Sleeping Through the Night...and Other Lies; The Mysteries, Marvels, and Mayhem in the First Three Years of Parenthood

by Sandi Kahn Shelton

• ISBN13: 9780312971359
• ISBN10: 0312971354
• Edition: Reprint
• Format: Paperback
• Copyright: 2000-05-15
• Publisher: St. Martin's Paperbacks

Summary

You've got circles under your eyes, crusty white stuff on your clothes, and strained carrots in your hair--welcome to the lighter, messier and definitely funnier side of parenthood! In this laugh-out-loud collection of wit and wisdom, the WorkingMother columnist and author of You Might As Well Laugh delivers chuckles, cheer, and compassion--guaranteed to help parents survive the first three years. From breast feeding to toilet training and everything in-between, Sleeping Through the Night explores: Parent Lingo--or words you never thought you'd want to know the meaning of, like Onesies, Zwieback, and Projectile Vomiting The going bribery rates for toddlers (M&Ms are the currency of choice) All-time favorites toys: the toilet brush, lids from pots and pans, anything in your cosmetic drawer, fireplace tools, your keys How to reconnect with old what's-his-name, that guy across the pillow Things NOT to discuss with the parents in the park (like your babysitter's phone number)

Table of Contents

Acknowledgments	p. xiii
Introduction: So You Went and Made a Baby--Now What?	p. 1
Babies and Other Critics	p. 5
Home from the hospital	p. 5
The visitors are storming the gates	p. 6
If you can't say cheese, at least you can run	p. 8
Pictures you must never ever take	p. 11
I once personally engineered a merger, you know	p. 11
The name game	p. 14
Things everyone now expects you to know how to do	p. 16
A new mother's role: The human snack bar	p. 17
Actual known advantages to having an infant--for those days when you can't remember	p. 19
Decide right now what you're going to call it	p. 19
You may not have the right to sing the blues, but why let that stop you?	p. 21
Since you're already not sleeping ...	p. 23
Babies: The ultimate birth control devices	p. 24
You belong in the movies	p. 25
Signs that things are pretty much normal at your house	p. 27
Things You Might Not Have Thought Of	p. 29
The fun of parenthood lingo	p. 29
Your two moms and the stuff they know that you don't	p. 34
The crying	p. 36
Theories from grocery store customers on how to stop a baby from crying	p. 38
Why you will never again be anywhere on time	p. 39
The parents you meet in the park	p. 43
Things not to discuss with the parents in the park	p. 45
The mommy club	p. 45
Your old friends--you know, the ones who haven't had kids yet	p. 47
The great fun of baby talk	p. 50
Why Bables Cry	p. 53
Don't Let the Paraphernalia Get You Down	p. 56
What a seven-pounder needs to get by	p. 56
Baby catalogs	p. 58
He's gotta have it	p. 60
The baby monitor: The most dangerous device of all	p. 66
The baby book	p. 68
Faking the baby book	p. 69
Toys, or--as some people think of them--infant intelligence enhancers	p. 71
All-time favorite toys	p. 74
Light cords, outlets, stove knobs: A cover for everything	p. 74
The sex lives of paraphernalia	p. 76
Postcard from Your Marriage	p. 79
The guy across the pillow--old what's-his-name	p. 79
Missing objects	p. 81
The work question	p. 82
Can you have a big night out, even at the grocery store?	p. 85
The difference between a mom and a dad	p. 86
A Bunch of New Things to Worry About in the Middle of the Night	p. 90
Sleep and Other Lies	p. 93
Sleep as a recreational goal	p. 93
Get over the sanctity-of-the-marriage-bed thing	p. 96
The infants' theory of sleep	p. 99
The toddler view: Sleep as outrage	p. 103
There is a trick to getting kids to sleep--no one knows what it is, though	p. 106
Rules for toddlers in the middle of the night	p. 108
You have each other to sleep with, so let the kid have the toaster	p. 109
Sneaky sleep	p. 111
The Daddy Dance	p. 114
It's a long road from husband to daddy	p. 114
"When is this kid going to DO something?"	p. 115
Things dads can do while waiting for the baby to get interesting	p. 117
In defense of the changing table	p. 117
Everybody loves a guy with a baby	p. 119
For men: Things it's good to say to your wife	p. 122
Milkies and Ninnies	p. 124
Getting in touch with your bovine side	p. 124
The day the milk comes in--and other screamingly happy events	p. 126
Pumping milk	p. 127
Nursing in public--without taking all your clothes off	p. 130
The perfect weaning moment: What if you were on the phone when it came?	p. 132
Nursing a talker: Be careful what you call it	p. 133
Weaning a toddler: Stories of bribes and manipulations	p. 136
Smashed Bananas and Cracker Paste	p. 141
There's a reason they call it "solid" food	p. 141
Foods that any baby can turn into a paste product	p. 144
The stuff that comes in jars	p. 146
No sugar, salt, preservatives: Food perfectionism	p. 147
Spaghetti goes on the head; that's why it's made in strands	p. 148
On Their Planet, Shoes Were Gods	p. 152
Dressing a baby	p. 152
Baby fashion statements	p. 153
The nudist years	p. 155
Clothing no self-respecting baby can wear	p. 156
Dressing up for shock: Why do boys always love the gold lame?	p. 157
Mittens and hats in August, bathing suits in January	p. 158
Red shoes with sparkles	p. 160
Shoes no toddler can resist	p. 161
If it's 2:30, it must be time for me to change into my Pink dress	p. 163
You Can Leave Home Without Them	p. 165
Babies are technically not anatomical attachments	p. 165
Your first time out	p. 166
Picking a sitter	p. 168
List of things your sitter needs to know	p. 172
The sitter for the long haul	p. 173
Warning signs that your sitter might not last	p. 174
Sitters, day-care homes, or centers: What to do?	p. 175
Conversations With a Baby	p. 182
Early efforts	p. 182
Topics you might want to discuss with an infant	p. 183
An expose of why they say "Dada" before they say "Mama"	p. 185
Baby lingo	p. 187
The word is "no"	p. 189
I swear I heard her say "dammit"	p. 190
Talkers of substance: The family secrets unmasked	p. 192
The big question of our time: Why?	p. 195
Parenting in Public	p. 197
It's not a good idea to yell at little old ladies who offer advice	p. 197
The social stages of babies	p. 200
Nature's little joke	p. 204
Babies out to eat	p. 205
The fine print on the baby contract	p. 208
Kids and manners: "Congratulations for having me over"	p. 210
Can you say "incentives"?	p. 212
Current bribery rates for toddlers	p. 213
Life in the Terrible Twos	p. 215
What means whining?	p. 215
Okay to bread boats, but here are twenty-one things I did refuse to do in one afternoon	p. 217
Never do anything once you're not willing to do a billion times	p. 220
Falling out of favor	p. 222
Toddler Lit 101	p. 224
The agony of a two-year-old decision-maker	p. 227
What's So Great About the Potty?	p. 229
The lies of toilet training	p. 229
Early efforts	p. 231
The fun things about the potty	p. 233
The public potty--and other horrors	p. 234
Waiting for poop	p. 236
The Social Life of the Average American Toddler	p. 239
These pals of mine	p. 239
Toddler love	p. 243
The birthday party scene	p. 245
Advice about birthday parties	p. 247
Things You Could Feel Guilty About	p. 249
One Romantic Evening	p. 251
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