When Children Grieve

by James, John W.; Friedman, Russell; Matthews, Leslie Landon

• ISBN13: 9780060196134
• ISBN10: 0060196130
• Edition: 1st
• Format: Hardcover
• Copyright: 2001-05-17
• Publisher: HarperCollins Publications

Summary

The authors of the quiet bestseller "The Grief Recovery Handbook" create a cutting-edge volume to free children from the misinformed goal of "not feeling bad" and empower them with positive, effective methods of dealing with loss.

Author Biography

John W. James was born in Danville, Illinois. He was thrust unwillingly into the arena of grief and recovery when his three-day-old son died in 1977. John lives in Los Angeles with his Emmy Award-winning wife, Jess Walton -- the evil "Jill Abbott" on The Young and the Restless -- and spends most of his free time with daughter Allison and son Cole Russell P. Friedman was born in Port Chester, New York. He arrived at the Grief Recovery Institute in 1986, following a second divorce and a major financial disaster. He started as a volunteer, and stayed and stayed and stayed. Russell lives in Sherman Oaks with Alice Borden and their dog, Max Dr. Leslie Landon Matthews was born in Los Angeles. She attended a Grief Recovery Personal Workshop after the much-publicized death of her father, Michael Landon. She earned her doctorate in the field of psychology with a focus on children and grief. She lives in Southern California with her husband, Brian, and their three glorious children

