to my computer. It's a wrinkled black and white snapshot of my mother and me, lying on our backs, sleeping peacefully in her twin bed. The year is 1953, and I am six months old. I am dressed in baby bunting, and look like a Kewpie doll with my brown hair twirled into a single curl on the top of my head. Mom is thirty-three. Her face is shiny, and her arms are folded up over her head. She's wearing a sleeveless nightie and a thin gold bracelet around her left wrist. Her painted nails shimmer, and she looks as beatific as the Madonnas she used to collect.

What memories that photo evokes.

I am fourteen years old and excited because I have just found this picture of myself and Mom that I had never seen before. I show it to her, and she reminisces about how jubilant she felt after I was born, because she'd been told she would never be able to have children.

Fast-forward ten years, to the night of my grandfather's funeral. Mom and I are rummaging through old photos, and I happen on that same lovely snapshot. Once again, I show it to her, and this time she shares some gossip.

"Mary, you know you were named after my mother. Thank goodness, though, that both grandmothers had the middle name Louise or there would have been even more competition between them than there already was." Ooh, I hadn't heardthatbefore.

Now, at the age of forty-five, I am troubled by questions that never got asked, and frustrated by half-understood information that leads me up blind alleys because Mom's not here to help me make sense of it. For instance, after she died, what can I make of my father's saying, "I don't know why your mother was seeing a psychiatrist all those years." She never told Dad why she was seeing a psychiatrist! Come to think of it, I can't remember her telling me either. What was she going through? What turmoil? What was on her mind? Like most other daughters, I took for granted that I knew everything there was to know about my mother. Consequently, there is so much that I will never know.

Over the years, each time Mom and I revisited the old, white Gimbels department store dress box in which she kept our photos, fascinating pieces of information were revealed. My mother was an open book. I could ask her anything and if she knew the answer, she'd tell me. Whether we were shopping, going out to lunch, taking a walk, doing jigsaw puzzles, or, later, lying together on her hospital bed, she had a story to tell.

Mom chatted about our family history and revealed her dreams. She also told me what I should do with the rest of my life, which, of course, drove me mad. Crazy making as it was at times, I look back on our life together, now that time has softened my disappointment in her human frailty, and I realize what a gift my mother was. I see how important those question-and-answer sessions were to both of us. My questions gave her permission to be more than a mother -- permission to be herself. Her answers shaped my success and, more important, my sense of self and the memories that fashion my future.

always the beautiful answer who asks a more

beautiful question.

-- E. E. CUMMINGS, inCollected Poems

How can a daughter begin relating to her mother in new ways? How can she begin to share confidences and leave behind unsuccessful ways of communicating? How can a daughter get the answers she needs to questions she is afraid to ask -- or hasn't thought to ask -- that will affect both her mother's current and future well-being and her own?

Two simple words will begin answering these questions: time and friendship. Let's look attimefirst, because that has the greatest impact on how you perceive your mother. You won't want to hear what I'm going to say, but as my mother used to say, "It's for your own good." One day you will no longer be able to hug your mom. One day, if you aren't close, you'll no longer be able to hope for a better relationship. You won't be able to say, "I'm sorry. Let's try again." The sooner you let this sink in, the easier it will be for you to know her better, enjoy more of what you do share, and help both of you live with more meaning and love. Buddhists believe the way to happiness is to keep death over your shoulder because it reminds you to live in the richness of the moment. This is what I think we need to do with our mothers: pin this notion of the preciousness of life on to our shoulder to keep us from withdrawing or getting distracted when things with Mom aren't going the way we planned.

The second word to keep in mind isfriendship.Consider this idea for a moment. We form friendships for many reasons, but there is one common denominator: we choose our friends because we feel safe to be ourselves with them. Think of your best woman friend. What makes your friendship work so well? You feel free to tell her everything. She understands. You accept that she's always eight minutes late because whenever you are PMS-ing, she lets you whine about things you know you shouldn't be whining about. You ask her what she'd do. She commiserates. She tells you that you'll get through it. She brainstorms solutions with you. You laugh together. When you're sick, she brings you jelly doughnuts with your chicken soup. You talk about your mothers and how they drive you crazy and how much you still love them. She's your friend because you know you'll feel better after being with her.

Have you ever thought about your mother that way? What if it really were possible to have the same type of relationship with your mother as you do with your best friend -- or even better?

True friends are those who really know you but

love you anyway.

