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You're Not Alone
If You're Single
Did you know that in four states you may legally get married at age 12?
If you guessed that the European nations often described as the sex capitals of the world, such as Denmark and Holland, have the highest divorce rates on Earth, you would be exactly ... wrong. The United States holds that dubious distinction.
Were you aware that there are more widowed people in the U.S. than the entire populations of more than four dozen nations of the world, including Belgium, Bolivia, the Czech Republic, Denmark, Ecuador, Greece, Guatemala, Hungary, Ireland, Israel, New Zealand, Norway, Portugal and Sweden?
Although many women complain about the lack of single men, did you know that there are 4 million more males who have never been married than there are never-been-married females?
You may realize that more than 4 out of 5 Americans call themselves Christian and that the Christian faith discourages divorce. But have you heard that born-again adults have the same likelihood of seeing their marriage end in divorce as do non-Christians?
Would you be surprised to learn that the United States has more single adults than any other nation in the world except China and India; or that the number of singles in the U.S. exceeds the total national population of all but 11 of the world's 192 nations?
How shocked would you be to discover that the number of single parents in the United States is greater than the entire population of Colorado and Tennessee combined?
As devastating as divorce is for most women, did you know that three-quarters of them get remarried?
At the turn of the twentieth century, just 1 percent of all adults were divorced. Were you aware that the figure has grown tenfold since then?
Do you know what they call the most attractive men in singles bars? Married. (Sorry, just wanted to see if you were paying attention.)
Whether you examine their lifestyles, demographics or religious beliefs and practices, the growing population of single adults in America is full of surprises. Understanding the character of unmarried Americans is important, not just for the sake of knowledge, but in order to minister effectively to them and alongside them.
Shifting Values
Old impressions die hard. Many Americans-older Americans, in particular-assume that people cannot be happy and fulfilled unless they find a marriage partner or a soul mate. In the past quarter century, however, things have changed dramatically. Our perspectives on commitment and loyalty have changed. Methods of communication and desirable vocational skills have shifted. Personal relationships develop differently from the past, and sexual relations apart from marriage have become common. Cohabitation, divorce and parenting by grandparents have skyrocketed. Tolerance of different, nontraditional lifestyles has increased. More than ever before, Americans seek the benefits of intimate relationships without the pressures and perceived limitations of marriage. That helps to explain why people wait longer and experiment more broadly and creatively with a spectrum of relationships and lifestyles prior to marriage.
It is common for novels, television programs, contemporary music, movies and videos to sanction nontraditional values and family arrangements. This media influence can be seen in the transformation of the nation's thinking and behavior. The black and Hispanic populations of the U.S. are often the early-and most prolific-adopters of these new living configurations, but the record shows that the white and Asian populations waste little time in jumping onto the bandwagon.
Differentiating Singles Groups
If we limit our discussion of single adults to those who have never been married or have experienced divorce, we will overlook important segments of the singles population. With advances in health care and medicine, people are living longer than ever before, leading to the precipice of an explosion in the number of widowed adults living in the U.S. These individuals typically represent the two oldest generations in the nation, the Seniors and the Builders-two groups whose moral foundations differ considerably from those of younger citizens. Adults 55 and older experience a comparatively low divorce rate, but they face a high probability of living a significant number of their twilight years as singles.
And how can we neglect single parents, a subset within the singles niches already described? In many cases, these adults had children while married, yet those who had children out of wedlock have become the fastest-growing category of single parents. The enlightenment brought on by a seemingly endless gush of articles and special reports on the plight of children and mothers of broken marriages has had little apparent impact on curtailing the growth of this household type.
Those who are legally married but physically separated from their spouse comprise the final singles niche to consider. This group-sometimes referred to as "the divorced-in-waiting"-is the smallest of the singles subpopulations. For many separated individuals, this state of marital ambiguity is "hell on Earth." It is a state of confusion and uncertainty that usually solves few, if any, of their marital problems, but raises a plethora of gut-wrenching questions and challenges. The results of separation are relatively predictable. On average, 97 percent of white women who separate from their husband are divorced within five years of the separation. (Though not as universal, the same outcome occurs for three-quarters of nonwhite women who undergo a separation.)
In summary, America has five distinct singles groups: the never-been-married, the divorced, the widowed, single parents and the separated. To think that all single adults are alike, and thus to relate to them in an identical manner, is a grievous mistake. But it is one often made as we lump unmarried people into a single, massive population.
The Life Cycle
Some measure of our family status can be attributed to age and life situations-what is commonly known as the life cycle. Some of the choices we make are dictated by cultural pressures, such as the expectation of getting married while a 20-something. Other decisions are determined by age and physiological parameters such as women having babies during those years when they are physically capable of producing them (i.e., teen years through the mid-40s). Overall, many of the decisions we make are an outgrowth of these life-cycle phenomena.
Marital status is also affected by the life cycle. People tend to get married (for the first time, at least) during their 20s, as they settle into a career, a geographic location and a universe of personal and organizational relationships. Eager to experience the challenges and joys of parenthood, most couples begin having children between their mid-20s and mid-30s. Economic and professional pressures, the development of divergent interests and a variety of sexual tensions often lead to divorce, commonly occurring between a person's mid-30s and mid-40s. Remarriage usually occurs within a few years of the initial divorce. After a period of settling down, which frequently occurs during a person's 40s, 50s or 60s, the final phase of most people's life cycle unfolds upon reaching their mid-60s or early 70s. Occupational retirement, physical limitations and widowhood often define this final life stage.
