The Varieties of Romantic Experience

by COHEN, ROBERT

• ISBN13: 9781400031849
• ISBN10: 1400031842
• Edition: Reprint
• Format: Paperback
• Copyright: 2003-04-08
• Publisher: Vintage

Summary

In the title story of this dazzling comic collection, a psychology professor delivers a lecture that segues into a confession of an embarrassing affair. An elderly man worried that his life is going downhill heads to an Indian casino in hopes of some relief. A recently divorced man arrives half an hour late to a bachelor party to find that the frightened groom has sent everyone else home. A reclusive writer visits a small college at the invitation of a former student, and nothing goes right. Funny and generous, these stories are virtuoso performancesmoving forays into disconcertingly familiar territory that line the often slippery boundaries between masculinity and humanity in American life.

Author Biography

Robert Cohen teaches at Middlebury College in Vermont.

Table of Contents

The Next Big Thing	p. 11
The Varieties of Romantic Experience: An Introduction	p. 33
Points of Interest	p. 47
The Bachelor Party	p. 67
Adult Education	p. 83
Oscillations	p. 89
A Flight of Sparks	p. 111
The Boys at Night	p. 137
Between Hammers	p. 163
Influence	p. 179
Table of Contents provided by Syndetics. All Rights Reserved.

Excerpts

The Next Big Thing

If it had been up to Howard, he'd have been there the first day it opened. That was how he saw it: arriving at dawn, glass doors flying open with a sigh, he and Bella strolling arm in arm across the virgin carpet, entering like lords. It would not exactly be a novelty--he'd been down to Atlantic City six or seven times over the years--but possibly it would feel like one. The senses were gullible that way. They received and received and received, and still at the end of the day there was this indiscriminate hunger for more.

But it hadn't been up to him, of course. There was a long list of things that weren't up to Howard Udovin at this point. He was sixty-six years old and his business had failed. His stocks were precarious, his best friends were dead, his wife refused to take him seriously, and now there were two balloons in his chest just to keep his heart from collapsing. That was how things were. The balloons he was aware of all the time, two thin, colorless membranes upon which the unruly weight of his life depended. Children's toys. And yet to accommodate their presence required some very adult adjustments.

For instance, he'd had to liquidate the inventory. That was an adjustment. He'd had to give up smoking. More adjustment. Tennis. Coffee, scotch, red meat, peanuts, ice cream, shellfish-- okay, a lot of adjustment. Even sex, which thanks to the blood thinners he'd had to give up, at least for a while, even that.

Bad luck, yes. A difficult situation to be sure. But where realities were concerned one learned to compromise. What was reality anyway? A leash around your neck that tightened as you got older. As for the sex, he only missed it sometimes. In bed now he just closed his eyes and lay there like a baby. Nothing was asked of him, nothing expected. That was the upside of his condition: how little was expected of him, even by himself.

And now, after that incident on the Triborough last March, he'd been relieved of his driver's license too, so if he wanted to go anywhere he had to persuade Bella to take him. This meant waiting until she was in the right mood, which it so happened was practically never. For a woman as moody as Bella, you'd think that every so often the law of averages would prevail and one of her moods would swing into harmony with one of yours. But no. Bella's moods remained obdurate; they swung on their own private hinge.

"Don't pester me," she'd said, when he approached her with his proposition. She was out in the backyard, laying down bricks end-to-end, creating an enclosure for the herb garden. There was no reason to enclose the herb garden that Howard was aware of, but it was in Bella's nature to build walls, to make fine delineations. "I'm not interested."

"Arthur Pearle went up there last week. He says the place is first rate. The next big thing, he says."

"Then go with him."

"I don't want to go with Arthur. He makes those crummy puns all the time, and he'll bore me to death about the grandkids. I want to go with you, Bella."

"Long drives make me sleepy."

"So nap on the ferry," he said.

"I nap in the daytime, I can't sleep at night."

"So you won't nap," Howard said. "You'll read. You'll do a crossword. You'll look out at the Sound and tell me your dreams."

"Ha!" she said. "My dreams!"

"Fine. I was just talking. Do what you want.

"You want my dreams?" Bella put down her brick and looked at him.

"I was just talking, Bella." Suddenly the last thing he wanted was to go anywhere with this woman. How had they even traveled this far?

"In my dreams my mother comes out of the sky, sits on the edge of the bed, and sings to me in Russian. She sings, wake up you stupid girl, wake up. But I don't."

"Bella," he said, "I was just talking."

"Sometimes it's not my mother. Sometimes it's Aunt Ida who comes, also singing, in a black fur coat. Ida the widow: she was seventeen, practically a pauper. Where did she get such a coat?"

