Uncle John's Presents Book Of The Dumb 2

by Scalzi, John Michael

• ISBN13: 9781592232697
• ISBN10: 1592232698
• Format: Paperback
• Copyright: 2004-11-11
• Publisher: Portable Press

Summary

In this much-anticipated sequel to the bestselling Uncle John's Presents Book of the Dumb, author John Scalzi casts a wide net to bring readers more mind-boggling dumbosities perpetrated by dumb-doers.Dumbness knows no bounds: it comes in all shapes, sizes and colours from every outpost of the planet. To prove that dumb is no flash in the pan, the author digs into history to shine a light on some of history's most ill-advised blunders and bloopers, revealing that people have always had an unfortunate knack for inane, inept and downright dumb behaviour.

Table of Contents

Introduction	xvii
CHAPTER 1 BIG DUMMY ON CAMPUS
The Greatest Scavenger Hunt in the Universe	2	(3)
Stupidity Is Alive and Well and Wearing Greek Letters	5	(2)
If Nothing Else, He Has a Degree in Chutzpah	7	(2)
How to Become the Most Hated Man in College Park	9	(2)
A Double-Entendre That Has Absolutely Nothing to Do with Sex	11	(2)
The Really Stupid Quiz	13	(5)
CHAPTER 2 BLAME IT ON THE FAME
Not Exactly a "Smooth Criminal"	18	(2)
Rub & Roll	20	(1)
The Camera Has Stopped. Please Don't Act Anymore	21	(1)
A Step Down from "Clapton Is God," to Be Sure	22	(2)
To Tell the Truth	24	(2)
A Jewel of a Concert	26	(1)
Slappin' to the Oldies	27	(1)
The Really Stupid Quiz	28	(6)
CHAPTER 3 CHUG-A-LUG!
Mmmm...Felonious Beer	34	(1)
Chug-A, Chug-A, Choo-Choo!	35	(1)
Bulldozing Berlin	36	(1)
Blasphemy, Australian Style	37	(1)
Fence Frustrates Sloshed Swede	38	(2)
Oh, It Was Hazardous Material, All Right	40	(2)
Blessed Aren't the Dumb	42	(2)
Those Weren't the Suds They Were Looking For	44	(1)
The Drunk Need Not Apply	45	(1)
The Really Stupid Quiz	46	(6)
CHAPTER 4 DUMBING IN THE FAMILY
So Happy Together...	52	(2)
They're Always in the Last Place You Look	54	(2)
But You Can Get the Lithograph for Just $25K!	56	(2)
Long-Term Storage?	58	(2)
Does the Duffel Bag Cost Extra?	60	(2)
Someone Left the Rake out in the Rain	62	(1)
The Really Stupid Quiz	63	(5)
CHAPTER 5 EDU-MA-CATION
The Class Ended with a Bang	68	(2)
Death by Peanut Butter!	70	(2)
To the Showers, Coach	72	(1)
It Tasted Just Like Stupidity	73	(1)
Not What They Meant by Sex Ed	74	(1)
Everest Is Not in the Cards	75	(2)
The Really Stupid Quiz	77	(5)
CHAPTER 6 GOVERNMENT GOOFS
Uncle Sam Charges It	82	(2)
Cyprus? It's Near Crete. Really Near.	84	(2)
No Straight Edge Required	86	(1)
Are You There, Vishwakarma? It's Me, Yadav	87	(2)
Downgrading from the Sixth Circle of Hell to the Fifth	89	(2)
Can't Blame Them for Taking It	91	(1)
Britain, Austria, Luvania?	92	(6)
CHAPTER 7 HI-TECH HALF-WITS
And Yet, Almost Nothing of Any Value Ever Gets Said That Way	98	(2)
GPS Also Stands for "Generally Pretty Stupid"	100	(1)
The Ultimate in Poor Service	101	(1)
Wireless Yet Stupid	102	(2)
Insert "Fava Beans and a Nice Chianti" Joke Here	104	(2)
The Perils of Being "Leet"	106	(3)
Bidding on Jail Time	109	(2)
No Such Thing As a Free Fill-Up	111	(2)
Cell Phone Craziness	113	(2)
Sleep On Your Own Time, Bub	115	(5)
CHAPTER 8 A HUNK, A HUNK OF BURNIN' DUMB
Talk About Char-Broiled	120	(1)
Crispy Critters, Crispy Commerce	121	(2)
From the Do-As-We-Say-Not-As-We-Do Department	123	(1)
Pants on Fire	124	(2)
He'll Be the Butt of Jokes for Years	126	(2)
Keep the Home Fires Burning	128	(2)
Some Life Left in Them	130	(1)
The Really Stupid Quiz	131	(5)
CHAPTER 9 THE LAW IS BLIND, NOT DUMB
Undercover Idiocy	136	(1)
Someone Who Wouldn't Benefit From Tips for Stupid Criminals	137	(2)
You're Not an Emergency!	139	(2)
A One Way Ticket to Stupidville, First Class	141	(2)
Attention, Wal-Mart Shoppers	143	(1)
She Should Have Seen It Coming	144	(1)
Seriously Out of Uniform	145	(1)
That's the Ticket	146	(2)
What Would You Do for Vanilla Roast?	148	(2)
Oh Deer	150	(2)
Flashy Stupidity	152	(6)
CHAPTER 10 MORONS AND MOTOR VEHICLES
On the Road, Don't Look at These Curves	158	(2)
Vehicular Stupidity, Canadian Style	160	(2)