Statistics bear out these patterns. Among people 18 to 24, nearly 9 out of 10 (87 percent) have never been married. That figure drops to just one-quarter (24 percent) among those who are in the 25 to 44 age bracket. In the 35 to 54 age group, however, divorce becomes more prevalent. More than one-third of the adults in this segment have gone through at least one divorce, and two-thirds of them have remarried. The incidence of widowhood jumps once people reach 65, rising from fewer than 1 in 10 among people 55 to 64 years old (and, of course, much lower percentages among younger adults) to a whopping one-third of those who reach the traditional retirement age.
The data in table 1.2 portrays a fairly predictable course of change and challenge. As people age, new opportunities, risks and dangers await us in each life phase. For most people, the early years of adulthood pose the fundamental marital challenge-whether or not to get married, with whom and when. After a person gets married, within the first decade of the relationship the partners are confronted by pressures that may potentially dissolve that union. Then, for most people who get divorced, a return to the premarital phase of trying to determine whether or not to get married (again), with whom and when occurs. The final chapter of the tale typically begins when people enter the mid-60s, at which time they begin to harbor concerns about the potential death of their marriage partner.
Never Been Down the Aisle
In the past, there was a social stigma associated with reaching your 20s and not being married. Today, however, the median age of a first marriage has risen to 25 among women and 27 among men. Unmarried young people used to face a barrage of questions such as, What's taking you so long? Why aren't you married yet? Young singles used to fear the stream of behind-the-back whispers saying that there must be something wrong with a person who wasn't wed by their mid-20s. Today, though, the magnifying glass is placed over the choice by young people to get married. Now they are the ones peppered with such questions as, What's your hurry? Why are you getting married? Why not just live with the person?
The Census Bureau informs us that among people 15 and older, the never-been-married segment is now 60 million strong-32 million men and 28 million women. About one-third of that population, however, is 20 or younger. If we limit the inquiry to people 18 and older, we're speaking about a population of 48 million, of which nearly half is under 25. One-quarter of the never-been-married group is 25 to 34 years old, while the remaining one-quarter is 35 or older. As evidence of the widespread draw of marriage in our land, only 4 percent of all people 55 or older have never ventured into a marriage. In spite of the sweeping changes that are altering our lifestyles and values, an undeniable fact remains: Few Americans die without having taken a dip in the marriage pond.
However, even within the never-been-married public, there are distinct demographic patterns. For instance, while two-thirds of all white adults in the 25 to 34 age segment have been married, fewer than half of the black adults in the same age group have experienced marriage. Racial identification enters the picture in a big way. Since 1980, there has been an approximate 11 percent increase in the white never-been-married contingent. However, that pales in comparison to the growth within the black (26 percent) and Hispanic (21 percent) populations. Among blacks, this growth is driven by a determination to experience having a family without getting married, while the Hispanics have a profusion of young people waiting until later ages to get married.
Shattered Dreams
As millions of Americans will attest, getting married and staying married are two entirely different matters. The sad reality is that roughly half of all marriages end in divorce within 15 years of the wedding day. At any given time, about 1 out of 10 adults are currently divorced. However, the percentage of adults who have been married and divorced is much higher, because a majority of those who get divorced eventually remarry. Overall, one-third of the adult population that has been married has also been through at least one divorce. Among people in the 30 to 49 age bracket, that figure is close to half.
The average age of a person at the time of their first marriage is 26; the average age of a married person's first divorce is 34. In fact, age is firmly correlated with divorce: The younger a woman is when she gets married, the more likely her marriage will result in divorce. Six out of 10 marriages among women who get married before their eighteenth birthday wind up in divorce, compared with just one-third among women who marry after their twentieth birthday.
It seems inevitable that in America's immediate future its citizens will be increasingly comfortable with, accepting of and even expectant of marriages fizzling in divorce. Some researchers have posited that we have shifted out of an evolutionary period regarding divorce (when we questioned our fundamental ideas about marriage, parenting, moral values and relationships) into a revolutionary period (in which we accept divorce and other nontraditional relationships as emotionally and spiritually viable, legally valid and morally reasonable). The fact remains that almost nobody enters a marriage seeking to divorce, but more and more we find that the people who go through a divorce are emotionally and morally resigned to the fact that it is a normal, if not inevitable, life experience.
Redefined Families
A century ago, relatively few single parents existed, and most of those people fell into that state because of the premature death of a spouse. Birth out of wedlock, divorce and cohabitation were social taboos yet to gain widespread acceptance. In 1900, fewer than 1 out of every 100 adults was a single parent of a child under 18. Today, there are more than 12 million single parents with children under 18 in their care-about 6 percent of all adults, and roughly i out of every 3 families. That total has tripled since 1970. In fact, 28 percent of the nation's children presently live with just one of their birth parents. The implication of the growth of single-parent households is that a majority of the children born this year are likely to live in a single-parent home for some period of time prior to celebrating their eighteenth birthday.
The world of single parenthood is changing. More than 4 out of 5 single parents (84 percent) are mothers. However, two significant trends are altering that reality. The first is the steady increase in single fathers being given custody of their children. Between 1990 and 2000, the number of single fathers with primary custody of children under the age of 18 leaped by 62 percent, while the growth among single moms expanded by 25 percent. Once thought to be detrimental to the needs of the children, recent research shows just the opposite regarding fathers filling the role of the primary postdivorce parent.
Continues...
Excerpted from SINGLE FOCUS by GEORGE BARNA Copyright © 2003 by George Barna Excerpted by permission. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
