Real Love The Truth About Finding Unconditional Love and Fulfilling Relationships

by Baer, Greg

• ISBN13: 9781592400003
• ISBN10: 1592400000
• Format: Hardcover
• Copyright: 2003-01-27
• Publisher: Gotham

Summary

Most people spend their whole lives searching for the kinds of relationships that make them feel worthwhile, happy, and loved. But few ever truly experience them. In Real Love, Dr. Greg Baer gives readers a practical blueprint for successful relationships by illuminating the path to finding and keeping love. Real-or unconditional-Love is caring about the happiness and well-being of another person without expecting something in return. That is the secret "something" that all relationships need in order to survive and thrive, and in this inspirational, one-of-a-kind book Dr. Baer shares his secrets for attaining Real Love. You'll discover: o The crucial difference between conditional and unconditional love o What a true, loving, and independent relationship really is o The four steps to finding Real Love o How to eliminate conflicts in relationships with spouses, children, parents, siblings, friends, and colleagues o How to put an end to destructive "getting" and "protecting" behaviors o Why "imitation love"-the pursuit of money, power, sex, and approval-can never be a substitute for the real thing o The ways in which dishonesty, criticism, and blame-fixing can irrevocably damage relationships o How Real Love can break the cycles of disappointment and unhappiness, and ease and eradicate feelings of anger, resentment, and fear With Real Loveas your guide, you can begin to heal the wounds of the past and create rewarding and fulfilling relationships in every single area of your life.

Author Biography

Greg Baer, M.D., is the author of a highly successful self-published book, The Truth about Relationships, which became the basis for Real Love. Dr. Baer has appeared on over 800 radio shows, and lectures at Unity churches around the country.

Table of Contents

Acknowledgments	p. ix
Introduction	p. xi
The Missing Ingredient: What Relationships Really Need	p. 1
The Missing Ingredient
Real Love and Genuine Happiness
The Destructive Legacy of Conditional Love
Drowning for Lack of Love
Getting and Protecting: The Many Faces of Imitation Love	p. 18
The Many Faces of Imitation Love
The Cost of Imitation Love
Getting and Protecting Behaviors
Getting and Protecting (Why Do We Do That?)
I Love You Because ...
Making Choices
Changing Our Choices
Being Seen and Getting Loved: The Tale of the Wart King and the Wise Man	p. 41
The Tale of the Wart King and the Wise Man
How to Recognize and Find Real Love: Truth [right arrow] Seen [right arrow] Accepted [right arrow] Loved
The Truth About Relationships and Individual Choices
The Difference Between Asking and Expecting
Taking the Leap of Faith: Everyday Wise Men and How to Find Them	p. 63
Remember the Wart King
Being Patient: Don't Expect Brass Bands
Having a Desire to Change
Exercising Faith
Telling the Truth About Yourself
Giving Up the Getting and Protecting Behaviors
The Effect of Real Love: Like Money in the Bank	p. 117
Real Love Is Like Money in the Bank
The Effect of Real Love on the Past and the Present
Real Love: The Answer to All Our Relationship "Problems"
The Need for Consistent Real Love
Magnifying the Effect of Real Love with Gratitude
Sharing Your Fortune: The Power of Loving Others	p. 136
Loved: We Can't Give What We Don't Have
Seeing: The Elimination of Our Own Blindness
Accepting: The Natural, Peaceful Result of Seeing
Loving: Caring About the Happiness of Other People
Playing a Beautiful Duet: The Joys of Mutually Loving Relationships	p. 170
Telling the Truth About Ourselves
Telling the Truth About Our Partner
Telling the Truth All the Time
Making Requests
Working Things Out
Faith in Mutual Love
Becoming One
Real Love in All Our Relationships: Spouses, Children, Friends, and Co-workers	p. 188
The Truth About Marriage
Exclusive Relationships
Sex in Relationships
The Truth About Parenting
Family, Friends, Co-workers, and Everyone Else
Our Relationship with God
Dealing With Obstacles on the Path to Real Love: Disappointment, Anger, and Getting and Protecting Behaviors	p. 227
Eliminating Conflict
Dealing with Getting and Protecting Behaviors
Ending a Relationship (Including Divorce)
Table of Contents provided by Syndetics. All Rights Reserved.

Excerpts

INTRODUCTION Like most of us, I was told as a child that if I did all the right things—set my goals high, worked hard, and followed the rules along the way—I would accomplish great things. And it was further implied that, as a result, I would grow up to be happy. All our lives, we’ve heard people declare that they’d be happy if only they had more money, or a better job, or more sex, or a bigger house, or more opportunity to travel, or something else. I was determined to ensure my future happiness by having an abundance of all those things and more, and from an early age I worked hard to earn them.I was valedictorian of my high school class, finished college in two and a half years, and received the highest honors in medical school. After completing my internship and specialty training in eye surgery, I eventually established one of the most successful ophthalmology practices in the country. I performed thousands of operations and taught other physicians locally and across the country. I was a leader in my church and in the local Boy Scouts organization. I had everything money could buy, and I was a husband and the father of five beautiful children.By the time I reached my late thirties, I’d accomplished almost every goal I’d ever set for myself, but despite all my successes, I slowly came to the terrible realization that I had not achieved the happiness I’d been promised. When I was standing in front of a group of physicians, teaching the latest surgical techniques, and everyone was admiring me for my knowledge, I felt relatively satisfied with my life for the moment. And some of those expensive vacations were exciting while I was actually in those far-off, exotic places. But when I was all alone, with nothing to distract me, I knew something was missing—I just didn’t know what it was. I couldn’t have worked any harder. I’d done everything I’d been assured would bring me the happiness I wanted, but still something was wanting.I found it difficult to sleep at night and began to take some of the sleeping pills we kept at the office for postsurgical patients. When those were no longer effective, I took other tranquilizers, and before long I was injecting narcotics every night. I rationalized my drug addiction for a long time, but it increasingly affected my behavior and my emotional health. Then, one evening, as I sat in the woods behind my house with a loaded Smith & Wesson 10mm semi-automatic pressed to my head, I finally realized that I couldn’t rationalize my behavior any longer. I knew I needed to do something about my life.I went to an in-patient drug treatment facility, and after my discharge I participated in several twelve-step programs for a while. Getting off the drugs saved my life, but it only put me back where I’d been when I started using them. I was still desperately missing something, but this time I was determined to find out what it was. I tried individual and group therapy, support groups, men’s groups, New Age techniques, and Native American spiritual groups, among others. Each had wisdom to offer, but the old emptiness I felt was not being filled.In my searching, I found many others whose feelings were similar to mine. Most of them hadn’t been addicted to drugs, but they all were missing the profound happiness they’d always hoped for in their lives. We began to meet together in our homes, where we tried a variety of techniques I’d experienced or read about. Gradually, we eliminated the things that didn’t work, and we discovered some principles that were astonishingly simple and effective. People who had been unhappy for a long time, in many cases despite years of therapy, were finding the first genuine happiness they’d ever known.As we began to figure out what worked, I started writing down what we’d learned, handing out a few pages at a time to the men and women who participated in those early experiments.” Eventually, my observations became two sel