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Some well-meaning, but nevertheless annoying, acquaintances have asked Mrs. Bowers if it is perhaps immodest to acknowledge that she is, by all credible accounts, America's best Christian. With sincerity worthy of Diana Ross, she smiles and patiently informs them that as she is actually theworld'sbest Christian, touting herself as deserving that simple superlative in merely one country, albeit the only country that matters, seems rather modest indeed. Further, it is not as if she crowned herself with this rather obvious honor. Betty was awarded the title America's Best Christian by W.W.J.D. Power and Associates several years ago when they determined that she handily outperformed all other Christians in a nationwide study in the key areas that drive the Lord's satisfaction.
Before she embarked on her rewarding career as a professional Christian, Mrs. Bowers had been Atlanta's most successful Realtor. After many lucrative years of showing multimillion-dollar mansions in the dogwood-speckled glens of Buckhead, Mrs. Bowers decided that she would rather live in opulence, instead of making it available to those less deserving. As Mrs. Bowers recounts, "God called me out of pandering to the needs of the inexplicably wealthy and promised that if I devoted my fabulous business instincts to Him, I would one day never have to share a formal, Italianate living room, much less a German SUV, with someone more wealthy than I. While the Lord routinely observes that the poor will always be with us, He has been rather emphatic that I needn't be one of them."
As Mrs. Bowers finds that she can seldom say no to the Lord, she immediately turned her entrepreneurial skills to establishing her first spiritual enterprise, Betty Bowers' Christian Crack Whore Ministry, LLC. "As soon as I realized how much cash these industrious little harlots were dealing in, it wasn't long before I introduced them to the one thing that every Baptist knows will save even the most sullied soul -- tithing." Betty Bowers' Christian Crack Whore Ministry, LLC, was an instant success. Last year, the ministry made its initial public offering, netting its proud founder over $200,000,000 -- God's way of showing His approval for Mrs. Bowers' selfless work to help the less fortunate. When asked byThe Wall Street Journalto confirm this amount, Mrs. Bowers demurred: "I never discuss figures -- except to say that I am still a perfect size four."
Introduction
From the Louis Quinze Desk of
Betty Bowers
America's Best Christian
Being asked by the secular publishing world to reveal my secrets of how I became America's best, most glamorous Christian is not something I regard with unqualified enthusiasm. Yes, there is the satisfaction of reminding people that, come Judgment Day, I will be whisked through the "Ten Sins or Less" express line while they are subjected to the ineptitude of surly seraphim and processing delays unfamiliar to those who have not tried to secure concert seats through Ticketmaster's 1-800 number. While, as a True Christian™, I believe that helping others is almost as important as a crisp hemline, I am left to ask the question that proves decisive for all who embark on a journey of profound spiritual meaning: What's in it for me? Do I really wish to open the door to Heaven for people I would not even choose to have in my lovely Christian home? After all, it is hard enough to avoid the truly dreadful here on Earth when they have only a finite amount of time to find you. And in Heaven you will be up against people cagey enough to have worked out which sins really matter and which can be ignored with impunity.
Every day, thousands of lost souls make a pilgrimage to my glorious website "Betty Bowers Is a Better Christian Than You!" (www.bettybowers. com). Its inspirational pages bring even the most worthless people from every corner of the Lord's Earth the good news that they are going straight to Hell. I have therefore undertaken to write this book, hoping to reverse the direction of their afterlife voyage and to indulge my acolytes' wistful quest to be just like me. After all, when it comes right down to it, ascension into Heaven is the only upward mobility that ultimately matters.
While it is ludicrous to assume that other, lesser people could ever replicate with any verisimilitude my finely calibrated knack for spotting a heretofore unnamed sin, to say nothing of the panache with which I carry off an edgy hat, this book will at least provide a voyeuristic peek into my world of social and spiritual preeminence. Whereas Stanislavsky offered a method for acting more like real people, I offer a method for acting better than real people. And my "method" is rather simple. If my acolytes merely ask themselves the simple question "What would Betty do?" when faced with any moral quandary -- or simply two fabric swatches that both appear suitable -- then they will find that not only will people instantly become more envious of them in this life, they may actually qualify to join me (though certainly not with any regularity) in the next.
