Parenting an Only Child The Joys and Challenges of Raising Your One and Only

by Newman, Susan

• ISBN13: 9780767906296
• ISBN10: 0767906292
• Edition: 1st
• Format: Paperback
• Copyright: 2001-08-14
• Publisher: Harmony

Summary

Is it possible to raise a contented only child? Can we be happy with only one child? The answer to both of these questions is a resounding yes. In recent years, the number of couples choosing to have one child has risen sharply. Whether it's by choice or fate, having a single child presents unique considerations, opportunities, and advantages. Social psychologist Susan Newman, who has been studying single-child families since the 1980s, shatters the myths of the lonely, spoiled only child, and provides in-depth coverage of the critical issues including: Making the right family size decision for you Withstanding the pressure to have another Maintaining a balance of power in a three-member household Single-parenting the only child Setting boundaries with a child who is used to having your undivided attention Fostering high achievement, creativity, and independence in only children The effects of having parents, instead of siblings, as role models Confronting age-old only-child stereotypes Building family networks and other support systems for the future Presenting fascinating findings and family stories, Dr. Newman shares her knowledge and gives down-to-earth advice, making this the most accessible, up-to-date handbook of its kind. For couples who are already raising an only child, or for those who are exploring the option,Parenting an Only Childoffers encouraging clarity and singular insight. Now with a new resource section.

Table of Contents

Introduction	xi
PART I: CONSIDERING THE ONLY CHILD
The New Traditional Family	3	(26)
The Way It Was	5	(2)
The Trend Toward One	7	(6)
Childbearing Realities	13	(5)
Adoption-A Choice	18	(4)
Why Only One	22	(4)
One Fills the Bill	26	(3)
Debunking the Myths	29	(24)
Labeling-Myth Versus Fact	33	(15)
The Leading Edge	48	(4)
One Is Best If	52	(1)
The Inner Workings of the Threesome	53	(26)
The Personal Issues	54	(15)
The Practical Issues	69	(10)
The Inner Workings of the Twosome	79	(20)
Beware of the Intensity	84	(2)
Set Time Aside for Yourself	86	(1)
Enlarge Your Circle of Support	87	(5)
Once There Was Enough Time	92	(7)
PART II: PARENTING AN ONLY CHILD
Working Attitudes	99	(17)
Think Big	100	(3)
Am I Doing It Right?	103	(2)
Moderation Is the Goal	105	(4)
Certain Concerns Are Realistic	109	(1)
Don't Focus on Oneness	110	(2)
Whose Life Is It Anyway?	112	(4)
The Specifics	116	(25)
Center Stage: Pros and Cons	116	(4)
Balance Receiving with Giving	120	(2)
Teach Sharing and Respect for Others	122	(2)
Set Boundaries; Define Acceptable Behavior	124	(3)
Too Much of a Good Thing	127	(4)
Money Matters	131	(2)
Who's Running the Show?	133	(5)
The Wedge, the Pawn, and Other Manipulations	138	(3)
Great Expectations	141	(19)
Warning Signs: Too Much Pressure	144	(1)
Look at Your Child Realistically	145	(3)
The Super-child Syndrome	148	(2)
The Race to Educate	150	(2)
Blinders On	152	(3)
State-of-the-Art Child	155	(2)
Babying the Baby . . . Or, All Grown Up at Four	157	(3)
Onlies Need Not Be Lonely	160	(19)
Friends Are Vital	163	(4)
Lessons Friends Teach	167	(3)
The More the Merrier	170	(3)
Alone, but Not Lonely	173	(6)
PART III: MAKING THE RIGHT DECISION
Just One More	179	(18)
Grandparents Are Most Enthusiastic	182	(2)
Keeping Up with the Joneses	184	(3)
Hitting Home	187	(10)
Pressuring Yourselves	197	(19)
Ask Yourselves	198	(3)
Husband Pressures Wife; Wife Pressures Husband	201	(6)
The Wrong Reasons	207	(6)
Being a Family Without Being Overburdened	213	(3)
Future Issues Without Siblings	216	(14)
Safeguarding Your Only	219	(3)
Cultivating a Support System	222	(2)
For the Long Haul	224	(6)
An Only-the Only Way to Go	230	(15)
Master Plan for Minor Pitfalls	230	(3)
Nicholas D'Elia (Age Five): Profile of an Only	233	(1)
Only Children Have Their Say	234	(2)
Being an Only Is a Huge Break	236	(3)
The Myth Was ... The Reality Is	239	(6)
Notes	245	(14)
Resources	259

Excerpts

1

The New Traditional Family

Is it a factor of economic restraints, more complex lives, increased infertility, pure good sense, or something else that is changing the makeup of the family unit?