Table of Contents

Introduction Put Your Oxygen Mask on First	xii
Who Are We? And Why Have We Written This Book?	xv
PART ONE MONKEY SEE, MONKEY DO	1	(58)
Why Are You Reading This Book?	3	(2)
What's the Problem and Whose Problem Is It?	5	(9)
What's the Problem?	6	(1)
What Is Grief, Anyway?	7	(1)
Obvious and Hidden Losses	8	(1)
Never Compare Losses	8	(1)
Time Doesn't Heal---Actions Do	9	(1)
Normal and Natural	10	(1)
Crisis Behavior	11	(1)
Between the Problem and the Solution: Six Major Myths	12	(2)
Looking At Myth 1: Don't Feel Bad!	14	(10)
Sweet but Dangerous	15	(1)
Without Sadness, Joy Cannot Exist	16	(1)
We Are Not Exaggerating	16	(5)
Who's Responsible for Feelings?	21	(3)
Looking at Myth 2: Replace the Loss, Part One	24	(9)
All Relationships are Unique	26	(1)
The Stolen Bicycle	27	(1)
Toys and Dolls---Gone but Not Forgotten	28	(1)
It's Time to Meet Leslie and Learn More about Cherished Possessions	29	(2)
Replace the Loss, Part Two	31	(2)
Looking at Myth 3: Grieve Alone	33	(9)
Multigenerational Pass-Through	34	(2)
Grieve Alone---A Closer Look	36	(2)
Why Do People Grieve Alone?	38	(1)
Is Alone Ever Okay?	39	(1)
Here's Some Good News: Different Beliefs Produce Better Results For Children	39	(1)
Pause to Reflect and Recap	40	(2)
Looking at Myth 4: Be Strong	42	(4)
Wait, There's More	43	(1)
Strong or Human, Pick One!	44	(2)
Looking at Myth 5: Keep Busy	46	(8)
A Dangerous Illusion	47	(1)
The Real Impact of Loss: Keeping Busy and Dwelling on Pain	48	(2)
Dwelling on Pain Is Sometimes the Result of Not Being Heard	50	(1)
Heard at Last	51	(3)
Looking at Myth 6: Time Heals All Wounds	54	(5)
Corporate Grief and Grief in the Classroom	55	(1)
No Time Zones	56	(3)
PART TWO MOVING FROM GRIEF TO RECOVERY	59	(86)
Looking for ``The Book''	61	(6)
John's Quest Continues	64	(3)
What Is Incomplete Grief?	67	(6)
Is Incomplete Grief Only about Bad Things?	69	(4)
Helping the Helpers	73	(7)
It's Easier to Fill an Empty Cup	73	(1)
Scuba Diving Lessons	74	(1)
The Critical Transition	75	(2)
Boundless Capacity	77	(1)
Delicate Strokes	78	(1)
If Your Kids Are Older, Do Not Despair	79	(1)
Do We Know Enough Yet?	79	(1)
Short-Term Energy-Relieving Behaviors (S.T.E.R.B.s)	80	(11)
Do You Know Where Your Child's Energy Is?	82	(2)
Short-Term Relief Doesn't Work	84	(3)
Recapping Part Two	87	(2)
PART THREE THE PATH TO COMPLETION
What is Completion?	89	(2)
The Relationship Review	91	(5)
Relationship Reviews Happen Automatically	91	(1)
Who Goes First?	92	(1)
Pick the Fruit When It's Ripe	93	(3)
Real-Life Examples	96	(7)
Out of the Mouths of Babes---Good-bye, Mr. Hamster	96	(2)
All Grief Is Experienced at 100 percent	98	(1)
The Death of a Pet	98	(4)
Random Memories	102	(1)
Helping Your Child Review the Relationship	103	(4)
Sleeping in the Bed, or Not	105	(1)
Minding the Steam Kettle	106	(1)
The Emotional Energy Checklist	107	(6)
Children and Their Pets: Reviewing Events and Emotions	107	(3)
Emotional Energy Checklist: Death of a Pet	110	(3)
What to Do with the Review	113	(3)
Converting Emotional Energy Into Recovery Components	113	(3)
Recovery Components	116	(5)
Apologies First	116	(1)
Apologies to Living People	116	(3)
Apologies to People Who Have Died	119	(1)
Should Parents Ever Apologize?	119	(1)
Time Doesn't Create Completion: Actions Do	120	(1)
Recovery Components: Forgiveness	121	(5)
Forgiveness Is an Action, Not a Feeling	123	(3)
Recovery Components: Significant Emotional Statements	126	(6)
Are the Same Things Significant for Everyone?	127	(1)
Some Significant Comments Require Forgiveness	128	(1)
Fond Memories	128	(1)
Recapping This Section	129	(3)
Death of a Person	132	(13)
Reviewing Relationships with People Who Have Died	133	(1)
The Death of a Grandparent	134	(1)
Uniqueness Is the Real Issue	135	(2)
``Less Than Loved Ones''	137	(1)
Complex Relationships	137	(2)
Emotional Energy Checklist: Grandparent, Relative, or Close Acquaintance	139	(4)
Recapping Part Three---Is It Soup Yet?	143	(1)
Before We Move On, We Honor the Readers	144	(1)
PART FOUR MOVING FROM DISCOVERY TO COMPLETION	145	(44)
Continuing Litany vs. Freedom
Carrying the Litany Is a Heavy Load	147	(2)
Exaggerated Memory Pictures	149	(1)
Freedom Feels Better	150	(1)
Zeroing In on Completion	151	(9)
``Thumper''	151	(9)
Delivering, Completing, and Saying Good-bye	160	(9)
Leading Up to Jessica's Letter	161	(2)
Jessica's Completion Letter to Thumper	163	(13)
Entirely Different but Exactly the Same	176
Very Close to NaNa	169	(14)
Emotional Energy List-Grandparent, Relative, or Close Acquaintance	176	(3)
Chronicling Events that Occur After a Death	179	(2)
Amanda's Completion Letter to NaNa	181	(2)
One More Letter	183	(6)
Jeffrey's Letter	184	(1)
New Discoveries	185	(1)
What About Jeffrey's Sisters?	186	(1)
Concluding Part Four	187	(2)
PART FIVE OTHER LOSSES	189	(30)
Focusing on Moving and Divorce	189	(2)
The First Big Move	191	(3)
Transitional Events	193	(1)
What Not to Do	194	(5)
Moving	197	(2)
On Divorce	199	(3)
Leslie Gets the First Word---The Divorce of My Parents	199	(3)
Bad New---Bad News	202	(17)
Long Term or Sudden Impact	202	(1)
Whose Divorce Is It?	203	(1)
Multiple Losses	204	(2)
Sometimes We Get Lucky	206	(1)
Don't Fix Feelings	207	(1)
Don't Be Fooled---Relief Is Only the Last Feeling	208	(1)
Noble Sentiments, but Hearts Are Still Broken	209
One Central Issue	201	(10)
Unique Is Still the Bottom Line	211	(1)
Where Is the Focus?	212	(1)
Taking Sides	213	(1)
Children Sometimes Blame Themselves	214	(1)
What Can You Do to Help?	214	(1)
Leslie Gets the Last Word, Too	215	(4)
PART SIX CLOSING UP SHOP	219	(35)
The ``D'' Word	221	(9)
Illusion of Protection	222	(1)
Solid and Clear Reference Point	222	(1)
Sometimes the World Travels Backward	223	(1)
Talking About Death with Your Child	224	(2)
Curiosity Helps Children Learn	226	(4)
Euphemisms + Metaphors = Confusion	230	(4)
Four Weddings and a Funeral?	234	(6)
Forty-five Years Later, but Who's Counting	237	(3)
Win-Win	240	(14)
Chloe and Carrie Sue and the Real Meaning of Time	240	(2)
Three Generations	242	(2)
Spencer's Accidental Owners	244	(3)
Tuning In to Elizabeth	247	(2)
The Grief Recovery Groupie	249	(3)
Our Completion with You	252	(2)
Questionnaire	254	(7)
Acknowledgments	261