The glorious day will soon arrive when people all across this once tasteful nation will not be able to buy a pack of mints, settle an argument, or choose a gasoline, much less a Personal Savior, without asking themselves, "What would Betty do?"
So close to Jesus, He validates my parking,
What Would Betty Have?the appearance of absolute marital submission -- and then her own way!bringing integrity to christian homemakers
the appearance of absolute marital submission -- and then her own way!
bringing integrity to christian homemakers
BITCH
Bringing Integrity To Christian Homemakers is a Baptist ladies' service organization that strives to keep Bible-based conversation to a maximum and recreational sex and frozen foods to a minimum in Christian, professionally decorated homes throughout God's country, America.
He has risen! -- A born-again baking tip: While the Almighty can effortlessly expand a universe like a first-rate soufflé, He just can't seem to get the hang of basic baking. For example, the Lord told Ezekiel His secret for making a perfect barley cake -- bake it with human dung (Ezekiel 4:12). I can't imagine what kitchen mishap caused our Lord to stumble upon this questionable technique, but it is safe to assume that there are no health inspectors in Heaven. Frankly, even though I am not quite sure what mesquite is, I am comforted by being fairly confident that I know from where it is not extruded.
from the diary of america's best christian:protecting yourself from celestial voyeurs
5:45 A.M., Bowers manse, Atlanta
As I emerged from a lovely Terme di Montecatini bath, I quickly covered myself with a bathrobe. A Christian lady should never become so preoccupied with her toilette that she forgets that sexual perverts might be in Heaven leering. Some lesser Christians forget that God's Glory is full of disreputable and vulgar apparitions. I am constantly reminding my acolytes that to get past the Lord's lax discretionary door, all anyone has to do is simply to remember to accept Jesus as their Personal Savior moments before dying. As a result of this ill-conceived admittance policy, Heaven is absolutely overrun by dreadful people whose only virtue is a good sense of timing.
While I was thanking the Lord in front of my vanity mirror for His loving attention to detail, my assistant Miss Anne Thrope called to remind me of a breakfast engagement. Friend-of-Our-Lord Jerry Falwell was apparently scheduled to present me with an award from Bringing Integrity To Christian Homemakers at the Piedmont Driving Club. While I never expressly covet acclaim in an obvious manner, I never shirk duty -- or the receipt of a well-deserved honor. So, without complaint, I would accept the lovely "Biggest B.I.T.C.H. in North America" Steuben crystal plaque. This citation is awarded annually to the president of the Bringing Integrity To Christian Homemakers chapter that has added the most paid members in the past year. I have won the title "Biggest B.I.T.C.H. in North America" on countless occasions. Indeed, I think I have, through the grace of God and somewhat arcane voting procedures, all but monopolized that honor. This year would, of course, be no exception. The Lord is, truly, so good to us!
B.I.T.C.H. submission muzzles have arrived just in time for this sunday's services!
"Let the woman learn in silence with all subjection. But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence."
I Timothy 2:11-12
In other words, God has made it quite clear that He will not countenance yammering by Christian women. And as Fundamentalist Christians, we obviously must obey the clear directives of our Lord, no matter how seemingly sexist. But let's be honest, gals. How many of us are godly enough to keep quiet in church -- especially when Dora Denkins traipses down the aisle, late for service, reeking of stale tequila and last night's man? Nevertheless, we must do as the Lord commands and simply shut up! Because, like Eve before us, too many women are using their "free will" to disobey our Blessed Lord's annoyingly killjoy demands.
To help these sinning chatterboxes who obviously won't help themselves, Bringing Integrity To Christian Homemakers is introducing new designer B.I.T.C.H. submission muzzles. Starting next week, each wife will be given a submission muzzle with her hymnal when she enters Landover Baptist Church.
Mrs. Judy O'Christian of the Ladies of Landover, responding to the news, said, "We are all real excited about this. Besides, a Christian lady can never have enough accessories!" Unsaved Malaysian children will be working around the clock to ensure that there are enough muzzles by Sunday.
