Planning Memorial Celebrations : A Sourcebook

by Baker, Rob

• ISBN13: 9780609804049
• ISBN10: 0609804049
• Format: Trade Paper
• Copyright: 1999-10-01
• Publisher: Three Rivers Press

Summary

Memorial services are not so much rites for the dead as celebrations by the living and for the living of the lives of those who have died. Such ceremonies are an important way of saying good-bye, yet most people are not sure exactly what to do when the task of arranging one falls to them. Here is a practical and supportive guide, explaining how to cope with all the details when efficiency is furthest from your mind: Timing, place, and who should participate Selecting a minister or spiritual leader Choosing the right words and music Writing a eulogy Setting the scene with flowers, photos, and mementos Bringing closure by providing food, drink, and companionship afterward In addition to two sample memorial services, an annotated bibliography and discography, and a listing of memorial societies throughout the country, Rob Baker offers helpful information and advice on funerals, cremation, undertakers (including where to look on the Web to evaluate what they have to offer), donating the body or its organs for medical purposes, as well as a brief history of funerary traditions.

Table of Contents

Foreword: Time and Remembrance	p. ix
First Steps	p. 1
Memorials at the Time of Death
The Standard Solution: Using the Services of Professionals	p. 9
First Alternative: Cremation	p. 24
Second Alternative: Private Service and Home Burial	p. 28
Third Alternative: Donation of the Body for Medical Purposes	p. 32
A Brief Background of American Funeral Customs	p. 35
Historical and Non-Western Funeral Traditions	p. 40
The Question of Cost	p. 51
Delayed Memorials
Timing, Place, and Participation	p. 59
Special Circumstances	p. 64
Spreading the Word: Not Leaving Anyone Uninvited	p. 68
Finding Music for the Service	p. 72
The Right Words: Selecting Poetry and Prose	p. 77
Writing Eulogies	p. 84
Choosing Spiritual or Scriptural References	p. 93
Balancing the Segments of the Service	p. 102
Setting the Scene: Flowers, Photos, Personal Mementos	p. 106
Post-Celebration Activities: Food, Drink, Camaraderie	p. 111
Lasting Memorials	p. 115
Epilogue: Closure: Continuing the Process	p. 119
Two Sample Memorial Services	p. 122
Memorial Societies in the United States	p. 135
Bibliography	p. 146
Discography	p. 156
Endnotes	p. 179
Table of Contents provided by Syndetics. All Rights Reserved.

Excerpts

Cremation
I went behind the scenes at the end of the service and saw the real tiling [of the crematorium]. --People are afraid to see it; but it is wonderful. --I found there the violet coffin opposite another door, a real unmistakable furnace door. --When it lifted there was a plain little chamber of cement and firebrick. --No heat. --No noise. --No roaring draught. --No flame. --No feel. --It looked cool, clean, sunny, though no sun could get there. --You would have walked in or put your hand in without misgiving. --Then the violet coffin moved again and went in feet first. --And behold! The feet burst miraculously into streaming ribbons of garnet colored lovely flame, smokeless and eager, like pentecostal tongues, and as the whole coffin passed in it sprang into flame all over, and my mother became that beautiful fire.

This description by George Bernard Shaw of his mother's cremation, taken from a letter to a friend, treats the action matter-of-factly, with the sort of open-eyed objectivity we might expect from the great British dramatist and wit. --What he depicts is a natural operation cleanly and neatly executed, with no fiddle-faddle.

Cremation is exactly that, at least in the West. --It is a quintessentially secular way to deal with death and is often accompanied by no ritual or ceremony such as those associated with funerals. --

Touted as a space-efficient alternative to cemeteries, cremation is now the preferred method of body disposition in England and Japan. --In most of the United States, some 17 percent of bodies are cremated; the percentage is higher in California (40 percent) and Florida (35 percent).

The cremation process is much as Shaw described it. --A body is placed in a simple casket or "alternative container" (usually plywood, pressed wood, or even heavy cardboard--no plastic or fiberglass), then the container goes into a brick oven, usually powered by gas or electricity, and is heated for about two hours until the body is reduced to bone and the container to ash. --These remains (usually referred to by the rather ugly neologism "cremains") are then cooled and pulverized, to make sure that no large bone fragments are left intact (which could cause difficulties if they were scattered on public land or at sea and were later found by or reported to law enforcement officials). --The remains are then turned over to the survivors, in either a plain box or a decorative urn, usually the following day.

The remains can be kept by the family (usually in the decorative urn), buried (sometimes in a garden area of a conventional cemetery), scattered over land or sea, or placed in special mausoleum-type structures called columbaria.

Cremation is a popular choice with some because of:

-- Price (a third or less than the cost of the cheapest funeral-home services.
-- Convenience of arrangements (A permit to cremate is still required as well as a transport permit to the crematorium, but arrangements for viewing, services, and cemetery operations are generally not involved.)
-- Mobility of final remains (They can even be sent via Express Mail or FedEx, though UPS still refuses if it knows what's in the package.)
-- Romantic appeal of being able to scatter the "ashes" almost anywhere on land (except in California) or sea: on a mountaintop, in a river, in a favorite park or the garden of a vacation home--or to keep them in an urn on your living room mantel.

The negative trade-offs for these advantages are directly linked to the positives: the absence of any funeral service or viewing (except in rare cases, when a casket is rented and a viewing is held in the crematory chapel prior to cremation) and the impermanence of having the remains scattered or in a movable container--there is no final resting place, no grave to visit, though one could go to wherever the scattering took place, or visit the urn.

...

Here are a few more details, if you are considering cremation:

-- Pacemakers must be removed from the body prior to cremation.
-- Jewelry, glasses, and the like should be taken from the body prior to the procedure; the crematorium is not responsible for them.
-- Alternative containers for cremation should be no more than 38 inches wide and 30 inches tall.
-- If a cardboard container is used, a firm board should be placed under the body before it is transported, especially if the body is large or overweight.
-- Authorization to cremate must be obtained, either from the deceased (in writing prior to death) or the next of kin; if survivors are divided over the procedure, the crematory may refuse services.
-- Cremation must be done within 48 hours in most states; otherwise the body will have to be embalmed or refrigerated first.

The choice between cremation and burial remains a dilemma for many. --As surgeon Richard Selzer has put it:

The more I think about it, the better I like burial in the ground. --People are of two kinds, you know. Those that love nothing more than to be wrapped up snug by their environs, and those who yearn to be unfettered, airborne, wafted. --Knowing this, it is not at all amazing that some prefer interment while others opt for cremation. --It is not a reasoned choice; it is a matter of temperament.

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Excerpted from Planning Memorial Celebrations: A Sourcebook by Rob Baker
All rights reserved by the original copyright owners. Excerpts are provided for display purposes only and may not be reproduced, reprinted or distributed without the written permission of the publisher.