Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew

by ELDRIDGE, SHERRIE

• ISBN13: 9780440508380
• ISBN10: 044050838X
• Edition: Revised
• Format: Trade Paper
• Copyright: 1999-10-12
• Publisher: Delta

Summary

"Birthdays may be difficult for me." "I want you to take the initiative in opening conversations about my birth family." "When I act out my fears in obnoxious ways, please hang in there with me." "I am afraid you will abandon me." The voices of adopted children are poignant, questioning. And they tell a familiar story of loss, fear, and hope. This extraordinary book, written by a woman who was adopted herself, gives voice to children's unspoken concerns, and shows adoptive parents how to free their kids from feelings of fear, abandonment, and shame. With warmth and candor, Sherrie Eldridge reveals the twenty complex emotional issues you must understand to nurture the child you love--that he must grieve his loss now if he is to receive love fully in the future--that she needs honest information about her birth family no matter how painful the details may be--and that although he may choose to search for his birth family, he will always rely on you to be his parents. Filled with powerful insights from children, parents, and experts in the field, plus practical strategies and case histories that will ring true for every adoptive family, Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew is an invaluable guide to the complex emotions that take up residence within the heart of the adopted child--and within the adoptive home.

Author Biography

Sherrie Eldridge was adopted herself, and she uses many personal anecdotes to help illustrate the themes of this book. She formed an organization, Jewel Among Jewels Adoption Network, Inc., which helps educate people about the unique needs of the adopted child and publishes a quarterly newsletter, Jewel Among Jewels Adoption News. She lives with her husband in Indianapolis.

Table of Contents

Adoption Through the Eyes of a Child	p. 1
Hidden Losses	p. 3
Entering Your Child's World	p. 13
Twenty Things Your Adopted Child Wants You to Know	p. 23
"I Suffered a Profound Loss Before I Was Adopted. You Are Not Responsible."	p. 25
"I Need to Be Taught That I Have Special Needs Arising From Adoption Loss, of Which I Need Not Be Ashamed."	p. 33
"If I Don't Grieve My Loss, My Ability to Receive Love From You and Others Will Be Hindered."	p. 43
"My Unresolved Grief May Surface in Anger Toward You."	p. 60
"I Need Your Help in Grieving My Loss. Teach Me How to Get in Touch With My Feelings About My Adoption and Then Validate Them."	p. 73
"Just Because I Don't Talk About My Birth Family Doesn't Mean I Don't Think About Them."	p. 85
"I Want You to Take the Initiative in Opening Conversations About My Birth Family."	p. 96
"I Need to Know the Truth About My Conception, Birth, and Family History, No Matter How Painful the Details May Be."	p. 107
"I Am Afraid I Was 'Given Away' by My Birth Mother Because I Was a Bad Baby. I Need You to Help Me Dump My Toxic Shame."	p. 116
"I Am Afraid You Will Abandon Me."	p. 124
"I May Appear More 'Whole' Than I Actually Am. I Need Your Help to Uncover the Parts of Myself That I Keep Hidden So I Can Integrate All the Elements of My Identity."	p. 131
"I Need to Gain a Sense of Personal Power."	p. 138
"Please Don't Say I Look or Act Just Like You. I Need You to Acknowledge and Celebrate Our Differences."	p. 144
"Let Me Be My Own Person . . . But Don't Let Me Cut Myself Off From You."	p. 155
"Please Respect My Privacy Regarding My Adoption. Don't Tell Other People Without My Consent."	p. 162
"Birthdays May Be Difficult for Me."	p. 169
"Not Knowing My Full Medical History Can Be Distressing at Times."	p. 179
"I Am Afraid I Will Be Too Much for You to Handle."	p. 186
"When I Act Out My Fears in Obnoxious Ways, Please Hang in There With Me, and Respond Wisely."	p. 193
"Even If I Decide to Search for My Birth Family, I Will Always Want You to Be My Parents."	p. 200
Appendix
Organizations	p. 213
Support Groups	p. 215
Recommended Reading	p. 216
Audio and Video Tapes	p. 218
Bibliography	p. 219
Table of Contents provided by Syndetics. All Rights Reserved.

Excerpts

Hidden Losses

Row upon row of tombstones lined the lush lawns as I drove through the tall black iron gates toward my adoptive parents' graves. An elderly man filled a plastic pitcher at a spigot and the smell of freshly mowed grass filled the air. A new grave was being dug across the way, a vivid reminder that loss is an undeniable part of life.

On the seat beside me were two long-stemmed roses, symbolic of my late-blooming gratitude to my parents, who had weathered the growing-up years with me. I was returning to their graves as an adult who had finally come to grips with the fact that adoption had, and continues to have, a profound impact on my life. This was to be my day of reckoning, forgiveness, and closure.

As I exited the car and headed toward my parents' graves a tidal wave of grief washed over me, and I felt like an orphan once more. How I hate that feeling! I was gripped by the cold, hard fact that the people who loved me most were buried below.

I tiptoed over the mounded grass to their rose-colored headstone. RETHA G. AND MIKE J. COOK, the etched letters read. As I ran my fingers over the smooth granite stone, I whispered, "I hope you knew how much I loved you. Thank you for loving me when I was so unlovable."

Without a doubt, my parents did their best to be the kind of parents I needed. And I wanted nothing more than to be the kind of daughter they could be proud of. However, our hearts rarely, if ever, connected. Instead, we were like ships passing in the night.

