The New Codependency; Help and Guidance for Today's Generation

by Melody Beattie

• ISBN13: 9781439101926
• ISBN10: 1439101922
• Edition: 1st
• Format: Hardcover
• Copyright: 2008-12-30
• Publisher: Simon & Schuster

Summary

In her first major work in decades, the follow-up to the national bestseller "Codependent No More," Beattie identifies how codependent behavior has changed and shows readers how to get back their lives by choosing behaviors that work for them.

Table of Contents

Crossing Lines and Getting Back over Them Again
Taking Care of Ourselves	p. 1
How to Use This Handbook	p. 4
What Codependency Is and Isn't	p. 8
The New Codependency	p. 11
Letting Go of Stigma from the Label	p. 15
Breaking Free from the Control Trap and Getting Some Grace
The Evolving Art of Self-Care	p. 19
Boundaries	p. 24
Caretaking	p. 40
Chemically Dependent and Codependent	p. 59
Communication	p. 78
Control	p. 95
Denial	p. 103
Dependency	p. 105
A New Legacy from Our Family of Origin	p. 109
Giving and Receiving	p. 115
Self-Love Is Contagious	p. 119
Manipulation	p. 124
Let's Play	p. 129
Nurturing	p. 132
Obsession	p. 136
The Secrets to Power	p. 140
Codependency Progression	p. 145
Healing What Hurts	p. 148
The Freedom to Be Who We Are	p. 151
Nonresistance	p. 154
Sexual Intimacy and Codependency	p. 157
Surrendering Our Way into Grace	p. 168
Making a Conscious Connection with Yourself
Emotional Health Quiz	p. 178
Anger Quiz	p. 185
Fear Quiz	p. 192
Drama and Misery Addiction Quiz	p. 198
Guilt Quiz	p. 206
Grief and Loss Quiz	p. 215
Catch and Release: It's Only a Feeling
Opening Pandora's Box	p. 223
Dealing with Feelings	p. 236
Fear	p. 240
Company Doesn't Love Misery	p. 242
Guilt	p. 244
The Way to the Heart	p. 250
Troubleshooting Guide
What to Do When	p. 257
How to Find Help for Almost Everything	p. 268
Table of Contents provided by Ingram. All Rights Reserved.

Excerpts

SECTION ONE Crossing Lines and Getting Back over Them Again 1 Taking Care of OurselvesI know what it's like to lose yourself so badly that you don't know if there's ayouor ever was one. I spent thirty years not knowing what boundaries were and another ten learning to set them. I gave until I was depleted and needed someone to take care of me. I threatened, begged, hinted, and manipulated to get what I wanted. I was convinced that I knew what was best for other people. I got so busy teaching them their lessons that I forgot to learn mine.Within minutes of meeting a man, I was sure I'd met my soul mate. A few hours later, I'd fantasize about the wedding. That's how it happened on television. Isn't that how it happened in life? I'd spend two years trying to get into a relationship, and the next five trapped, clawing my way out. I obsessed until my head ached. Literally, it hurt. I didn't know what feelings were. Whenever I said I felt something, people said, "Don't feel that!"Like millions of other women and men, I was victimized as a child. Instead of holding the perpetrators responsible, I blamed myself.There's something wrong with me,I thought. I didn't see the bad things that happened to me happening to anyone else. Feeling like we caused the problem is a legitimate stage of grief. Feeling ashamed is normal when we've been abused. Blaming ourselves is a survival skill. It helps us feel in control when life doesn't make sense and being abused doesn't make any sense at all.Besides, aren't women supposed to suffer? We sacrifice ourselves. I became a martyr. I thought taking care of other people was my job. If I took care of them, I hoped they'd return the favor and take care of me. But that didn't happen. People expected me to take care of them once I started that pattern. There were many reasons I didn't take care of myself. The wordnowasn't in my vocabulary. Good people were selfless. Loving myself was out of the question. Selfish! But the biggest reason I didn't take care of myself is that I didn't know how to.Many of us didn't (or don't) know about self-care. It wasn't written about in books or talked about in school. We get user manuals for simple products, but we don't get a handbook for life. We stumble through complex situations, figuring things out for ourselves. Controlling and taking care of others -- the entire package of codependent behaviors -- become survival tools, living skills that we think will keep us safe. Then one day these behaviors turn on us. Our relationships and lives stop working and we don't know why. By then these survival behaviors are habits. They're all we know how to do.If I had the years back I spent worrying about how the things I couldn't control were going to turn out, I'd have a third of my life to live over. That would be a life in which I wouldn't feel responsible for everyone or feel guilty all the time. I wouldn't waste energy controlling, enabling, and obsessively rescuing people -- the "helpful" things codependents do that don't really help. I'd let people take care of their responsibilities and I'd take care of mine. I wouldn't let people hurt me. I'd set boundaries -- sayno. I wouldn't do only what other people wanted me to do; I'd do what I wanted, too. This time my giving would come from my heart, and my helping would actually help. I wouldn't judge everything that happened as wrong, including what I did, said, thought, and felt. I'd let life unfold, people be who they are, and I'd let myself be me. This time, I'd have the courage to experience true love.I'd trust my intuition. If something didn't feel right, I'd know it probably wasn't. If I felt sad, I'd cry. If I felt angry, I'd feel that. I wouldn't ignore emotions until I imploded in illness or exploded in rage. I'd get out of my head and into my heart. I'd deal with my and others' feelings without all th