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Here's how it works: The reader is faced with six unlikely headlines. For instance: -- Too Many Vegetables Can Make You Blind-- Chinese Create Army of Deadly, Disciplined Ducks-- Girl Dies in Fall from Platform Shoes
The true ones have been documented in legit media sources and the "tabloid" ones come from the unscrupulous fictional reporter Nigel Puddingporne. Nigel takes us through each headline, both true and false, revealing the story behind the story and weaving his own hilarious commentary along the way. It all goes to prove that truth may or may not be stranger than fiction, but it's getting increasingly harder to tell the difference.
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Introduction
Check out the headlines in any morning newspaper and you'll undoubtedly find one that gives you pause. You wonder, Is this a joke? A hilarious put-on created by an editorial prankster? But reading the story, you learn the outrageous headline is, unfortunately for the human race, all-too-true.
Truth or Tabloid? is your chance to test your talent for separating the bizarre from the bogus, the unreal from the all-too-real.
This is your opportunity to match wits with a half-wit-legendary supermarket tabloid reporter Nigel Puddingporne. Are Nigel's wild headlines true? Or are they the product of his fevered, Guinness-enhanced imagination? You decide.
Nigel burned the midnight oil, and what remained of his brain cells, to create a massive one hundred games and a whopping five hundred headlines to challenge your media-saturated mind. They are cleverly broken into ten categories corresponding to the sections in a typical daily newspaper-from gossip to lifestyles to business and sports-with trivia-filled answers from impeccable sources and Nigel's trenchant commentary.
Each game contains five headlines. Score yourself on the number of headlines you identify correctly as either "Truth" or "Tabloid" by consulting the following table:
0 out of 5 correct: It's cold and wet in your cave.
1 out of 5 correct: Smell the coffee-you're Amish.
2 out of 5 correct: English is your second language. Maybe third.
3 out of 5 correct: Getting warmer.
4 out of 5 correct: You deserve your own public-access talk show.
5 out of 5 correct: Cheater! Cheater! Cheater!
6 out of 5 correct: Sociopath.
Truth or Tabloid? can be played alone in an easy chair, with the hospital staff before your anesthetic kicks in, or even in your office cubicle. Can you beat your coworkers?
The boss is betting against you.
Chapter 1
Top Stories
A cub reporter will toss in his sleep night after night, praying for that top story to fall from the sky. The career-making scoop that will enable him to move out of Mom and Dad's basement, buy new socks, maybe even afford to date a girl or two, if they're not too demanding.
A seasoned tabloid reporter, like yours truly, will play a round of golf, call in his sports bets, and enjoy a fine lunch of gin and tonic, prime rib, and baked potato, only after which will he show up for work, wrap his arms around the keyboard, and phony up a story or two. Because he knows that getting that juicy top story is easier when it's a do-it-yourself affair. Besides, who can tell the difference? Can you?
Game 1
Are the following headlines Truth or Tabloid?
(See next page for correct answers.)
1.Blind Man Acts As Lookout In Failed Robbery Attempt
2.Roger Ebert Wills Smithsonian His Thumbs
3.Electronic Bra Prevents Bouncing Breasts
4.Girl Dies In Fall From Platform Shoes
5.You're The Reason Our Kids Are Ugly, Claims Ex-Wife
And now, for the CORRECT ANSWERS to GAME 1:
When Kenneth Bartelson of Pawtucket, Rhode Island, planned a house break-in, he knew he'd need a lookout. Unfortunately, no one except his accomplice Eugene was available, and Eugene is legally blind. No biggie, Kenneth apparently thought. A nearby neighbor called the cops, who arrived to catch the culprits red-handed. Eugene had mistaken the neighbor for Kenneth and was standing next to him when the police drove up.
"America's attic," in Washington, D.C., has received Archie Bunker's easy chair and many other pop-culture icons, but there are no known plans to exhibit Mr. Ebert's famed thumbs in a pickle jar after he assumes an aisle seat in the great balcony in the sky. Think a popcorn and Coke costs eight dollars in heaven?
