Raising Happy Children : A Parent's Guide

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Chapter One

IS YOUR FAMILY HAPPY?

HAPPY PEOPLE are fun to be around. They are easygoing, secure in their lives, and generally healthier than unhappy individuals. They are also happier with themselves. All of us like to be around someone with a cheerful outlook on life. But what makes individuals happy? Are they born that way, or did their environment have something to do with it?

    Family has a great deal to do with it. Happy people grow up in an atmosphere that helps them see the best in others and themselves, and during childhood they are instilled with a positive attitude that helps them cope with whatever life brings their way. As adults they are pleased with their accomplishments, their home, their job, and their family. We know that happy people are those who are able to give themselves credit for what they do and see their admirable traits, such as being bright, compassionate, or in good physical shape. Happy people are able to accept other people's shortcomings as well as their own faults, and they don't try to control the lives of others, including family members. Since happy people don't harbor a lot of resentment or bitterness toward others, they don't waste their energy getting even. As a result, they can spend energy on the more pleasant aspects of life.

    Happy people do their best to strengthen their weak points and live up to their own expectations, but they are not overly harsh with themselves. They realize that change is sometimes gradual and requires a great deal of work. With others, they gently and tactfully offer constructive comments in a helpful way.

GUIDELINES FOR CREATING A HAPPY FAMILY

1. Set limits without being angry or cruel. Limits should be in the best interests of the children and should be clearly explained from the beginning.

2. Reduce angry interactions at home. While everyone gets upset sometimes, your home should primarily be viewed as a place for love and support.

3. Demonstrate the importance of dedication. Whether you work hard at your job or contribute time to church or community, your devotion to something will serve as a useful example for your children. They will learn to incorporate this type of behavior in their own lives by working hard at school and knowing the value of community service.

4. Enrich your life through others. Make friends feel welcome in your home, and expose your children to people you like, thus demonstrating the strength you receive from others.

5. Encourage open communication. Family members should always be allowed to talk about what's bothering them and to share happy news.

6. Praise your children whenever you have an opportunity. Noticing your child doing something good and acknowledging it is one of the most loving things you can do.

7. Spend time together. Establish a family mealtime or playtime when you can all be together to share on many levels.

8. Encourage thoughtfulness. Demonstrate the importance of helping others. Children raised in this environment become thoughtful and caring adults.

9. Respect your children. Children who are respected will learn to respect you and others in return.

IF YOU CAN incorporate these guidelines into your lifestyle, you are more likely to create a "happy family." Your kids will be given the opportunity for success and will feel supported because they know you care.

MISTAKES THAT CREATE FAMILY UNHAPPINESS

To keep the balance on "happy" rather than "unhappy" you'll want to avoid making certain very natural mistakes. Any of these actions can undermine your attempts for raising a happy child:

1. Showing no respect for each other or your children.

2. Allowing ridicule to be an accepted part of your family's life.

3. Using threats and punishment to control each other and your children.

4. Demanding control; using anger and rage to get your way.

5. Complaining frequently.

6. Forcing or manipulating children to take sides in parental arguments.

7. Emphasizing the importance of making money over spending time together as a family.

8. Discouraging open communication.

9. Failing to praise your children when they do well.

10. Seeking revenge when things go wrong.

THE BASIC NEEDS AND FEELINGS OF PARENTS

WE ALL GET so busy with our day-to-day lives and the needs of our children that it's difficult to remember that in addition to being parents, we are also human beings with our own needs, desires, and feelings.

    In order to raise a happy child, you should first be aware of your own basic needs. Parents who are comfortable with themselves and their lives have a direct, positive impact on the happiness and mental health of their children. Parents who are content and satisfied have more energy to devote to child-rearing, and as a result, they create a more pleasant atmosphere in which their family can grow.

    If you're in close touch with your own feelings, you can achieve a level of satisfaction which will help you realize that no matter what your external achievements, you can be a success in your own life.

UNDERSTANDING YOUR FEELINGS

Although each of us is unique, some basic feelings are common to everyone. We all acknowledge feelings like happiness or sadness, but we tend to ignore or deny some of our other feelings, like the tendency to worry or to feel competitive. For that reason, it is helpful to know that these feelings are perfectly normal.

