The Thing About Men

by Bevarly, Elizabeth

• ISBN13: 9780060509460
• ISBN10: 0060509465
• Format: Paperback
• Copyright: 2003-12-05
• Publisher: HarperCollins Publications

Summary

Three things about men: They think dinner comes in a box . . . Claire Willoughby, nationally famous lifestyle diva, knows what it takes to cook luscious meals from scratch, stencil a wall border from a grocery bag, and create beautiful holiday ornaments from common household items. But then her Number One Fan leaves her custody of a small, rambunctious toddler, and suddenly the style goes right out of her life. They never ask for directions . . . And it gets worse. Enter, on a Harley, wearing ragged jeans, a diamond stud earring and a black eye, hell-raiser Ramsey Sage . . . the child's uncle. And though Ramsey claims he wants custody of the little tyke, Claire is plenty certain he doesn't know his way around a nursery. . . . They never admit they're wrong. But she quickly learns he sure knows his way around a woman -- those tempting kisses and scorching gazes turn up the heat hotter than Claire's test kitchen on a summer's day. He seems all wrong for her, but he feels so right. How can it be that Ramsey, despite all his faults, might just be perfect for her?

Excerpts

The Thing About Men

Chapter One

"What do you mean the chicken is still alive?"

Claire Willoughby gaped at her producer in stark-staringterror, her mind racing with all the ramifications the livechicken brought with it. And there were plenty. "It can't stillbe alive," she said. "I have to cook it on camera in thirtyminutes. How's it going to go from cage to frying pan, unlesswe ... "

The rest of that statement didn't even bear thinking about,let alone speaking aloud. Especially not by a woman wearingbeige Ann Taylor separates and ivory Bandolino pumps.

"Sorry, Claire, but there must have been a mix-up in thedirections," her producer, Nina Ritchie, replied without ahint of apology as she lit a new cigarette with the still-burningbutt of her last one.

The set for the show was supposed to be smoke-free, butthe first time Claire had reminded Nina of that, Nina had setfire to a trash can in the women's room in what she swore wasan accident that occurred while she was trying to put out the offending cigarette. So Claire didn't mention her producer'scigarette now. She didn't want to put the good people of theNashville Fire Department through all that trouble again.

"For some reason," the tall, too-slim redhead continued,"they delivered a live chicken instead of a broiler/fryer." Shestubbed out the butt on her clipboard, one marked by a varietyof small black burn spots, and flicked it away heedlessly -- beaning her production assistant in the side of the head inthe process.

Then she inhaled deeply on the new cigarette, until its tipglowed bright orange. Everything about Nina was orangeytoday, Claire noted, from her hair to her Nehru jacket andsultan's trousers, to her amber beads and earrings, to hercopper sandals. "And we're nowhere near a grocery store,"she added, "so we don't have time to send someone out foranother one. We either have to kill the chicken or kill thesegment."

Oh, easy for her to say, Claire thought. Nina's last job hadbeen as an assistant producer for one of those trash-talk day-timeTV shows where things like Satanism and alien paternityand family fistfights had been daily staples. A chickenexecution would be nothing to her.

Claire tucked a stray strand of pale blond hair back intothe otherwise flawless chignon fixed at her nape as she ponderedher dilemma. Aunt Halouise's "Red, White, and TrueFried Chicken" was the centerpiece of their "Fourth of JulyPicnic Cookout" feature, and the "Fourth of July PicnicCookout" feature was the centerpiece of today's show. Andthe irony was that the theme of Claire's nationally syndicated -- and live—TV show, Simple Pleasures, like thetheme of Claire's nationally distributed magazine, alsocalled Simple Pleasures, was "Back to Basics." That was, in fact, pretty much the mission statement of her entire lifestylebusiness -- to promote a return to the simpler ways of simplertimes. Ways and times that had included, for example,raising livestock for the purpose of holiday cuisine.

Not that Claire thought the entire country should return tofarming and animal husbandry as a way of life. But everyoneat Simple Pleasures, Inc. was a big proponent of self-sustenance.They had to be if they wanted to remain employed.Still, Claire herself had always preferred to focusmore on the gardening and sewing and baking sort of self-sustenancethan she had the butchering-of-small-animals sortof self-sustenance. After all, there were some simple practicesthat weren't especially pleasurable. And those were the onesbest glossed over and not featured on national daytime television.Especially during the summer, when children were outof school and very likely to be plastered to the family TV.

"No, wait, this could work," Ginny Lymon, Nina's recentlybeaned assistant, chimed in as she rubbed the side ofher forehead. Claire wondered if she should tell the youngwoman that she'd missed a smudge of cigarette ash near hereye. Then again, Ginny wore so much liner and such darkshadow that an extra smudge of ash was negligible. Andconsidering the fact that she dyed her hair jet-black, worejet-black nail polish and lipstick, and dressed from head totoe in -- surprise! -- jet black, she'd probably welcome theadded darkness. "If we cut the banjo bit," Ginny went on,"and push Dorcas Marcum's peony piece back 'til Monday,we could expand the chicken segment."

Claire eyed the production assistant with horror, worriedthat she and Ginny were on the same wavelength. Very cautiously,she asked, "And by 'expanding the chicken segment,' you would mean ...?"

Ginny shrugged. "We could kill and pluck it as part of theshow."

Claire closed her eyes and willed herself not to pass out.Yep. She and Ginny were on the same wavelength, all right.But not one of those wavelengths that lapped lovingly at atranquil beach in a soft, reaffirming way. No, this particularwavelength was more of a raging tsunami that threatened towipe out all of Osaka.

"And after we've dealt with the thousands of letters ande-mails we receive from the ASPCA, PETA, and our animal-lovingviewers," Claire said, "we can pack up the set, becausethe network will have canceled Simple Pleasures. Ofcourse, that will be nothing compared to the angry, torch-bearingmob waiting for us outside the studio, somethingthat will necessitate our running for our lives under cover ofdarkness."

"Oh, hell, Claire," Ginny said indignantly, her Southerntwang more pronounced than usual, because of her irritation,"people who eat chicken know they're eatin' a dead animal.We'll just be showin' 'em how it got that way."

The Thing About Men. Copyright © by Elizabeth Bevarly. Reprinted by permission of HarperCollins Publishers, Inc. All rights reserved. Available now wherever books are sold.

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Excerpted from The Thing about Men by Elizabeth Bevarly
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