-- EDNA BUCHANAN,Suitable for Framing

If you are close to your mother your answer will be, "I already do," or "My mother is my best friend," or "I can't imagine life without my mother." You and she have been friends since before you can remember, or you have a clear memory of the moment you realized she was not just your mother, she was also your friend. That's great. Then use this book as a way to focus on areas of your relationship that you may not have explored yet.

If you are distanced from your mother, you may say, "My mother has never been my friend, and I specifically chose my friends because they weren't like my mother." Or you may find yourself somewhere in between -- close but not friends -- the way I experienced my mother -- until I started writing this book and realized that one of the greatest gifts she gave to me was her friendship. If this describes you, allow yourself to try on calling your mother a friend, like I did. At first, it may feel constricting, like a pair of too-tight shoes. But carry that thought around in your head for a while, and your energy will shift. You'll begin to think of your mother differently. Your expectations will change. It will become easier to give her the love, respect, and caring you afford your dearest women friends, even when she's behaving badly or you're having a rough day. You'll be able to set limits calmly and maintain your self-respect instead of doing or saying something that makes you feel terrible and act even worse.

Friendship with your mother creates a space for you to want to know more about her. The time you spend together is easier and more interesting. You both find yourselves a little more willing to share parts of yourself you've kept hidden. And instead of feeling deep regret or guilt, you will feel a deep sense of gratitude. You'll give thanks for your mother and for the person you've become in learning how to befriend her while she is still alive.

If We Don't Really Know Our Mothers, We Can't Really Know Ourselves

Harriet Lerner, psychologist and author ofThe Dance of Deception -- A Guide to Authenticity and Truth-Telling in Women's Relationships,believes that our relationship with our mother is one of the most significant and influential relationships of our lives. In her audiotape,On Mothers and Daughters,she eloquently defines the importance of understanding our mothers.

Before all else we are daughters...If we don't really know our mother we can't really know ourselves...and if we can't recognize her competence, we can't really value and love our own self...and if we don't love and value ourselves, we can't really love another person as fully as each of us would be capable of loving.

Being willing to know your mother at a deeper level is an act of courage. She will no longer bejustyour mother -- the woman who is there to meet your every need -- to hug you, fix your dinner, wash your clothes, or go to your volleyball games. She will become a woman in her own right, with hopes and dreams and needs and desires just like you. She will share parts of herself that you have never known about. If you prepare and welcome her into your heart as you would a dear friend, her truth will be a gift of self-discovery for both of you.

How Do I Expand My Awareness of My Mother?

If you find yourself struggling to widen your perspective of your mother, try surprising yourself out of your own patterns. One unusual and very effective technique is to call your mother by her first name on occasion. If that's too bold, then consider asking her to try an experiment with you. Ask her if you may call her by her first name a few times just to see if it expands your awareness of her as a friend. If she says no, say her first name to yourself when you think of her. This is a big step, and one you won't likely take most of the time. But for some women it can be a powerful acknowledgment of the multidimensional woman outside the narrow role of mother.

Sarah's mother was in her eighties and in poor health. She experienced her mother as a cranky woman with whom she found it very difficult to talk. One day in frustration, Sarah yelled her mother's name, "Olivia!" Startled, her mother began to cry. Overcome with guilt, Sarah called out in a soft, loving voice, "Olivia, Olivia, I love you, Olivia." From that time on, Sarah recalls, she never looked at her mother the same way. "My mother became a person to me. She was no longer 'just' my mother. I realized that she really was separate from me and had a right to her feelings, just as I did. No matter how ill tempered she was, I was able to love her more fully after that."

Calling your mother by her first name, even if only to yourself, is only one of many strategies that begin shifting your perspective of your mother to include woman and friend. Another easy and meaningful approach is to ask her a question about what she wants or what interests her. Even if you don't get an answer immediately or, for that matter, ever, the seed has been planted, and with time and a little nurturing, you may be surprised by an unexpected flower, as was my friend Joan.

How About If You Teach Me How to Bake Bread?

Joan, a successful business consultant, author, and syndicated columnist, had a close relationship with her mother as she was growing up. But as Joan became more successful in her career, her relationship with her mother became more distant. There was less and less to say because they didn't know how to talk about the growing disparity in their lifestyles and interests.

