Understanding the Tin Man Why So Many Men Avoid Intimacy

by July, William

• ISBN13: 9780767905664
• ISBN10: 0767905660
• Format: Paperback
• Copyright: 2001-02-13
• Publisher: Harmony

Summary

Why are men so afraid of showing their feelings? What scares men about commitment? InUnderstanding the Tin Man, bestselling author William July II tackles these age-old questions, revealing what every woman wants to know about her man, and what every man needs to know about himself. Boys, conditioned to become emotionally closed off, all too often end up like the Tin Man inThe Wizard of Ozhollow on the inside, and unable to cultivate honest, loving, mutually satisfying relationships. Understanding the Tin Manpresents a simple, step-by-step program for men who want to change, and for women who want to help their men overcome the Tin Man syndrome. You will learn to recognize a Tin Man, understand why menreallyfear intimacy, see through the tactics men use to avoid commitment and relationships, identify the five situations in which even the most emotionally numb man will share his feelings, and, most important, learn how to help a Tin Man change his life. With thought-provoking questions and self-improvement exercises for both men and women at the end of each chapter,Understanding the Tin Manis a powerful tonic for relationships and a much-needed voice of reason on the battlefield of the sexes.

Author Biography

<b>William July II</b> is a bestselling author and motivational speaker, and a former patrol officer with the metro police in Houston. In between writing and lecturing, July is pursuing a master?s degree in theology and counseling, and he is also a writer-in-residence for Houston?s Writers in the Schools program. He lives in Houston with his wife, Jamey Lacy.

Table of Contents

Acknowledgments	xiii
Introduction	1	(4)
What's a Tin Man?	5	(16)
How to Recognize Tin Speak	21	(10)
How Men Translate What Women Say into Tin Speak	31	(10)
Basic Types of Tin Men	41	(10)
Men vs. Women	51	(10)
Checking for Vital Signs: Emotional Numbness in Men	61	(12)
Tin Man Jr.: How Boys Grow Up to Be Tin Men	73	(12)
Sex: The Sweet Illusion	85	(10)
Feminine Tin Speak	95	(8)
The Tin Woman	103	(8)
Macho--Cide: Warning! Being a Tin Man Can Be Dangerous to Your Health!	111	(12)
How the Tin Man Can Change	123	(10)
A Woman's Touch	133	(14)
``Honey, We Need to Talk''	147	(10)
Building the Bridge to Intimacy, One Step at a Time	157	(12)
Twenty--Eight Ways to Change Your Life Right Now	169	(14)
To the Women Who Love Us: A Conversation About Men and Intimacy	183	(2)
To Single Mothers	185	(2)
To African American Men	187	(2)
To the Men of the Old School	189	(2)
To the Young Guys	191	(2)
The Most Commonly Asked Questions About Tin Men	193	(6)
Reality Checks: Quick Reference	199	(2)
Books, Movies, and Plays with Tin Man--and Tin Woman--Related Issues	201	(4)
Planning a Discussion	205	(8)
Where to Go for Help	213	(4)
William July: Online and In Person	217	(2)
Permissions	219

Excerpts

Whenever the subject of relationships comes up, many women ask why so many men can connect physically or on the surface, but avoid deep levels of genuine intimacy. Frustrated, many women create their own answers to these questions. They say "men only want sex. They're designed that way." But it is that simple? Are men just emotionally numb robots who have no feelings and live for sex?

There are few things more dangerous than broadly brushed generalizations. First, men aren't avoiding intimacy. Second, men are individuals and have to be approached as such. We're human beings with spirits first, then men. We are not only capable of achieving intimacy, we're equipped and designed for it.

But if that is the case, why do so many men avoid intimacy? The answer to that question can be found in society's age-old beliefs about manhood. Our society has long supported the view that being a man means we have to conquer and control; make lots of money; have lots of women. Men must also learn to ignore physical or psychological pain; we pretend we don't have emotions. We men are groomed to only experience half of ourselves. But just because we've been trained that way doesn't mean that it's right or the best pattern by which to conduct our lives.

Many of us have felt the strain of the warrior mentality wearing us down and unraveling our lives. When I was on the road promoting Brothers, Lust, and Love, I recall a conversation I had with a radio producer in between segments. He asked me what my next book, Understanding the Tin Man, was about. I said, "It's about how some men avoid intimacy because we've been taught that our manhood is defined by our ability to dominate and have power over our surroundings. Intimacy is the opposite of that: It involves interdependence and sharing. Since most men have been trained to maintain control at all times, we tend to avoid intimacy. But by denying our own emotions and feelings many of us travel down a self-destructive path that leads to promiscuity, addiction, neglect of our health, and overall unhappiness. After we wear ourselves out, we realize there's something missing and decide we need to establish a new and healthy approach to life." I thought the rugged producer would be turned off by the idea of men needing to be more sensitive and connected to their lives, but I was wrong. He nodded his head in agreement. Then he stroked his beard and uttered a deep "Mmm hmm ... You're right. I know exactly what you mean."

I've had that same reaction from men of all ages, incomes, and ethnic backgrounds every time I bring up the topics in Understanding the Tin Man; we all feel that our lives and relationships must change, but we haven't given ourselves permission to break out of the mold. Society hasn't allowed us the freedom either, and so we remain the same and we live by a definition of manhood that leaves us stressed out. We then seek solace in sex, money, drinking, getting high, or develop an insataible desire for power and control. But those things only lead to more of nothing. Some men can never have enough alcohol, drugs, sex, money, or power to make them feel complete. We have to turn the equation inside out; develop what's on the inside. By putting out lives in balance and developing the right perspective, we can enjoy our lives with increased health and prosperity.

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Excerpted from Understanding the Tin Man: Why So Many Men Avoid Intimacy by William July
All rights reserved by the original copyright owners. Excerpts are provided for display purposes only and may not be reproduced, reprinted or distributed without the written permission of the publisher.