We're Just Like You, Only Prettier Confessions of a Tarnished Southern Belle

by Rivenbark, Celia

• ISBN13: 9780312312442
• ISBN10: 031231244X
• Edition: Reprint
• Format: Paperback
• Copyright: 2005-02-01
• Publisher: St. Martin's Griffin

Summary

Why couldn't the Sopranos survive living down South? Simple. You can't shoot a guy full of holes after eating chicken and pastry, spoon bread, okra, and tomatoes. What does a Southern woman consider grounds for divorce? When daddy takes the kids out in public dressed in their pajama tops and Tweety Bird swim socks. Again. What is the Southern woman's opinion of a new "fat virus" theory? Bring it on! We've got a lot of skinny friends we need to sneeze on. In this wickedly funny follow-up to her bestselling novel Bless Your Heart, Tramp , Celia Rivenbark welcomes you, once again, to the South she loves, the land of "Mama and them," "precious and dahlin'," and mommies who mow. Y'all come back now, you hear?

Author Biography

Celia Rivenbark is the author of Bless Your Heart, Tramp. She writes a weekly column called "From the Belle Tower" for the Myrtle Beach Sun News, and lives in Wilmington, North Carolina, with her husband and daughter.

Table of Contents

Introduction	xi
Part 1: The Southern Family
AND NO, WE DON'T MARRY OUR COUSINS-UNLESS, OF COURSE, THEY GOT CABLE
1. Stop Watching Your Plasma TV and Start Selling Your Plasma!
How to Become Honest-to-Jesus White Trash	3	(8)
2. Baby Born Won't Poop
How a Constipated Doll Baby Sabotaged the Hap-Hap-Happiest Time of the Year	11	(8)
3. There's a Hair in My Bacon Grease
Why the Greatest Generation Is Rinsing Out Ziploc Bags and Eating Ptomaine Turkey	19	(6)
4. Mama and Them, Precious and Dahlin'
Why The Sopranos Could Never Survive Down South	25	(7)
5. Here Comes the Bride
Let's Just Get 'Em Hitched Sometime Before We See the Head	32	(11)
6. Where Were You When Stringbean Passed?
A Real Southerner Would Know the Answer to That Question	43	(8)
Past 2: Kids
JUST BECAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE GILLS DOESN'T MEAN THEY'RE HUMAN
1. Chuck E. Cheese's
Where a Kid Can Be a Kid While Mommie Gets Hammered on Watered-Down Bud Light	51	(8)
2. "And What Did You Have for Breakfast, Dear'?"
Tell the Preschool Nazis You Had Waffles and Eggs 'Stead of Juicy Fruit and a Coke, Okay?	59	(5)
3. "Sorry I Can't Make It to the Recital"
I'm Planning to Poke Myself in the Eye with a Sharp Stick That Night	64
4. "Your Kid's Fever Is So High, the Others Are Standing Around Her with Marshmallows on Sticks"
How My Day at the Spa Went Up Shit Creek	71	(7)
5. Preschool Already?
Why We'd Rather Stay Home, Chew Gum, and Not Share a Little Longer	78	(7)
6. "Pssst-Wanna Buy Some Really Ugly Gift Wrap?"
Training Tykes to Be Telemarketers for Fun and Profit	85	(7)
7. How to Be a Hands-On Parent Using Field Trips, Dead Butterflies, and Beefaroni	92	(13)
Part 3: Couples Therapy, Southern Style
LORD, PLEASE DON'T LET ME KILL HIM TILL THE HOUSE IS PAID FOR
1. "Papa, Don't Preach"
You're Late for Church, Got Mary Kay on Half Your Face, and He's Honking in the Carport	105	(7)
2. "Never Saw 'Em Before in My Life"
What to Say at the Wedding Reception When Hubby's Dressed Your Kid in Batman Sweats and Tweety Bird Swim Socks	112	(7)
3. Study Says Men Listen with Half Their Brains
They Use the Other Half for Caulk	119	(6)
4. Big Screen, Big Tallywacker
Shoot, Everybody Knows That	125	(6)
5. Sick of Seeing Men at Those "Couples" Baby Showers?
Tell 'Em About the Time You Lost Your Mucus Plug in the Winn-Dixie	131	(14)
Part 4: The Southern Woman
THE TRUTH? WE'RE JUST LIKE YOU, ONLY PRETTIER
1. Scientists Discover Fat Virus!
How I Went from Diet, Exercise, and Giving a Shit to Gnawing 99¢ Turkey Legs at the Stop-n-Go	145	(9)
2. I Drum 'Em on My Desk and They Click Like a Poodle on Pergo
The Dirty Little Secret of Manicure Addiction and Other American Beauty Rituals	154	(10)
3. Mother's Day Memories
Make Mine Macaroni	164	(5)
4. "What We Havin' for Dinner Tonight, Sugar Booger?"
And Other Wildly Important Uses for the Cell Phone	169	(6)
5. Real Simple Magazine: Meet Manwich, the Working Girl's Best Friend
How to Feng-Shui Your Way to Di-Vorce Court	175	(9)
6. Screw the Wisdom of Menopause	184	(7)
7. Birthday Greetings from the Insurance Ghouls
Just Count the Rings Around My Stomach and Mail Me a Kate Spade Purse	191	(12)
Part 5: The Gravy on the Grits
BOOBALICIOUS SPEAKS OUT!
1. Stamp Out Gossip?
My Best Friend 's Mama's Sister's Hairdresser's Cousin Won't Like This a Bit	203	(5)
2. SUVs Eat the Ozone?
Hey, We All Gotta Eat Something and I Got Twenty-Seven Cup Holders	208	(8)
3. Feeling Squirrely
Why Clone Cats When There's Perfectly Good Russell Crowe Lying Around?	216	(6)
4. And Now a Word from the Cockpit...
"Harrummpha Lumpha Wheeee!"	222	(6)
5. This Just In from the Workplace
Everything Still Sucks	228	(8)
6. TV or Not TV
Oh, It's Never a Question in My House	236	(10)
7. Cirrus, Schmirrus . . . They're All Just Puffy to Me	246	(5)
8. I am Boobalicious, Hear Me Roar
How Computer Hackers Ruined My Rep	251	(8)
9. Silly Lawsuits Could Clog a Toto
Or, How My Trash Cart Nearly Killed Me	259	(8)
Epilogue	267	(4)
Acknowledgments	271

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