"Maybe she hit big at the casino, Bella. Why not try it yourself?"

Bella gave an aristocratic sniff by which to indicate deep thought. She took off one work glove and considered the back of her hand for a moment, where the skin was bunched and dry from exposure, like old coral. "I don't like to leave the garden right now,' she said finally. "The weather's changeable. You turn your back and next thing it's gone."

"One day, Bella."

"Things happen in less time than that."

"Things? What things? What are you talking about? Do you even know, or are you just saying whatever comes into your head to make me mad?"

"Pish tosh," Bella said. "You were always an angry person, Mickey says. Now you're more so. That's it in a nutshell."

"You're the nutshell, Bella."

Mickey the big shot. Twenty years ago he took a survey course at Brooklyn College, and ever since he's Doctor Freud. But you had to tread carefully around the subject of Mickey. He was Bella's one and only, and if he hadn't moved to California she'd still be cutting up his chicken for him every night. Also, as Bella would be quick to remind him, Howard had no children himself. The reasons for this were not entirely clear. His first wife, Fay, had wanted a family, but he was just starting out then, long hours, weekends, eating lunch at his desk so as not to miss any calls, all the time conscious over his shoulder of the cold clear eye of the bank. He'd said, wait. Give me a chance to get established; let me make a name. In truth his feelings on the subject had been vague, half-formed; it was possible, if challenged, they'd have taken a different shape. But Fay did not challenge. Poor amiable Fay, who could barely heat up a pot of coffee without encouragement, never challenged.

They waited all right. They waited until she was dead in the ground.

Anyway what difference did it make? At their age, even children weren't children anymore. They were grown-up and gone, with complications of their own. Take Mickey. Thirty-eight years old and already bald on top, already seeing doctors for mysterious ailments, already divorced. No, children didn't solve anything. Children were just a passing phase, a diversion. They were children for a while and then they turned into something else. Meanwhile you were still just you.

"Look around, old woman," he said. "We have money and time and a big car from Detroit. We're free."

Bella waved her wrist. "You don't know the meaning."

"Arthur Pearle knows. He's been to Cancun, Hawaii, Santa Fe. He says this place out in the woods tops them all. State of the art facility. There's even a museum on the premises.

"Museum?" Bella, who in her capacious and neatly ordered wallet carried membership cards for the Whitney, the Met, the Modern, the Guggenheim, the Jewish, and the International Center for Photography, perked up at this. "What kind?"

"Historical," Howard said authoritatively, though in truth he could not recall what kind of museum Arthur had said it was. "You know, Indian stuff. Native peoples, Bella. A rich and valuable heritage. It's time we stop thinking like immigrants and learn the history of the land."

"Learn your own," she said. "That would be plenty of history right there."

It wasn't going to happen, he realized that, but he could not keep himself from shouting, "I'm not talking about me, damn you. I'm talking about this country. I'm talking about opportunity, free enterprise. I'm talking about open space, Bella. About loopholes." She blinked at him coolly as if she had never heard this word before, as if he were making it up. It was a common and terrifically unfair theme of their marriage that he was nor as bright as she was, and thus less entitled for some reason to speak his mind. "Don't you see?" he persisted. "Every empty space is an opportunity. The Indians, they've figured this out. You get beat up and shoved aside for hundreds of years, you learn how to interpret the laws. Work the margins. Like us."

That blink again.

"They say the Indians might be the missing tribe. You know, the one that got lost in the Bible. Arthur read a theory in Book-of-the-Month."

"What book, I'd like to know. The Moron's Almanac? The Stupid Person's Guide to Life?"

"The point is," Howard kept his voice steady, "you've got to work around the limits sometimes. Take charge, change your luck. Otherwise you're just treading water.

"Dummy," she said. "My luck is right here. Why should I run off to Connecticut? I'm happy right here."

She was, too. Bella was happy right here with her bricks and short spade, her crocuses and lilies, her tarragon, chives, rhubarb, and carrots. There was no reason he could think of why she should run off to Connecticut, other than the dreary but unavoidable fact that he could not get there without her. It was a classic conflict of interest. Marriage, in his experience, was often a conflict of interest. Arthur Pearle was a widower; he could go where he wanted. Arthur had no conflict anymore, only interest. Bella and he were just the reverse. Possibly they had a bit more conflict than most. Possibly so.

Then something occurred to him. A loophole. He could get there without her. He'd go the same way Arthur went: on one of those cheap minibuses the casino sent around, the ones they advertised in the paper every Sunday. It would not really be his style to travel in a big group that way, but it would do, he thought.