    Perhaps the best way to begin, then, is to help you better understand who you are and why you sometimes feel the way you do. Having a better understanding of basic human emotions will also help you understand the motivations and behavior patterns of others as well. This is part of being human.

The Need to Be Liked and Loved

It is normal for people to want to be told that they are valued and loved by significant others such as their spouse, children, parents, relatives, friends, neighbors, co-workers, and supervisors. We all need to hear compliments like "You are a good person," regularly.

    This basic need is present even in the toughest individuals. Directly or indirectly, even the office bully is looking for praise and wants people to indicate that something about him is likable--the way he talks, for example, or his knowledge, his experience, or the way he tells jokes.

    Being able to tell your spouse, your children, and your friends that they are worthy people and you love them is very helpful. Doling out generous doses of love will help you get what you need in return.

The Need for Acceptance

We all want and need respect, approval, and acceptance. Feeling that you will be approved of regardless of your behavior and beliefs is necessary for your self-esteem. It makes you feel good to know that someone likes your taste in clothing, your cooking, the way you manage your department, or the way you relate to children.

    Acceptance by those we love and respect is very important, and lack of acceptance by others can be hurtful. Haven't you ever been hurt when you weren't invited to a party--but then, when you thought about it, realized that you didn't know the host that well and that the party guests were members of a group to which you didn't belong? That sort of thing happens to all of us occasionally. With maturity comes the ability to think only momentarily about slights from those you don't know (the clerk who acts as if you've ruined her day by returning something) or don't like (your aunt Tildy, who never has anything nice to say about anybody, so why should what she says about you be significant?). This need for outside acceptance isn't a sign of neediness or dependency. All human beings want their behavior, their work, and their efforts to be recognized, acknowledged, and appreciated.

    Remember, too, that just as you want approval and acceptance, so do the people around you. Either through direct compliments ("I like your tie") or by other means (a complimentary note in a birthday card, for example) let others know how much you admire them or enjoy working with them.

    If you've ever heard the expression, "What goes around comes around," then you'll know the effect this will have on you. The more praise you offer people, the greater the likelihood that you will receive praise in return.

The Need to Feel Special

Everyone wants to feel special and important, whether that means being smart, being well educated, owning a nice car, or having a great haircut. It can be amusing to watch how people try to prove that they are special and unique. Scientists say, "Our group was the first to discover that ..." and a rich man's son may say, "My dad is the wealthiest man in town."

    Wanting to feel special is normal and healthy. When assessing what is special about yourself it's best to concentrate on character traits like intelligence and kindness. These are permanent forms of specialness because no one can take them away from you. External qualities such as beauty or material possessions can and do change over the years.

    Sometimes we get so busy with self-improvement and working on our weaknesses and bad habits that we dismiss what we do well. An excellent way to focus on what people like about you and what you're good at is to make a list.

    Write down all the things you like best about yourself. This can include anything from the shape of your hands to your taste in clothes. Once you've acknowledged that you actually have some very lovely qualities, think next about the accomplishments you're proudest of. This positive reinforcement is a valuable tool for adults and children. At certain times in your life you will need to be your own cheering squad, and having the facts written down will help.

    Remember, too, that claiming something special about yourself needn't mean denigrating someone else. For example, saying "I've got a great sense of humor," is preferable to saying "I'm a lot wittier than my brother."

    You'll also find that if you make others feel special, they will learn to return that favor to you. When you notice that a friend does something particularly well, tell her so! Your wife wants to hear that she is the best lover, the best cook, most beautiful or generous or moral person you know. Your children, relatives, co-workers, and friends also love hearing what you especially value in them. Generally, they will pick up on your cues, and you'll soon find them occasionally pointing out what is special about you.

    It goes without saying that children have a strong need to be special in their parents' eyes. If you have three children, your work is more than tripled because each of them wants to be special. Ideally, it is wonderful if you recognize each child through specific interests or activities, so they don't feel that they have to compete with each other. However, make sure they know you also appreciate their efforts in many areas, as you don't want them to feel labeled. We all have friends who have suffered because one of their siblings was "the smart one" or "the athlete." While each child has his or her strengths, it's important to convey the message that hard work can help them succeed at almost anything they really want to do.

The Feeling of Selfishness or Self-Interest

Selfishness--thinking first of ourselves--is one of the most fundamental feelings. It is this need at its most basic that leads to self-preservation, or survival. It is therefore perfectly normal to be selfish, because if we don't look after our own interests, who will?