Driving Toward Trouble	162	(1)
I Wasn't Speeding. The Earth Just Rotated Slower	163	(1)
The Wrong Fake ID	164	(1)
A Short Cut, Or a Long Way Down?	165	(1)
A Crushing Loss	166	(2)
She Can Park There for 17 Years	168	(1)
The Case of the Too Clever License Plate	169	(5)
CHAPTER 11 OUTSMARTED BY ANIMALS
Cette Panthére Est Trés Petite, Non?	174	(2)
The Great Immobile Owl	176	(1)
Meow, Baby	177	(2)
Pssst...Dogs Don't Get Representational Art	179	(2)
And Then the Entire Town Imploded from the Weight of All the Puns	181	(2)
Please, Think of the St. Bernards	183	(2)
A Boner of a Regulation	185	(2)
If You Give a Polar Bear a Cookie	187	(1)
The Really Stupid Quiz	188	(6)
CHAPTER 12 POLITICAL PINHEADS
Spelling Lesson	194	(2)
Not Clear On the "Have to Win People's Votes" Thing	196	(2)
Put Down That Comic Book!	198	(1)
Well, Then, Stop Printing Them with Flavored Ink	199	(2)
Vice Presidential Misprint	201	(5)
CHAPTER 13 ROMANCING THE STONED
When Not to Call the Police	206	(1)
What If You Gave a Party and Nobody Came, Dude?	207	(1)
Not Too Subtle	208	(1)
Smuggler's Blues	209	(1)
Everybody Must Get Paranoid?	210	(1)
Crack Is Wack	211	(2)
A Case of Bad Crack	213	(1)
She Flipped the Bird, He Flipped the Cuffs	214	(2)
The Map to Idiotville	216	(1)
When You're Sniffing This Stuff, It's Time for Rehab	217	(1)
Dad, That's My Coke!	218	(2)
Another Meaning for Getting High	220	(6)
CHAPTER 14 SEX AND OTHER NAKED ACTIVITIES
When Lust Goes Overboard	226	(1)
That Greasy Freak	227	(1)
From the "Probably Too Dumb to Be True" File	228	(2)
Old School Nudity	230	(1)
A Hardcore Benefit	231	(1)
Like Romeo and Juliet, with Ductwork	232	(1)
A Little Bit of Road Rage	233	(1)
The Really Stupid Quiz	234	(6)
CHAPTER 15 STUPIDITY IS MY BUSINESS, AND BUSINESS IS GOOD
Some Things You Just Can't Give Away	240	(1)
Trimming Justice	241	(2)
A Bad Time to Be Out of Gas	243	(2)
No Water for Me? Then No Tip for You	245	(2)
"Nobody Asked"	247	(2)
It's Never Too Early to Develop Soul-Crushing Debt	249	(1)
An Important Tip For Funeral Directors	250	(1)
He Must Really Love His Staplers	251	(1)
A Refreshing Moment of Honest, Corporate Greed	252	(2)
Rabid Lawyer Put Down	254	(1)
Malpractice or Monkey Business?	255	(1)
You Must Be This Thin to Get Your Fish and Chips	256	(6)
CHAPTER 16 THE THRILL OF VICTORY, THE AGONY OF STUPIDITY
Nothing Technical About This Knockout	262	(1)
When You Gotta Go, You Gotta Go	263	(1)
Beer! Hockey Fans! What Could
Possibly Go Wrong?	264	(2)
The Rocket's Red Wheeze	266	(2)
Rumors of My Death Something, Something, Something	268	(2)
A Promotion That's Just Criminal	270	(2)
The Really Stupid Quiz	272	(6)
CHAPTER 17 TILL DUMB DO US PART Goin' to the Chapel and We're Gonna Steal the Candleholders	278	(14)
A Hot Time in the Old Car	280	(1)
Inappropriate Use of Limos Abounds!	281	(2)
He'll Be Shopping for a Radiator Grille	283	(1)
What? No Kid Named After Colonel Tom Parker?	284	(1)
Maybe Catering Next Time?	285	(1)
A New Spin on the "Shotgun Wedding"	286	(1)
A Fishy Domestic Dispute	287	(5)
CHAPTER 18 TIPS FOR STUPID CRIMINALS
Don't Leave a Paper Trail	292	(1)
Don't Forget About the Dye Pack	293	(1)
Don't Be Early to Your Robbery	294	(2)
Air Vents and Criminals Don't Mix	296	(1)
Know Your Technology	297	(1)
Know the Law in Your Jurisdiction	298	(1)
Pssst...They Can See You on the Internet	299	(2)
Make Sure Your Fake Badge Doesn't Say Something Stupid	301	(2)
Just Take the Wallet and Run	303	(1)
Hey Big Spender, Try Laying Low for a While	304	(1)
Don't Moon Over Your Sentence	305	(1)
The Police Hang Out at the Courthouse	306	(1)
Try Knocking First	307	(1)
Thou Shalt Not Steal-Especially from God	308	(2)
Keep It Down	310	(4)
CHAPTER 19 TRAVEL TRAVAILS
Naptime at 36,000 Feet	314	(1)
Things Not to Leave in Your Rental Car	315	(1)
Airport Insecurity	316	(1)
In Man vs. Train, Bet on the Train	317	(1)
Step Outside, Then Free Fall	318	(1)
Empty Vessels	319	(2)
Report the News, Don't Make It	321	(1)
We're Sorry, This Is a No-Slapping Flight	322	(2)
Don't Rush Me	324	(1)
The Really Stupid Quiz	325
Answers	239	(91)
The Last Page	330