Now that he'd been liberated from Bella, now that he did not require her for his expedition after all, now that he felt, to be honest, somewhat superior to her, more farsighted and ambitious, the way he used to feel on the road sometimes, driving a big rental car past a small industrial city over a wide gleaming elevated highway--Howard hesitated for a moment, confused. What was he doing? It was the way he'd felt after that procedure at the doctor's, the one with the balloons. This strange new pressure in his chest which was more like the absence of pressure. This strange new life to get used to. And this sense of having been ready, ready a long time, without even knowing.

***

The first disappointment was the minibus, which turned out to be a lot more mini than he'd supposed--just a narrow ten-seater van with a sliding door, atrocious shocks, and the casino's mauve moon logo painted on one side. When it pulled up in front of the stationery store, idling noisily and belching exhaust, Howard grimaced; he could see it was already full of old people from other stops, other towns. Not old like him, but old. Nine in the morning, he's wearing his good blue blazer and gray slacks, and he has to scrunch into a seat between two of the world's oldest, most annoying women.

Bella's revenge, he thought: everywhere you go you're walled in.

"You've been?" one of the women says to him. White frizzy hair piled up on her head like a helmet. Pink-rimmed glasses. Breathing hard, as if at her age even sitting down was too much exercise. She appeared to be checking out his wedding ring.

"Been what?"

"You know. Been."

"No," he says. "First time."

"We went yesterday, Charlotte and me. Yesterday was a very good day, wasn't it, Charlotte?"

"Oh, yesterday," said Charlotte dreamily.

"Won over fifty dollars at Keno. Fifty-five. Then we played the slots. Then we went and heard that black singer, what's his name, Smoker--"

"Smokey Robinson," said Charlotte.

"That's right. They let you in to watch the afternoon rehearsal if you ask, and it's free."

Howard nodded. What had he done yesterday? Argued with Bella in the backyard. Listened to the radio. Read a mystery.

The woman on his left sighed. "A very good day. That's why we're going back. The first rule, you know, is not to mess up a good streak."

"Oh?" He waited to hear the second rule.

"And the buffet," Charlotte put in from his right. "Don't forget the buffet."

"My god." The woman on his left shook her head with a reverence that bordered on sorrow, "I swear I've never eaten so much in my life."

"Oh yes," said Charlotte.

"Charlotte had the popcorn shrimp, I had prime rib. Chili con came. Chicken with pesto. Five kinds of pie for dessert. Plus the chocolate mousse. You tried the chocolate mousse?"

He could see there was no use in repeating how this was his first time. She had switched on her tape and it was going to loop around to its conclusion no matter what. So he leaned his head back against the seat and closed his eyes, listening to the thrumming bass notes of the tires. The road, the road. He missed it terribly. Of course he'd have preferred to be the driver, not the driven, but it was pleasant to be going somewhere for a change, just sitting back and surrendering to the machine. You could, he supposed, surrender too much. Like that time last March on the Triborough bridge. A warm night, warm enough to roll the windows down even before he got to the toll plaza, and though he'd spent most of it receiving bad news from his accountant at an overpriced Mexican restaurant on Eighth Avenue, Howard had felt, driving uptown, curiously cool and detached, as if now that the thin rope that bound his fortunes to the earthly plane of balance sheets and profit-and-loss statements had been severed for good, those fortunes were finally free to ascend, to seek out new homes in the vastness of space. Around him the city shuddered with light. There was a mild trickling noise in his head which, after the heavy meal and thunderous rock music and the six-dollar margaritas, might have been a smattering of respectful applause, the kind an arm-weary starting pitcher might hear late in the game, two runs behind, reliever strolling in from the bullpen--okay, it said, enough for now, you've tried, you've tried, you've tried. And then coming off the bridge he threw in his token, and the gate arm clicked and rose, and he stepped on the accelerator and roared the hell out of Manhattan as he used to, god, forty years back, in his golden Ford, after a night at Roseland with Fay, the car swerving beneath him as Fay herself would swerve, later, beneath the fake Utrillo in her parents' living room, and though Fay was long gone now and Howard not far behind, he succumbed all over again to the softness that seemed to lie at the center of things, the perfume that rose like breath from Fay's skin, her trembling, already-halfway-to-zaftig thighs, her clumsy and reticent mouth, and for a moment it was no longer clear to him where he was going, which way was forward and which way back, though the issue was resolved when his enormous humming front end--the Buick's, not the Ford's-- plowed directly into the trunk of the Saab ahead of him.

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Excerpted from The Varieties of Romantic Experience by Robert Cohen
All rights reserved by the original copyright owners. Excerpts are provided for display purposes only and may not be reproduced, reprinted or distributed without the written permission of the publisher.