"When I was forty, my mother stopped driving, which limited her lifestyle dramatically," Joan recalls. I whined for years to my husband about how my mother would be so much better if she'd get out, take a class, join a club -- do anything so she wasn't so housebound. David finally said to me, 'Get off your mother's case. What makes you think you can live your mother's life better than she can? You don't call her. You don't spend time with her. You just whine to me about it.'

"I said, 'I'm just trying to be helpful,' but in my heart I knew he was right. I told myself, she's in her late sixties and she's not going to change, so what can I do to come halfway?"

Joan remembered that her mother had always been a wonderful baker who talked about how relaxing it was to knead dough. "So I called her one night and said, 'How about if you teach me how to bake bread?' After a good hard laugh, she retorted, 'How about buying yourself a bread machine? With your schedule, it will be a lot easier.' I told her I was serious about wanting to learn from her because she was such a good baker. She finally agreed and told me what ingredients to buy. The following Sunday I showed up at her house at ten in the morning with two bags of groceries and a notebook. For the next six hours, I sat at her feet and wrote down every move she made. At the end of the day, I had two perfect loaves under my arms and the realization that it was the most time I'd spent with my mom in ten years. We had laughed and talked more than we had when I was a kid.

"When I walked out the door with my prize, I turned around and said to her, 'Why don't we do this again.' She said, 'All right, you're on. Next time we do wheat.' Sure enough, the following Sunday I learned to do wheat. Three weeks later, I asked her to do Christmas cookies. She said, 'Joan, you know how to do cookies.' I felt like a little girl again as the words tumbled out, 'I know. But I want to do them with you.' So we made Christmas cookies together, and on Christmas Eve she showed up at my house with her cookies. I brought out mine, and we arranged them together on platters for our families. We were closer that Christmas and we've been closer ever since. I realized I wasn't just baking bread; I was baking a relationship."

Joan's efforts in thinking about her mother's interests and asking a single question, "How about teaching me how to bake bread?" saved their relationship. Her mother felt more valued by Joan, and Joan sharpened a critical skill -- appreciation -- that is often dulled in the competitive business world.

If you find yourself saying that you're willing to go deeper but your mother isn't, there's hope. If it's more than you can do even to be in the same room with your mother, I still encourage you to hold a space in your heart for healing and continue to think of her becoming a friend. The power of prayer and positive intention is no longer just a religious ritual. As you'll discover when you read the spirituality chapter, research has shown that asking a higher power for a positive outcome and holding that desire in a space of love literally heals people from a distance. If you remain open and willing, your relationship will shift. It may be barely noticeable at first, so pay close attention, and trust your intention and intuition.

When I started writing this book, my friend Linda said that she thought the book was a great idea, but it wouldn't work for her. When I asked why, she said that her mother, a first-generation German, didn't believe in sharing any of her own personal feelings or family memories because it's private and "no one else's business." (The German culture, Linda explained, can be very reserved and private.) Having met her mother a few times at family gatherings and finding her warm and outgoing, this was new information to me. I was surprised to learn that Linda, who is strong, assertive, emotionally sensitive, and smart, had longed for a deeper connection with her mother but hadn't been able to achieve that breakthrough. Linda explained that she had sensitively approached her mother several times, asking to know her at a more personal level, all of which led to her mother's withdrawal. Finally Linda had given up. I explained the idea of time, friendship, and positive intention (you'll learn about this in just a few pages) to her. I told her that if we visualize a positive outcome, watch for an opening, say what we need to say with love, and are persistent, miracles can happen. That was a year ago. She agreed that was true for some people, but probably not with her mother.

Four months later we talked again, and Linda said there had been no change, but she had decided to remain patiently persistent "to the end," hoping that things could change in the future. I offered to send her a first draft of the chapter on conflict, which she accepted.

I called Linda tonight -- it's been six months since we last talked. She told me there was still no real change, but as I listened to her, I heard change everywhere. She said, "One day my mother, sister, and I were driving in the car recently when my mother started to share a story about her own mother. I jumped in excitedly and said one word, 'Really?' which led to my mother's turning silent. I withdrew too. Later my sister told me that the reason she had more success than I did in hearing our mother's stories was because I showed too much emotion, which made our German mother very uncomfortable. My sister said she got more stories from Mom because she learned to stay very calm and quiet when Mom was talking about personal things."

What an insight! A positive intention of "I want to know my mother and I will be patiently persistent until the end" led to a small breakthrough and tremendous awareness for future conversations.