Outwardly, we appeared to be a close family. We took vacations and played golf together. I remember my parents proudly watching the events of my life unfold. I was a model child: captain of the cheerleading team, first-chair clarinet, homecoming representative for my class. But behind the scenes I was starving myself, being sexually promiscuous, and stealing. My parents didn't have a clue. I never thought about the discrepancy between the good girl/bad girl aspects of my life or considered sharing my struggles with my parents. I was driven by a force I wasn't even aware of.

What was the problem? Was it my parents? Were they second rate? No! Was it me? Was I damaged goods because I was adopted? No! A million times, no. The problem, or enemy, was ignorance--ignorance about unresolved adoption loss and the need to grieve.

The "L" Word

As with most everything in life, adoption has positive and negative elements. None of us wants to acknowledge the negative, painful side--that is, loss. But the truth is, the very act of adoption is built upon loss. For the birth parents, the loss of their biological offspring, the relationship that could have been, a very part of themselves. For the adoptive parents, the loss of giving birth to a biological child, the child whose face will never mirror theirs. And for the adopted child, the loss of the birth parents, the earliest experience of belonging and acceptance. To deny adoption loss is to deny the emotional reality of everyone involved.

An adoptee's wounds are hardly ever talked about. They are the proverbial pink elephant in the living room. Dr. David M. Brodzinsky and Dr. Marshall D. Schechter, a psychologist and psychiatrist specializing in adoption, say in their insightful book Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self, that loss for the adoptee is "unlike other losses we have come to expect in a lifetime, such as death and divorce. Adoption is more pervasive, less socially recognized, and more profound."

Grief is the natural response to loss, and those touched by adoption must be given permission to revisit emotionally the place of loss, feel the pain, scream the anger, cry the tears, and then allow themselves to be loved by others. If left unresolved, this grief can and often does sabotage the strongest of families and the deepest potential within the adopted child. It can undermine the most sincere parental commitment and force adoptees to suffer in private, choosing either rebellion or conformity as a mode of relating.

Since adoption loss is somewhat difficult to understand, I will use the gardening technique of grafting to illustrate not only adoption loss but a variety of adoption dynamics.

A Lesson from Nature

A grafted tree. Magnificent to behold. One of a kind. Contrary to nature. Luxurious leaves and intricate roots. Loaded with horticultural challenges for a gardener, but ultimately yielding a tree with unparalleled beauty.

The adopted child. Magnificent to behold. One of a kind. Biological features often contrary to yours. Intricate roots that need to be healed. Loaded with behavioral challenges for parents, but ultimately yielding a life of unparalleled beauty.

How do you react to the above? Some might be saying "Yes! A thousand times, yes! This describes our child. She is one of a kind and we are so glad she is ours." Others may be saying "You'd better believe our adopted child presents us with challenges! He can peel wallpaper off a wall at the speed of a shining bullet, make holes in the drywall of his room, be verbally and physically rebellious, tear up anything in his room, and then collapse in a pool of tears."

Wherever you are in the spectrum of possible reactions, believe me, you are not alone! As the editor of a national adoption newsletter, Jewel Among Jewels Adoption News, I receive many letters from adoptive parents who are searching for answers. How can I most effectively parent my adopted child? What are some of the obstacles I may encounter? Why is my child acting out? Am I doing something wrong? I also receive many letters from adults who were adopted as children, searching for help in dealing with their long-buried past.

Also, on a personal level, I can understand your questions and concerns. When I was adopted fifty-three years ago at ten days of age, my parents' desire for me was just the same as every other adoptive parent today: they longed to see me thrive and live up to my fullest potential. They also longed for that parent-child intimacy that lays the foundation for all other healthy relationships in life. If only we had known years ago what I have learned in the past several years about adoption and loss.

Back in the 1940s when I was adopted, adoptive parents were counseled by well-meaning professionals not to talk about adoption or the circumstances surrounding their child's birth or his birth family. After all, "Babies don't remember," they said. "Don't talk about the differences in personality or appearance; capitalize on the likenesses!" Birth mothers were given the same message: "Go on with your life. Put this behind you and all will be well."

Frankly, it is this kind of counsel, sometimes given even today, that makes my blood curdle, for it is the seedbed of denial and has proven wrong for many thousands of adoptees and their families who were never given permission to face and grieve their hidden losses. Child welfare supervisor and open adoption practitioner James Gritter explains in his hope-filled book, The Spirit of Open Adoption, "We must be careful not to sanitize, sentimentalize, or even glamorize the pain of adoption; it really is miserable stuff, and it is intensely personal. It is interior. The pain of adoption is not something that happens to a person; it is the person. Because the pain is so primal, it is virtually impossible to describe."

Not every adopted person experiences his loss in the same way or at the same level, of course, just as not every abused child responds the same way to his wounds. One adopted adult in his early thirties told me, "After my wife and I had our first child, my adoptive parents gave me the little bit of information they had about my birth family and told me they would support me if I wanted to explore my history or search for birth relatives. I'm not sure why they even think I'd be interested; I'm not. I've always felt okay about being adopted, and my parents are my parents. I don't feel any big need to know any more than I do about my past, and I'm not aware of any adoption issues I need to deal with."

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Excerpted from Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew by Sherrie Eldridge
All rights reserved by the original copyright owners. Excerpts are provided for display purposes only and may not be reproduced, reprinted or distributed without the written permission of the publisher.