Obeying the Lord has never been more fashionable!
epistle of profound and compassionate christian advice:getting restraining orders against intrusive guardian angels
Dear Betty:
After spending a hellish day at the office, crawling through a rush-hour traffic jam, and coming home to find my condo in complete disarray, I strode into my bedroom to discover my husband engaged in an unseemly act of impurity with my guardian angel! Fortunately, as a True Christian™, of course, I had a gun. I dashed to my dresser, pulled out my semiautomatic, and ordered that winged Jezebel out of my home! She dressed quickly and fluttered out the French window in a tizzy. But she wasn't nearly as upset as I was when I found the product of their seraphic love coil all over my limited edition Missoni bed sheets! I know that killing is sometimes wrong, and perhaps a futile gesture in this instance, but I want that celestial bitch to pay! What should I do?
Betrayed in Dallas
Dear Sinner Who Neglects Her Christian Home for Secular Work:
You have to understand that most guardian angels have endured fairly dull lives, dear. Living for someone else is never easy and seldom fulfilling. Just ask James Brolin. Guardian angels spend so much time in our Christian homes that they start acting as if they were invited guests. This is why I always warn my readers to look for signs that their guardian angel is getting a little too comfortable. Do you find your better perfume bottles suddenly half full or topped off with dewdrops? Is your angel unaccounted for at precisely the time you hear your Bentley pull out of the driveway on the way to an all-night "Put the Christ back in Xmas -- Put the X back in Christ" rave? Do you find feathers in your underwear drawer? Is your vanity mirror always tilted toward the ceiling? Does your new silk dress bear imprints near the shoulders that suggest a gathering of poultry slipped it on and engaged in a vitriolic fight? If any of the aforementioned events occur unchecked, you are inviting a dangerous level of familiarity that will most certainly lead to contempt. Indeed, it is probably time to consult an attorney about a restraining order.
To my mind, having seraphim trail you 24-7 amounts to little more than supernatural stalking! My erstwhile guardian angel (a short woman who lived in Ecuador in the eighteenth century) spoke with such atrocious English that it became very frustrating even to pretend I was listening to such a poor, ignorant apparition. And she was constantly wearing a filthy bowler hat and a poncho with simply the most shocking juxtaposition of shrill colors -- shades that didn't belong in the same time zone together! After several months of studiously ignoring her -- and even taking the time to learn some Mexican so I could say"no más!"-- thinking she would take a hint, I had had quite enough.
I had her dismissed and never regretted that day. I am pleased to say that Jesus took my list of grievances about the woman so seriously that He immediately sent her hurtling straight toward Hell, where, no doubt, her indiscriminate style of dressing will go unnoticed. Since that dreadful experience, I have encouraged all who are having problems with meddlesome or annoying guardian angels similarly to dismiss these celestial interlopers. You will thank me.
So close to Jesus, He uses my birthday when He buys Lotto tickets,
P.S. When having guardian angels dismissed, it is wise to ensure that God demotes them to "demon" status, as it would be awkward to run into them in Heaven. No one wants to spend eternity with a disgruntled ex-employee.
New York End Times
The only newspaper in America that is "Untouched by Unsaved Hands"
Mrs. Betty Bowers Flies a Planeload of B.I.T.C.H.s to Italy
RAVELLO, ITALY. (AP) Last night, the
annual Bringing Integrity To Christian Homemakers dinner was held at Betty Bowers' lovely eighteenth-century villa in Ravello, Italy. By all accounts, it was a huge success. All B.I.T.C.H. members and spouses who had tithed in excess of $144,000 (a dollar for each virgin man to ascend into Heaven per Revelation 14:3, verified as deposited in ready funds by Deutsche Bank Switzerland) during the past "spiritual" year were invited. These special contributors were driven by a fleet of white Rolls Silver Clouds chauffeured by "angels" to Landover Baptist Church's private tarmac to be flown to Italy in the Betty Bowers Christian Ministries' new custom "The Wings of Gabriel" Boeing 747-400. During the flight, catered by chef Jean-Georges Vongerichten, Barbra Streisand regaled the flock with impromptu banter read from cue cards between Baptist hymns. "She may be unsaved," noted Mrs. Bowers, "but she sounds like an angel and will sing anything if the price is right."