In a giant step backward for girl watchers, a Santa Monica, California, inventor has designed an electronic breast-stabilizing brassiere. A two-way switch allows the wearer to stiffen the bra's cups when jogging or engaged in other vigorous activity. Fringe benefit: The electronic wiring also keeps her breasts warm.
Tokyo police investigated the case of a young woman who died tragically when she fell off her seven-inch platform sandals. The towering shoes were a recent fad among many urban Japanese women, who also dyed their hair blond, sported deep tans, and wore micro-mini skirts.
Sound like the makings of a good country music song? You're right. "You're the Reason Our Kids Are Ugly" is an old hit tune composed by L. E. White and Lola Dillon.
Game 2
1.New Law Protects Rats
2.Cardinal Urges Term Limits For Popes
3.Man Accused Of Faking Own Death Kills Himself
4.Chinese Create Army Of Deadly, Disciplined Ducks
5.Cell Phone Makes Man Impotent
And now, for the CORRECT ANSWERS to GAME 2:
Millions of laboratory rats used by United States researchers are now protected under new regulations outlining minimum standards of care. Lab rat to researchers: "First of all, don't call me rat anymore. I'm a research associate. Plus, I get every Sunday off to crawl in the sewer. And I DON'T DO TREADMILLS!"
In a book, Cardinal Godfried Danneels of Belgium says that there should be a debate on limiting the term of the papacy. One of Europe's most influential cardinals, Danneels feels that the time will soon come when term limits will be expanded from other clergy levels to the papacy itself. A question for Cardinal Danneels: Could you also have this apply to knuckle-rapping Sister X, a certain ruler-wielding grade-school-teaching nun?
"I can't do anything right!" Bang!
Those Commies are at it again. This time, they've trained a so-called elite force of seven hundred thousand ducks to attack on command. What they attack are the locusts that annually plague rural fields. The army is transported to a trouble spot, a whistle is blown, and the "troops" devour every locust in sight. Officials estimate the campaign has cleansed China of a hundred million ethnic locusts. Note: To maintain discipline, any "soldier" who gets out of line is covered with orange sauce, baked, and eaten.
Actually, the opposite can happen, according to an Italian consumer group. The association, named Codacons, asked three hundred volunteers to give up their cell phones for fifteen days. One surprising result: About 25 percent reported a dramatic drop in personal confidence that led to sexual problems with their partners.
Game 3
1.Star Wars An Official Religion
2.Big Boobs A Bummer In Brazil
3.Shocking New Gangsta Rap Dance Craze-"The Prison Strut"
4.Moscow: Do-It-Yourself Police Cars As Low As $1,500
5.Tiger's Roar Paralyzes People
And now, for the CORRECT ANSWERS to GAME 3:
A recent British census asked citizens to identify their religion. As a prank, or maybe as a protest, an E-mail was circulated urging Star Wars fans to list "Jedi" as their belief of choice. Around ten thousand people did just that, forcing the Office for National Statistics to give Jedi an official position on the census form that followed. "When the forms are processed, all data is encoded and we have given 'Jedi Knight' a code because a large group of people have entered it on their forms," said a census official.
In Brazil, large breasts are seen as a libido killer, and breast-reduction surgery is very popular. (Not my libido.)
3.Shocking New Gangsta Rap Dance Craze-
The "Prison Strut"
Actually, the "prison strut" is cop talk for the swaggering walk characteristic of hardened convicts newly released to the streets. Another con identifier used by savvy police is the "joint body," the big chest and huge arms many prisoners develop by pumping iron. Crime Stopper Tip: If you bump into anyone doing the Prison Strut, turn around and perform the Chicken Run.
In Moscow, a big enough bribe can get just about anything done. Permission to install a flashing police light on your private car runs around $1,500. It's about $400 to obtain a driver's license without a test. Approximately $5,000 to avoid the military draft. And a whopping $100,000 to get a major criminal investigation stopped dead in its tracks.
Scientists at the Fauna Communication Research Institute in North Carolina have discovered that humans can feel as well as hear a tiger's roar, causing a momentary paralysis that may lead to their doom. Describes me to a T when my secretary says, "Phone call from the legal department."
Excerpted from Truth or Tabloid? by Peter Fenton Excerpted by permission. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