Determine What You Want from Your Conversation

Why do you want to talk to your mother? What do you hope to gain by having a heart-to-heart conversation? When you know what you want to achieve, you'll be able to ask the right questions at the right time and in the right place. You may have several items you want to address, because your relationship with your mother is multidimensional. Several typical reasons for starting a mother-daughter dialogue are listed in the box below. They're not all-inclusive by any means, and I've provided them simply to get you started. Choose as many reasons as you think are relevant, and feel free to add your own.

As the relationship with your mother evolves, your ambitions and desires may change. You may discover that you've outgrown an area of concern. You may, for instance, no longer need confirmation that Mom loves you. You may want to find out information on a family member, or to learn why Mom never wants to talk about her health, or to know where she keeps her legal documents, or, hard as it is to discuss, to learn what her last wishes are.

Why Do You Want to Talk to Your Mom?

__To fill in a memory?

__To confirm your experiences?

__To talk to her about her health?

__To resolve a disagreement?

__To air a family secret?

__To gain (or earn) approval?

__To get more attention and nurturing?

__To share your spiritual beliefs?

__To relieve your guilt?

__To be forgiven?

__To take your relationship to a deeper level?

__To appreciate and celebrate her?

Turn Your Reason into an Intention

Select the one reason that seems most important to you, and write it out -- for example:

I want totalk to my mother about her health.
I want tofind out the truth about my adoption.
I want toknow what she thinks about getting older.

This will become your intention. Having a solid reason for beginning the journey will keep you focused and also influence the outcome. It will serve to shape your conversations and smooth any rough edges along the way. If you get stuck, return to this intention and say it out loud to yourself.

What Questions Should I Ask?

After you understand some of the reasons why you want to deepen your relationship with your mother, make a list of questions in your journal. Base your questions on the intention you decided on. Let your mind wander. Don't worry about whether she'll answer them or what you'll sound like. This is a starting point. You can worry about how to articulate your questions later.

Sample Intention and Questions

My intention: I want to talk to my mother about her health.

Are there any medical conditions in our family history (grandparents, aunts, uncles on both sides of our family) that I'm not aware of yet?
What concerns you most about your health?
If you became seriously ill, how would you like me to respond?

The list is limited only by your interest, imagination, and comfort level. These are the same questions you'd want to ask a new friend -- not a one-dimensional cardboard figure created by circumstance: mother. Not a perpetually frowning or rejecting parent. Whatever cliché you maintain about your mom, it's only part of the story. There's much more.

Practice Active Listening

In my work as a professional speaker and trainer in the areas of communication and stress management, I often ask, "What is one of the best ways a person can show you appreciation?" The most common response I've received from the thousands of people I've encountered is: "When a person listens to me." Following are five suggestions to help you become a better listener in conversations with your mother.

Suspend judgment.At this point you're probably making lists in your mind of all the times your mother was judgmental -- all the times you wanted her to have an open mind and she had to tell you what you were doing wrong. Psychologists call thisstockpiling,and it doesn't accomplish a thing except make it harder to move forward. Throw away your list. At such times turn-around is not fair play. Suspending judgment is probably one of the hardest things you're going to have to do in your mother's presence. If you find yourself disagreeing with her or disliking what she's saying, try repeating to yourself, "Open mind, open heart," as a way to diffuse the negative thought. Visualize yourself opening up like a beautiful rose. Remember that you're an adult with discretionary power over your life. She can't keep you from eating cookies in bed or watching television past your bedtime or playing hooky from work. You asked for her opinion. She's giving it to you. Be willing to hear it. You'll find a gold mine if you can stay open.
Let her finish her sentences.Interrupting shuts down communication. Let your mother finish her sentences before you speak up. You will find that if you pause just a little longer than you are usually comfortable with, you'll get more information.
Clarify your understanding.Repeat back to your mother in your own words what you think she said and ask if that is what she meant: "Mom, let me make sure I'm on the same wavelength as you. When you said that you couldn't believe how things turned out, did you mean that you were pleased with what actually happened?"
Acknowledge what she says.Acknowledge your mother's feelings. This doesn't mean you are necessarily agreeing with her, simply that you understand. This is one of the most effective methods of listening, validating, and understanding a person that I have ever come across. Here are three examples:
"It looks as if..."or"It sounds as if..."or"It seems as if..."[you are disappointed things turned out the way they did; you wish we were going out].
"I'm wondering if you're feeling..." [annoyed that I'm late; sad that I couldn't make it].
"I'm guessing that you..." [were scared about what would have happened if you hadn't been there; are excited about going to the Caribbean].
Ask open-ended questions.Open-ended questions give you more than yes or no answers. They give you more detailed information -- for example:
"What happened once you knew the answer?" [Rather than, "Did you discover the answer?"]
"What kinds of things did you do?" [Rather than, "Did you go out to dinner?"]
"How did you come to that conclusion?" [Rather than, "Why did you do that?"]

