Reconcilable Differences, First Edition

by Christensen, Andrew; Jacobson, Neil S.

• ISBN13: 9781572302617
• ISBN10: 1572302615
• Edition: 1st
• Format: Hardcover
• Copyright: 1999-10-06
• Publisher: The Guilford Press

Summary

Every couple has arguments, but what happens when recurring battles begin to feel like full-scale war? Do you retreat in hurt and angry silence, hoping that a spouse who "just doesn't get it" will eventually see things your way? Spend the time between skirmishes gathering evidence that you're right? Demand some immediate changes--or else? Whether due to innate personality traits or emotional vulnerabilities, there are some aspects of our behavior that are difficult to alter. But these differences do not have to get in the way of healthy, happy, and long-lasting romance. This practical guide offers new solutions for couples frustrated by continual attempts to make each other change. Aided by thought-provoking exercises and lots of real-life examples, readers will learn why they keep having the same fights again and again; how to keep small incompatibilities from causing big problems; and how true acceptance can restore health to their relationships.

Author Biography

Andrew Christensen, PhD, is Professor of Psychology at the University of California, Los Angeles. He has published widely on couple conflict and couple therapy. With Neil Jacobson, Dr. Christensen developed a treatment program for couples called Integrative Couple Therapy. Reconcilable Differences is a couples' guide to their approach. Currently, Dr. Christensen is directing a research study at UCLA and the University of Washington, sponsored by the National Institute of Mental Health, which examines the outcome of two important approaches to couple therapy, including Integrative Couple Therapy. This is the largest study to date of the effectiveness of marital therapy.

Neil S. Jacobson, PhD, was Professor of Psychology at the University of Washington until his death in 1999. One of the most widely cited family therapists in the world, he was author of 200 articles and 9 books. His contributions to the fields of family therapy and mental health were recognized by prestigious research awards from the American Family Therapy Academy, the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, and the National Institutes of Health.

Table of Contents

Acknowledgments	ix
Preface	xiii
Three Sides to Every Story	1	(16)
PART I. The Anatomy of an Argument
``You're Wrong!'': Relationship Problems as Faults	17	(15)
``How Can You Be That Way?'': Relationship Problems as Incompatibilities	32	(16)
``Can I Give to You Without Losing Me?'': Incompatibilities over Love and Power	48	(15)
``I Do but I Don't'': Confusing Incompatibilities	63	(13)
``You Know How to Hurt Me'': Relationship Problems as Vulnerabilities	76	(22)
A Cure Worse Than the Disease: Relationship Problems as Solutions	98	(25)
PART II. From Argument to Acceptance
The Delicate Balance: Acceptance and Change	123	(17)
A Story of Our Own: Acceptance through Understanding	140	(16)
Walking in Your Partner's Shoes: Acceptance through Compassion	156	(19)
Getting Some Perspective on the Conflict: Acceptance through Tolerant Distance	175	(18)
PART III. Deliberate Change through Acceptance
The Dilemmas of Deliberate Change	193	(19)
How Good Advice Can Be Bad for Your Relationship: Accepting the Foibles of Rules	212	(21)
Why a New Approach Can Lead to the Same Old Thing: Using Your Own Story to Make Genuine Change	233	(16)
Lost Battles Can Win the War: How Change and Intimacy Can Emerge from Defeat	249	(24)
PART IV. When Acceptance Is Not Enough
``Don't Do That to Me!'': Violence, Verbal Abuse, and Infidelity	273	(24)
Call in the Professionals!: Couple and Individual Therapy	297	(18)
Appendix. Internet Resources	315	(2)
Bibliography	317	(4)
Index	321	(12)
About The Authors	333