When you were growing up, you probably knew or knew of a family with four or five, even eight, children. In those days, raising a station wagon-size family neither attracted attention nor caused alarm. But mention a family with five or six children today and someone is certain to groan, "How do they do it?" "Why do they do it?" "There must be a better way." There seems to be.

Never before have there been so many choices in family type or size. Our ever-evolving definition of family is broadening and diversifying to encompass blended families, biracial families, homosexual-parent families, and single-parent families. Even though family policy and laws are slow in catching up to current lifestyles, different choices are widely accepted, especially those revolving around single, or gay and lesbian parenting and adoption. Families are getting smaller and the only-child option is becoming increasingly popular.

The preference for smaller families is evident. In 1972, 56 percent of those asked in a large national opinion study thought that three or more children were ideal; in a similar study done in 1998 that percentage had dropped to 39.1 Although both men and women may still state a preference for two or three children, the number of women who have one child mounts steadily.

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, in 1972 there were between 8 and 9 million only children. By 1985 the number had grown to 13 million, and by the beginning of the new millennium it approached the 16 million mark, confirming psychologist Sandra Scarr's claim in the mid-eighties that "many serious parents . . . are planning to invest their best efforts in one or at the most two children."2

Those who study demographics agree that the one-child household is the fastest-growing family unit. It surprises many people to learn that one-child families outnumber families with two children and have for more than a decade. "Fertility rates in many places are dropping rapidly, especially in the richest countries, where, to put it simply, any two people are not producing two more people."3 There are a number of explanations for this trend. People marry later, leaving them fewer childbearing years and a greater chance of facing infertility or secondary infertility; more and more people opt to have and raise a child as single parents and one is realistically all they can handle; one out of almost every two marriages ends in divorce, often before a second child is considered or born, and predictions are that divorce rates will not change much in the foreseeable future.

But probably one of the greatest influences on the changing family is the influx of women into the workforce. Over 77 percent of women with children work, many with young children. By 1998, 67 percent of parents both held jobs outside the home.4

Beyond the stresses of working, many feel a second child is more of a financial strain than they can, or want to, undertake.

Long gone is what we once called the typical or "average" family that was made up of two children, a father who worked, and a mother who stayed home to raise her children. Today, that family as we knew it, of Ozzie and Harriet fame, makes up barely 3 percent of American families.5 Whether women work outside the home or devote themselves to their families full-time, the family is smaller. Over one-fifth--and climbing--of all families with children has one child. Between 1980 and 1990, there was an increase of 76 percent in the number of women ages forty to forty-four with one child, who, because of their ages, were unlikely to bear a second. If changes in childbearing patterns and family styles continue, which they are more than likely to do, it's safe to predict that more and more families will have one child.

The Way It Was

Forty, thirty, or even twenty years ago an only child was not the desired lot. Although there were exceptions, in most cases if a couple had an only child, something had intervened to prevent them from adding to their family.

What we view as normal in the childbearing arena has a lot to do with what was considered normal as we were growing up. Decisions about how many children to have are equally affected by what is accepted at the time we are deciding. "I had two children because at the time [thirty years ago] it was the American thing to do," explains Betty Plumlee.

Susan Leites talks about the childbearing milieu thirty years ago. "Many women admitted they were afraid to take care of themselves. They married and had the obligatory two or three children whether or not they wanted them. It was the 'right' thing to do. Having one was easy for me because I was a painter committed to my career. I had rebelled anyway; I didn't feel constrained to follow the norm. I don't think the number of children a woman had then corresponded to how she felt about having children. Women followed the conventions of the time."