    Babies are born thinking that they are the center of the universe. Gradually, a baby comes to acknowledge his mother and other caregivers, but he sees them only in their roles of servants of his interests. As the child grows older, he begins to see that there are others--siblings, for example--and that his needs can't always come first. As he matures, he learns to postpone gratification and to take turns and to respect other people's rights.

    As you've likely observed, adults demonstrate all levels of self-centeredness; some still need to be pampered constantly and need people to focus on their lives; others can postpone gratification and do a great deal for others. Even the most giving people, however, have a deep and abiding need to protect themselves. It is important to realize that thinking of yourself first is not pathological; it's simply human nature.

    As a parent, part of thinking of yourself first means doing things that make you happy. For example, you might exercise, go bowling, listen to music, or spend money on yourself. You must satisfy your own needs before you will be ready to address the needs of others. If you don't do what makes you happy, you'll feel deprived and become resentful toward or impatient with family members.

    Volunteerism and altruism actually grow out of a type of selfishness or self-interest. Altruistic people have been raised with a family value that has made them want and need to do good. Their sacrifice brings them pleasure, satisfaction, and a sense of accomplishment and pride. It makes them feel they are doing something for humanity. So while these people are serving others, they are also doing something for themselves. While sacrifice and service are admirable, it is important to realize that it's also fine to do things that make you happy.

The Need to Compete with Others

Being competitive and having rivalries with other people is also normal. Competition can actually be healthy because it pushes us to work hard and do better.

    Try not to let your self-worth depend on the outcome of competitions. Though you may feel disappointed if you lose at something, you should be able to put the loss behind you quickly with your ego still intact. You can attribute the failure to an off day--everyone has those--or you can find a new way to view your loss. For example, if you played in a tennis tournament and made it to the semifinals, you can tell everyone you were a finalist, which you were, or share with them your ultimate rank; you needn't announce that you lost the last game if that makes you feel bad.

    Understanding that most people are competitive will help you when someone is competing with you. If a co-worker is trying to block your promotion, for example, you may feel hurt by his actions, but you'll understand that for him to want to get ahead of you is a normal human reaction. By acknowledging it, perhaps you can smile a bit while also deciding to work harder to stay ahead of him. This way you needn't waste your time getting angry or planning to get even. Instead use your energy to advance yourself further.

    Competition becomes destructive when people try to win at someone else's expense. Some parents, for instance, put each other down in front of their children to make themselves feel better or to encourage the children to take sides. This is a destructive form of competition that should be discouraged.

    Most successful people are competitive, but they focus solely on self-improvement, not on trying to prevent others from succeeding.

The Need to Compare Ourselves to Others

Beginning in childhood, individuals become familiar with concepts such as good versus bad, beautiful versus ugly, and rich versus poor. And starting during these early years, hearing about someone else's success is usually paired with hearing about your own failure. For example, a child who gets poor grades might be asked by his father, "Why can't you get good grades like your brother Jerry?" Thus people grow up learning that when they have not done so well, they are likely to hear about another person who does better.

    As a result, some people may even infer the reverse: when others are bad, then I am good. This happens when individuals want to build themselves up at the expense of others. When they hear about other people's accomplishments, they cope with their frustration by becoming restless, feeling annoyed, getting headaches, wanting to change the subject, or leaving the room.

    This reaction, you might see, partially accounts for gossip. Spreading unpleasant gossip about someone allows a person to feel good temporarily because he feels that he is above that sort of thing. This also happens between families, when the Jones family says unkind things about the Smith family, and even among competing countries, when the people of one nation make fun of the food, attitudes, behavior, language, and culture of the other country. As a result, the members of one cultural group feel better about themselves because they have found reasons to believe they are superior to another nationality. (Nationality jokes are a prime example of human need.) Within one's own family, this type of put-down can be very hurtful. A husband may make cruel comments about his wife's job, intelligence, or parenting skills.

    Remember that your success does not hinge on someone else's failure, nor are you likely to fail simply because someone else is good at something. If your spouse or a friend or co-worker always implies that his successes are greater than yours, you need to come up with a reply that will break the cycle: "I'm delighted that the Acme Agency liked you so much, Bert, but that doesn't mean my department didn't handle the account well. We helped them with all of their projects."

