Reclaim Your Family from Addiction

by Nakken, Craig

• ISBN13: 9781568385198
• ISBN10: 1568385196
• Format: Paperback
• Copyright: 2000-09-01
• Publisher: Hazelden

Summary

What happens to the "we" of a family when one member opts for the blind and single-minded "me" of addiction? In an instructive, reassuring way, Craig Nakken explains just how families and couples who have spent years building a life together can lose their cohesive identity and meaning in the wake of addiction. The perfect starting point in the healing process, this book also reminds us that recovery is possible--for individuals, couples, and whole families--if only we know what to do. With histories, personal stories, and the latest research, the book helps readers chart their own way out of the hell of addiction and back to the fullness of family by using principles that restore the "we" of lasting, loving relationships. Craig Nakken, M.S.W., author of The Addictive Personality and Men's Issues in Recovery, lectures, trains, and specializes as a family therapist in the treatment of addiction. He lives in Minneapolis, Minnesota.

Table of Contents

Acknowledgments	xi
Part 1: Love and Principles
Introduction to Part 1	3	(4)
Principles of Betterment	7	(10)
Two Types of Love	7	(5)
Principles of Betterment	12	(2)
Principles in Action	14	(3)
Human Drives	17	(48)
Internal Value of Drives	18	(2)
The Drive for Meaning	20	(3)
Why Meaning Must Be Most Important	23	(1)
When the Drive for Pleasure Ranks First	24	(9)
When the Drive for Power Ranks First	33	(9)
How Do we Develop Our Drive for Meaning?	42	(15)
Part 2: Stages of Family Addiction
Introduction to Part 2	57	(8)
Stage 1: Adjustment	65	(26)
The Love No One Hears	68	(2)
Trust Eroded	70	(1)
Addiction Stars to Govern	71	(4)
Avoidance and Control Replace Meaning	75	(1)
The Family Becomes Reactive	76	(2)
Living within a Double Bind	78	(1)
Dialogue to Monologue	79	(1)
The Addict Increasingly Attacks the Family	80	(3)
The Family Monitors the Addict	83	(2)
How Children Are Affected	85	(6)
Stage 2: Development of a Protective Persona	91	(24)
The Decay of Ethical Power	93	(1)
The Why Breaks Down	94	(2)
Decay of Love	96	(1)
Communication Worsens	97	(2)
Anger as Protection	99	(1)
Survival Replaces Intimacy	100	(1)
Family Becomes Polarized	101	(2)
Distancing	103	(1)
Family Rituals Break Down	104	(1)
Negative Happiness	105	(2)
The Victim Persona	107	(1)
Crises Become More Regular	108	(1)
New Rules Get Created	109	(1)
Shame and Blame	110	(1)
How Much Can a Family Take?	111	(4)
Stage 3: Hopelessness	115	(16)
Gulfs Seem Unbridgeable	116	(2)
Living in a State of Trauma	118	(2)
Some Just Give Up	120	(1)
Connections No Longer Hold	121	(2)
Need for New System	123	(6)
Part 3: How the Addictive Process Affects Family Relationships
Introduction to Part 3	129	(2)
Couples and the Addictive Process	131	(20)
Becoming a Couple	131	(3)
The Shift	134	(1)
A Couple's Agreement: The Why of Being a Couple	135	(6)
When Addiction Enters a Relationship	141	(10)
Children and the Addictive Process	151	(48)
A Child's Loss of Innocence and Meaningful Attachments	151	(11)
How Addiction Affects Children at Different Stages of Development	162	(21)
Conclusion	183	(4)
Part 4: Recovery
Introduction to Part 4	187	(12)
Early Recovery: Honesty and Tolerance	199	(26)
Need for Tolerance	202	(1)
Parallel Recovery	203	(3)
The Task of Early Recovery	206	(2)
Leap of Faith	208	(2)
Listening to Others' Stories and Telling Our Own	210	(1)
The Collapse	211	(3)
Reaching Out	214	(1)
Borrowing a Value System	215	(2)
Spiritual Principles Most Helpful in Early Recovery	217	(3)
Relapse Issues	220	(2)
Shift from Other-Examination to Self-Examination	222	(3)
Middle Recovery: Understanding and Acceptance	225	(16)
Major Characteristics of This Time	227	(2)
More Spirituality and Family Stability	229	(2)
From Borrowed Values to Integrated Values	231	(2)
Spiritual Principles Most Helpful in Middle Recovery	233	(3)
Safety Causes Surprises	236	(1)
Reforming	237	(4)
Late Recovery: Love	241	(12)
Healing the Past	241	(3)
Mistakes Are Not Met with Overreactions	244	(1)
Dialogue and Recommitment	245	(2)
Spiritual Principles Most Helpful in Late Recovery	247	(6)
The Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous	253	(2)
Works Cited	255	(2)
Index	257	(8)
About the Author	265