Says Jamie Laughridge, a former editor of Woman's Day Specials: Bridal Magazine, "It was so much easier for our grandparents and parents. They didn't know what we know or have the career opportunities we have. Women's lives were mapped out: You fell in love, got married, had children. No concern over options or how many children to have. No fears of being trapped in the house or of losing your job if you took too many or too lengthy maternity leaves because mothers weren't supposed to have jobs. It seems women may have been better off. We simply know too much."

In the past there were many reasons why people felt the need to have more than one child. For one thing, children were more isolated. Parents feared the spread of disease. A child with strep throat or chicken pox stayed home for two or three weeks. Swimming in public pools was avoided during the polio scare.

Today children are immunized against most childhood diseases and given antibiotics for the less serious illnesses. Usually they return to school and their normal routines within days. "The absence of 'health isolation' was one of the factors that made me feel having only one was okay," admits Susan Leites.

Higher mortality rates were also a factor early in the previous century. Today's parents are not faced with the threat of smallpox, influenza, and many other diseases that took young lives. Unless you need extra bodies to harvest the crops and milk the cows as families did in colonial America, more than one offers no economic gain.

"Around the world there is a pattern of one man and one woman raising one baby for about four years, that is through infancy," theorizes Helen Fisher, Ph.D., author of The Sex Contract: The Evolution of Human Behavior. "Similarly, around the world there is a pattern of couples divorcing after about four years of marriage. About 25 percent of worldwide divorces occur with one dependent child. So we are going back to that trend which is quite suitable.

"In hunting and gathering societies a woman bore four to five children, but only one to two lived. Women tended to bear their children four years apart," explains Dr. Fisher. "For four years each child was an only child, nursed and nurtured by his mother within a large social group. After about four years the child became more independent of the mother, actively joining the huge social network on which he depended. This natural four-year cycle of childbearing parallels the universal divorce peak that comes in the fourth year of marriage."

Based on her findings, Dr. Fisher believes that "being an only child is a common incident in human family life that has probably been going on forever."

The Trend Toward One

During the baby boom years, when the parenting tune was, "A boy for me, a girl for you," the percentage of families with one child ranged between 10 and 13 percent. Today that percentage pushes toward 30. The same phenomenon can be seen in European countries, which were the first to see slower birth rates. Italy has the lowest birth rate per woman at 1.2; Spain and Germany follow at 1.3 children per woman; and Ireland's is 1.8, dropping from 3.5 children in 1975.6 America appears to be following Europe in the reduced bearing of children as well as in the diversity of family structure. In China, one child per family was the national goal and a public mandate was enforced in an effort to control population. From 1979 until recently, China's strict one-child policy included steep fines for bearing a second child, forced abortions, and sterilization.

This book is neither a plea for zero population growth, nor an extended argument centered on preserving our natural resources and Social Security reserves by limiting families to one child. Rather it looks at societal and personal attitudes toward bearing children and the realities that surround those feelings and decisions. Having babies is too private and too irrevocable to be determined by dated ideals and social pressure or by legal standards and threats, as the Chinese government finally recognized. Japan, a country with one of the lowest birthrates in the world, is attempting to use government and business influences to increase the number of births. Japan's strategy is the reverse of China's--companies are offering bonus dollars and the government is providing monthly subsidies to parents who have second, third, and more children.7

In theory, Americans can still have or adopt all the babies they would like, but parents, especially mothers, are pulled in many directions, presented with other options beyond having large families, and concerned about how to meet the demands and needs of the child they have.

Roughly twenty-seven years ago Maggie Tripp delineated what would eventually become one of the underlying motivations for keeping families small. How right she was! In the book Woman in the Year 2000, she wrote, ". . . there are literally thousands of people testing a new kind of marriage. It is a marriage changed primarily by a new breed of woman--and by men who accept, desire, prefer her. She is the un-dependent woman. She knows what she wants and what she wants includes her own development as a self-contained entity. By the year 2000, all women of intelligence will emulate her."8

Now into the millennium, women no longer muse and mumble over what might have been. They take action. On average, over 50 percent of women are likely to start or continue some form of higher education,9 enter law or medical school, or pursue graduate work in fields once controlled by men.