Once in Italy, the honored guests were whisked past the tawdry poverty of Naples onto the scenic coastal road that runs through Positano and down the Amalfi Coast, providing breathtaking vistas to the fªted crowd. The highlight of the weekend was a sumptuous dinner at Mrs. Bowers' 7,600-square-foot home, Villa Cristo de Amalfi. "Roughly half the eligible Platinum tithers refused to attend," lamented Mrs. Bowers, stunning in a whimsical Comme des Garçons' Rei Kawakuba. "Since we are living in End Times, many True Christians are afraid of being caught overseas when the Lord comes in judgment. Frankly, nobody wanted to risk having to answer to a list of sins reeled off in a foreign language. I tried to explain that the Lord would justknowthey weren't Italian, but to no avail. In fairness to them, it is somewhat risky to be surrounded by Catholics when God is pointing fingers at who will go to Hell."
epistle of profound and compassionate christian advice:
salvation through skin care
Dear Precious Sister-in-Christ Mrs. Bowers:
I am tired, Sister Betty. Sick and tired of defending the one, true Baptist faith to heathen women throughout Floyd County, Georgia. For years now, I have gone door to door, walking up on front porches and asking women to accept Jesus Christ as their Personal Savior. If they fall to their knees to accept their savior, I reward them with a free sample of Mary Kay lipstick or eye shadow (in a modest hue that is consistent with their new status as Baptists).
But there are so many of them, Betty. So many hell-bound Presbyterians and Seventh-Day Adventists and Methodists! When I come upon these harlots I ask them (right after I pretend to admire their country-casual decor): "And who did the Lord send to herald the birth of his son? Did he send...John the Catholic? Did he send...John the Mormon? Did he send...John the Whiskeypalian? No! No! No! The good Lord in His infinite wisdom sent a representative from His very own, hand-picked, preferred denomination, the Blessed Lord sent John the Baptist!" They never have a good response to that one.
Thank you, Sister Betty, for all your tireless efforts on behalf of tasteful, Baptist ladies. Please remember me in your prayers, and whenever you're running low on makeup. I have to pay a visit to a Catholic woman right now and talk about Christ and blueberry-sherbet eyeliner.
Yours dripping in the blood of the lamb (you should see my dry-cleaning bills!),
Mrs. Cooter Green
Dear Mrs. Green:
Thank you for your lovely letter and inspiring testimony, dear. My, what a difficult life you have chosen! Even a cursory look from a speeding car would reveal that the one thing Catholic women ignore more than their salvation is quality cosmetics. How wise of you to choose a product line that is crude enough to be almost accessible to lost harlots who have proven themselves to be rather ham-fisted with a tube of too-red lipstick. Do warn these women that once they have embraced the faith actually recognized by God (Baptist), they will have to forgo some of the more garish shades of eye shadow historically favored by Catholics and strippers. A saved woman's makeup should cover old sins, not entice new ones.
May I be so bold as to suggest that you reprioritize, dear? Instead of wasting your Christian charity getting these lost souls to become true Baptist Christians, and thereby eligible for Heaven, why not concentrate on their unfailingly wretched appearance first? After all, do we really want them to ascend to God's Glory still looking like Genoese wharf hookers? Surely, it would be in everyone's best interest to make sure Heaven is populated with Baptists who, through a rigorous regime of exfoliation, Retinol, and quality moisturizers, have saved their skin as well as their soul. Mary Kay is a lovely way for them to start without spending more money than they are, frankly, worth at this point. Once it looks as if they have accepted the true faith, it may be time to take them on a pilgrimage to a department store to pay homage at the pale green shrine to Estee Lauder.
So close to Jesus, we finish each other's sentences,
Copyright © 2002 by Paul A. Bradley
Excerpted from What Would Betty Do?: How to Succeed at the Expense of Others, in This World - And the Next by Paul A. Bradley All rights reserved by the original copyright owners. Excerpts are provided for display purposes only and may not be reproduced, reprinted or distributed without the written permission of the publisher.