    To learn more about yourself, try gauging your own reaction to comments you hear. The next time you hear something good about another person, consider your reaction. If you feel uncomfortable, examine the reasons why you feel that way. Don't compare yourself with this person and conclude that you aren't as good as he is. That will make you mad at yourself, and later on, you may take your anger out on other people or your family members. Accept the fact that this person about whom you have heard good things has done a good job. Contemplate what you can do to reach the same level of competence or even to do better. If the other person is a true expert, however, accept your limitations and remind yourself of your own successes. It is crucial to be aware that another person's success does not diminish your achievements.

Feelings of Fear, Worry, and Anxiety

Rejection, failure, and loneliness can cause fear, worry, and anxiety. Certain events can trigger these upsetting emotions in each of us.

    For some people, the world is a fearful place. Most of the time, the fears have to do with the future. For example, a student may fear flunking an exam, an employee may fear losing her job, a parent may worry about the well-being of her children, or a middle-aged person may worry about retirement and growing old.

    Facing your fears is generally the best way to overcome them. Admit that you are concerned, worried, or scared. Don't think that it is a sign of weakness if you acknowledge a particular worry or fear. If you sit down and think for a few minutes about whatever is troubling you, you will then be able to confront what is upsetting you. By denying your fears or resisting thinking of them, you deny yourself the opportunity to work on diminishing their impact. You'll find that once you confront fear it will be much easier for you to overcome it. (Also see the five-step coping strategy in Chapter 5 for understanding anxiety.)

Feelings of Self-Blame

Self-blame is much more common than you might imagine. People who are impatient with the mistakes of others are generally impatient and critical of their own faults as well. In general, when people start to blame themselves, they become less effective and cannot do things well because they doubt their abilities, and this wastes their energy.

    What causes self-blame? We have found that people who engage in self-blame come from a background in which either they have been criticized excessively or they have witnessed others being criticized. These people then begin to blame themselves as a way of coping with problems.

    Admitting that you made a mistake is different from blaming yourself. If you can admit to your mistakes, you will be able to learn from the experience and then move on with your life.

    Self-blame is something to fight against because it is very destructive. When you condemn yourself, you may lose sleep, be disappointed with yourself, and become angry with yourself, your spouse, children, co-workers, neighbors, and friends. Dr. Kashani has found this process of self-blame to be so debilitating that he hung a sign in his office that reads, "Be a noncritical observer of self." Over the years, hundreds of people have related to this sign. They have reported that they are very critical observers of themselves, rather than noncritical or nonjudgmental.

    If you can stop blaming yourself for your mistakes, including dumb ones, you will enjoy life more. In becoming a noncritical observer of your emotions, your thoughts, and your behavior, you will find that it is easier to accept yourself and others.

The Need for Fantasy

We all occasionally need to escape from the real world through fantasy, especially when we are having problems. Fantasies can involve anything, from lying on a beach to aggressive ways to get back at someone who has upset you.

    For children, fantasies are common. Your youngsters may have imaginary friends, and this can be helpful and healthy. Through their imaginary friends, children can solve problems and think about issues that are bothering them.

    Although it seems as though we have no control over our fantasies, that isn't true. A married man may fantasize about having an affair, for example. If he acknowledges that it is just a fantasy and ends it, he will never act upon what could be very destructive thoughts. However, if he allows the fantasy to take control, he might actually have an affair. This would result in hurt feelings and possibly a divorce, causing his spouse and children to suffer the consequences of what started out as a fantasy.

    Fantasizing becomes problematic if it takes too much of your time or intrudes on your responsibilities. For example, some people whose lives are very difficult, spend more of their time fantasizing than actually trying to improve their lives. They could do themselves a favor by developing reality-based fantasies about ways to make their lives better--things they could actually bring about, not far-fetched solutions like winning the lottery. If they then act upon them, they'll begin to view themselves as action-oriented individuals who can make change happen.

UNDERSTANDING THAT all of the feelings discussed here are perfectly normal and are shared by everyone will help you better understand yourself and others. This, in turn, will lead you to greater self-acceptance as well as an appreciation of others.

Copyright © 1998 Javad H. Kashani, M.D., Donna V. Mehregany, M.D., Wesley D. Allan, M.A., and Kate Kelly. All rights reserved.