Straight Talk from Claudia Black

by Black, Claudia

• ISBN13: 9781592850419
• ISBN10: 1592850413
• Format: Paperback
• Copyright: 2003-10-01
• Publisher: Hazelden

Summary

Talking with your kids about alcohol use, drug use, and addiction can be difficult for any parent. For recovering parents, conversations with your children about drug use and abuse are even more complex, urgent, and personal. Here, with her characteristic intelligence and sensitivity, foremost recovery author Claudia Black provides clear direction and gentle support for discussing your past addiction with your children. In "Straight Talk from Claudia Black" you will meet five different families and explore with Dr. Black how each of the parents handled discussions about recovery, relapse, and their children's own vulnerability to addiction. Dr. Black also addresses the latest research on genetics and addiction as well as practical prevention strategies for raising resilient children.While you can't make up for the past in a few conversations, you can't completely protect your children from the enormous reach of addiction, you can, with Dr. Black's guidance, move closer to becoming the parent your children need you to be - and the parent you want to be.

Table of Contents

Acknowledgments	xi
Introduction	1	(6)
Straight Talk about Addiction and Recovery	7	(10)
What Do You Say to Your Children?
Motivation and Expectations
Time to Act
Breaking the Chain of Addiction	17	(16)
Addiction Facts
Characteristics of Addiction
Denial
Preoccupation
Loss of Control
Change in Tolerance
Withdrawal
Differences in Usage
Brain Chemistry
Kids and the Disease Concept
Generational Vulnerability	33	(10)
Family Tree
Genetic Influences: The Facts
Environmental Influences: What's in the Psychology?
Clarifying the Confusion	43	(16)
Claiming Multiple Addictions
Abstinence
Slippery Places
Relapse
Blackouts
Recovery Practices
Early Recovery and Making Amends	59	(12)
Healing the Pain
A Child's Many Feelings
Guilt and Shame
Amends
Self-forgiveness
New Ways of Relating	71	(12)
Reconnection: Offering Validation
Tips for Listening to Your Child
Reconnection: Being There
Addressing the Wreckage of the Past
More Guidelines for Addressing the Past
Speaking Beyond the Family
Creating Healthy Family Traditions	83	(24)
Risk Factors
Protective Factors
A Word of Caution
A Functioning Family
Affection, Support, and Affirmation
Communication
Maintaining a Positive Family Identity
Problem Solving
Providing Physical Safety
Reshaping Family Roles
The Responsible Child, the Hero
The Acting-out Child, the Rebel or Scapegoat
The Adjusting Child, the Invisible One
The Clown, the Mischief Maker
The Placator, the Caretaker
Deepening and Mending Relationships
Family Time
Individual Time
Family Meetings
Never Underestimate Your Power as a Parent	107	(18)
Messages to Children about Use of Alcohol and Drugs
Preschoolers
Children Ages 5--8
Children Ages 9--11
Children Ages 12--14
Children Ages 15--17
Choices and Consequences
Adult Children
Enabling
Tough Love
Appendix: Tracing Addictions on a Family Tree	125	(2)
Notes	127	(4)
About the Author	131

Excerpts

Chapter 1Straight Talk about Addiction and Recovery On December 31, 1986, the day after I got sober, the last thing I wanted to face was what I had done to my kids. Prior to sobriety, as a father, what I had going for me was the law, the Ten Commandments, and the tradition that adult men protect their kids. So when I became sober, the first thing I wanted to do was quickly reassert their respect for me based upon everything I had going for me. This might have worked when they were small and I had drank only a short period, but by the time I got sober nobody could say that I deserved all of the respect that the law and the Ten Commandments provided for. I realized I was going to have to get to know the kids and vice versa. For me it meant being friends first. The kids really wanted me to be a parent, and I wanted to regain their respect. Today I have been in recovery for several years and have regained that respect, but not by asserting what I had in the first place. Instead I earned respect by "letting go" of the outcome of my relationships after I had done all I could to change, trusting that God would then do his thing. Wally It has always been my belief that parents truly love their children and genuinely want what is best for them, yet that message often becomes convoluted, inconsistent, and sometimes nearly nonexistent when addiction begins to pervade the family system. As much as parents want to correct this, the focus of early recovery is often on recovery practices, marriage or partnership, and job or career. This is coupled with parents frequently just not knowing what to say to their children or how best to interact with them. This confusion can be as true for the adult child as it is for the adolescent-age or younger child. In many cases it is easy to ignore the issue of what to say or how to interact with your children if someone else, such as an ex-spouse or grandparents, predominantly raises them, or they are adults living on their own. Children can also impede the process by pretending all is just fine in your relationship with them because you are now clean and sober. And, in fact, for many it is better already. Or they may distance themselves from you with aloofness or anger. The inability to be intimate, to share yourself with your children, to be there for them is one of the most tragic losses in life. Having worked with thousands of addicted parents, I've seen their eyes shimmer with tears and glow with love when they talk about their children. As I wrote this book I interviewed a host of parents, and I was inspired by the depth of love and vulnerability shared as they talked about how their addiction impacted their children, and the hope that their recovery would provide them the positive influence and connection that they would like to have with their children. What Do You Say to Your Children? In recovery there is a lot of wreckage of the past that needs to be addressed, and there is a lot of moving forward

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Excerpted from Straight Talk from Claudia Black: What Recovering Parents Should Tell Their Kids about Drugs and Alcohol by Claudia Black
All rights reserved by the original copyright owners. Excerpts are provided for display purposes only and may not be reproduced, reprinted or distributed without the written permission of the publisher.