Smart Love

by Pieper, Martha Heineman

• ISBN13: 9781558321823
• ISBN10: 1558321829
• Format: Paperback
• Copyright: 2001-06-01
• Publisher: Harvard Common Pr

Summary

Smart Love shows how putting a child's inner happiness first, not his outward behavior, actually will make hima better behaved, and in the long run, more confident and responsible.

Table of Contents

Preface	xi
Introduction: What Is Smart Love?	xv
The Basics of Smart Love	1	(14)
Your Child's Inner Happiness	2	(1)
The All-Powerful Self and the Competent Self	3	(2)
Why Children Become Unhappy and Difficult	5	(2)
Loving Regulation	7	(6)
Redefining Independence	13	(2)
Smart Love in Action	15	(29)
Balancing Parenting Aims and Personal Desires	15	(3)
Understanding the Roots of Inner Unhappiness	18	(5)
How to Know When Your Child's Unregulated Behavior Is Caused by Inner Unhappiness	23	(1)
Handling Caregiving Lapses	24	(4)
When Parents Find It Difficult to Enjoy Their Children	28	(6)
Parental Kindness Does Not Always Promote Emotional Growth	34	(4)
Environment Counts, Too	38	(3)
Parents Are Not to Blame	41	(3)
Recognizing and Reversing Children's Inner Unhappiness	44	(30)
Inner Unhappiness Makes Children Especially Vulnerable to Life's Ups and Downs	44	(3)
Symptoms of Inner Unhappiness	47	(4)
The Desire for Unhappiness	51	(6)
Every Child Is Born with the Potential for Inner Happiness	57	(2)
How to Help Your Child Choose and Become the Person She Wants to Be	59	(2)
Stopping the Roller Coaster of Inner Unhappiness	61	(5)
Loving Regulation for the Child with Inner Unhappiness	66	(7)
Parents Hold the Key to Human Happiness	73	(1)
The First Year: Smart Loving Your Baby	74	(27)
Your Infant's Point of View: The Meaning of Her Cries	75	(3)
Your Infant's Point of View: The Meaning of Being Fed	78	(3)
How to Help Your Baby Put Herself to Sleep Happy	81	(1)
Developmental Milestone: Your Baby Smiles at You	82	(1)
Developmental Milestone: Stranger Anxiety	82	(2)
Developmental Milestone: Separation Anxiety	84	(1)
Don't Measure Your Child's Behavior by Adult Standards	85	(1)
Returning to Work	86	(7)
Developmental Milestone: Your Baby ``Talks'' to You	93	(1)
Your Infant's Point of View: Trying Is Learning	94	(1)
Developmental Milestone: The Mobile Baby	95	(2)
Smart Loving the Infant Who Suffers from Inner Unhappiness	97	(4)
Ages One to Three: Smart Loving Your Toddler or Preschooler	101	(46)
Developmental Milestone: Your Child's Primary Happiness Becomes Unshakable	101	(1)
Your Child's Point of View: Wanting and Needing Extra Attention	102	(5)
Developmental Milestone: The Appearance of Secondary Happiness	107	(5)
Smart Love Perspective: The Value of the All-Powerful Self	112	(1)
Loving Regulation for Your Toddler or Preschooler	113	(6)
How to Make Your Toddler's or Preschooler's Day Run Smoothly and Happily	119	(3)
How to Help Your Child When He Can't Have What He Wants	122	(2)
How to Help the Child Who Has a Bad Dream	124	(2)
How to Help the Child Who Resists Bedtime	126	(2)
Developmental Milestone: Choosing to Use the Toilet	128	(4)
How Many Friends Does Your Toddler or Preschooler Need?	132	(6)
Teaching and Learning with Smart Love	138	(1)
Smart Loving the Toddler or Preschooler Who Suffers from Inner Unhappiness	138	(9)
Ages Three to Six: Smart Loving Your Young Child	147	(31)
Starting School	147	(7)
What to Do When Your Child Bends the Truth	154	(2)
How to Choose Books, Movies, and TV Shows That Are Appropriate for Your Child's Age	156	(1)
When Your Child Reacts Angrily to Frustration	157	(1)
How to Motivate Your Young Child to Help Out	158	(1)
Developmental Milestone: The Romantic Child	159	(8)
Developmental Milestone: The Relationship Ideal	167	(1)
Smart Loving the Three-to Six-Year-Old Who Suffers from Inner Unhappiness	168	(10)
Ages Six to Twelve: Smart Loving Your Older Child	178	(23)
School Days	179	(3)
How to Choose Rules and Regulations That Are Appropriate for the Six-to Twelve-Year-Old	182	(6)
Friendship	188	(3)
Puberty	191	(1)
Smart Loving the Six-to Twelve-Year-Old Who Suffers from Inner Unhappiness	192	(9)
Smart Loving Your Adolescent	201	(21)
The Goal of Adolescence Is Stable Secondary Happiness	201	(3)
How to Help Your Adolescent Attain Genuine Independence	204	(3)
How to Respond to the Teen Who ``Knows Everything''	207	(1)
Don't Stand By and Watch Teens Fail	208	(2)
How to Choose Appropriate Rules and Regulations for Adolescents	210	(5)
Your Child: A Friend for Life	215	(1)
Smart Loving the Adolescent Who Suffers from Inner Unhappiness	215	(7)
Special Circumstances	222	(11)
Smart Loving Your Adopted Child	222	(3)
Nontraditional Families and the Romantic Phase	225	(3)
How to Help the Child Who Has Problems Learning	228	(1)
The Importance of Avoiding Brain-Altering Medications	229	(4)
Afterword Smart Love: Your Companion on Your Child's Journey to Adulthood	233	(2)
Notes	235	(2)
Glossary	237	(6)
Index	243	(8)
About the Authors	251

Excerpts

A Child Is a Child Learn to see the world through your child's eyes. Give up the illusion that your child is a miniature adult. You promote a child's growth better by embracing immaturity than by fighting it.

Foster Optimism A child brings loads of hope and good cheer into this world. Teach your child to look life's obstacles squarely in the eye, but never, ever scare your child into becoming a pessimist.

Cultivate Inner Happiness The greatest gift you can give your child is a sturdy fortress of inner happiness. Outward happiness always will be fleeting and uncertain without this inward foundation.

You Are Your Child's Ideal If you come across as perpetually unhappy with your child, always acting tough and talking negatively, then your child will expect and want that unhappiness--and will do whatever it takes to get more of it. Do not teach your child to seek unhappiness.

Happy Children Behave Parenting is not "behavior modification." Cultivating your child's inner happiness is what really leads to good behavior. Chances are your child will behave better if you spend less time trying to change his or her behavior.

Provide Quantity Time On one side are all the reasons you do not have any to give. On the other are the great rewards you and your child will reap when you manage to do so. Make the effort. Quality Time does not make up for a lack of Quantity Time.

Attention Breeds Independence Lots of loving attention will make your child independent. Let go of those worries that you will spoil your child, or make your child needy and dependent, by providing too much attention.

Capture the Middle Ground No parent should feel stuck between being a pushover and a disciplinarian, between letting everything go and relying on the "quick fix" of discipline. You can find a happy medium.

Use Your Head and Trust Your Heart Always remember: Your parenting instincts are good ones. If your head tells you that tough discipline is necessary, but your heart is not in it, take heed. The foremost expert on parenting is the one you see in the mirror. --This text refers to an out of print or unavailable edition of this title.