Visualize a Positive Outcome

Lee became worried when her very active, and aging, mother suddenly stopped bowling. Lee was afraid to say anything. She was afraid her mother would explain that she was preparing to die. After changing her intention from one of worry to one of curiosity, and visualizing her mother as a healthy person, Lee finally broached the subject: "Did you quit bowling because of health problems, Mother?" Lee's mother's response was succinct: "The other team members died or had strokes. It was too hard to field a new team, so I moved on. Now I'm in a kitchen band; I play a percussion tool -- a washboard." Lee was relieved and realized how important it was for her own peace of mind to shift her perspective from worry to curiosity.

Before you begin a new chapter with your mother, get yourself in the right frame of mind so that you are physically and emotionally comfortable. Preparation includes relaxing and imagining a positive outcome. Spend five minutes with this relaxation exercise to loosen up.

Find a quiet room away from distractions -- a place where you feel warm and safe.

Sit in a comfortable position.

Close your eyes and relax. Count slowly from ten down to one each time you breathe in. Relax your body as you breathe out.

Imagine you are sitting at the kitchen table with your mother, savoring a batch of her freshly baked cookies or your favorite meal. You're feeling happy and safe.

Imagine reaching out across the table and taking your mother's hand. You look into your mother's eyes and send her unconditional love. She smiles and sends her love back to you through her eyes.

Notice your mother breathing in harmony with you. With each breath, you feel closer and more loving with each other.

Stay with this feeling of connection and love for a few minutes. Then gently bring your awareness back to the room. In your mind's ear, hear your mother thank you for your love. Thank her in return.

Throughout the rest of the day, allow yourself to drift back to the images, sounds, and feelings that surfaced when you and your mother sat quietly together. Bring this feeling with you the next time you sit down to talk with your mother.

Establish a Positive Direction

You want your first conversation to be as easy and nonalarming as possible, opening the door only as far as it feels comfortable. You are both on a journey to get past obstacles that have been preventing you from knowing each other as whole human beings -- woman to woman, friend to friend.

Recovering memories, discovering secrets, and uncovering the truth is a process, so if your intention is to ask difficult questions, work up to them. It helps to build rapport with lighter subjects, to create an atmosphere that is warm and conducive to confiding. If you expect that your mother will be resistant to your questioning and suggestions, make sure to read Conversation 5, which covers how to deal with conflict. You'll find sixteen common answers that a resistant mother might say when asked a question, followed by specific words you can respond with to keep the conversation going.

The best way to start a dialogue with your mother is to make a statement of positive direction. Positive direction is stating your intention in optimistic language.

Sample Statements of Positive Direction

"Mom, I found this book of questions that would help us know each other better and that would be fun to do together."
"To help us patch up that disagreement we had, I'd like to talk with you for a few minutes about what happened and figure out a better way to do it next time."
"I really appreciate it when you tell me what's going on for you. It makes it easier for me to be honest with you."

When Is the Best Time to Begin?

Consider the optimal timing for both of you. Your timing is as individual as your relationship. There's no "right" time, and there's no "perfect" place.

Judith's relationship with her mother took a dramatic turn one night when the dishwasher died at the end of a large and elaborate Thanksgiving dinner. All through the night, as mother and daughter hand-washed and dried pots, pans, dishes, glassware, and silverware, they talked and reminisced, discovering bonds each thought were severed. Sometime in the early hours of the morning, mother and daughter hugged, having reconnected in a way that had eluded them for years.

Fortuitous accidents can happen, but don't count on the dishwasher's breaking to start the ball rolling. Anticipate an occasion when you can rely on goodwill and warmth to open the communication channels. Here are some ideas -- feel free to add your own.

Birthdays
Family reunions
Your parents' anniversary
During the holidays after a meal
On a lazy afternoon with nothing much going on

Where Is the Best Place to Talk?