Women head major corporations, hold key government and executive positions, run their own successful businesses, and match their male counterparts in training, performance, and technical skills in myriad fields. A comparison between women in 1983 and today is striking. In 1983, 7 percent of dentists were women versus today's 17 percent; among female lawyers the jump during the same years was from 15 percent to 29 percent. Today there are more policewomen and female security guards than in the 80s--13 percent were women in 1983; today the figure is 29 percent.10 Similar inroads can be seen in the accounting, computer programming, and medical professions, among many others.

The influx of women into the workforce has greatly altered childbearing patterns. Whether or not women hold jobs outside the home, they have a new purpose beyond making babies, as Maggie Tripp predicted. To them, bearing two children no longer seems as compelling as it did to their mothers. Women do not bear children--especially second children--without seriously examining the effects on their family.

Lisa Turk's analysis is germane to many women today. "I know some people think when you have one child that you are not very maternal or think you like your job better than you do your child, but I love everything about being a mother. Work is not more important to me, but it is part of my life, a big part of who I am. I know I would have to give up a lot professionally and economically if I had a second child."

Since the mid-1960s young men have been less able to support families on their own.11 We've known for a long time that working mothers are also good mothers and that work does not put their children's development or well-being in jeopardy. The difference now is that many mothers work as an economic necessity and/or to provide more for their children, especially better education. To working mothers, the juggling and the stress are worth it.

"One doesn't simply 'have kids' anymore, as a part of the natural course of life's events," Cheryl Merser aptly states in her 1987 book about thirty-year-olds, "Grown-Ups": A Generation in Search of Adulthood.12

The number of married couples with children declined sharply between the seventies and the end of the nineties, from 45 percent to 26 percent. In fact, fewer people are marrying and they are marrying later; marriage among 35-44-year-old women increased 78 percent in the last decade.13 In real numbers, the marriage statistic is the lowest it's been since 1958--8.3 out of every 1,000 Americans marry. In major cities like New York, the marriage rate fell 30 percent during the late nineties; Houston saw a drop of 23 percent between 1995 and 1999.14

This doesn't mean that women are giving up their maternal rights for careers and personal adventures. Quite the contrary. "Very few women get to their late thirties," Dr. Daniel Levinson, psychologist and authority on the stages of life, told a New York Times reporter, "without strongly wanting to have children." But as his eight-year study of women in the United States makes perfectly clear, women cannot depend on marriage lasting forever.15

Arden Holmes, married briefly during her twenties and a successful computer stock analyst, could have been part of Levinson's study. "It suddenly struck me at the age of forty-seven that work was not everything. A desire to have a child seemed more important to me. I was so amazed by the change in my thinking, I asked a psychiatrist friend if she thought I had lost my mind. Her response was, 'No, you've found it.' "

Linda Marsh fits the Levinson profile, too. "I wasn't planning on having children, then around my thirtieth birthday, I felt the urge. We just did it," thirty-five-year-old Ms. Marsh explains. "We felt another would be emotionally impossible for us, thank goodness." The Marshes have divorced.

No matter how in love you are at the moment or how "forever" you feel your marriage will be, there's a distinct possibility that one partner could wind up raising the children by him- or herself. Single parenthood is a reality in this country. Certainly food for thought during childbearing years and a compelling reason to have second thoughts about a second child. By all accounts, parenting one child alone is far more manageable than parenting multiples. The current divorce statistics are not surprising to Dr. Fisher, who adds, "I think the human animal was designed for a series of peer bonds." Marriage predictions for the twenty-first century strongly support Fisher's thinking--most divorced people will remarry, but there will be a longer period of time between marriages.16

---

Excerpted from Parenting an Only Child: A Guide to Diagnosing and Finding Help for Your Child's Reading Difficulties by Susan Newman
All rights reserved by the original copyright owners. Excerpts are provided for display purposes only and may not be reproduced, reprinted or distributed without the written permission of the publisher.