The best place to talk could be anywhere. But remember that in a situation when you may be feeling like Daniel in the lion's den, you'll always feel safer and more in control if you're in your own room or a space from which you can easily exit. If your mother tends to emote loudly, a private space, rather than a restaurant or café, may be preferable. If your mother needs to be outside her own home in order to open up, a walk in the park may be perfect. Choose a place to chat where both of you are relaxed and at your ease. A traffic jam or the anteroom in a dentist's office where you're waiting for root canal might not be optimal. Don't let your anxiety sabotage communication.

Just because you think getting to know your mother better is a great idea doesn't mean your mother will, so choose your time and place carefully.

Best Places to Talk with Your Mother

Sitting on her bed
Sitting at the kitchen table
On the phone
While shopping
During the commercials while watching a TV movie
In a letter or journal that you send to share with each other

Once you have decided on the time and place, consider how to ask your first question, and mentally rehearse how you'd like the conversation to turn out.

How Do I Create the Right Mood?

Consider your own emotional state when you're about to engage in a heart-to-heart with your mom. The week you break up with the man of yesterday's dreams, or lose your job, or get hit with a huge tax bill may not be the best time to expect yourself to be open and giving. Think about the following, and add your own ideas to the list.

Are you and your mother more at ease with each other in the morning, at lunch, or at the end of the day?
Are you rested and relaxed? Or have you just come through a crisis?
Is there something going on in your life that you need to resolve on your own before you talk with your mother?

What's the Best Way to Record Her Answers?

You have several options. The important thing is to do it. One of the nicest mementos I have of my mother is her voice on audiotape. I wish I had videotaped her too. Until your mother is no longer with you, you have no idea how precious the sound of her voice is, especially when she says, "I love you."

Here are several options that work well.

Write a letter to your mother, and ask her to write back.
Give her a gift of stationery, and include your first letter in the box.
Buy or borrow a hand-held audiocassette recorder, and tape your questions. Give your mom the recorder, show her how to use it, and ask her to record her answers at her leisure. Do this for each question or session. You'll be able to keep more than your memory of her.
Videotape her. But realize that being taped makes some people self-conscious.
Talk in person. Take notes while she's talking, or record your thoughts in your journal within an hour after you've been together.
As you talk on the phone, record her voice on your answering machine. Use a different tape from the one you ordinarily use for your machine, and remember to change it.

The Chinese have a saying: "The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." You've taken that crucial first step by planning how best to approach your mother. Congratulations! Many people fail in their communications because they never think about what results they want, how to say what they want to say, or what the other person may need in order to give you the results they want. You have. Celebrate!

As long as one keeps searching, the answers come.

-- JOAN BAEZ (interview)

Activities to Do with Your Mom

To create rapport before you begin your question -- asking or while you're asking questions, consider the following activities.

__Go out for a special lunch once a month.

__Cook or bake together.

__Ask your mother to include you in an activity she and her friends normally do together.

__Invite your mother to participate in an activity with you and your friends.

__Have a mother-daughter brunch with your friends and your mother's friends.

__See a therapist together.

__Take a vacation together.

__Watch a video together about mother-daughter relationships:

Beloved.A slave is visited by her deceased daughter's spirit.
Eating.A realistic look at the role food plays in women's lives, including a sixtyish mother at her daughter's fortieth birthday party.
Home for the Holidays.A humorous and touching story about a thirtyish daughter who goes home to her parents' home for Thanksgiving.
The Joy Luck Club.Through flashbacks, four Asian women learn more about their mothers' pasts and themselves.
One True Thing.A thirtyish daughter returns home to care for her mother who has been diagnosed with cancer.
Postcards from the Edge.An actress who lived in her actress mother's shadow is forced to move back in with her mother and learns to change her life.
Sense and Sensibility.A mother and her three daughters in the late eighteenth century lose their inheritance and look for men to marry.
Terms of Endearment.A tearjerker that shows the love and differences between a mother and daughter in their day-to-day lives.

Questions to Ask Yourself

Why do I want to talk with my mother?
What is my intention in talking with Mom?
What questions do I want to ask her?
When is the best time to talk?
Where is the best time to talk?
How will I create the right mood?
How will I record her answers?
What listening techniques will most help me keep communication open?

Excerpted from My Mother, My Friend: The Ten Most Important Things to Talk about with Your Mother by Mary Marcdante
All rights reserved by the original copyright owners. Excerpts are provided for display purposes only and may not be reproduced, reprinted or distributed without the written permission of the publisher.